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Creepypasta Riffs: Miri

5/31/2015

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Dorkpool: You know what two things don’t go together?

Mirror: Peanut butter and apples?

Dorkpool: Yes, but-

Mirror: Jeff the Killer and shipping?

Dorkpool: That too, but-

Mirror: Mary Jane and Peter Parker?

Dorkpool: If you ask Joe Quesada, yes, but-

Mirror: You and a fanbase?

Dorkpool: …

Mirror: …

Dorkpool: Well fuck you too.

Mirror: Anyway, what were you going to say?

Dorkpool: Star Trek and the Jeff Formula.

Mirror: I…how do those things even go together?

Dorkpool: I’m not sure. But someone obviously watched Star Trek when coming up with the name for this story: “Miri.”

Mirror: Does it actually have anything to do with Star Trek?

Dorkpool: Well, let’s fail this city, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

Love and Pain are two very different but very powerful emotions.

Dorkpool: In other news, water is wet and paper is thin.


It was cloudy outside, with rain sure to come; to her it was the most perfect weather.

Mirror: Screw sunny days. LET THERE BE PRECIPITATION!


It reminded her of the day she left her old parents and got new, much nicer ones. They'd even changed her name, Miri, such a pretty name she thought,

Dorkpool: So did Captain Kirk.


 'A pretty name for a pretty little sister' Emil had said.

She wondered if Tomas would come over today, he'd been her boyfriend for many months, he'd make the room light up even if the power went out.

Mirror: (Narrator): He had a habit of setting things on fire.

Miri heard Tess calling her, the adopted mother that took care of her. Miri liked her, but she knew she made Tess uneasy, who couldn't be.

Mirror: She couldn’t be uneasy?

Closing her blinds, Miri ran downstairs, her light steps noiseless. "Miri there you are, Dinner is ready" Tess said, she smiled warmly at the other kids as they came down.

"Do I have to sit next to her?"

Dorkpool: (Britannia): You can’t sit with us.

Miri sighed and cast her green-and-bright brown (Almost reddish in color) gaze at her adopted sister. "She creeps me out" Britannia complained, sitting next to Emil. "Britannia!" Kelvin scolded as he came from his office. "Don't talk to your sister that way" he added. "She's not my sister!"

Mirror: (Kelvin): And you’re not my favorite child. Now shut up, you disappointment.


Britannia protested, glaring at her spoon.

Knock. Knock.

Both: Penny!

"I'll get it" Tess said and ran to the door "Oh hello Tomas, we're about to eat dinner" Miri heard from the front door. "Mind if I join?" Tom asked "Of course!" Tess replied, "Oh where is Dophey" she mumbled. They hadn't changed his name like they'd changed hers; he said he liked his name.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): He has a bad taste in names.

"Dinner's ready!" she called upstairs, a little boy, no more than 7 came bounding down. "OK Tess" He said, sitting in his chair.

Tomas sat down next to Miri, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. Something felt off, but Miri ignored it and began to eat her chicken.

Mirror: (Narrator): She would just wait until after dinner to tongue her boyfriend.

After dinner, Miri helped Tess wash the dishes and walked outside, sitting on the steps and enjoying the cool wind. Tomas say next to her, he didn't have his smile or that little bounce to his step.

Dorkpool: Accurate depiction of marriage.


"Tom is something wrong?" Miri asked, laying a hand on his shoulder. He flinched away from her touch. Something was really wrong.

Mirror: (Narrator): She usually had to beat him before he flinched.


"Tom, Talk to me" Miri said, looking him in the face. "It's over Miri, it's not working out" Tomas had to repeat himself because Miri couldn't believe what she was hearing. Almost unconsciously she started fiddling with her promise ring "after collage, we'll get married, and this signifies my promise to you, that I'll always be yours" he'd said. Now it seemed like a piece of silver and diamond.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Which was odd, since it was made of plastic.


"I'm sorry Miri, I'm leaving" He said before getting up and leaving.

You could have heard a pin drop.

Miri knew he'd been in love with her, it was true, and he really had so what happened? She got up from the steps and followed him, using her hunter walk to not alert him to her presence.

Dorkpool: Because a hunter walk is a thing.

Outside of his house a little further along the wooded road, there was a car, not his. A stunning girl stepped out at Tomas's appearance, her long brown hair was put into a messy bun and her short skirt didn't leave much to the imagination. Miri quickly hid and watched as Tomas gave her a passionate kiss, whispered something in her ear and walked inside.

Mirror: (Tomas): Hail Hydra.

Her nails dug into her palm, she didn't notice until it started to really hurt. Miri walked back to her house, feeling angry, hurt and betrayed, like when her parents gave her and Dophey away.

When she got home she went straight upstairs and fell asleep, trying to forget Tomas ever existed. Her nightmare went something like this. There was a little girl, it looked a little like her, but slightly different, how Miri wanted to look rather than how she did look.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): That’s why the girl had wings and laser vision.


The girl was crying, when Miri asked her what was wrong the girl replied "It hurts, it hurts really bad, I'm sorry, I'm going to do something bad" she cried.

Mirror: (Girl): I’m going to go to a Star Trek convention, and say that Darth Vader is my favorite Star Trek character.
Miri felt a chill go down her spine; she hugged the girl, who kept saying 'I'm sorry' over and over again.


Then the voice got deeper, something warm and sticky touched her back.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Maple syrup.


When she tried to pull back she was held in place by something the consistency of a rubber band. She realized it was human skin; she was trapped, kept hearing voices mumbling the same things the girl had over and over. Miri snapped awake, feeling cold.

She got up and got a glass of water with shaking fingers, trying to slow her heart down. She needed a distraction so she grabbed her bow and quiver and slipped outside into the damp night.

Mirror: (Narrator): She was going to find people and tell them that they have failed this city.


She ran into the woods well away from any people and held an arrow in the rest, in case she saw an animal. When a small turkey walked her way, it was shot and killed before it could squawk.

Dorkpool: NOT THE TURKEY! YOU MONSTER!


The sight of blood on her arrow gave her… pleasure to know she'd kill it.

The feeling scared her to death.

She'd felt pride when her dad commented on how they wouldn't have to pay for any meat when they brought down a deer or turkey together. It never gave her pleasure; it scared her and made her want more at the same time. After killing a few more turkeys, she decided it wasn't enough, she needed something big, and smart enough to put of a struggle.

Mirror: (Narrator): Maybe a German Shepard.


Miri's mind settled on one target; Tomas. Smirking, she picked up her arrows, forgetting about the turkey and ran towards Tomas's house at a full sprint. When she got to the door, she rested a bit and slipped her dagger out of a pocket in her quiver, putting it in her pocket where she could easily reach it.

"Knock, Knock Tommy" she said in a sing-song voice, her bow ready to fire.

Tomas opened the door and dodged her Arrow out of pure luck.

Dorkpool: I hate it when my victims dodge my Oliver Queens!


Her accuracy was bar none, she'd wanted him to live, wanted him to suffer. He tried to run, but he was bigger than she was and she tackled him to the ground, smashing his coffee table. Miri pinned him on the bricks next to the fireplace, the tips of his hair curled from the heat. "You hurt me Tomas, why did you hurt me?"

Mirror: (Tomas): My balls liked the other lady.


Miri asked, loading her bow and aiming for his forehead. Tomas looked terrified "Miri, come on sweetheart…" "DON'T CALL ME SWEETHEART"

Dorkpool: (Miri): CALL ME RICHARD!


Miri screamed, and let go of the string. He could only gasp for a half-second before the arrow had lodged its-self in his skull, killing him instantly. Miri shoved what she could in the fireplace, watching it burn.

When the girl came, she killed her too, and took pleasure in pulling her arrow out of the girl's neck, letting a fountain of blood spill onto the wooden floor.

Mirror: Oh, great, you got the floor dirty. Do you know how much of pain it is to clean that up?


Walking outside, skipping in that careless way only an insane killer could, Miri danced into the night, bow armed, heading for her own house.

By Hetalialuvver on deviant art

Mirror: Wait, you have the author here?
Dorkpool: Yeah.
Mirror: That’s…different.
Dorkpool: Yes, yes it is.


END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story isn’t very good.

Mirror: The biggest flaw is Miri’s descent into murder. It doesn’t make much sense. So, her boyfriend cheats on her, and she goes batshit insane and kills him? I’m not saying he didn’t deserve it, but it just seems…forced. Maybe if there were more character development, or maybe an establishment of mental issues, it might have worked. But it doesn’t work here. Also, there isn’t much in the way of characterization, and the grammar has some flaws (mostly in the quotation mark category. The writer forgot to add punctuation at the end of some of them).

Dorkpool: That all being said, the story isn’t horrible. Yes, it uses the Jeff Formula. Yes, it’s flawed. However, for a Jeff Formula story, it isn’t that terrible. The motive for Miri’s murderous snap makes more sense than a lot of other stories. The spelling and grammar, while flawed, is better than quite a few Jeff Formula stories (-cough- “White the Killer” –cough-). And while there isn’t much characterization, it isn’t that necessary for this story. However, the flaws in the story make it hard for me to call it “good.” But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d failed this city? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Killer Klub was a rather exclusive club. Well, it wasn’t a club per se; it was more of a place where people who’ve gone through similar ordeals meet and hang around. These ordeals usually include a bad family, bullying, abuse of any sort, insanity, and an urge to kill.

There is a reason why it’s called the Killer Klub, after all.

However, there recently seemed to be a decrease in attendance. It started with Rae. While she wasn’t someone who was at the club daily, she usually came around once a week, at least. Yet she hadn’t been around. There are quite a few logical explanations for this, of course. She could be busy, or out of town. Or perhaps she’s dead or arrested. But that didn’t seem right, as someone probably would’ve found out about it.

Then Clockwork stopped coming. That was very strange. She always came once a week, at 7:00 sharp. It was like…well, clockwork. And yet she’s stopped coming.

The person who ran the club, Myra (sometimes known as “Myra the Killer”, but not at the club), started noticing these disappearances, but didn’t say anything. After all, there could be logical reasons for this.

Then the Bloody Painter vanished. He was at the club on an almost daily basis, usually with one of his “works” that shows to other patrons. Yet he’s been no-show for a while. That wasn’t like him. He always craves attention.
Things got a bit more worrisome when White didn’t show up. Myra had always been friendly with White, mostly because she felt bad for her. White seemed to believe that Jeff was with her, and that they were in love. However, Jeff shows up, at most, once in a blue moon, and he’d never shown up with her. Yet White still believed Jeff was with her. Whenever she could, Myra talked to White, and tried helping her on her quest to kill Eyeless Jack (who, as far as Myra knew, was a myth).

And now White wasn’t showing up.

The Killer Klub wasn’t in a fixed location; it always moved from place to place in order to be hard to track. (It was a club of killers after all, and the police would love to capture all of them.) While it’s possible that Rae and Clockwork and the Bloody Painter and White might have simply been unable to find the club, Myra doubted it. Something fishy was going on, and Myra was determined to find out what it was. So, she started asking around, trying to see if anyone knew the whereabouts of the missing killers. It took a while, but she found someone. That someone said he’d get someone who knew exactly where the killers were, and that Myra just had to meet them outside the club.
That’s why Myra is now standing outside the Killer Klub, waiting for…someone. Her informant hadn’t really described who would show up, just that she’d know him when she saw him.

It didn’t take long for the guy to show up. He wore black armor, and a skull helmet. Myra would’ve considered that weird, but she’s seen a lot stranger.

“So,” she said. “You know where Rae, Clockwork, the Bloody Painter, and White are?”

The guy nodded. “I can take you to see them right now.”

Myra looked back at the club.

“I don’t know, I have a club to run…” she started.

“Don’t worry, I’ll bring them with us.” The man said.

Before Myra could comprehend just what he meant, dozens of people in black armor and black helmets seemed to appear out of nowhere, and barged inside the club.

Myra didn’t know where they came from or how they got here (perhaps they can turn invisible. It certainly wasn’t out of the realm of possibility, since she knew a few people who could), but she knew that she was needed. While she was pretty sure everyone inside could take care of themselves, it was her club, damn it, and she wasn’t going to let some knock-off storm troopers go inside there.

Myra turned around, and started to run towards the club. That was unfortunate for her, since the man in the skull helmet grabbed her by her hair, and smashed her into the ground, knocking her unconscious.  
Soon, every patron in the club suffered a similar fate to Myra.

Everything was going according to plan.

Soon phase two could begin.

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Creepypasta Riffs: Killuminati Annabelle

5/28/2015

0 Comments

 
Dorkpool: So the dollar bill has a pyramid with an eye on it.

Mirror: Your legal tender is strange.

Dorkpool: What’s yours like?

Mirror: In my universe, it has my face on it.

Dorkpool: And you complained that I was a narcissist…

Mirror: Anyway, go on.

Dorkpool: So the dollar bill has that eye pyramid, and JFK’s murderer has never really been caught. ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED!

Mirror: I thought his killer was caught.

Dorkpool: ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED!

Mirror: You’re being an idiot.

Dorkpool: Yeah, well, we’re Riffing a story from the Creepypasta Land Wiki called “Killuminati Annabelle.” And yes, it has to do with the Illuminati.

Mirror: Oh, joy.

Dorkpool: So, let’s come up with conspiracy theories and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

The Illuminati is quite a shady group that leaves legends in the society.

Dorkpool: Not just any society, but the society.


No one knows the truth about them, and that leaves people wondering if they really exist. First time I heard about the Illuminati, I shrugged it off as complete bullshit, but let me tell you a story about my own encounter with these satanic freaks.

Mirror: (Narrator): It involves a flamethrower, gasoline, and burritos.

I am a student at West Virginia University, and classes were out for spring break. I decided to visit my hometown, Prosperity, WV. My roommate, Steve, was staying in our dorm, and he told me to call him once I got home since I had to drive about three hours to get there.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): I usually called him about three hours in advance to tell him I was home, then laughed as he waited for me.

I chose to drive at night because there would be less traffic on the roads, so at about 1 am, I was already on the road. Now, I was driving on highway 19, and I didn't have to make any drastic turns on the road, so I was pretty chill. I turned on the radio and drove about 60 mph.

Mirror: Sammy Hagar was wrong. One can drive 55.

About two hours in the drive, I was driving past Lansing, and something very unnatural happened. It was 3 am by now, and still pitch dark outside. As I am driving past a gas station, I turn to see the gas prices.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): $4 a gallon? That’s bullshit.

I looked away from the road for maybe a second because I didn't spot a single car in the fourth of a mile radius. Right when I turn my head back to the road, I see a flashing light speeding towards me, maybe fifty yards away.

Mirror: Come to the light.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Ok! –crashes-


This light was also accompanied by a loud screeching sound, and at that moment I couldn't tell if the driver was pressing the brake so hard, it was making a sound, or something inside that vehicle was making it, but that that time, I didn't care.

Mirror: (Narrator): I loved it.

I yelled and turned my steering wheel as hard as I could, sending my car off the road. For some reason, the car didn't stop once I hit the grass, and kept moving until it stopped at a small road. It didn't seem like it was abandoned, so I decided to drive down this road.

Dorkpool: You all just know this isn’t going to end well.

I noticed that there was a river to my right, and decided not to stray from the river, so if I get lost, I can turn around and drive back.
I had been driving for around 30 minutes, but I didn't see any signs of life.

Mirror: (Narrator): Just signs saying, “Turn Back” and “Don’t Dead Enter Inside.”

I had seen not a single soul on the road, and I was starting to doubt my chances of getting home down this road. I pulled over and took my phone out of my pocket. I checked the directions.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): For some reason, the directions are to an IKEA.

To my surprise, the phone said that I was going the right way and I was to reach home in twenty minutes. Also a strange thing popped up on my map: the directions said that I was going to be driving past a town, which I had no knowledge of, and I knew almost all towns near Prosperity.

Mirror: (Narrator): I spend my every waking hour memorizing every town near Prosperity.

I shrugged it off, and continued driving. Soon enough, I see a sign saying 'Thurmond, WV in 3 miles' I've never heard of Thurmond, and I wish I had, so I could have turned around and drove the fuck out of there.

Dorkpool: I said something similar about “White the Killer.”

As I am driving on the desolated road, I spot something, which alarms me. The closer I drive, the more I can make out of the figure. To my uttermost surprise, I see a girl, maybe around fifteen years old, standing on the side of the road.

Mirror: (Narrator): Wait, no, that’s not a girl, that’s Bill Bixby. False alarm.

I haven't spotted a single soul on my entire drive here, but now, I see a teenage girl right as I'm about to drive into a mysterious town. Something was off about this, and I wanted no part in it, buts she must've spotted the headlights of my car, because at that moment, the girl was looking me straight in the eyes through my window.

