Dorkpool wasn’t the only one who made the Cheese Doodle. While he came up with certain ideas for it (name, Star Trek ship design, etc.), the actual design and technology were created by an old friend of his.
Despite that, Dorkpool considered the Cheese Doodle his. Not only his ship, but his home. The one place in the universe – in any universe – where he felt at his best, where he could be at peace.
And now that place was plummeting to earth like a meteor, with him, his alternate universe double, and his sort of employee in it.
Don’t panic, he told himself. Just keep up the funnyman façade.
Those two were his crewmates, and his friends. And he was the captain of this ship. He couldn’t show just how scared – and hurt – he was.
They were 1,000 feet above the earth’s surface.
“Alright everyone, brace yourse – ” Dorkpool started.
He didn’t even get a chance to finish his exclamation before the ship crashed into the ocean.
No one spoke. They just all just looked around, looking surprised that they survived.
“I’ll be damned. It worked.” Sylvia muttered.
“Well, yeah. Has any plan I’ve had ever failed?” Dorkpool asked. That’s it. Keep up the cocky act. He told himself.
Mirror raised his hand, drew a breath, paused, then said, “No comment.”
“So…now what?” Sylvia asked.
Dorkpool thought about it. They survived, so now what? Without any type of propulsion, they were stuck. And considering they were just blasted out of the sky, staying in one place doesn’t seem like the best idea. Besides, he wasn’t even sure how long the saucer would stay afloat, or what the extent of the damage outside was. Maybe there are holes that are letting water in. After all, there was a giant hole directly on top of the bridge, which allowed them to see outside of the ship.
Basically, they needed help. But from who?
Wait. He knew exactly who to call.
“I know a guy,” Dorkpool said, smiling.
Dorkpool: Well, while we’re waiting for help, we might as well do a Riff.
Sylvia: Guess it couldn’t hurt.
Mirror: Well, what are we Riffing?
Dorkpool: Before I go into it, let me tell you guys a bit of a story. A little while ago, the Creepypasta Wiki hosted a contest to rewrite “Jeff the Killer.”
Sylvia: Any reason why?
Dorkpool: Well, many – including me – think that story had some decent ideas in it, and also the story itself is tied to Creepypasta, so might as well make a decent version of it.
Mirror: So were any of the rewrites good?
Dorkpool: Well, I read a couple – the first place winner, and the fourth place winner – both of which were pretty good (personally, I prefer the fourth place one, oddly enough).
Mirror: Well, that’s good.
Sylvia: Are we Riffing any of those?
Dorkpool: Hm? Those? Nah. We’re Riffing some story from the Spinpasta Wiki called “The Real Jeff the Killer.”
Dorkpool: Yeah. Anyway, let’s have some Southern accents, and Riff this bitch!
Many of you guys probably remember the Jeff the Killer story, it is very famous on the internets.
Dorkpool: Yep, it sure it popular on those internets, yo.
Many you remember the plot, but what you probably don’t know is that IT ISN’T TRUE!
Sylvia: How shocking!
Dorkpool: Holy shit! I had no idea.
For I have the real tale, that I haven’t told anyone, except a few freidns when we were all about ten. I guess one of them put the FAKE story up, stealing my story to make their own and get famous. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER NOW! I will tell you the true story, as it is scarier,
Sylvia: (Narrator): …more illiterate…
and not a lie...
It all started when I was a kid, when I was told a old tale, by my dad. He sat in his chair and smoked his cigarette, then said to me; “Johnny, I have to telly ou something.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Umm…my name’s not Johnny.
It is very important, so I want you to listen. It;s a story, but also a warning. Listen up.”
Mirror: (Dad): You see, this is a story, all about how, my life got flipped, turned upside down.
And then he told me a tale about a man who was born in the early 1800s in Texas, who was born to a family who hated him, and no friends. When he was 15 his father poured gasoline on him and burnt him.
Sylvia: Texan parents were weird.
He ran into the lake behind their house, and destinguished himself, before swimming to the other side of the lake, and escaping into the forest. He lived there for many years, and planned his revenge on the family that was so cruel to him.
After 12 years, long after his family had forgotten about him,
Dorkpool: Because, you know, as a mother you forget about which living beings came out of your vagina.
he moved out of the forest and swim to the other side of the lake. He pulled himself out, revealing his mangeled burnt skin body and bloodshot eyes from no sleep. He was holding a knife in one hand, and his other hand was missing.
Mirror: His father cut that off some time ago to prevent Jeff from masturbating.
He creeped into the house and went to his parent’s room. He sliced them to peices as they slept, and hedrank some blood and then went on to the other rooms.
Sylvia: So is Jeff a vampire, or…?
Mirror: No, of course not. Jeff doesn’t sparkle.
He killed his brother, but his sister’s room was empty, so he went to look through the rest of the house, but to no a veil. He looked outside, and saw a teddy in the middle of the road.
Dorkpool: Teddy: Before the Operation.
It was his sister’s teddy, she had escaped. She had seen him get out of the lake through her bedroom window, and ran to a neighbours house to get help.
