Mirror: The fact that you go by Dorkpool shows absolutely no bias in any way.
Dorkpool: You go by that name too?
Mirror: Kinda sorta.
Dorkpool: Yeah, anyway, I’m a fan of Deadpool, and I’m not the only one. Like the author of the story we’re going to Riff today, “Deadpool Slaughterific.”
Mirror: Is it any good?
Dorkpool: Well, let’s kill the Marvel universe, and find out.
My name is David, David Blaire, I`ve always been a fan of the famous Merc with a Mouth Deadpool.
Dorkpool: I feel like I have so much in common with David.
I had all the comics starting from the first issue. I even dressed up as Deadpool for Halloween. But that was until the comic, Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe came out.
Mirror: So when the comic came out, you went back in time to prevent yourself from dressing as Deadpool?
I went to a friend Jack Carlson to order the comic from his local shop, he had all four issues ready.
Dorkpool: Because screw trade paperbacks or collected editions!
He delivered it via mail. I heard a knock at the door and I got up to answer it. I found a small package, no biggie, right?
Mirror: You said it was small, so yeah.
No, I read his letter on top of the package. It read:
I got the comic you ordered, but I have to warn you. Things aren`t what they always seem. What ever you do, DO NOT read the last page of the final issue.
Mirror: Great. We’ve gone into “Sonic.exe: The Comic.”
I just thought that Jack was messing with me, so I read the entire comic series,
Dorkpool: Usually I’d complain about this kind of thing, but it’s comics, and Deadpool ones to boot. I’d probably do the same.
Dorkpool: Because comics are love, comics are life. I spread my an-
Mirror: Okay, moving on!
up to the part where Deadpool fought Taskmaster in the swamp. I saw Man thing grab Taskmaster and fry him.
Dorkpool: Wait, are we in “Man-Thing Kills the Marvel Universe”?
After getting into the Nexus of all realities, I saw Deadpool walk up in the office and discover that he was a fictional character.
Mirror: Because it’s not like he’s already aware of that or anything.
As I read the last page, I thought about the warning Jack wrote on the note. I felt something off about it. The last page had the trade mark lines with Deadpool holding the katana.
"Hey... I see you out there... watching.
Dorkpool: Always watching, with eyes, most likely behind glasses.
Don`t worry. I`ll be done with these jokers... and this universe before you know it. I`ll find soon enough."
Mirror: Find what?
The picture showed Deadpool`s katana with blood and everyone massacred on the page. The date seemed to be familiar so I looked it up on my computer.
Mirror: What date? What are you talking about? WHAT’S GOING ON?
Dorkpool: A ruination of Deadpool not seen since “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.”
Come to find that the dates of this comic and the massacre of the comic writers matched. I was shocked. I thought the comic only showed Deadpool doing the pose with his katana, they weren`t killed. I also thought why Marvel comics would even base a comic on the massacre of their own employees.
Mirror: I wonder why there was a massacre of Marvel employess.
Dorkpool: “One More Day”?
Just then, I heard footsteps in the hallway, I opened the door to see none other than the Merc with a mouth, Deadpool. I was shocked, but I looked closer, and his appearance matched the Deadpool from the comic.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I immediately knew that whoever this was, he was wearing an incredible cosplay.
I was scared, a fictional character from a comic, alive... IN MY HOUSE! He was covered in blood,
Mirror: Guess it’s Shiklah’s time of the month.
I was scarred, that he was here to slaughter me. He even spoke.
"Here David, David, David, come to ole Deadpool."
I tripped and fell,
Dorkpool: Good job!
he turned around and saw me. I screamed and ran up stairs while he shot at me with his hand guns.
Mirror: He’s dead.
I locked the door and held a knife I had close. I knew he had a healing factor, but at least I had a chance to defend myself.
Mirror: Yes, that’s it, use a knife against the unstoppable psychopath with a healing factor.
Dorkpool: Actually, this Deadpool, called Dreadpool, does end up dying in “Deadpool Kills Deadpool.”
Dorkpool: The more you know.
He cut through the door like it was a stick of butter with his sword and slowly walked towards me.
"I bet you`re wondering why I`m doing this aren`t you David?
Dorkpool: (Deadpool): The answer is bad writing.
Well let me tell you, we`re nothing but tools for destruction. All the sacrifice, the battles, heroes, villains, all of it is nothing more than a mere vision.