Dorkpool: (singing): I always feel like somebody’s watching me!

As uncomfortable as I was, I figured that she simply needed a ride back to the town, so I stopped. Little did I know that this was probably the biggest mistake of my life.

Mirror: (Narrator): I watched an Adam Sandler movie without any type of alcohol.


"Hey kid, what are you doing here?" I rolled down my window to take a closer look at her. She was wearing a white blouse, black skirt, and red flats, along with various pieces of jewelry. Her scarlet hair cascaded down to her shoulders, and her eyes were a crimson red, which was the only thing off about her.

Dorkpool: Well, that and the fact that she’s just walking around a possibly abandoned town. But that’s normal for you, I guess.

I decided not to ask about them, since it might be caused by an illness, and I didn't want to seem rude. She didn't seem hostile at all.
"My name is Annabelle Torres. I was taking a walk, but then I got lost. Will you please drive me back to my house?" She said politely and smiled.

Mirror: (Narrator): Nope!

I didn't want to waste any time, but I wasn't about to leave a child stranded in the middle of nowhere at night, so I took a double take and sighed.
"Get in the backseat." I said, and unlocked the doors. Annabelle opened the door, and sat down on one of my seats, "Do you know your address?"
"Yeah, do you have a piece of paper and a pen?" I took out my notebook and pen, and handed it to her. She quickly wrote down her address, and handed it back to me.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Why does this say, “ALWAYS WATCHES”?

Mirror: (Annabelle): I’m thinking of making a game where someone has to get a bunch of pages like that while getting chased by a tall guy in a suit.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): That’ll never catch on.


I set the address in my GPS and started driving.
While driving, I would look in the rearview mirror, and whenever I did at that moment, I would see the kid looking back at me, smiling. This made me feel very uneasy. Just the way she appeared made my stomach drop. Her skin was pale. Not a natural pale, but a sickly, paper-white pale.

Mirror: Oh no, it’s a Jeff the Killer wannabe! Run!


And the way her eyes looked. Whenever I would even look away from the mirror, I could feel her crimson red irises burning into my skull. Thankfully, we drove into town a couple of minutes later. I thought that Annabelle would be the freakiest thing I'd have to go through that night, but I was so wrong.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Michael Jackson and Mel Gibson showed up.


Thurmond appeared to be a deserted town. All of the buildings looked as if they were about to collapse, and once again, not a single living human, not a single car, nothing.
"Hey, are you sure this is the right address?" I ask. There is an eerie silence for a couple of seconds.
"Yeah, it is. My house is the one over there."

Mirror: (Annabelle): It’s next to the graveyard and right between the abandoned church and the house with blood dripping from the roof.

Annabelle pointed towards a large wooden house that's painted a dark green. I had to pressure myself in even driving near the house. I turned my car around, so I can get out of the town faster, and unlocked the doors.
"We're here, Annabelle." I say, as I turn around. She stared at me for another couple of seconds.
"Thank you." The girl smiled and got out of the car. She looked at the house, then back tome, then back to the house.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Then back to me, then back at the house, then back to me.

Mirror: And then?


The next thing she said terrorized me, and I can't stand even thinking about it.
"Would you like to come with me?" Annabelle looked at me with a calm look. A simple phrase, but it struck me like a grenade.

Mirror: There’s a grenade around! Quick, get Bruno Mars!


The right thing to do in that situation would have been to speed away from there as fast as I could and never come back, but I guess my brain didn't work that fast.

Dorkpool: Clearly.


"I- I- I'm not going in there." I stuttered, and looked at her wide eyed. Suddenly Annabelle looked down at the ground, and then back up to me. Then I saw the saddest, and cutest look I've ever seen in my life.
Mirror: (Narrator): The same look I’d see later when she was cutting me open.
The girl looked at me, puppy-eyed
"Please?" I don't understand how this demon child could turn into the most adorable human being in just a matter of seconds, but the next thing I knew, I was standing in the doorway of the house. Annabelle turned the doorknob and it made a ghastly sound. She walked into the house, and I followed. Now, I usually don't get scared easily, but what I saw inside the house will haunt me forever.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): A NAMBLA meeting.


I saw a group of people, all with different masks on, gathered around a table, which had something glowing on it. Pictures of dead celebrities and random people, pentagrams, and blood were plastered over the walls. Once Annabelle and I walked in the group turned to us. I was about to grab the kid and run, thinking that this is a paranormal activity,

Mirror: No, paranormal activity involves more found footage and shaky cameras.


but when I looked at her, her face was formed into a crazed smile.
"I've brought the new sacrifice." She said. What I did next was probably an effect of fight-or-flight instincts, but it saved my life.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): I mooned them.


I darted out of the house, into my car, started it, and without a second thought, sped away from the town as fast as I could.
My GPS turned out to be correct, and I got home quickly. I ate dinner with my parents, and when they asked me what took me so long, I just said it was traffic. I didn't dare tell them what happened. As soon as I got into my room, I typed 'Annabelle Torres' into the search engine, and the results made my heart sink.

Mirror: (Narrator): Sudden Heart-Focused Gravity Syndrome.

"Annabelle Charlotte Torres, born in Monroe, Virginia. Experienced much paranormal activity throughout her life, and went missing at the age of fourteen. It is believed that she had contact with the Illuminati before she disappeared.

Dorkpool: (Result): She also ranted a lot about how 9/11 was an inside job and how satellites were reading people’s minds.


Many claim to have seen Annabelle, but none of the events were proven. However, all of the people that claim to have spotted her have one thing in common: after their encounters, they find the phrase 'Wake up' carved on their lower back"
I stood up and went to the bathroom. As I lifted up my shirt, I saw the messy handwriting that matched the paper Annabelle wrote her 'address' on. Two words that haunt me to this day

Mirror: Hail Hydra.

WAKE UP

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story isn’t very good.

Mirror: The main problem is the ending. It seems like it comes right out of nowhere. The beginning seemed sane, and pretty good, and suddenly…stupid! It’s not the cult thing that’s stupid, it’s the fact that the cult is considered to be the Illuminati. That’s really pretty stupid. As far as I know, the Illuminati doesn’t work like that. And why the phrase “wake up”? That doesn’t gel with anything, and just seems like a cheap Jeff the Killer reference.

Dorkpool: That all being said, the story isn’t terrible. The spelling and grammar is pretty good, especially for a Creepypasta Land story. The beginning part wasn’t that bad; actually, it was pretty good. And the story wasn’t very long, so that’s good. However, it still has flaws that bring it down. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d wake up? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.




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Creepypasta Riffs: Popobawa

5/26/2015

2 Comments

 
Dorkpool: You know something I find funny?

Mirror: Do tell.

Dorkpool: There’s another horror story based Wiki called the Creepypasta For Kids Wiki.

Mirror: And it’s funny because…?

Dorkpool: I took a little bit of a look there, and there are quite a few stories on there that are much better than anything original from the Creepypasta Land Wiki. And the Creepypasta Land Wiki is supposed to be for older folks who appreciate things like proper grammar and such. (Oh, by the way, if you want to read funny horror story, I recommend checking out “The Switch” on the Creepypasta For Kids Wiki. Seriously, it’s great)

Mirror: Well, it’s kind of ironic. Out of curiosity, are we Riffing anything from there?

Dorkpool: Not today. I just wanted to give our fanbase a place outside of the Creepypasta Wiki where they can find good horror stories. No, today we’re Riffing a story from the Creepypasta Land Wiki called “Popobawa.” So, let’s try not to get sodomized, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

On the Tanzanian island of Pemba, there lives something otherworldly called the Popobawa.

Dorkpool: Popbawa, huh?

Mirror: Yeah.

Dorkpool: And I thought Liu was a stupid name…


It is a nocturnal creature that rapes it's victims when they are trying to sleep. It doesn't matter what it will rape, it will do it to either men, women, or children.

Mirror: (Narrator): Hell, it’ll rape a tree if it’s horny enough.

The Popobawa apparently tell it's victim while sodomizing them that they must confess what happened to them or else it will continue to rape them. One of the signs of the creature's presence is a sulfur-like smell.

Dorkpool: Nightcrawler needs to keep it in his pants.

It is a recent monster that appeared in the 1960s after the Zanzibar Island revolutions. No one knows where it came from, but there is a legend on the island that said that an Arab sheikh released a djinni to take vengeance on his neighbors for some type of wrongdoing. However, he could not control it and it became evil.

Mirror: This is why we don’t release evil demons from the ether.

Plus, Popobawa attacks appear during politcal occurences, but there is a report once in awhile of it attacking when there are no elections happening. The description of the creature is said to be be humanoid/bat-like and cyclopean with an erect penis,

Dorkpool: He’s happy to see you.

but it is also said to be a shapeshifter that can turn into an animal or human and this can basically turn into a moral panic where people have been accused of being the Popobawa and have been beaten, sometimes to death. During a Popobawa panic, people will have to camp outside around a fire in case no one wants to get sodomized by the evil creature.

Mirror: In case of not wanting to be sodomized, camp around a fire.

Dorkpool: I guess some people don’t want death by sodomization.


Since Zanzibar and Tanzania are mostly Islamic, the Popobawa can be repelled by holding and reciting the Qur'an like how demons in the Christian world can be warded off that way with the Bible, and a charm made out of a bundle of the pages of the Qur'an just like how demons and vampires in the Christian world are afraid of crucifixes.

Dorkpool: No, no, in the Christian world, vampires sparkle.

If you do visit that island, bring a Qur'an with you in case of a panic like this happens to occur and if you don't believe in the Popobawa, it will end up doing to you what it has been doing to the natives that don't believe in it

Mirror: (Narrator): Cleaning up their homes…

Dorkpool: Oh, that doesn’t sound so bad.

Mirror: (Narrator): …with its dick.

Dorkpool: Ew.


END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks, but it’s kind of enjoyable.

Mirror: The monster’s name is stupid, what it does is stupid, and most everything about it is pretty stupid. Also, the spelling and grammar suck (“During a Popobawa panic, people will have to camp outside around a fire in case no one wants to get sodomized by the evil creature.” So do people in general want to be sodomized by it, but if some don’t, they camp around a fire?) and it does impact understanding of the story.

Dorkpool: Despite being stupid, it’s funny as hell to read. This story falls under the category of “so bad it’s good” in my opinion. And even if it didn’t, I’d still award it points for uniqueness. The name is unique (though undeniably stupid), what it does is unique (seriously, how often do you hear about a monster sodomizing its victims? And I mean actual monsters, not prison inmates), and its origin is unique (how many times have you heard of Christian monsters? And how many times have you heard of Islamic monsters? Exactly). While I won’t deny that this story sucks, it’s still enjoyable. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be sodomized? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been some time since the girl called White had started her quest. She wanted to kill the one called Eyeless Jack. Her quest wasn’t a solitary one; she had been joined by her friend and lover, Jeff. Granted, there are times when she remembers him going off on his own at some point, but she attributed that to stress. After all, he’s still with her. He doesn’t talk much or do much, but he’s still with her.

The two of them, through multiple murders and leads, eventually found the eyeless bastard, and confronted him. He looked…different than how she remembered. His face, rather than being blue, was bone-white, and he didn’t wear a hoodie. Rather, he wore armor. However, there was one thing that showed who he was: his lack of eyes. That’s Jack, alright.

White charged, knife in her hand, hate in her eyes. She stabbed the eyeless one in the stomach…and watched as her knife broke. This caused her to pause for a second, and it was second too long as Jack grabbed her by the throat.

“That wasn’t very nice,” he said, starting to squeeze. White looked at Jeff, who was just…standing there, not doing a thing.

“Jeff…help…” she gasped.

Jack heard her, and turned his head in the same direction as White…and started laughing.

White was momentarily confused. Her confusion faded along with her vision and consciousness.


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Creepypasta Riffs: Pete the Killer

5/21/2015

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Dorkpool: I have two nouns that will say all that needs to be said about this story: Creepypasta Land Wiki and Jeff the Killer.

Mirror: Well just kill me now.

Dorkpool: Nah. Let’s just hot wire a motorcycle and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

Pete Willows and his family decided to move to a new house, a cabin the woods.

Dorkpool: Well, at least it’s not a cabin in the woods, so he’s safe.

They had to leave the city due to a stalker who previously kidnapped Pete had just busted out of jail. Pete, obviously not wanting any risks, moves with his family far away from where the stalker could find him.

Mirror: You know, most people move because they got a new job, or want to start a new life. Not Pete though! Nope, he moves because of a psychotic stalker.

Jeff had been killing for 7 years now, and he has been quite proud of himself for all the lives and souls he "freed". He saw Pete's car drive into the woods. Wanting another murder, Jeff hot wires a motorcycle and follows them to the cabin. 

Dorkpool: Yes, because Jeff the Killer can totally do that.

Pete and his family had just finished packing. Pete decided since they had been driving all day long, that they should go to bed earlier that night, as it was summer vacation and they have all summer to stay up late. 

Mirror: (Narrator): And watch porn.

Jeff stopped the motorcycle and climbed through the trees to get to the house, so that Pete and his family wouldn't see him driving to their house with weapons. 

Pete and his wife Veronica kissed and went to sleep.

Dorkpool: Apparently Pete married the Hulkbuster armor. 

10 minutes later, Pete wakes up to the window opening. Pete and Veronica look inside and outside to check if anyone had broken in, but they could not find anyone. They go back to sleep but wake up shortly to see Jeff in front of them. 

Mirror: (Jeff): Hi, do you have a minute to talk about Our Lord and Savior Zalgo?

"Shh... GO TO SLEEP" 

With that, Pete and Veronica had lost it. Jeff stabs Veronica in her side and she falls down. Pete charged at Jeff but Jeff kicked him in the face and knocked him out the window, knocking him out. Jeff had went towards the children, thinking Pete was dead. 

Dorkpool: Jeff the Killer: Smart enough to hot wire a motorcycle, but not smart enough to check whether or not his victims are still alive.

Meanwhile, Pete woke up. He looked back inside his room to find Veronica dead and see Jeff run for the children. Pete knew that he couldn't take Jeff and that by the time he would of reached his kids, they would have already of been dead. So Pete hid in his tool shed and waited. 

Mirror: What a great father.

Jeff had just finished off Pete's kids and family, and started to leave. 

Pete peaked out of the tool shed and took a picture of Jeff, so he could find him later. Jeff drove off and left. 

Dorkpool: (Jeff): Well, off to ruin more stories!

Pete had decided to check on his kids, just to see if they were somehow alive. He went to their room and saw them tied to chairs and bleached. Their skin was a ghostly pale white, and a smile was carved into both of their faces as well as their eyelids burned off. 

Mirror: Any similarities to the Joker are purely coincidental.

After this, Pete had snapped. He grabbed his keys and followed Jeff in his family sedan that he will never have another family in. 

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Except the secret family his has that his other one didn’t know about.

"Jeff I am coming for you". 

PART 1 END

(Yeah, this story is divided into two parts. Since these stories aren’t very long, we decided to combine them into one story.)

PART 2 BEGIN

One month later, Pete had finally found where Jeff was.

Dorkpool: Oh, this moron can find where Jeff is, but you and Indo can’t?

Mirror: Hey, we’re trying.

He had gone insane. Jeff roamed the streets killing everyone he could. They both were driven to insanity and both's minds are completely broken.

Mirror: (Narrator): And they couldn’t exchange them for a money back guarantee.

Jeff had just finished his latest work by killing a family of seven. Jeff escaped to the storage building across the street. Jeff made a bed and went to sleep, which used to be hard, but now he can sleep with his eyes open.

Dorkpool: Well, duh. Having no eyelids does that to a guy.

Meanwhile Pete had just finished his latest search for Jeff. He went on to his final battle with Jeff, in a storage facility.

Jeff was sleeping when he woke up after a dream of his old life.

Mirror: (Narrator): It was a dream filled with bad writing, neglectful parents, and stupidity.

He heard movements. He saw Pete in the back of the room. Jeff grabbed his knife and charged at Pete. Pete blocked the knife with his knife. Jeff stabbed at him but Pete blocked and Pete swung at him but missed. Jeff stepped on Pete's toe and hit him in the face with the back with the knife.

Dorkpool: Toe no!

Mirror: -smacks Dorkpool-

Pete kicks Jeff back. Jeff grabs his knife and jams it at Pete who dodges it and jabs his knife at Jeff but Jeff blocks it with his knife. 

Jeff was getting stressed that he couldn't instantly kill him like everyone else,

Mirror: (Narrator): …since cheats were off.

while Pete was not as he had nothing left to lose, he was going to kill himself once he killed Jeff anyways. Jeff charges at Pete but Pete trips him and throws him against the wall. Pete kicked Jeff and tackled him. Jeff quickly rolled Pete off him and charged at Pete. Pete jumped and kicked Jeff in the face.