He snarled, and was about to go to cross the street when a horse sprinted up to him, with a policeman on his back. Then another, and another, until he was surrounded.
Mirror: (Officer): You can’t escape. Right, Officer Horsey?
Dorkpool: (Horse): Neigh.
They shot him and e dodged all the bullets, except one that ripped trough his face, ony just missing his teeth, creating a jagged perminent smile across his face. The policeman were all so shocked at this that it gave the man time to escape back into the forest.
Sylvia: A Texan is shocked that bullet hit someone? Are we sure this is a true story?
His sister was moved out of town the next day. He looked for her, and couldn’t find her, so he cursed the family to have the same craziness as him, every few generations.
Then my dad chuckled, and told me to go to bed, as it was late. So I did, but I heard his laugh turn sinister as I went up the stairs. I lay in bed for a while, before hearing a crash. I ran out of my room, and realizd the noise came from the bathrom. I went cautiosly up to the door, and pushed it open...
Dorkpool: (Johnny): …and saw my parents making a new sibling for me.
The bathroom was cold, and the curtains were billowing. I saw that the window had been smashed, and that someone had jumped out, and ran down through the bushes of the front garden. There was a pool of blood on the ground and sink, surrounded by glass and a note. I picked up the note and read it. It said;
Mirror: (Note): IOU a window.
“Dear son, I’m afraid I have to go now, as I am scared I will hurt you. I’m lost in my insanity, please do not follow me. I’m sorry. Johnny, I’m afraid to say that the murderous man’s sister was your great grandmother. Insanity runs in YOUR family. Watch out. Goodbye forever.” I held the note in my hand. And cried a lot.
I ran back to my bedroom and hid under my covers, I cried and cried till there were no more tears. Then I thought about how I could end up like that murderous man...
Dorkpool: Well, reading “Sonic.exe” will give you a bloodlust.
A few months later, my mother told me that our cousins were coming to our house for a family get together, as I was so depressed since dad left. She decided I needed cheering up. When the family arrived, I slomped downstairs to greet them.
Mirror: Slomped? What the hell is slomping?
There was many people there, including grandmothers, grandfarthers, cousins, uncles, auntes. It was okay, and sort of fun at points, but soon the day ended, and people started to leave. My mom said that two of my cousins were staying overnight, and that it would be like a sleepover. I decided that would be cool. My two cousins Liu and jeff. Cool!
Sylvia: So these are Texans, and some cousins are staying in the same room.
Sylvia: I’m slightly worried this will become a bit incestuous.
The sleepover was going fine until about midnight, when Liu and Jeff started fighting,
Dorkpool: -hums Mortal Kombat theme-
I was smaller than them both, so I hid under the bed and waited for the noise to stop. I heard someone stomp out, and then a scream and a crazy laugh. From under the bed I saw Liu collapse on the floor, blood pouring from a gash on his neck. I pushed myself further under the bed, and hid behind some washing that was there.
Mirror: Washing? Washing what?
I was small enought to disappear compeltyly behind them. I heard Jeff laugh once more, before he ran away. After a few minutes, I climbed out from under the bed, and followed the trail of blod Jeff had left. It lead to the bathroom. I went there, and saw Jeff sitting on the sink basin, staring into the mirror. I stay quiet so he don’t see me, and I watch him. He laughed evilly and say:
Sylvia: (Jeff): Best. Joker. Cosplay. Ever!
“What a beautiful face” and was stroking his reflection. I look at his reflection. He had cut his cheeks open to make an evil smile and blood EVERYWHERE, he had also cut his eyelids off. He was a very scary face,
and he turned to the side, staring out the window. I hide behind the doorway as to not show myself to him, and I am glad he did not see me, or I would be dead right now. He jump to the floor, then he runs over to the window. He laughs like crazy man and smashes window and then run away.
Mirror: Laugh like a crazy man, run off like a pussy.
He leaves blood on the floor, and glass. I quietly run downstairs to my mom, and I cry to her as I am scared because I am only eight.
Sylvia: (Johnny): If I were nine, I’d be fine.
I tell her the whole thing and she phones the police.
The police arrive and tell us this has happened many times before, latest one being my dad, who they had to put in the crazy instutution,
Dorkpool: Is it just me, or does Crazy Institution sound like a band?
Mirror: Eh, kind of.
Dorkpool: Well, it sounds more like a band than it does a sanitarium.
and I was sad about that. But now we had to concentrate on Jeff. The police went, and had to go look for Jeff before he killed everyone. I was nervous. They searched for hours and hours with no a veil. He was still out there, and he killed police.
Mirror: -hums “Fuck Da Police”-
Me and my family moved out of the country and went into hiding. I have too so the next family member to go crazy they know where to find him or her.
So, next time you hear about Jeff the Killer, remember that he is not what they tell you he is.
Sylvia: (Johnny): He’s even stupider than you originally thought.
He is my cousin, who went crazy because of family curse brought on by the original Jeff many many years ago.
Dorkpool: No, he’s a guy who was part of the Project who got all fucked up, and left with insanity, a healing factor, and the best Joker cosplay ever.