Mirror: The cruel vision of Joe Quesada.
But Deadpoolio is here to save us from the torture."
I told him, "No... no... please pleas..... "
He didn`t give me a chance, he sliced my head off with his sword and laughed. And if I`m dead, how am I still telling my story. Well the moral of the story is....
Dorkpool: (Narrator): …your questions will not be answered.
I`m coming to get you buddies. Deadpool here will see to it.
Dorkpool: Until the Convergence kills most everyone in the 616 universe, and causes a reboot of the Marvel universe.
Dorkpool: Wow…just…wow. This story sucks. I’ll admit, the premise is kind of interesting, and I think that would probably be the best way to do a story like this: have Deadpool literally break the fourth wall and kill people in the real universe. But wow, does this writer screw it up.
Mirror: Bad spelling and grammar, plot points stolen from other crappy stories, and things that are never explained (like how this guy is telling this story) really hurt this story.
Dorkpool: This story isn’t terrible. It’s not as bad a depiction of the character as the version from X-Men Origins (unlike that movie, this story tries to keep Deadpool’s trademark with and weaponry. It fails on the wit end, mind you, but at least it tried), but it still sucks. Hell, the story I wrote with Deadpool, “Deadpool Vs. Slender Man”, is better than this. Not that I’m biased or anything… Anyway, what do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be killed by Dreadpool (who is actually dead)? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
As the two Dorkpools finished the Riff, they found something. Taped to the wall was a chimichanga.
They looked at each other, and both said, “You don’t think…?”
They got their answer when Dorkpool was shot in the chest. He fell to the floor, and said, “Shot through the heart – ow – and you’re to blame. You give love, a bad name.”
His alternate universe counterpart looked at where the shot came from, and saw the Merc with a Mouth, the Regenerating Degenerate, the Crimson Comedian…Deadpool.
“Did I shoot the right one?” Deadpool asked. He looked at the person bleeding on the floor, and the person standing up. “No, wait, I was supposed to shoot the guy with the cleavage exposing vest!”
Dorkpool looked up and saw Deadpool, and promptly fanboyed into unconsciousness. Mirror Dorkpool was more reserved, and asked, “Why do you want to kill me?”
“I don’t. Well, I kinda do. Your mask is cool, but the goatee look really ruins it. Seriously, did you draw that on there?”
“Does it matter?”
Deadpool shrugged. “Anyway, some bonehead made me do it.” He said, shooting Mirror Dorkpool.
Mirror fell to the floor, and said, “You know – agh! – we have healing factors, right?”
“Oh. Awkward.” Deadpool said. Then he shrugged. “Eh, even with a healing factor, I’m sure you guys can be killed. Then I can die again!” Deadpool then shot him in the head, temporarily shutting him up.
Dorkpool woke up, internally squeed, and asked, “Why do you want to die?”
“Because death is awesome! Well, Death with a capital ‘D’ if you know what I mean?”
“Aren’t you married?”
Deadpool shrugged. “It’s probably going to be undone by the reboot anyway.”
Dorkpool thought for a second. “So you want to die, and can only do so after killing my buddy over here because…?”
“The bonehead who hired me said he’d kill me if I did.”
“You can will your healing factor away you know, right?”
“Yeah, Dreadpool did it, and he was able to die.”
“Huh.” Deadpool thought for a second. “How do I do that?”
“I don’t know. Use the Force? Believe in the power of plot convenience?”
“The power of plot convenience…Genius!” Deadpool exclaimed.
“Before you do that, there’s something I need you to tell Death…” Dorkpool said, and told Deadpool. The mouthy merc said he’d tell her.
After a little while, several faces that seemed reminiscent of constipation, and multiple gunshots, Deadpool had departed to the after life. It was around this time Mirror Dorkpool woke up.
“Ugh…ow! What did I miss?” he asked.
“Well, I just told Deadpool how to kill himself.” Dorkpool answered.
“But you love Deadpool. How could you do that?”
“He’ll be back. Marvel won’t let him stay dead.”
“Good point. Did you find out who hired him?”
“Zorax?” Mirror asked.
“Well, duh. He probably found out that we were assembling an army from your universe, and is trying to kill you now.”
“So what should we do?”
“Find the traitor, and interrogate him or her.”
“Sounds like a plan.”