Dorkpool: Pete Willows: Loving father, and Kung-Fu master.

Pete runs and Jeff but Jeff kicks him. Pete charges at Jeff and Jeff climbs up towards the top of the huge roll of boxes. Pete climbed up too. 

Jeff grabbed his knife and tried gutting Pete but he blocks it. Jeff kicks Pete back and Pete falls off the boxes. Jeff ran across the boxes and looks up and sees Max climbing on the ceiling.

Both: Who the hell is Max?

Pete drops down and punches Jeff. Pete punches again but Jeff catches his fist and throws him onto another box. Jeff jumps onto the other box and they break it and fall into a box filled with baseball tools.

Mirror: You know, it’s a shame we can’t do a crossover with CinenaSins. They’d have a field day with this story.

Jeff picks up a bat and Pete picks up a bat and they swing at each other, each missing. Pete climbs out off the box and Jeff follows. They clash bats a few times until Jeff takes out his knife and breaks Pete's bat in half. Pete cuts Jeff's bat with his hook and Jeff slams his head into Pete's and tackles him and they landed on another box. Pete knocks Jeff into the box, which is filled with explosives.

Dorkpool: I honestly want to know who was storing this stuff.

Pete holds his knife to Jeff's neck. Jeff struggles to grab a grenade. Jeff kicks Pete into the box and lights a grenade and escapes the box, says "go to sleep", and runs away as the box explodes. Pete is still alive but is crushed to death by the storage facility.

Mirror: Truly, this was no big loss.

Jeff hardly escapes and is knocked out of the storage facility and he is knocked out. One week later, Jeff wakes up in the hospital with a doctor who tells him he's been out for a week. 

One doctor looks at the patients history and realizes he is wanted.

Mirror: Because the doctor couldn’t have looked at Jeff’s patient history a week earlier, or recognize the guy who looks like a Joker cosplayer.

The doctor slowly backs up to the door. Jeff grabs a pair of scissors and slits the doctor's throat and then injects him with random medicine.

Dorkpool: No! Not Matt Smith! Or David Tennant!

Jeff puts on the doctors outfit and hijacks an ambulance and drives off into the night. 

Mirror: Jeff will return in "Jane the Killer VS. Jeff the Killer: The 15th Final Battle."

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks.

Mirror: It didn’t really need to be divided into two parts (hence why it was combined here). The spelling and grammar aren’t very good, and led to some head-scratching moments ("Pete is still alive but is crushed to death by the storage facility"). There’s very little characterization, and because of that I care little about the characters. (Of course, I don’t care much about Jeff anyway, so…) The plot is pretty cliché, and it could’ve actually been good. Also, there are times when it feels like this story is a sequel of sorts to something, like in the discussion of why Pete moved, or the mention of Max. (Seriously, who in the seven hells is Max?) However, the author didn’t write any prequel of sorts to this, so that makes the Max thing even more nonsensical.

Dorkpool: There are, of course, good things, since nothing is completely awful. The idea behind this story is actually pretty good: a guy whose family is killed by Jeff decides to go out for revenge. This could’ve made for a good story. However, this story is not good. It’s short though; both parts are, in fact. Also, there is some uniqueness here: the reason why Pete moved is interesting and unique, and Pete is unique for not being a total moron. Still though, this story sucks. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish Jeff the Killer would murder our families? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

 

 

 

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Creepypasta Riffs: Welcome to My Masquerade

5/20/2015

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Dorkpool: Out of all the Creepypasta based websites and Wikis, I like to consider the Creepypasta Wiki the best of all of them. This isn’t because the Riffs got a start on there or because I’m biased or anything. No, it’s because that Wiki has quality standards, and a lot of good reading material. A lot of the stories I’ve read on the Wiki are stories that I personally think a Creepypasta should be: good, dark, disturbing, scary, etc.

Mirror: And it should also have nothing to do with "Jeff the Killer."

Dorkpool: Yep. However, I sometimes forget that the Creepypasta Wiki isn’t perfect, and still has some crap. Thankfully (I guess), there are stories like "Welcome to My Masquerade" to remind me.

Mirror: And we’re going to Riff it, of course.

Dorkpool: But of course. So, let’s listen to a catchy song, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

Dear reader,

My name is Sid.

Dorkpool: (Sid): And no, for the last time, I’m not the one making those lost episodes, ok?

If you are now reading this I am long gone but before I go I must write this to warn you. This note is to warn you of the dangers I accidentally put myself through so hopefully you won’t make the same mistake I did and end up like me.

Mirror: Don’t you say something similar about Riffing?

Dorkpool: Yep.

Throughout the past month th-this creature, maybe a human demon of some sort has been haunting me and driving me insane! All of this because of this song a person send me on my computer!

Dorkpool: I knew "Friday" was evil!

(The link to the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZIJliTYdtU) All because of that video this is happening to me! Anyway before my time runs out I decide to name this demon person Masquerade.

Mirror: Don’t fear your demons. Name them.

I’m also p-pretty sure it’s a girl too. I call her Masquerade because she wears a mask that’s not a normal mask you would see.

Dorkpool: (Sid): It’s shaped like a giant windmill.

She also wears a long black trench coat with different patterns to it that are hard to make out, same goes for her pants.

Mirror: Her pants are also a trench coat?

Dorkpool: Oh, kids these days. They dress so oddly.

Her hair it-it’s long and black with blood stained streaks in it. The worst part about her is her eyes. Looking at her eyes they… they can just drive you insane! It’s like looking into an empty black endless soul full of malice.

Dorkpool: Like looking into Dick Cheney’s eyes.

I just can’t even explain it. Anyway my time i-is running out so I must make this quick! Never play that song! That’s what will make her come after you. To end you! That song is just so addicting to listen to, it makes you just go insane!

Mirror: (Sid): I should never have listened to "Happy"!

I-I just can’t take it! You must not play or listen to that son-. Wait what was that? I hear music…

Dorkpool: (Sid): It makes me dance.

That-that song! How is it playing! Make it sto- (loud crashes and screaming can be heard)

Aww isn’t she just adorable.

Both: No.

Oh you will agree too if only you could see her mutilated body! All bloody and gory, isn’t it just beautiful! As the lovely Sid said I am Masquerade!

Mirror: (Masquerade): And welcome to Jackass.

And Sid was right, you shouldn’t play that song but I would love it if you would!

Especially if I get to play with your mind and toy with you like a little puppet!

Dorkpool: You know, this argument isn’t very convincing.

But anyway that delightful girl should be example enough to show people not to mess with me. And if the girl all bloodied with the words:

"You have been warned ~love masquerade" written in blood above her head on the wall doesn’t show it or help believe in me.

Mirror: I’m an atheist.

Play the song and see what happens. I dare you! And let poor Sid be a lesson to all of you humans. Never listen or open a cursed link from hell unless you are nice enough to let us demons have some fun!

Dorkpool: Every haunted file Creepypasta story in a nutshell.

Farewell for now!

~Love Masquerade

Dorkpool: Aw, how sweet.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks.

Mirror: The plot is cliché, and is basically taken from "Jeff Is Back." The journal/note format raises quite a few questions, like, "Why is the main character stuttering in her writing?", "Why does the killer write in the journal/note/whatever the hell?", "Why does the main character have a link to the song that Masquerade is supposed to be summoned from?", and finally, "Why would the main character warn only people on the Creepypasta Wiki of this creature?" None of the characters are developed, though this can be excused. It’s obvious that the writer is making this note as fast as she can, and probably wants to warn people of the creature before it gets her. Establishing things like backstory, character, etc. does take time, time which she doesn’t have. However, what I won’t excuse is the writing itself. It feels stilted and not very natural, which makes it harder to believe, and therefore fear, this story. By the way, the writer was definitely trying to make this story scary. Yeah, she (and I checked; the writer is a she) failed.

Dorkpool: There are good things. This story does the "demon finding you by looking at/listening to file" thing better than "Jeff Is Back" did. The spelling is good and the grammar, while stilted and kind of awkward, is understandable. The story itself isn’t very long, so it’s not much of a drag to read. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d listen to that fatally catchy song? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blood makes an interesting type of paint. It has a rather unique color, which is a good thing for an aspiring artist. The one called Bloody Painter (not by himself, of course. The name is rather corny, and as an artist, he wishes to be recognized by his true name) understands this, of course. However, not many others do. They seem rather reluctant to part with their blood. Hence why he has to collect his materials in an interesting way: death. Of course, in collecting those materials, he realized that he was, in fact, creating art. While some consider what he does murder, he prefers to think of it as turning a blank piece of paper into a work of art.

Like all artists, he does have critics. However, where most critics try to simply critique one’s art, his critics are much more rude, and try to stop him from making his beautiful pieces. He usually ends up making his critics see how incredible his art is by turning them into it.

Also like all artists, he does have fans. He usually doesn’t meet with them, but he had recently decided to make an exception. A fan contacted him, and said he had people for the Painter’s work. While he was more than capable of finding people on his own, it was quite a bit of work and effort, work and effort that could be put into his art. So, he decided to meet this fan.

His first thought upon meeting this fan is that he (or she, perhaps; while the body type seems male, maybe the costume could be padded or something) was dressed rather oddly. Dark onyx armor, an ivory skeletal-

With a punch, this fan (though the Painter was starting to think that maybe this person was not a fan) knocked the Painter into a wall. He was bleeding, and even in pain and facing possible death, he still had to admit that it was a really beautiful color.

The not-a-fan came towards the Painter. The Painter tried to do something, but it seemed as if his limbs weren’t responding to him. That wasn’t a good thing; a painter – an artist – needs his limbs to continue his craft.

He was going to try and do or say something to this…whoever, when said whoever punched him in the face. The last thing the Painter saw was the beautiful red of blood.

 

 


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Creepypasta Riffs: The Story of Ravenous Flame

5/19/2015

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Dorkpool: You know what we haven’t done in a while?

Mirror: A lot of things, but I assume you have something particular in mind.

Dorkpool: Talk about the Creepypasta Land Wiki.

Mirror: Well, yeah, we’ve kind of beaten that to death.

Dorkpool: True, but new readers might not know of our opinions on it.

Mirror: And they can’t look at older Riffs because…?

Dorkpool: …anyway, the Creepypasta Land Wiki really does suck. Quite a few of its stories have ended up here. That’s not a good thing, since we specialize in making fun of bad stories. Speaking of bad stories, today we’ve got "The Story of Ravenous Flame", which is from the Creepypasta Land Wiki. So, without further ado, let’s flame on and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

I woke up in my bed like a normally do.

Dorkpool: First sentence, and already we have a typo! Oh, joy.

But, this day was not even close to normal! It was still dark out. It was 10:15 AM when I woke up and that isnt a normal time for it to stay dark.

Mirror: That’s what you get for forgetting to set your clock.

"Mom? Dad?" I call out while I walk into their bedroom. When I get into there, I find my parents on their bed. Dead. There was this creature over them. Eating their flesh.

Dorkpool: Well someone is cheating on their diet.

"STOP!" I scream. He looks up at me and tries to attack me.

"Save her for later Rake." I hear a voice in the shadows call out to the person eating my parents. It's probably not even a person at all.

Mirror: (Narrator): It’s probably a lawn mower.

I get up once the 'Rake' continues to eat my parents.

"Do you think that you are going someone human?" The shadow calls to me.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Well, if I knew where "someone human" was, maybe I would go there.

"Leave. Me. Alone." I say in a pissed off voice.

"Haha. Why!" He says back to me stepping out of the shadows. I know him from the creepypastas i read online. He's...he's Jeff the Killer.

Mirror: (Narrator): Really, I meet Jeff? There are so many other Creepypasta characters, and I have to meet Jeff? Not someone cool, but that loser? My life sucks.  

"And what do you want me to do? Huh? You expect me to sit around here all day waiting for that....thing to kill me?!

Dorkpool: (Jeff): Well, yeah.

Mirror: (Narrator): You’re not a very good planner, are you?

Dorkpool: (Jeff): I burned off my eyelids. What do you think?

You guys killed my parents and you guys expect me to just sit around here and allow it to happen you stupid thing! I won't allow you guys to kill me or even try and get near me! Do you fucking hear me Jeff!!!"

Mirror: (Jeff): What?

Dorkpool: (Jeff): Did you say something?

I scream to Jeff and I back him into the wall. 

"Maybe we should just kill her now Jeff." The Rake says in a raspy voice. It's haunting me.

Dorkpool: 2spoopy4me.

"No." Jeff says back to him. I back up off of him and open the door. I walk out and start getting dressed when someone grabs my hair. 

"Let go of me!" I scream, trying to get out of the grasp of their hands.

"Such a pretty little body." Jeff says behind me.

Mirror: Ok, bad touch! Use the rape whistle!

I chill at his voice. He sounds like...he...wants me.

"LET GO OF ME!" I say. As I say that Jeff lets go of my hair and winces. I move my hair in front of my face. It's on fire.

Dorkpool: (singing): THIS HAIR IS ON FIIIIIIIIIIRE!

I look at my hands and open them. A fire ball appears and I throw it at Jeff making him fall down. 

"I am Ravenous Flame. Try to hurt me and I WILL hurt you back. Cross the paths of hell where freedom is non-existent." I say to Jeff

Mirror: What? What in the seven hells just happened?

That is the end of my OC story. Do not steal because it IS copyrighted.

Dorkpool: Trust me, no one wants to steal it.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks.

Mirror: It has less than adequate spelling and grammar, there’s no characterization, and it doesn’t really make sense. Well, let me elaborate a bit: the ending and main OC character make no sense. Why does she suddenly have flame power? Does a possible rapist in her midst turn her into the Human Torch? And what does "Cross the paths of hell where freedom is non-existent" mean? It was probably there to sound cool and epic and whatever, but it just comes off as stupid and nonsensical. Also, I truly doubt that this story is copyrighted per se. That does cost money, you know.

Dorkpool: There are some good things. The bad spelling and grammar doesn’t really impede understanding of the story (it’s just the bad writing and random plot elements that do that). The story is short, so it’s not a drag to read. And…that’s all. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d cross the paths of hell where freedom is non-existent? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

 

 

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Creepypasta Riffs: SR142

5/18/2015

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Dorkpool: About twelve days ago from the time this was written, we Riffed a story called "Duck Pond." It’s a spin-off of "Abandoned By Disney" and, unlike "Abandoned By Disney," is not based off a real park. It just makes shit up. And despite the fact that no one really asked for a sequel, there is one.

Mirror: At least it’s not a reboot…

Dorkpool: True, since it feels like Hollywood has done those to death (If you don’t agree, I have to say Hulk, Star Trek, Ghostbusters, Spider-Man, Batman, Superman, and do I need to go on?). However, I’m still not thrilled about this story, "SR142."

Mirror: You and me both.

Dorkpool: Anyway, let’s punch in cheat codes, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

It had been two months since my previous investigation of the abandoned Duck Pond park.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): In that time, I’ve found out that the park doesn’t exist.

I stopped because I didn't really have any reason to continue. 

Mirror: And yet there’s a sequel.

Dorkpool: The "Jaws" sequels in a nutshell.

Well that was before I found out that my Aunt had some audio recordings of her deceased boyfriend's investigation of the place that he recorded before he died. Apparently he did some investigation of his own after the 4 children were murdered. I had asked my aunt for the audio recordings for at least a month, but she would never let me have it.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): I had to threaten to break her knees to get them.

Thirsty for knowledge on Disney's plots, I stole the audio tapes from her. They are bellow:

Recording one:

Mirror: (Boyfriend): Welcome to Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza.

"Uh hello...I was a former worker at Duck Pond. After the 4 children were murdered there, I decided to do some investigation...I'm gonna go check out the place tomorrow."

Recording two: "Hello...I entered the abandoned Duck Pond today.

Dorkpool: (Boyfriend): I’m being followed by living Mickey suits now.

I haven't really found anything, and I had to leave early because I heard footsteps, and I don't want to get caught sneaking into the park. Tomorrow I will do some investigation, and tell you a story from when I worked there."

Mirror: (Boyfriend): It’s a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down.

Recording three: "Hello. I haven't found anything else, so I'll just tell you guys a story from when I worked there. There was a big big party at the park, and it was jammed packed. Once the party was half way done, there was a big feast. It was the most unhealthy thing I had ever seen...

Dorkpool: Charlie Sheen?

there was literally no healthy food, only sugary junk food. There were a lot of sugary food there, obviously...and a lot of young children there. So uh...you can see how this would escalate quickly.

Mirror: Well that escalated quickly.