Mirror: What’s sad is that this makes sense in the context of our lives.
He does not have burnt himself, he has just got a skin condition, but his cut up face and big eyes with no eyelids is true. Watch out, he has no common sense, he is only crazy murder a machine, so WATCH OUT.
Sylvia: Jeff the Killer is Crazy Murder A Machine in “WATCH OUT.”
Dorkpool: Well, this story sucks.
Mirror: The spelling and grammar aren’t very good, at times making it seem like the author is a bit of a caveman (Read the line “He laughs like crazy man and smashes window and then run away” in your head in a caveman voice, and tell me it doesn’t work). And, to be honest, even if the spelling and grammar were good, the story would still suck. The characters aren’t really developed, the “origin” of the character is in some ways stupider than the original, and the idea of the insanity being passed down from generation to generation is confusing. Not the idea of insanity being hereditary per se, but because both Jeff and Johnny’s dad are insane at the same time. So are there many Jeff the Killers? And how come the police know the happened many times, but didn’t really do anything? Why not keep an eye on the family? And how come no psychologists or scientists are studying these people? Seriously, these are questions that need some answer. Now, if they made the story through Jeff’s eyes, and maybe have him keep a journal or something as he’s going insane and finding out about the hereditary insanity, that would be interesting. As is, it’s not really good.
Sylvia: There are good things. The idea of generations of murderers is somewhat interesting, and could make for a good story if done right. Also, the story itself isn’t very long, so it doesn’t drag on or anything. As is, it’s not very good.
Dorkpool: But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d go insane because of our ancestors? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
The fact that it had been over a month since Dorkpool called for help wasn’t weird. It was that, as of yet, there’d been no response.
Everyone had packed everything they could from the ship. That activity had taken a couple of days. But it had been done. And they were still waiting.
While they were waiting, Mirror had told Dorkpool something.
“You know,” Mirror said. “I don’t think I’ve seen you go in Indo’s room since she, you know…”
“Dropped me like Spartan parents drop a deformed baby off a cliff?” Dorkpool suggested.
“I wouldn’t put it quite like that, but yeah. That.”
“I know. I’ve done it on purpose.”
“Well, we’re getting off this thing soon. Hopefully soon, anyway. And something tells me that if you don’t at least take one last look or say some kind of goodbye, you’ll kick yourself for the rest of your life. Which might be a while.”
Dorkpool hadn’t responded to him, and Mirror had walked away. But that thought had been going through Dorkpool’s head since.
He did want to. But on the other hand, he’d come to grips with the breakup only recently. He had no wish to reopen old wounds. But yet…
He’d wrestled with the decision for days. And then, suddenly, he and the rest of the ship’s – well, saucer’s – crew heard a horn blaring. A ship’s horn.
The three of them went up to the bridge, since that had a large hole in it that that could possibly use to see just what the hell was going on.
As they laid eyes upon the source of the noise, Dorkpool smiled.
Took him long enough, he thought.
The three stared at a cruise ship. Not just any cruise ship, but a heavily armed cruise ship, with multiple guns – both machine and harpoon – lining the vessel. And emblazoned proudly on the hull of the ship was the name S.S. JeffxOC.
“Attention Cheese Doodle,” a booming – and familiar – voice yelled from the ship. “We’ve come to pick your asses up.”
“You called Jeff?” Mirror asked.
Mirror grunted. “Took him long enough.”
The S.S. JeffxOC lowered a ladder into the hole on the Cheese Doodle. Jeff climbed down onto the bridge.
Jeff examined the wreckage of the ship, and then the three-person crew of the ship.
“Who’s that?” he asked, pointing to Sylvia.
“That’s – ” Dorkpool started.
“I’m Sylvia Ann Sylvia, and you’re not quite as stupid looking as I thought you’d be.” Sylvia interrupted.
Jeff seemed confused.
“She’s an employee,” Dorkpool clarified.
“Oh. Where’s the catgirl?”
An awkward silence hung over the three.
“Anyway, you should all get on the ship.” Jeff said.
Dorkpool looked towards the hall.
“Problem?” Jeff asked.
“You guys go ahead. I’ve got something to do.” Dorkpool said, and went down the hall.
“Should we wait?” Jeff asked.
“Just keep the ladder down. I think Dorkpool needs to be alone.” Mirror said.
Jeff shrugged, and the three departed the ship.
A little while later…
On the deck of the S.S. JeffxOC, a red and black garbed figure climbed on.
“Welcome aboard,” Jeff said.
“Thanks. Glad to see the boat I gave you money for isn’t complete crap.” Dorkpool responded.
“Good thing you gave me that money, or you’d still be stranded.”
“Thanks for picking us up…after a month.”
The two glared at each other, then started laughing.
“Your crew’s on one of the lower decks.” Jeff said.
“Thanks.” Dorkpool said, starting to go to them.
“Why did you stay behind?” Jeff asked.
“To say my goodbyes.” Dorkpool responded.
Curious about what happened when Dorkpool stayed? Find out in MotCD: Goodbyes.