There were children everywhere. These children were also the sloppiest eaters I have EVER seen. One child I remember ran up to me. He had icing all over his face, and chocolate and other sugary foods covering his hands, and he grabbed my leg. He was twitching so fast and was so jittery that I literally lost balance and fell down.

Dorkpool: (Boyfriend): And that’s why all those kids are dead now.

Most children were like that too, literally only two weren't. But one of the said two was just a little bit spazzing and hyper, and the other was still super hyped up, he just wasn't covered in sweets. Not one child was calm. The only reason I was telling this story, is that when I got up after I lost balance and fell, I looked to the side and saw a man in a Donald suit. His mask was covered in...blood. I rubbed my eyes and looked again, and he was gone."

Both: DUN DUN DUNNN!

Recording four: "I have found a lead. Apparently someone named Jade Frescan has Intel on some sort of secret area an eighth the size of the park underneath the park. It is referred to as 'SR142'. I don't know what that stands for, but it COULD be 'Secret Room 142' but you can never be sure.

Mirror: (Boyfriend): I mean, it could be "Science Rage 142" or "Super Rain 142", or…

I'm going to interview Jade tomorrow, and see what I can find..."

Recording five: "I interviewed Jade Frescan today, and she said that you can access this area by going up to the giant Donald Duck portrait in the main hall, and press his left eye twice, his left foot once, his right foot once, his left eye three times, and his right eye 1.

Dorkpool: That cheat code makes you invincible.

Then, the portrait rolls away like a hidden bookshelf with a secret area behind it. There, there is an elevator that leads to this secret area. I'm going to investigate this area tomorrow."

Recording six: "I went down in the area today. There, I saw some creepy stuff. There was a Mickey Mouse plush with its two eyeballs ripped out that sat on top of a box. Apparently, this belonged to Jade, but it was stolen while she was on shift at Duck Pond. Anyways, after a while of searching I found something I will...never un-see.

Mirror: (Boyfriend): "Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life."

Remember the hyperactive kid who made me trip back in recording three? Well I found him...dead...he was still like he was that night...his mouth was still covered with the frosting...and his hands were still covered with chocolate. However there was one difference, with the frosting and chocolate was a mix of...blood...it was sick.

Dorkpool: Remember, kids: don’t go nuts when eating chocolate, or you’ll die.

I will continue researching tomorrow...because with what I saw today...I really don't want to."

Recording seven: "I went back to the area today. I was on the search for anymore things like I saw yesterday. I didn't find much of what I was looking for...well I did find some interesting stuff but I can't put it...into words.

Mirror: (Boyfriend): I can put it…into GIFs.

Anyways, after a while, I smelled the stench of dead bodies. I followed the smell reluctantly, and found more dead children. These ones were the two I mentioned in recording three as the only two non-out of control kids at the party. Both were hung by a noose.

Dorkpool: So they were just hanging around?

Mirror: -smacks Dorkpool-

I left again, will go back tomorrow"

Recording eight: "I know who the killer is! His name is- (banging is heard) go away!

Mirror: Alright, put an APB out for (Banging is heard) Go away!

(More banging is heard) leave me be! (More banging is heard) He's after me! If anyone gets this, go down to SR142! (Door is heard broken down) oh no (stabbing is heard and the recording ends)

This startled me, and I located and talked to Jade Frescan. She told me all about where I needed to go, and about some safe down there with the combination of 1293. It apparently, in her words, would help end the investigation on this creepy Duck Pond.

Dorkpool: He’s dead.

After this, I immediately packed a back pack and snuck down to Duck Pond. I did the secret combination on the Donald Duck Portrait and went down to SR142. There, it was creepy. Old abandoned toys, mascot outfits, and storage boxes remained. The place had an unbearable odor, and I nearly puked.

There was random junk laying all around the place. I tripped on a metal pole.

Mirror: He had found Disney’s secret strip club.

When I got up, I saw a Donald Duck head staring at me. It didn't move, and it was just the remains of a costume without a body. Not going back, I continued my search.

The smell suddenly got about ten times worse, and I followed the sent to a little closed off room. I opened it, and saw something...horrible.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): "The Build-A-Bear Workshop Massacer!"

Dead bodies...tons of dead bodies...all lying down dead. I did a count, and there were 10. But the most spooky part was 4 children hung by ropes above the rest of them...were these the 4 main children killed by the Donald Duck Killer?

Mirror: Nah, they were Casey Anthony’s other kids.

After a small while, I found the safe Jade had told me of. I entered the combination, and it opened. I found a newspaper saying how some park named "Jack Sparrow's Super Sea" was closed down by the police for alleged 'suspicious activity', 'possible drugging guests', 'unsafe equipment', and 'The Jack Sparrow animatronic of the park being tampered with and causing many many problems'.

Dorkpool: Holy crap, this is "Five Nights At Freddy’s."

Then I found a file that said that all the Jack Sparrow's Super Sea's things would be turned into Donald Duck type media. This is gross negligence on Disney's part, as they know the things that were in Jack Sparrow's Super Sea were dangerous, but continued to reuse it, endangering the guests.

I left, and went to tell Jade what happened, but I found her dead in her room with a broken spine. I called the police, but by the time they arrived, she was already dead. After an investigation, it was ruled out that she died in an accident.

Mirror: Yep, she accidentally broke her spine. I did that on Thursday, actually. I hate when that happens. So inconvenient.

One thing I noticed was that in the picture of her dead, there was the eyeless Mickey Plush heard about in the audio recordings.

I went to interview Harold Fquo, who only was willing to tell me one thing about why he murdered those kids: "Disney made me do it".

Dorkpool: (Harold): Well, Disney and the flying penguins from Venus.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks.

Mirror: Where the previous one takes things from lost episode stories, this one takes things from "Five Nights At Freddy’s." Seriously. There are dead children, malfunctioning animatronics, exposition via recordings, and a place closed down due to, in part, malfunctioning equipment. Like I said, FNAF. As for the parts that weren’t taken from a video game (by the way, the whole thing with the Donald Duck portrait feels like it’s from a video game. Just saying), they really aren’t all that good. It’s not terrible, but it’s nothing really good. And the ending, when you think about it, is kind of confusing. Let’s say that this Harold guy is telling the truth. Why would Disney want to have a guy kill their target demographic? Disney is a corporation, and corporations want to make money. Having a guy kill off people who end up giving them money is stupid. Also, if word got out about their deaths, this might scare parents, and Disney loses money. If he were lying, fine, that makes some sense. He’s probably nuts. I can get that. However, I feel like the writer meant that Disney made the guy do it. Which is stupid, and, as a scare, doesn’t work. Hell, when it comes to scares, Photonegative Mickey was scarier, and he’s just a Photoshop filter. I should also mention that, like its predecessor, this story ignores reality, since Duck Pond, as the author talks about it, doesn’t exist. I wouldn’t be harping on this except that the story this is a spin-off of, "Abandoned By Disney," actually had a park that existed. There’s not a whole lot of characterization on display, which is pretty standard for most stories here. There are also some typos in the story, like the writer saying "bellow" instead of "below". Rather than point our attention down, I think that there’s yelling going on.

Dorkpool: There are some good things. For the most part, the spelling and grammar is decent (outside of the minor typos, and even those don’t impede understanding of the story). The story isn’t very long, so it’s not a drag to read. Other than that, there’s not much that’s good. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish that we would be killed by a guy named Harold? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tick…

Tock…

Tick…

Tock…

Despite her impeded vision, she saw him. The man in armor.

Tick…

Tock…

She had been making her nightly rounds. She always started at nine o’clock, p.m., sharp, and ended her rounds at five o’clock, a.m. She always did this, at the same time, every day, like clockwork.

Tick…

She had noticed someone…different. A man – probably a man, based on his build – in black armor with a bone-white head. He had attracted her curiousity, and she went to investigate this man.

Tock…

Exactly five point two seconds after approaching him (silently and from behind, no less!), she had ended up embedded in a brick wall.

Tick…

Her left eye – her clock eye – was cracked (making her come to regret putting the damn thing in her head), and the vision in her right eye wasn’t anything to write home about. Her world was spinning. At least she was able to get a better look at the man’s head. It looked like a skull, oddly enough. Well, based on what she could see through her working eye. As it was, it looked like there were three of him.

Tock…

She managed to get her knife, and say, "Your time is up," in a rather weak voice. The man just laughed. It wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t long, but it was definitely a laugh.

"No, my dear," he said, then punched her in the face.

Tick…

"Your time is up."

Tock…

 

 

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Creepypasta Riffs: Ellie - The Survivor

5/17/2015

0 Comments

 
Dorkpool: You know, last time I kind of crapped on the whole PoTM thing due to a story called "The Plush Cat." Yeah, that story was only nominated due to the power of the writer making multiple accounts and upvoting himself. So sorry about any insults I might have made towards the whole PoTM thing.

Mirror: A guy did that?

Dorkpool: Yep. A fellow called "TheDarkMaster99." He was banned from the Wiki for a month. He also once said that "Dead Bionicles" sucks. I agree, but at least that writer knew his story sucks balls, and didn’t upvote his less-than-adequate story using multiple accounts. Can’t say the same for TheDarkMaster99.

Mirror: You’re really annoyed by this, aren’t you?

Dorkpool: Yes, yes I am. So instead of crapping all over TheDarkMaster99 (which I kind of want to do), let’s instead make jokes about a story from the Jeff the Killer Wiki: "Ellie – The Survivor."

Mirror: Alright, let’s. It’s right up our alley, and-

Dorkpool: "The Plush Cat" totally belongs there. Wait, no, it belongs on the Creepypasta Land Wiki. And the author deserves to have hot coals shoved –

Mirror: OK, let’s just make Star Trek jokes and Riff this bitch.

Dorkpool: Hey, that’s my line.

Mirror: I needed to stop you from saying things you might regret.

Dorkpool: Whatever. Let’s just Riff this bitch.

START RIFF

June 15, 2009~~ Today, the day of my birth.

Dorkpool: Because saying birthday is too mainstream.

Also a day filled with horror and hidden memories. But I am getting ahead of myself. I know this is only a journal but I might as well introduce myself. I'm Ellie. Just a normal teenage girl... Mostly. If you consider having a carved face normal, then yes. I am normal.

Mirror: So you’re normal for a Jeff wannabe.

Just two years ago today, on my 13th birthday (what a lucky number, isn't it?), I was almost killed in my sleep. "I'm a teenager now, everything will be different." I know many kids going into their teens think but, but my life is sure as hell different. That night, I was woken up my a loud thump on my bed. I looked up and there was a white-hooded... Thing... Sitting there staring at me.

Dorkpool: (singing): I always feel like, somebody’s watching me!

I do not remember screaming, but I do remember one thing.

Mirror: (Narrator): Bananas are a great source of potassium.

What it did to me. It carved a smile from the edge of my mouth to my lower cheek bone of both sides, and he scoped out my eye with his knife. My father must have over heard the commotion and ran on with a handgun, and shot it in the shoulder. Surprisingly, it ran.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): It’s so weird. I expected him to grow wings and fly away.

I thought it would fight back, but I guess not. I was rushed to the hospital, which to my own 'luck' was a long ride away. My face never healed, and my missing eye is still a bloody mess.

Mirror: At least there’s no clock in it.

Stitches hold my mouth together, and a white gauze pad covers my eye. I guess I have to go now, my parents like having a little get together for me. Beats me why, since they know this day is Hell on Earth for me. -----

June 16, 2009~~ In school today, my only friend Kirk

Dorkpool: (Narrator): And his friends, Spock and McCoy.

(who was nicknamed Mortis for his obsession with death) told me something very interesting. He told me about this story he read online called Jeff the Killer. I have heard of it before, although I never read it even though I ironically like horror. I thought Jeff was all hype and just regular internet bullshit full of fangirls calling him "Jeffy-kun" or some other crap like that.

Mirror: That’s because he is.

I guess I should read it, see what all the love is about for him, considering even Mortis liked it even though he despises and fears horror and stuff like Jeff with a passion. Where are my manners, I haven't even talked about Mortis yet. In short, he is possibly the best person ever. Everyone but him avoids me, insult me, or even gags at my sight. Not him though... He has never said a single mean thing to me, or looked at me with disgust.

Dorkpool: He’s a Kirk. He’s trying to get into your pants.

It's no act, I can tell when someone lies. God why am I blushing as I write this?! I don't think I like him... Whatever, maybe it's just happiness that someone accepts me. Goodbye once more journal, we'll see of this Jeff the Killer is any good by the night.

June 16, 2009; later that night~~ What. The. Fuck.

Mirror: A typical reaction to reading "Jeff the Killer."

His face, it is so familiar. I've seen Jeff before, not on the internet, but in person. I survived Jeff. How in the name of Hell is he even real?

Dorkpool: Well, it involves something called the Project…

His never blinking eyes, the large sadistic grin, white leathery skin, black hair, and white hoodie. I've seen it all. Face to face with that murderer. How did I even survive? Did he not think I was worth it? No... No. He can only think of killing, then what caused him to run? Couldn't of been the gun, that only would have made him snap even further and kill me and my father.

Mirror: And what a terrible loss that would be.

Now I won't even try sleeping knowing he is still out there, possibly plotting my own death as I write this. If I call the police, that would only make my death sooner.

Dorkpool: Once again, a Creepypasta story misrepresents the police. When will the madness end?

Damnit, why did I listen to Mortis and read it!

Although... Maybe I shouldn't be afraid. I survived. Maybe I can train, learn to fight, or take a life on my own... Yes. Yes. That should assure my safety.

June 18, 2009~~ I did it. I killed them.

Mirror: (Narrator): I killed Adam Sandler’s fanbase. Truly, I have done the world a good.

Not Jeff but... It felt... Good. I murdered three well known school bitches in the bathroom today. The first, I stabbed repeatedly in her stomach with a kitchen knife, and tore out her large intestine. Her two friends walked in while I was laughing at her pain. The second they saw, time froze and I could polytheism hunk of one thing.

Dorkpool: Did the writer have a stroke or something?

Kill, and no witnesses. So, I charged at them as fast as I could, and slit the blonde's throat in a single swing and stabbed the other in her heart. I stood in the middle of the bathroom, gazing upon their bodies and the blood they lied in. I felt good. And I still do. Blood only got on my hands and some of my face, which I can easily pass off as my own due to my eye.

Mirror: Because heaven forbid a Creepypasta character not have something odd about their eyes.

I washed the knife off in the sink, and left school with in problems. No one stopping me. Now the school is closed, and... Wait a sec, someone is calling me----

It was Mor- I mean Kirk...

.He didn't ask about what happened today but instead... He asked me out on a date for this Saturday.

Dorkpool: Yep, definitely a Kirk.

There is a mirror in front of me as I write this and I am as red a tomato. Is this... Is this what happiness is? Whatever, he actually asked me out oh my God! This is the best day of my life, first the three murders now this. Not much of a fan of love, I always thought it was bullshit til now. I guess now I'll go before I start gushing my emotions on this.

Mirror: What is this anyway?

Good bye and good night.

June 19, 2009~~ School is out until next Thursday, a whole week away. Mortis texted me again, asking if we could reschedule for tomorrow, which I am perfectly fine with. All we were really going to do was just stay at his place anyways, so not much of a difference.

Dorkpool: Let’s see. There’s a guy named Kirk, a girl, and they’re both staying at a house.

Mirror: Your point?

Dorkpool: Maybe David isn’t Kirk’s only kid.

Whenever I see his texts or hear is voice I become happy. I guess love isn't that bad... But anyways, on the news they said that "we plan on making the investigation as short but also as efficient as possible." I doubt they will find out it is me who did it... Even in my rage I knew better than to leave any evidence.

Mirror: (Narrator): The words "I DID IT" smeared in blood on the walls shouldn’t give me away at all.

My parents have no idea, and both they and Mortis hope I don't get hurt. I doubt anyone else would give a flying fuck if I got hurt any more, pain is a normal thing for me.

June 20, 2009~~ Today was Mortis's and my date. It was fairly normal from what I expected, we talked and talked and talked, watched a movie, and listened to music. We both like grunge, metal, and some Japanese pop. He is much more into metal than I am, liking bands like Slayer and Trivium. Towards the end of our date I felt an urge...

Dorkpool: (Narrator): The urge to dance!

The same that Jeff felt. The urge to kill. I kept eyeing the knives in the kitchen while Kirk wasn't looking. I still feel the urge now, I want there to be a dance of blood. I'll have to murder somewhere not too far from the school, but also away from my house which could be a problem considering I might be one of the suspects, being

the shy loner freak of the school.

Wish me luck.

Both: No.



June 21, 2009~~ The rush of killing is one of the best feelings in the world. He didn't utter a single sound. No squeak or squeal or scream. Y'know, it's not as satisfying if they don't freak out vocally. Oh well, I am sure it will only get better the more I kill I wonder if this will become a daily thing... I wouldn't mind if it did.

Dorkpool: I said the same thing about the Riffs.

Should be fun. No one suspects a thing. I mean come on, who would suspect a sweet, innocent girl to be murderer.

Mirror: The police, since you’re the "shy loner freak of the school."



June 22, 2009~~ Another day, another date, another murder. This time the hunt screamed. I shut him up quick. I was right, it is much better when they scream! Way more satisfying. Mortis is becoming concerned about me, but he needs not worry. I don't know how I could reassure him without making it seem like I am killing them... This is much more complicated that I expected, but much more.

Dorkpool: This sentence had a much dumber ending than I expected, but much dumber.

Exhilarating. I feel like I can take on Jeff and whatever he throws at me now. I am the perfect killer!

June 28, 2009~~ I apologize for my absence diary, but in have been having fun increasing the body count of numerous people.

Mirror: So you increased the body count others had?

Each kill is more fun than the last, increasing my joy one by one. By now I am back in school, so I can't murder any more students here in the school, but outside of the school is a different story. Their screams and squeals before they die is like music to my ears, the symphony of death. Oh, I almost forgot. Kirk is dead.

Dorkpool: Great, you spoiled "Star Trek: Generations."

Mirror: And "Star Trek Into Darkness." Sort of, since he was brought back by mutant tribble blood.

Dorkpool: The less we talk of that, the better.

He was becoming suspicious of me. Me.

Mirror: (Narrator): I mean, seriously? How could he become suspicious of me?

I feel no remorse for his death, for I cannot be found out. For a time he was a good alibi, but he served no more use to me once he became suspicious.

June 28; Later that night~~ I hear him. I can hear him coming. Jeff, he is finally making his move. I found on my window written in blood GO TO SLEEP. I won't sleep until one of us is dead, you bastard. Today is our final meeting, you sick fuck. I will kill you, and you will suffer you son of a bitch. If I don't come back, BURN THIS JOURNAL.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Yes, journal, BURN YOURSELF.

--------------

Hey, Jeff here!

Mirror: (Jeff): I’m writing in this journal because…um…anyway….

Just so you know, Ellie stood no chance against me. She was mildly entertaining, and seeing her face again reminded me I had an unfinished job to do. I made her death nice and slow, reopening her wounds and creating new ones.

Dorkpool: Proof that Jeff the Killer is kind of a dick.

Although I must congratulate her. Not many people can kill 12 innocents, along with their boyfriend within a week with no remorse. Now to whoever is reading this, Go To Sleep.

Mirror: Nah, I’m not tired.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks.

Mirror: Let’s discuss the plot first. The plot is both standard and different from most Jeff-wannabe stories. It basically follows the "Jeff Formula" – character has crappy life/something bad happens to character, character goes insane, becomes psycho killer and/or gets powers – but it’s different in that the main character gets killed, and her motivation for killing is paper thin even by Jeff wannabe standards. She learns about Jeff the Killer, and decides the best thing to do to defend herself is kill others? Of course. Also, she kills her boyfriend because he was getting suspicious. Wouldn’t it make more sense for her to confess what she did to Kirk, hoping he’d understand, and have him be disturbed by this, and say he’s going to call the police? That would be a good reason for her to kill him, and would be a bit more emotional. By the way, there’s not much to say about Ellie as a character. She hates Jeff, goes nuts, and likes certain types of music. Yippee skippy. Kirk fares worse, since he just seems to be Ellie’s "perfect guy." And what the hell is with the journal? I don’t mind her explaining things to it and talk like she’s talking to an audience, since some people do that, but why does she tell the journal to burn itself? And why does Jeff write in it? What was the point of that? And why do they both assume others will read it? There’s also the grammar, which is at times pretty awkward.

Dorkpool: Like with most every story, there are good things. Despite some awkward grammar at times, the spelling and grammar is decent and, if Ellie is writing this chronicle in a book, somewhat excusable. Also, Ellie does have some characterization, which is a lot more than could be said for a lot of Jeff wannabe stories. And the writer didn’t make multiple accounts to try upvoting their story, unlike some other authors I know of… Anyway, that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be killed by Ellie? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her name is Rae. She is many things – killer, cannibal, cyborg – but right now, she is unconscious.

She had met with someone she has started working with. He was supposed to bring her victims. He brought someone with him, but not who she was expecting.

She was thinking more along the lines of children, or weaker people. Instead, he brought someone who seemed pretty strong and heavily armored. And the person’s face was…

She couldn’t finish the thought before she was punched. It was a rather strong punch, which threw her about five feet backwards. She got back up, and rushed the person. He stepped out of the way, grabbed her by her robotic wrist, and crushed her robotic arm.

This was not a good sign.

Her other arm had rather long nails, and wasn’t in the grasp of this person. She slashed at his armored stomach, hoping to do some damage. Her broken nails informed her that she might have made a mistake.

She looked up at this person, and saw his face. It seemed skull-like, but something was…odd about it. Almost like it was a h-

A punch from the person knocked her unconscious.

"Thanks," the man who was supposed to help Rae said.

The armored person picked up Rae, looked at the man, and nodded. Then he grabbed the man by the throat, and squeezed. It didn’t take long for him to die.

The armored person seemed to blink out of existence, with Rae in tow.

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Creepypasta Riffs: The Plush Cat

5/16/2015

5 Comments

 
Dorkpool: The Creepypasta Wiki prides itself on having only pretty good stories. Unlike most other Creepypasta-based Wikis, they give a damn about the quality of the stories on their site. They also hold a contest for "Pasta of the Month", in which people nominate and vote on stories that are supposed to be pretty good. I’ve actually Riffed a few PoTM stories a while ago, like "A Small Piece of Lead". It’s a good story, and definitely deserved to be PoTM.

Mirror: So why are you bringing all this up?

Dorkpool: Because apparently being nominated for PoTM doesn’t mean your story is good. Like the story we’re Riffing today, "The Plush Cat."

Mirror: What’s wrong with it?

Dorkpool: Well, let’s seem logic, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

It was just a normal day.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Until the Fire Nation attacked…

I was in the Biology class and I was bored as fuck.

Of course, our teacher was very busy explaining all kinds of stuff and trying to revive our dying attention. Mr. Anderson was a very kind man.

Mirror: (Narrator): That’s why he had to die.

Since the 8th grade, he was the only teacher in that piece of shit school that I could’ve had a civilized conversation with and unlike many other teachers there, I felt like the guy loved what he was doing and actually enjoyed teaching us all kinds of worthless stuff.

Dorkpool: So he’s a math teacher?

During December, our school usually organizes a Winter themed exhibition in the Biology laboratory for all the little kids out there, which contains objects made by 5th graders like drawings and stuff like that.

We received so much stuff that year that half of the laboratory was occupied by it. I used to like activities like when I was younger, but as I grew up I wasn’t paying too much attention to Christmas anymore.

Mirror: (Narrator): The fact that I’m Jewish has something to do with it.

But right in that pile of worthless little objects, there was one tiny little thing that I noticed right away:

A small, white plush that kind of resembled a cat, having its eyes as black as the void and a pink scarf, just standing there and doing nothing. It looked cute, but what was the deal with those eyes? Couldn’t the kid who made it add some actually non-creepy looking eyes?

Dorkpool: If he or she did, then this wouldn’t be a Creepypasta story.

I ignored it and decided to go back to paying attention to our teacher who was obviously getting as bored as us. Just as I was about to collapse on the desk out of boringness, the bell rang and I was free like a bird.

Mirror: Yes, he was free like a bird, not free as a bird. There’s a difference.

"Remember guys, you have an important test on Friday."

"Sure, Mr. Anderson."

I grabbed my notebooks and put them in my backpack, ready to leave. Approaching the door, I saw a similar looking plush cat standing on a shelf, next to a bunch of papers. As I prepared to walk out of the class, I heard a bizzare murmur behind me.

Dorkpool: (Murmur): Coocoocachu, Colonel Sanders. I am Sgt. Walrus.

It sounded very strange, almost like a small kid who was struggling to utter a short intelligible sentence. I looked behind my back, and there was abosolutely nobody left in the laboratory, except for me and Mr. Anderson.

"Did you hear that?"

"What, Andy?"

"That murmur. It sounded like a child's voice."

"Not at all. It probably came from outside the school. Maybe some kids are playing there.

Mirror: (Mr. Anderson): Or maybe it’s from the voices in your head. Are they telling you to burn down the school again?

You know, look at the windows. They are all open."

I decided that Mr. Anderson was right as his explanation seemed logic,

Dorkpool: It seemed logic, but was it logic?

and I said goodbye to him and left the classroom.

I arrived at my house some thirty minutes later, gave some food to my cat (yes, I actually had a cat) and stayed in my bed all day.

Mirror: (Narrator): I plotted the downfall of my school with my cat, Mr. Snuggles.

I was a generally lazy guy and only on special occasions I would do anything besides eating, sleeping, going to school, listening to music and of course, that activity that everyone who ever went to school hates, learning worthless information from various school books.

Dorkpool: That’s the activity at school everyone hates? I figured it’d be getting psychological scars from bullies that never heal. Go figure.

That day I did nothing important. But at approximately 18:00, something strange happened. I went to the kitchen to grab some food out of my fridge when I saw this:

Dorkpool: Shia LeBouf.

[insert picture]

(Note: We don’t include pictures in the Riffs, and we won’t here. We will say that the picture is adorable.)

One of those plush cats that I saw at school hours before, standing there and doing nothing. Now wait a minute, what was that thing doing there? And more importantly, how did that thing get inside my house?

Mirror: Aliens.

I grabbed it and threw it out the window. I thought that maybe my cousin Ian who visited me some days prior was behind this weird and not funny joke, but the next day after the Biology course I decided to approach Mr. Anderson and ask him about it, only to get this response:

"What cat Andy? I just checked the exhibition and there aren’t any cats like the one you described to me."

Both: DUN DUN DUNNN!

Surprised, I responded.

"What do you mean there were no cats? I saw two of them!"

Mr. Anderson remained calm.

Dorkpool: (Mr. Anderson): Andy, did you take you take your medication today?

"Andy, I assure you that I'm not lying. Look around."

I had to check for myself, and indeed, the cats were gone.

I apologized to Mr. Anderson and left.

When I got back home, I phoned Ian out of curiosity and he said that he didn't knew of anything like the object I described to him, and that the only object he brought with him during his last visit was his phone.

In the evening I locked all the doors and closed all the windows in my house thinking that there’s no way that thing would get in my kitchen again.

Mirror: (Narrator): That cat will never has my cheezburgers!

During the night, I usually let my cat stay in the kitchen (which is downstairs) and I sleep in my room situated upstairs next to the bathroom. In the last few weeks I had some very annoying insomnia problems, but for the first time in a month, I actually went to sleep right away. At around 3:00, I woke up because of some annoying sounds.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Someone was playing "Friday."

I thought that the noises were coming from the kitchen, but they were sounding way too loud for that. I opened my eyes and looked around the room, only to see something unusual and creepy.

Mirror: (Narrator): The Tails Doll.

Dorkpool: No, he said creepy.

The same plush cat that haunted me recently was sitting there, staring at me. I jumped out of my bed heading for the desk.

As soon as I touched it, I felt a painful energy surging through my body that made my skin crawl, and a sentence echoing in my head.

Dorkpool: (Head Voice): Do you want to build a snowman?

Play with me.

I immediately dropped it on the floor and jumped back in my bed. My hand was still hurting a lot after touching that thing, and I went straight to the bathroom to cool it down with some cold water. After the pain went away, I decided to try to pick it up again using some tongs. It worked, and I took a small wooden box from a shelf, threw the cat into the box, and then grabbed a key and locked the damn thing in there.

I went outside the house and threw the box in a garbage can.

Mirror: He’s going to turn around, and that cat’s going to be behind him.

The rest of the night was fine, but I had to ask myself, what the fuck just happened? Was that thing haunted? Was it made by a child at all? Would it come back?

Dorkpool: To answer your question: A rehash of "Tails Doll", probably, doubt it, duh.

I decided to stop thinking about it, and I tried to live my life normally from that point on.

The next three days were normal, nothing unusual happened and I thought that everything was going to be alright, I was going to have an important test and I stopped thinking about the strange events that I mentioned above.

On Thursday I came back home and started to study for Mr. Anderson’s test, and I spent all day doing that.

Mirror: A teenager studying for a test? This story is completely unrealistic.

After I was done, I put the books on my desk and went to sleep.

The most strange event from that week’s circle of paranormal events was about to happen.

At some point during the night, I heard loud screams coming from downstairs.

That was it, if I saw that plush cat again, I was going to smack it around with a baseball bat and throw it in the local dumping ground afterwards.

Dorkpool: A most logic decision.

I picked up the baseball bat and descended the staircase, heading for the kitchen. I immediately turned on the light and I saw the most disturbing sight of my life:

Mirror: (Narrator): JeffxSlendy hentai!

My cat was laying in a pool of blood on the floor, with his guts cut wide open and head smashed to pieces. I ran outside the house looking for the killer, thinking that he quicky ran after his deed. However, seeing that nobody was there, I immediately tried to figure out some reasons that someone could’ve had for killing my cat.

Dorkpool: The guy from "They Hate Us And Want Us To Die" finally snapped.

Finding none, I remembered my bizzare experiences from the previous days right away.

I headed for the garbage can with a key in my hand and looked inside. The wooden box that I threw there was still intact. I took it out of the garbage can and opened it, already knowing what I was going to see:

The box was empty.

Mirror: Shyamalan twist!

In fear, I called Ian and told him the whole story. Even if he didn’t believe a word that I said, he accepted to let me sleep at his place that night.

I was a bit paranoid for about a month or so after the event, but the cat stopped its regular visits. I lived my life normally for about two years, without fear that I might see that thing ever again. I graduated from highschool, got a car,

Dorkpool: (Narrator): …accidentally got a girl pregnant…

and had serious plans to go to college. Everything seemed normal and I slowly forgot about the haunted plush and the bloody and bizzare murder of my cat.

But three nights ago something happened, and it reminded me of the terrible events that I've been struggling for months and months to forget.

Mirror: (Narrator): I saw a lolcats meme.

While I was in my bad trying to fall asleep, I heard a small child's voice trying to murmur an extremely familiar sentence. I opened my eyes in horror and looked around the room. Near the window, I saw two small black dots belonging to a small white figure.

Dorkpool: Ummm…ah?

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story isn’t all that good.

Mirror: It’s basically the "Tails Doll" story, except with less Sonic and more cats. Why it was nominated for PoTM mystifies me, since besides the cliché premise, there are also a few typos here or there, like the "seemed logic" thing Dorkpool was harping on.

Dorkpool: Hey, it was funny.

Mirror: Somewhat. Also, there are a few more typos here or there, like a misspelling of "absolutely" and "quickly", some weird grammatical errors, that sort of thing. The main character can be kind of annoying, especially in his description of his school. He hates it to such a degree that is kind of borders on the unrealistic. That kind of description seems more in line with something a Jeff wannabe character would say about his/her school. Really, the story would’ve worked without the school bashing. Hell, it would’ve been better. Now, as for the cat itself, it honestly isn’t that scary. Actually, the picture (which we didn’t include. Sorry. We don’t really include pictures in the Riffs) is actually pretty adorable. So there went the scare factor.

Dorkpool: There are good things here. Despite those minor typos, for the most part, the spelling and grammar are good. Also, the main character does have some characterization (granted, most of it is "he hates school, likes one teacher, and cares about his cat", but it’s something). The story moves at a nice pace, and isn’t very long, which does work for it. This story isn’t the worst thing ever. Hell, it’s not even the worst story from the Creepypasta Wiki. It doesn’t, however, deserve to be a PoTM nomination. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be stalked by a plush cat? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
(By the way, if want a review of the story that’s a tad more in depth, check out AGrim’s review of it here:
http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User:AGrimAuxiliatrix1/My_Critiques#.22The_Plush_Cat.22_Review_.28PotM_Nomination-_June_2015.29)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That fight had been fierce, but he had been winning. Or so he thought. Until they cheated, and took him.

He’d escaped, thankfully. Jeff had no idea what they were going to do to him, but he wasn’t sticking around to find out. Somehow, he’d woken up before they did anything, and just teleported out. Despite not being able to always control his power, it’d worked for him then, and since then he’d been on the run.

Despite taking him, they didn’t take his keepsake from the fight: the tongue of that annoying guy, that clown. While a somewhat gross trophy, having it made him happy. It showed that he was able to shut up that talkative clown.

That clown had helped reveal some things for Jeff. The truth of who he really was: a weapon, a weapon made to kill people, a weapon forced to kill brother.

Jeff was angry, and he was out for revenge. To this end, he started digging around, trying to find the remnants of this "Project" that made him who he was. He’d met an informant who promised to bring him someone from this Project. The informant told Jeff to meet him in a warehouse (abandoned, of course) at a certain time.

He is at said warehouse at said time. However, something is missing: the informant. Jeff is getting impatient, and is considering leaving, finding the informant, and killing the bastard.

This lasts until he hears a voice echo through the warehouse.

"So. You wish to meet someone from the Project?" it asks.

Jeff takes out his knife.

"Yes. And I want to kill him." Jeff responds.

From the shadows, a body is thrown. It lands in front of Jeff, who looks it over. It’s the body of the informant.

And before he can look up, he’s suddenly thrown back. He lands on his back, and his world is spinning. He sees a person walk near him, and look down on him.

This person wore black armor, and had a face like a skull. But the skull face didn’t seem…right. It almost seemed like-

A booted foot enters Jeff’s vision, and suddenly he sees no more.

Jeff never heard the person say, "Well, you found him."

5 Comments

Creepypasta Riffs: Robin's Death

5/15/2015

0 Comments

 
Dorkpool: When there’s a bad Creepypasta, you know who to call!

Mirror: Creepypasta Riffs!

Dorkpool: From their spaceship they can see it alllll!

Mirror: Creepypasta Riffs!

Dorkpool: As you can tell, we like the "Teen Titans" show. And we’re not the only ones either, since a lost episode story called "Robin’s Death" exists based on the show. [cue Jason Todd jokes]

Mirror: Didn’t you find this story on the same place you found "Pythor’s Suicide"?

Dorkpool: Please don’t remind me. Let’s just pray the word "GO!" isn’t in this story, and Riff this bitch.

START RIFF

At around 7:55 on a Saturday evening, I ran out to the kitchen, grabbed a snack, a soda, and ran back into my room.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Time for a bingewatch of "Orange Is The New Black."

"Teen Titans" was coming on. I never miss an episode.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Until "Teen Titans GO!" became a thing.

I parked myself on my bed and hoped that it was one of my favorites tonight. I was 15 years old at the time, so my mind was still developing rational thoughts.

Dorkpool: Like the writers of most of the stories we Riff.

As the clock turned 7:59, the female announcer said, "Teen Titans is coming on right now". The screen faded into black for about 6 seconds. The opening played, however something didn’t see quite right.

Mirror: (Narrator): It was in Japanese.

Colors were inverted, Raven disappeared from the opening altogether, and then the screen played a constant loop of Cyborg punching the screen 4 times, before the screen shattered into the episode’s name.

The episode was supposedly "Fear Itself",

Dorkpool: So it has Green Lantern?

however it only showed Slade staring at the viewers, his good eye was colored red. Loud static noises, and red pixels filled the screen. The toy monkey that should have appeared later in the episode yelled "HELP ME" a few times before the colors of Slade drained out and transformed back into the opening.

Mirror: Subtle.

This was wrong. This isn’t the episode; this wasn’t even the real opening. However, being the massive Teen Titans fan that I am, I still decided to watch. This time, the opening was only still shots of the Titans Tower; the water around it was blood red.

Dorkpool: I blame Trigon.

They showed Raven, Starfire, Beast Boy, and Cyborg staring out of the tower.

Slade’s laughter was played on a constant loop, and then he said "Looks like you’ll be needing a new leader, huh, Titans?". Beast Boy’s "NOOOOOOOO!" played forward, then backwards, and Raven started crying, however loud static and Slade’s laughter made it hard to hear.

Dorkpool: Slender Man, stop screwing with "Teen Titans" fans. Cartoon Network has already done that.

Before the commercial break, Cyborg said in a really distorted, "Robin…is…no…can't…die…need…him". Slade’s laughter became even louder, with a dark tone to it, before an explosion of Raven’s power turned the screen into pitch dark, and the commercial break started.

I stared in disbelief. What the hell did I just watch?

Mirror: You know, I think this is the first time a main character in a lost episode story has asked that. Kudos.

I decided to go on the Cartoon Network forums and saw over 30 topics about this episode of Teen Titans "Teen Titans screwed up",

Dorkpool: So it’s about "Teen Titans GO!"?

Mirror: You’re going to keep harping on that, aren’t you?

Dorkpool: It angers me.

"What was that!?" "Umm…OK o.o". I knew I wasn’t the only one who witnessed this, everyone who was watching the TV, saw exactly the same thing I did. I closed Internet Explorer,

Mirror: (Narrator): …and wondered why I don’t use Firefox.

and sat back down on my bed.

The show came back from commercials. This time, a new episode was being displayed, with jumbled lettering…:

"ro..B..i..N..’..s….De…A…t..H"

Dorkpool: Episode directed by Doomsayer.

The screen flashed red, then black, and then turned to static, all within 10 seconds. I couldn’t tell what was happening, but it looked like they were in city searching for the dog they thought was Beast Boy (from the episode "Every Dog Has His Day") Robin was gone from every scene. Even the dialogue between the characters had a depressing tone to it.

Mirror: Well, in all defense, Raven was doing most of the talking.

Then everyone stopped. The characters were frozen on the screen, with sad looks upon their faces. It zoomed in on all 3 of their faces, and then the screen faded to white. Almost like a flashback, it showed scenes of Robin lying on the ground, defeated.

Dorkpool: Oh, it’s Jason Todd.

Once again, Slade’s laughter was looped in the background, colors only showing red.

In a really incomprehensible voice, I heard Slade say, "It’s not nice to hit your father, Robin",

Mirror: (Robin): Well, my dad is dead, so I don’t know what you’re talking about. Is your mask on too tight or something?

followed by a loud yell from Robin, the screen blacked out, and Slade laughed in a really demonic voice. The black screen and laughter went on for the last 4 minutes of airtime, before the credits rolled, slowly, with the music going in reverse. However, the last thing I saw was "WARNING: DO NOT AIR" in red text after the last credit.

Dorkpool: Even before "Uncle Grandpa" was a thing, Cartoon Network was still airing things that shouldn’t be aired.

Words could not describe how I felt.

Mirror: (Narrator): Except for slurgle.

I looked in the mirror, but all I could think of was Slade’s laughter, and Robin’s motionless body just lying there. I went back to the CN forums and attempted to see if the producers would have anything to say, but they didn’t. In fact, they closed the forums until further notice.

Dorkpool: -hums "X-Files" theme-

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story isn’t all that good.

Mirror: It has almost every lost episode cliché: the color red, death, weird glitches, you know the drill. Also, it implies that Slade is Robin’s father which, if anyone has read the comics, is not true. And the story itself has a pretty abrupt ending.

Dorkpool: There are some good things: the narrator isn’t a complete moron, and, rather than just accept the show, tries finding out what’s going on. Also, he/she asks, "What the hell did I just watch?" That is probably one of the more logical reactions to a lost episode. And despite not having much characterization, a lot of the narrator’s actions are somewhat understandable. This is honestly one of the better lost episode stories that we’ve Riffed. It’s still not very good though. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be in a lost episode? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

 

 

 

0 Comments

Creepypasta Mini-Riffs

5/14/2015

4 Comments

 
Dorkpool: There are quite a few stories that deserve a Riff, but are too short to devote a whole Riff to. Naturally, that presents a problem. But there is a solution. Introducing…Creepypasta Mini-Riffs!

Mirror: Basically, we take a few short stories, make jokes about them consecutively, and then write a review of all of them at the end.

Dorkpool: Ready? Good. Let’s meet Amazonian Native American cannibals, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

"Ypeerc"

The Title of this pasta would be pretty unusual to pronounce....But, if you just turn the word around....it will say this certain word.....Creepy.

Dorkpool: Illuminati confirmed!

YES, creepy...a word that everyone uses for certain things, such as A person, a thing, a movie

Mirror: A leafblower.

ETC.

But, there is one man that defined creepy.

Dorkpool: Michael Jackson.

Ed Gein, The man who discombulated human beings, and used their bones and Skins to make everyday household items.

For an example, He carved out a woman's Genitals, to make A table.

Mirror: Please. You can get that at IKEA.

Another example, He Carved Out a Mans skull, to make a bowl,

Dorkpool: Bowlkay then.

"Delicious!"

One night, there was a southern family in living in a farm house.

Mirror: Stereotyping means that your story is off to a good start.

They were all seated down to dinner-- a mother, father, son, and daughter. The son was a 7-foot tall 20-something and resembled WWE Superstar KANE, but with hair.

Dorkpool: He’s adopted.

The father noticed his son didn't touch his dinner. He became pissed off...

"Cooper, eat your fucking dinner, goddamn it!" the dad said in an infuriated tone.

Mirror: (Dad): Eat the fresh roadkill your mother made!

"Nah, I'm good." the son said calmly.

Cooper lifted up his shirt and showed chunks of his own flesh cut away, revealing raw bloody muscle.

Both: Shamalyan twist!

The mother screamed in disgust while Cooper's father puked his guts up on the floor.

The next morning, the parents were found dead and the teen daughter had run away.

Dorkpool: This ending is still better than the ending of the Season 2 finale of "Agents of SHIELD."

"The Amazon Holocaust"

4 brave Americans went on a mission to go to the Amazon Jungle, where the majority of the population was Native American Cannibals.

Mirror: There is stupid, there is FOX News, and then there’s this sentence.

Their mission was observe and analyze the cannibals, by blending in with their tribes. But sadly, these 4 young American RESEARCHERS never came back.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): I have to emphasize that they’re RESEARCHERS.

Prior to this, a rescue team is sent to there to hopefully find the missing researchers and bring them back home with all the needed footage of this important mission.

But, what the rescuers found were quite disturbing.

Mirror: A cult dedicated to worshipping Honey Boo Boo.

After several days of trekking through the jungle, the group encounters the Yacumo tribe. They arrange release of their hostage in exchange for being taken to the Yacumo village. Once there, the group initially meets hostility, and learns that the film had caused great unrest among the people.

Dorkpool: I guess they’re not a big fan of "Native American Amazon Cannibal Killers." Weird.

The next day, Monroe and his rescue team head deeper into the rain-forest to locate two warring cannibal tribes, the YanoMamo and the Shamatari. They encounter a group of Shamatari warriors and follow them to a riverbank where they save a smaller group of Yanomamo from certain death. Grateful, the Yanomamo invite Monroe and his team back to their village, yet they treat the outsiders with suspicion. To gain their trust, Monroe bathes naked in a river.

Mirror: (Narrator): The Yanomamo never realized that something could be so small.

A group of Yanomamo women emerge to take him to a shrine where he discovers the remains of the missing American Filmmakers. Angry, Monroe confronts the Yanomamo, during which time he plays a tape recorder for them.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): The natives laugh as they listen to music on their mp3 players.

The intrigued Natives agree to trade it for the first team's surviving reels of film during a cannibalistic ceremony, in which Monroe has to take part it. He bites into a Human heart to please the natives.

Mirror: (Narrator): Well, that was the plan. Turns out that biting into a human heart is actually an insult to them.

Back in New York, executives of the Pan American Broadcast Company invite Monroe to host a broadcast of the documentary to be made from the recovered film. Monroe insists on seeing the raw footage first. They would proceed to do so.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): They were all disappointed.

"Girl Scout Murders"

In 1979, 3 girls were found dead at Mooselake Camp in Oklahoma. An autopsy concluded, that this was no accident.

Dorkpool: Or moon.

Instead, a classic case of Rape, and torture...

Alana Gregfield. 7. Andy Shirls, 8. And Danese SHEFFIELD 10.

Mirror: "Girls Gone Wild" has gotten really messed up.

The camp director, Amanda Washington was arrested for not taking action in this horrific incident, despite having no knowledge of what was happening.

Dorkpool: Our justice system, everyone!

"I had no idea"-Amanda Washington

Despite the evidence, Detectives still have no clue on who performed these heinous Actions, and Even more so...The bodies also contained different Types of D.N.A from other people, and yet no clue.

Mirror: One day, there’s going to be a bad Creepypasta story that doesn’t make the police out to be incompetent or bad.

In conclusion, These were one of the most sadistic events to ever occur in world history, and also the most mysterious in history as well. THE END

Dorkpool: Sleep tight!

END RIFF

Dorkpool: These stories are not very good.

Mirror: "Ypeerc" isn’t much of anything. It just says that Ed Gein is creepy, and ignores how female anatomy works. "Delicious" was confusing and made no sense. "Amazon Holocaust" is somewhat racist and incredibly stupid (There are Native American cannibals in the Amazon Jungle. What is even the hell?) "Girl Scout Murders" isn’t much of anything. None of these are scary, none of them have much characterization, and if they have a plot, it’s barely there.

Dorkpool: All of them are short, and "Delicious" has pretty good spelling and grammar. Other than that, none of them are very good. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Were the stories good? Was the Riff good? Do you want to see more of this? Do you want our heads to become bowls and eaten by cannibals? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

 

 

4 Comments

Creepypasta Riffs: Jeff the Killer and Bedlam

5/13/2015

0 Comments

 
Dorkpool: I have to give some praise to the Spinpasta Wiki.

Mirror: Why?

Dorkpool: They’ve said that no one can submit any more "Jeff-Inspired" stories.

Mirror: Well, that’s good. They clearly care about quality.

Dorkpool: They still have "Jeff-Inspired" stories there, like this one called "Jeff the Killer and Bedlam".

Mirror: Oh, fun.

Dorkpool: Is it? Well, let’s get a mallet, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

About

This story are the thoughts of Jeff the Killer as he meets Bedlam...

Dorkpool: This writing am not good.

The Pasta

The weirdest occurrence happened. I did my last kill for the night and was about to go back to my hideout (a new one, I’m on the run all the time), when the strangest thing happened to me...

Mirror: (Narrator): I was killed by sodomization.

I sprinted down the street and turned a corner towards... a playground. Here’s the thing, I never get lost, so this was a first for me. But instead of getting frustrated with my sudden loss of direction, I felt my carved mouth move into a larger smile. I saw someone on the swings on the very edge of the playground, and their built said it was a girl.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Their penis, however, said otherwise.

Her age, I wasn’t sure of. It was dark, I couldn’t see her very well, anyway. But, of course, the darkness was an advantage to me. I moved closer to the girl as she swung back and forth on the swings...

Back and forth... Back and forth... Back and forth...

Mirror: Wait, so is the weird occurrence that Jeff gets hypnotized?

I creeped closer. But as I was only a few yards away, I froze... and realized something...

She was looking at me the whole time. I stood there, I was still crouching in the darkness. She had stopped swinging, and was now frozen, like I was. I kept my eyes locked on her as she stood up. She had something behind her back, and wiggled her finger, gesturing me to go over to her...

"Who’s there?!" I turned my head to see a little boy, about nine, at the very edge of the playground. Near some houses. I heard a subtle whoosh of air and I looked back to where the girl was... and what do you know, she was gone.

Both: DUN DUN DUNNN!

The boy saw me, and I ended up giving him a few stabs.

I was a bit confused as to where the girl went, where she came from, or what she was doing there in the dark. Now that I think about it, she didn’t really look like a girl that you would find at a playground.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): She seems more like a girl you’d find at a daycare.

When she stood up, she looked very large in size. Tall, but pencil-thin...

I saw her again the next night after another kill. That tall, stick-like girl.

Mirror: So…a supermodel?

I found her and followed her, and got a closer look, but in better light. While under a streetlamp, I saw that, in fact that she wore no shoes, only stripped, black and white stockings and sleeves. She had tight, grey shorts and a red t-shirt.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): God, she looked stupid.

And her hair was blue, I don’t think it was a wig, really... Nor dyed. Authentic, real hair in a blue shade. I knew that she noticed me, but I wasn’t afraid. We kind of stared at each other for a few seconds before some noise took my gaze off of her, and she was gone with a gentle whoosh.

Mirror: (Narrator): She wants me.

Later, I realized she was following me, and I lost her eventually. She reminded me of Slenderman in some way, tall, thin, stalking, even comes and goes randomly. What have I done?

Dorkpool: Well, you cut out my tongue. Ow.

I thought. Is she going to stalk me until we kill each other? Or maybe she’s friendly? No matter, she’ll die sooner or later...

The next night was very different from yesterday when I thought she was friendly. Friendly my foot, turns out she had a croquet mallet behind her back before on the playground.

Mirror: Croquet players are notoriously unfriendly.

I went to find out if she was at the playground again, and there she was. She gestured to me with her finger again, and I moved toward her with curiosity. What an idiotic idea that was!

Next thing I knew, I ducked under a croquet mallet being swung over my head like a baseball bat! She chased after me for a few blocks before I jumped over a dumpster as an old man passed by.

Dorkpool: (Old Man): You damn kids, with your murder and croquet! Back in my day, we had World War 2 and Communist zombies!

Again, she seemed to gracefully and quickly glide away into the darkness. As for that old man? He didn’t see me, so I spared him. "That stupid girl!" I thought in fury. I’m going to find her tomorrow and end this!

Mirror: Even Jeff is tired of this story.

I met her back at the playground again the next night. I knew she was waiting for me, as was I for her. I gripped my knife and walked up to her, and I finally spoke.

"Who are you?"

Dorkpool: (Girl): They call me Mr. Tibbs.

Mirror: Actually, with the odd dress, possible insanity, and mallet, she might be Harley Quinn.

Dorkpool: Do not dirty the grandness of Harley Quinn by implying that she might be in this story, or I shall throw you out an airlock.

She stood there, leaning on her mallet. We stood in silence for a few moments. "Answer me!" I snapped slightly. The girl scoffed.

"Polite little boy, aren’t we?" Her voice was muffled, and I realized her face wasn’t really a face, but a mask. It was pale with pink cheeks, and the red paint over the white, plastic lips were shaped into a heart and into a twisted side grin. Her voice was almost...

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Satanic and horrifying.

Friendly, and perky. But reminded me of a badly tuned music box. Out of all of those features, her eyes stuck out to me the most. They were a bright yellow, with no pupils.

Mirror: Little does Jeff know that she’s going to fire laser beams from her eyes.

"Answer me." Her music box-like voice snapped me out of my trance staring into her eyes.

"What do I say?" I glared at her.

Dorkpool: (Girl): "Hail Hydra", of course.

To my surprise, she took out a random candle and matchbox from her pocket and lit it.

"What the heck are you supposed to be?" She held the candle to my face and squinted.

Mirror: (Jeff): I’m not even sure of that, to be honest.

"It isn’t Halloween yet, kid!" She chuckled, but her eyes grew wide as she looked into mine. She drew back again, licked her fingers, and took the flame out.

"Holy crap! It’s Jeff the Killer!"

Dorkpool: Oh no, it’s a fangirl! Run!

"What do you mean it’s not Halloween?" I said through clenched teeth.

Mirror: (Girl): I mean, it’s May 12.

"Well, it’s true." She said with a bit of a sassy tone. She crossed her arms. "What do you want, kid?"

"What do I want?!"

Dorkpool: (Girl): To be in a good story!

Mirror: (Jeff): When do I want it?

Dorkpool: (Girl): Now!

I tried not to shout so the whole neighborhood could hear me. "Why are you following me?!"

"You started it!" She shoved her finger into my face. I snatched up my knife and slashed at her finger. She managed to dodge it and made an impressive backflip. She suddenly took out a deck of cards from her pocket and flicked one of them at me.

Mirror: Laws of physics be damned.

I ducked, but it came back around like a boomerang and grazed my cheek. The girl caught the card as I fell in against the wall again, shocked of how quickly everything went. I touched my stinging cheek and felt the blood drip down it. I was furious!

"Wow..." I looked up at the girl again, she was leaning on the mallet the same way as before.

"What a baby! I thought you were a deadly killer, not a knock-to-the-ground-easily killed killer!"

Dorkpool: Life’s full of disappointments.

And she stuck her hand out, telling me she wanted to help me up.

"I’m Bedlam." She said.

"I can get up myself..." I mumbled angrily under my breath, doing so. "Why did you offer to help me?" Bedlam rolled her eyes.

"Can’t I be a friendly kind of girl?" She swung the croquet mallet over her shoulder and glared at me. "Or does every boy think that girls are scary and evil?"

Mirror: No, we think that they have cooties.

"Did I say that?" I hissed. She ignored my angry statement.

"We’re both killers, aren’t we?"

"Your point?"

"We don’t have to be rivals and try to kill each other at every moment we’re seen by the other!" She hung her head down and her music box voice turned sad. "I need a friend, Jeff..." I frowned.

Dorkpool: (Bedlam): I need to be shipped with someone.

"Why do you need someone like me?" I scoffed. "I work alone."

"Come on, man!" She took the chin of her mask, lifted it up... and showed her face. I gasped.

What a terrible sight! Bedlam’s face was twisted and mangled, like she had been in a huge car wreck! Her eyes were ringed with black and blue bruises, she had no nose, she had no lips, and barely any teeth.

Mirror: If she has no nose, then how does she breathe?

Dorkpool: I don’t nose.

Mirror: Ugh.

"You see," She began, putting the mask back.

"I have a mask because of the tragedy that happened to my beautiful face! An idiot of a jock girl thought it would be funny to throw the basketball right into my nose, I ended up losing that and my lips in surgery.

Dorkpool: How drunk were those surgeons?

And another time she took out both my eyes and most of my teeth..." She paused, fury and insanity was coming upon her.

"...I snapped, Jeff. I found my favorite toy..." She stroked her croquet mallet. "And bashed her head open while she was sleeping." Bedlam looked up at me.

"I’m just like you Jeff, a runaway, a fugitive... But with one exception...

Mirror: (Bedlam): I have less fangirls.

You don’t hide your face like I do... No, sir, you aren’t afraid of people seeing your... beautiful..." She lifted her hand up and stroked my face.

"...Beautiful face." She paused again.

Dorkpool: They gonna fuck.

"I just want a friend, Jeff. I want to kill with you! I want to be like you!" I stood there, shocked. Both at her face and the fact she wanted to be like me. My grin grew wider.

"...I’m sorry I tried to stab you, Bedlam." I said softly.

"I’m sorry I teased you." She said back. "Let’s go, we should go and kill together."

Mirror: Good things to do with friends: talk, play games, and murder people.

I felt so happy, I had a friend now...

I knew I was beautiful.

Dorkpool: And delusional, don’t forget delusional.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story isn’t all that good.

Mirror: It’s basically a self-insertion shipping story (Seriously, the writer of this story is called Bedlam). Sure, it isn’t shipping per se, but it’s close enough. This would be fine, except the shipping aspect doesn’t make sense. The reason she and Jeff team up is because she has a fucked up face and complimented Jeff? Of course. Also, what’s with the boy and the old guy? They add nothing to the story except a body count, and even then it’s not much. I really think it’s just padding, since this story is pretty long. Not "BEN Drowned" long, but longer than most pastas we Riff.

Dorkpool: There are good things. Despite weird character hiccups, there is some characterization. Also, the spelling and grammar is pretty good, especially for a story like this. And the writing is pretty good. It’s not the worst Creepypasta (well, Spinpasta) I’ve read. Hell, it’s not even the worst story I’ve read with Jeff the Killer. It’s still not very good though. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be hammered to death? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

 

 

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Creepypasta Riffs: Minecraft's Secret

5/12/2015

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Dorkpool was glad that the Emergency Riffing Holograms were working. They were originally made in case he or Mirror Dorkpool were incapacitated or somehow unable to Riff. However, due to the fight, they were being put to good use. And considering that he and Mirror Dorkpool haven’t talked in a couple of days, they were probably going to be in good use for a little while.

"Hey," a female voice said.

Dorkpool practically jumped up three feet in the air when he heard that. He turned around to find Indometus.

"Where did you come from?" he asked.

She gestured towards the open door. "Through the door."

"Oh."

"I’m…I’m sorry about what happened," she said. "I should’ve beamed you back up as soon as you called. I really didn’t want you to get hurt."

Dorkpool could tell she was being sincere.

"Apology accepted," he said, hugging her.

After their embrace, Indometus said, "You know that you and Mirror are going to have to patch things up at some point, right?"

"Sure. Once he apologizes to me, everything will be hunky-dory."

"You know he won’t. He’s too prideful. But you can be the bigger man here. Tell him that you’re willing to work with him, and be less self-centered, and things will work out."

Dorkpool remained unconvinced. Indometus thought for a second, and added, "If you do, I’ll…" and proceeded to whisper in Dorkpool’s ear. Dorkpool’s eyes widened with every word she said.

"You make a good case," he said once she finished. He started walking out.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To fix things with Mirror Me." He answered, and walked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From the EMR:

Dorkpool: You know, I think there’s been only one Riff of a Minecraft-based Creepypasta: "Herobrine."

Mirror: And?

Dorkpool: I’m sure there are worse ones.

Mirror: I wouldn’t be surprised.

Dorkpool: Then today’s your lucky day, because there is one.

Mirror: I said I wouldn’t be surprised, not that I’d be happy.

Dorkpool: Whatever. The story is called "Minecraft’s Secret." What is that secret? Well, let’s Riff this bitch to find out.

START RIFF

I was a big minecraft fan like anyone else.

Dorkpool: Please, you’re not a real fan. Name all their songs!

I was watching youtube videos of minecraft for a year, to decide whether or not to get minecraft for my self . My parents only's think i should play minecraft rather than watching minecraft videos. I look up " Minecraft for free "

Mirror: (Narrator): I get "a virus".

I was bored so i went to the last website that was showed. It said that the only one that was for new people to join for free was this specific site.

So I signed up on the website and the game that it took me to was minecraft.

It said it will be a two hours to download. So i went to Skype and talk to my friends about getting minecraft for free. One of my friends said that there's a weird thing about minecraft. I think it was herobrine.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): It might’ve been a creeper.

After two hours, the download was done. I started up the game, I went to single player. I saw a world that was created already. It was named " Don't play this world at all plz "

Mirror: (Game): Plz rate thx.

I clicked to load the world the icon that normally says, "loading world;" instead read " you should not play this world."

Dorkpool: Subtlety, thy name is Minecraft.

Once the world started, The color of the sky was all red. I notice that the minecraft people are trying to tell me something.

Mirror: (Minecraft People): Hail Hydra.

I made my house and up to that point everything was normal with the map. I went to a cave but it was so dark i couldn't even see. I typed in the chat bar /Gamemode 1, i give my self 64 glow stone.

Dorkpool: Glowkay then.

Mirror: Stop. Just…stop.

Once i got out of the cave, i saw a portal in my house. I went to the portal. Instead of taking me to the nether like it normally would have, it spawned me in a hallway. I said " Oh my god... i'm the first one seeing this in the world!! "

Mirror: Do you want a prize?

I walk for 20 minutes and i saw sign that said " You know the minecraft secret! " For about a hour running. I saw dead Steve's. I was like " This is a fourth wall game "

Dorkpool: The Deadpool game?

But then the dead steve's were running at me and trying to kill me.

The game crashed and gave me a virus. About 2 months i did the same thing and went to the same website and sign up and get minecraft again.

Mirror: (Narrator): I’m a moron, in case you couldn’t tell.

Once i went to single player and i saw no world named " don't play this world at all plz "

I try to tell everyone but no one believes me.

Dorkpool: Really? Go figure. You’re just so believable.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks.

Mirror: The spelling and grammar is terrible, though not to the point where it makes the story incomprehensible. It’s just enough to be annoying. The plot feels like it’s been recycled from multiple clichés, and that which is original is kind of stupid (like the line about it being a "fourth wall game"). The characters aren’t developed at all; the most that can be said about the main character is that he/she likes Minecraft. This story is also trying to be scary, but fails miserably.

Dorkpool: That being said, there are good things. Despite being cliché, this story doesn’t rip off Herobrine. Yes, they mention Herobrine, but that’s it. Also, the story itself isn’t very long, so there’s not much to suffer through. The story still sucks though. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d play a "fourth wall game"? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorkpool ended up finding Mirror Dorkpool on the bridge. He was working intently on a computer console.

"Hey," Dorkpool said.

Mirror Dorkpool looked up. "Good day," he said icily.

Dorkpool cleared his throat. "I’m…I’m sorry for being a narcissist."

"And…?" Mirror Dorkpool said.

"And I hope we can start getting to work on more Riffs and tracking down Jeff."

Mirror Dorkpool was quiet for a second. While not much in the way of an apology, he knew it was probably the best he was going to get, and that he wasn’t really happy with the way things were betwixt them. In the interest of peace, he said, "Apology accepted. And I’m sorry about what happened."

"It’s alright. And now the apologies are done. So, what’re you doing?"

"Well, I was looking for Mr. White, Scarred, and Smiley."

"Any luck?"

"Some, but not much. I’ve basically lowered his location down to Earth."

"Oh. Good work, then."

"Thanks."

They were both silent, as none of them could think of anything to say.

"Well, keep up what you’re doing. If you’ll excuse me, there’s something I have to do." Dorkpool said, walking away.

"Alright, have fun," Mirror Dorkpool said, getting back to his work.

 

 

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Creepypasta Riffs: The Slender Sphinx

5/11/2015

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The two Dorkpools are not presently on speaking terms. In the interim, enjoy the Emergency Riffing Holograms…which are basically the same as the two Dorkpools, but not pissed at each other.

Dorkpool: So. Slender Man.

Mirror: Wait, Slender Man? I thought we were Riffing a Jeff-inspired story.

Dorkpool: Yeah…no.

Mirror: Why?

Dorkpool: Because necrophile cults are financially endowed.

Mirror: …what?

Dorkpool: The point is, we’re not Riffing it. Yet. Instead, we’re Riffing a story called "The Slender Sphinx".

Mirror: Oh, fun.

Dorkpool: Yep. So, let’s murder through sodomy, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

Many Many Years ago,

Dorkpool: (Narrator): 1963

1345, The Devils Hodge, also known as "Halloween" debuted into our world. There were 7 Men, In goat Skin covered in blood, And Two Horns Decked Into the GoatHead.

Mirror: I never realized guys go so nuts after having a mid-life crisis.

They were ALL responsible for the "Festivities" to take place In this fascinating event. But, spectators would later find out, that all of the special things planned for this, was just a Grotesque, and Devious.....You know. Children, Killed by sodomization,

Dorkpool: I’m pretty sure that people can’t die through sodomy.

and Everyone else Murderedd, and impaled by these here Men.

Mirror: (Narrator): Them there men were goin’ ‘round and murderin’ folks.

But, many of the surviving spectators, would later recogniz this event as "The Nightmare On Elm Wood" and later known, as "Halloween" which Means The Devils Day Of reckoning, In German.

Dorkpool: No. No, it doesn’t.

The 7 men were never seen Again, not because of the very event that took place In Jurker, Germany.

Mirror: (Narrator): No, it was because the event took place on a Hollywood film set.

But someone, or SOMETHING took them away,

Dorkpool: Plot.

For expire talk Purposes so to speak. You may know him as The SlenderMan, A Huge And Terrifying Entity, that still exists In our world. But, The Men would know him by One named "Der Rotenghotfo" which means "The Big Demon" in German.

Mirror: Writer, you can’t speak German. Please don’t try.

It is unknown where IT has taken them, but I know only one thing, it was not a safe place. After the men were taken, The SlenderMan used a spell, To get them into a deep trance.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Soon, they experienced death by sodomization.

Which, Left them dazed, confused, and have a Urge to serve the SlenderMan, as if IT were their own flesh and blood.

In just a few short years, The Men were back to normal, but now belonged to The SlenderMans Hands.

Mirror: Tentacles, actually.

They were probably the first Proxies, Ever used by IT and they proved to be succsesful. 1360,

Dorkpool: The year Ulrich von Jungingen is born.

Mirror: Who?

Dorkpool: The point is that that fact was historically accurate.

A Terrible Sickness struck all over Europe, including Germany and this was a clear advantage, for The SlenderMan and his Proxies. The Sickly people, were too helpless to stop Them from wreaking havoc on there lives, And destroying their Villages.

Mirror: (Narrator): The people who weren’t sick ended up kicking the Proxies’ asses.

One village, in particular, had a population of about 189, and every single one of them, died at the hands of these remorseless monsters.

But, Their was soon a slight bump on the radd for them,

Mirror: What the hell’s a radd?

Dorkpool: Maybe the author is trying to say that this story is rad.

Mirror: Please never make another pun ever again.

as they came across "Düsseldorf" a Commonwealth withaa population of about 230 Thousand People!

Dorkpool: By the Preservers’ pants, that…really didn’t warrant an exclamation point.

The people in Disseldorf were Intelligent, they were aware of the threat that was wreaking havoc across Germany, so they were prepared, and Formed a Militian Army, trained with the best KNOWLEDGE of fighting, and tactics.

Mirror: (Narrator): They were killed very quickly.

Once they saw the SlenderMan And his proxies Near theif village, They Ordered the Militian army to Attack...But nothing was there. Then, Out of nowhere,

Dorkpool: Shia LeBouf!

The slenderman and his Proxies Kidnapped athe villagers, And bOom! dead. (To Be Continued).

Dorkpool: Today, on "Things That Don’t Need A Sequel"…

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks.

Mirror: The spelling and grammar is absolutely horrid, which can make it hard to understand what’s going on. There’s not much of a plot, and absolutely no characterization. Also, the writer pretends to speak German, when he can’t. As a first part of a story, this doesn’t work. It doesn’t set up anything, doesn’t make you interested, and doesn’t make you want to read more. And should I even mention "death by sodomization"?

Dorkpool: No, but it is funny, and surprisingly a good thing about the story. That line is unintentionally funny. The rest of the story is not though. It’s short, thankfully. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d die by sodomization? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

 

 

 

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Creepypasta Riffs: Circus - The Weed Substitute

5/10/2015

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On the sickbay of the Cheese Doodle, Dorkpool woke up.

The other two occupants of the sickbay, Indometus and Mirror Dorkpool, took note of this.

"You’re up." Mirror Dorkpool said simply.

"Yeah, I noticed. Where’s Jeff?"

"The brig."

"Is he still there?"

"Far as we know. As soon as we beamed him in there, we flooded the brig with anesthesia gas. He should still be unconscious right now."

"Are you ok?" Indometus asked.

"Yeah. My tongue’s back, so that’s a plus. Hey, what took you guys so long to beam me up anyway?"

Before Indometus could answer, Mirror Dorkpool interrupted, and said, "Let’s do a Riff first, and then we can discuss what happened, alright?"

Dorkpool shrugged. "Works for me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorkpool: You know what we don’t discuss on here?

Mirror: Do tell.

Dorkpool: Drugs!

Mirror: A lot of Creepypasta stories don’t have drugs.

Dorkpool: Well, the writers might have had some.

Mirror: True.

Dorkpool: Anyway, like I said, we don’t talk about drugs very much here. However, today we’re going to have to since the story we’re Riffing – "Circus – The Weed Substitute" – involves drugs.

Mirror: Oh, fun.

Dorkpool: Yep! So let’s 420 blaze it and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

Okay well, although you may not believe me, this actually happened.

Dorkpool: And all believability just flew out the window.

It happened at the beginning of this year and I don't think I'll ever be the same again. You see it all started when I went to buy some drugs.

Mirror: (Narrator): I was arrested by the cops, sent to jail, and now I can’t ever sit comfortably again.

A few weeks prior, I had begun smoking weed. I enjoy smoking weed and still do as it doesn't affect me in any way except for making me feel relaxed. Although this may be a controversial topic to some of you on here, please push past it as the stuff I bought was not. NOT. Weed.

Mirror: So…was it weed?

Basically the story starts with my friend and I agreeing to have a little bit of a sesh when I came over that afternoon, as I was staying over.

However I hadn't had Mary Jane for sometime

Dorkpool: Neither has Spider-Man. Heyooooo!

as I don't smoke that often, so I decided to buy some 'Northern Lights'. "Northern Lights" are a fake weed substitute I had used in the past and which are legal in the country I live,

Mirror: (Narrator): Ecuador.

although I think the law might have changed since then since a kid took an LSD substitute and decided to jump off his roof.

When I got to the tobacco shop, I asked the woman at the counter, a young twenty something Asian woman who seemed shy yet nice, to give me some Northern Lights (I think if you Google it you can find this drug). However she told me that they had sold out. I was like, well shit, what am I going to bring to my friend?

Dorkpool: China Cat?

I can't let him down because I promised to smoke him out. That's when she told me they had this other drug, Circus. I was immediately like, thank god! I immediately agreed to buy it.

Looking back I was in such a rush to get away (because although I was 18 at the time I'm not used to breaking the law and it felt illegal) I didn't notice how much she wanted to get rid of it.

Mirror: (Narrator): The fact that she agreed to give me her first-born child if I took the drug didn’t really register on my radar.

It seemed rather odd, just her facial expression, but it's hard to remember as it was so long ago and I took very little notice of it. She gave me a black piece of cardboard folded over a packet of this really normal looking weed. However on the front of it was a skull and the words 'CIRCUS' written in really big letters.

Dorkpool: Classy.

It looked like a tattoo skull that you think about when you see a biker gang. Even though the skull looked cool, I really didn't think it was anything special. How wrong I fucking was...

I then caught the bus to my friend's place. When I got there I whipped out the Circus from my pocket and announced to my friend our plans for the evening.

Mirror: (Narrator): Alright, guys, we’re gonna go build a snowman!

Dorkpool: (Friends): Ya - wait, what?

Mirror: (Narrator): Out of cocaine!

Dorkpool: (Friends): Wooooo!

We were stoked. We went to his backyard and I packed a bowl of this stuff. I hadn't smoked in a month so I thought the best thing to do was pack a really big cone and Christmas tree-it.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): As you can tell, I’m not very bright.

I lit it up and start ripping that sucker. I thought I got most of the way when I felt the effects taking hold on me. I immediately freaked out, but then realized this wasn't weed. I had no idea what its effects would be. I immediately pulled away, leaving half the ginormous cone still there, and exhale.

It was wonderful. For about 20 seconds. Everything started getting really hazy like I was peaking at a [9]. But it was wrong, I felt this jabbing pain up and down my entire body just a NgNgNgNgNgNgNg

Mirror: In case you’re wondering, yes, that’s the technical term.

everywhere as if it were bouncing side to side. I was collapsing all over myself and for some reason I remembered laughing. My friend tossed the water out of the billy and took me inside. He sat me down and smiled at me, I think it was because of my manic expression. Although I was in agonizing pain, I couldn't help but laugh in a crazed manner. That's when I realized there was something wrong with his face.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): It looked like Steven Tyler’s.



Actually, no, I didn't realize it. There was someone speaking to me who told me to look at his face. So I did. That's when I saw that his face was actually just a blank rectangle of flesh - like those wooden oval headed figurines, and his features were just added on, like some kind of sick Mr Potato Head. I felt sick. I told him some lame excuse and headed to the bathroom. That was when it started to get intense.

Mirror: [HIGH INTENSIFIES]

Dorkpool: Don’t you mean, "intensihighs"?

Mirror: No, no I don’t.

Looking back at me was this block of meat with features. I don't remember doing it but I remember seeing myself fully in the mirror so I must've taken my clothes off at some point. I started freaking out. It was like someone had cut a huge marble like block of flesh and gradually whittled down to the basis of a human body. Except they had forgotten the face and simply mushed in a nose and eyes. It was copying everything I was doing until I heard the voice again say something.

Dorkpool: (Voice): You must go to the Dagobah system…

I couldn't make it out but I touched my face to see if it got some reaction from the thing I was looking at. It didn't raise its hand. Instead it reached into its chest, right where its heart should be and I heard the squelch of flesh as it reached in and pulled out the bag of circus. It then shook it in front of my face and laughed. It tilted back its head. And laughed.

Mirror: So…did it laugh?

The features however didn't move from its body it was just sliding up and down as this thing contorted its body in mirth.

That was when its mouth opened and spoke, in time with the pinging pain in my body.

"Na Na Na just quit." It repeated it over and over.

"Ne na na just quit."

Dorkpool: No, it’s "Na na na na na na na na na Batman!"

Its voice wasn't anything. It was just as if the pain in my body was forming words. What happened then I just cant explain.

Mirror: And cue explanation.

I kind of reached into the mirror and took the Circus from the thing. I remember touching its hand briefly. It was like jelly but covered in razors. It stung me but was a fluid-like substance while it did it.

That was when I realized what it wanted me to do. I was just a robot in a sick game show. This bathroom was one cubicle of many in which I was an unwitting competitor. The aim: to kill oneself.

Dorkpool: I bet Steve Harvey hosts this show.

I remember feeling myself kind of leave my body, I was in so much panic because it felt like it had all happened before, like it was everything going on, that was what humans were - people who were supposed to die as soon as they found out, and those people who died first won.

Mirror: What exactly did they win?

Dorkpool: A new car! –"Price is Right" theme plays-

My body then left my control completely and proceeded to smash up the sink. I was destined to drown. I turned the tap on but realized it would never fit my head.

I went to the toilet but some part of me defiantly said:

"No way in hell am I drowning in a toilet."

Dorkpool: (Narrator): I shall drown in a kiddie pool, thank you very much.

That was when I got some control of my body back. Suddenly I was running across the room with my head straight towards the marble wall. I hit it and pain shot through me. Except what I realized was that this pain was...

Mirror: (Narrator): …painful.

tangible I could feel it. I controlled it. It wasn't what was happening in my brain.

I made a break for the door but my body, completely against my will, forced me into the tub, throwing all the towels off the rack and shampoos into it, to increase its volume. My body was so bent on dying it was using logic.

Dorkpool: Because Vulcans are suicidal, apparently.

I waited in the water until it was deep enough then I plunged my head under. For an age I tried to drown myself but every time I would get close I pulled away. The imaginary crowd cheering at my failure.

Mirror: The readers laughing at your writing.

I sat in the water, drinking it and gagging on and off until I realized I had control of my body again. I got out and looked around. The bathroom was trashed. Toilet bowl was smashed and there was water all over the floor. My body was covered in water, blood and puke. But when I looked in the mirror, it was my face.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): By god, was it ugly.

The Circus skull, however, was engraved into it. It took up the entire mirror. It was frightening in its detail. I could was never good at art so I am skeptical it was me.

Mirror: You also could never was good at writing.

Me consciously anyway.

His parents called my parents and my mum took me home. I made up some bullshit excuse about passing out from the steam in the bathroom, because I had had the water on full hot the entire time (My body was completely red and there was blistering on my legs and chest.

Sometimes I wake up after seeing the block of meat in my dream. I find I am breathing really fast and can feel the pain in my body. There is always a piece of paper on my chest with the image of the Circus skull on it. I burn it every time.

Dorkpool: Don’t you mean you blaze it every time?

Mirror: Dude, stop with the puns.

This has happened a few times, but has been escalating recently. With Halloween approaching I am a little bit apprehensive but am pretty confident nothing serious is going to happen.

If you have read this far I thank you.

Mirror: (Narrator): The fact that you haven’t decided I’m a moron and stopped reading means a lot to me.

It means a lot to be able to get this in the open. I have tried many hours of searching for the circus skull or the product without success. If you can find it please tell me as I don't want to think I made it up.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): I just want to think I hallucinated it.

I have never gone back to the store I bought it from, I don't intend to and I don't want to.

I still think the world is a game.

Mirror: No, the world is a vampire.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story is…odd.

Mirror: It has quite a few cliches – like the "this is totally real", someone trying to give away the episode/drug/whathaveyou, the writer being unable to find the episode/whateverthehell again, etc. The story feels less like its scary, and more like a weird drug high. Which might be the point, I guess. Also, the character isn’t really developed outside of being a druggie, and the writer relies more on telling than showing.

Dorkpool: Despite all that, I don’t want to say that it sucks. Is it good? Not really. But it’s not horrible either. The spelling and grammar is pretty good, and the plot, while random and kind of nonsensical, does help create an atmosphere of strangeness. Honestly, if this story was trying to feel like some weird drug high, then the writer did a pretty good job. But if the writer was trying to make a scary story, then he failed miserably. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d get on this game show? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, tell me, what took you guys so long to beam me up?" Dorkpool asked.

The three of them were on the bridge, discussing what happened earlier.

"Well, you know how you’ve been kind of a narcissist lately?" Mirror Dorkpool asked.

"No."

"Well, you have. Anyway, we decided that you needed to be brought down a peg. We knew you wouldn’t be killed, but that maybe your ego might-"

"Wait, hold on. You were both in on this?"

Mirror Dorkpool and Indometus nodded, though Indometus couldn’t look Dorkpool in eyes. She decided to look elsewhere instead.

"And you felt the best way for me to be brought down a peg was to get my ass handed to me by Jeff the Killer and get my tongue cut out?"

"Well, we knew that you can’t die, and-"

"And that still hurt like hell!"

"And having to deal with your Shatner-sized ego is annoying as hell."

"Even if I were being egotistical, that still doesn’t excuse the fact that you didn’t beam us both back up when I asked! That was the plan, damn it!"

Indometus noticed something on one of the consoles. Something that wasn’t very good.

"Um, guys?" she said.

The two Dorkpools ignored her, and instead continued fighting with each other.

"Did the plan include you being more tolerable?" Mirror Dorkpool asked.

"No, it included me still having my tongue in my head!" Dorkpool responded.

"Please, you knew it would grow back. Honestly, it was nice having you be quiet for a minute. It was pretty peaceful."

"Will getting shot out a torpedo tube make things peaceful too?"

"Hey, guys." Indometus said again. Once again, she was ignored.

"I don’t know, why don’t you go shoot yourself out of one?" Mirror Dorkpool asked.

"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP!" Indometus yelled.

The two Dorkpools immediately shut up, and looked at Indometus.

"Jeff escaped," she said.

They were all quiet for a minute, until Dorkpool said, "Great. Just great. Any other bad news?"

Indometus searched for a minute, then said, "There’s a new story on the Creepypasta Land Wiki. And it’s a Jeff-inspired story."

"Well fuck me with a cactus," Dorkpool said.

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Creepypasta Riffs: Madnesscrazy vs. Jeff

5/9/2015

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"So, everyone clear on the plan?" Dorkpool asked. The three members of the Cheese Doodle – him, Mirror Dorkpool, and Indometus – were once again on the bridge of the ship. They’d arrived at Earth, and were in orbit of the planet.

They were now discussing their plan of attack to get Jeff the Killer.

"Yeah. You beam down, try and talk Jeff into coming with you. If he doesn’t, you fight him, and we beam you both back here. If you ask for help, we beam you up," Mirror Dorkpool answered.

"Exactly. Though I shouldn’t really ask for help, since I can probably take ol’ Jeffy. I mean, I’m just that awesome, amirite?" Dorkpool said.

The narcissism and cockiness grated a bit on Mirror Dorkpool, though it was actually Indometus who spoke up.

"You know, you shouldn’t be so cocky all the time. Life has a way of biting you in the ass," she said.

"Please, I totally can. I’m the goddamn Dorkpool. I beat Zorax, have a moderately successful blog, and have a starship. I think a little cockiness can be excused." He responded.

"She’s right," Mirror Dorkpool said. "You’ve been being way too cocky and self-centered recently, and it’s been getting annoying."

"Has it now?" Dorkpool asked.

"Yes, it has. That victory went straight to your head, and inflated to such an extent that Shatner would look at you and say, ‘He’s…very self-…centered.’"

"Hey, I stopped a universal threat. What have you done, vest-boy?"

"I conquered a universe, and created a rather content and peaceful society!"

"Yippee skippy. How’s that society doing without its ruler?"

"Pretty well, actually."

"How would it do if its ruler were shot out the torpedo tube?"

"Both of you, stop!" Indometus yelled.

"Why?" Dorkpool asked.

"Because we should be focusing on capturing Jeff, not fighting each other," she answered.

"Really? Because it seems like you two are pretty focused on fighting me," Dorkpool said.

"Dude, she’s trying to calm you down," Mirror Dorkpool said.

"And I don’t need to be calmed down. If I were a giant green rage monster, then maybe, but not now,"

"Oh? Then what are you now?"

"I AM A MAN!"

Everyone stood silent for a minute.

"Sorry, I had to," Dorkpool said.

"Listen, how about we just do a Riff." Mirror Dorkpool said.

Dorkpool thought for a second. "Fine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorkpool: You know, we haven’t really Riffed any type of self-insertion stories here.

Mirror: Well, there shouldn’t be many that exist. I mean, putting yourself in a story? That’s pathetic. Am I right?

Dorkpool: Erm…anyway, the story we’re Riffing is called "Madnesscrazy vs. Jeff", written by a guy called Madnesscrazy. And yes, he’s fighting the Jeff you’re thinking of.

Mirror: Wow, having yourself fight Jeff in a story? That’s just sad. I mean, who does that?

Dorkpool: -whistles inconspicuously-

Mirror: What?

Dorkpool: Oh, nothing. Let’s just speak in Latin and Riff this bitch.

START RIFF

It was just an average day at school for Cooper; he would sit in class bored off his mind, pondering about certain things he read off the Internet.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Like pornographic MLP fan fiction.

Among them, was a homicidal manic known as Jeff the Killer, known for his random violence and murder of many towns folk, spreading fear into the people and for his catchphrase: GO TO SLEEP.

Mirror: You forgot his godawful story.

Cooper got deeper and deeper in his thoughts until the bell rung for the end of school, snapping him back into reality, the boy headed out of class but stopped for a moment and felt as if he was being watched, he shrugged it off as some bird or rat that was flying/running around the place.

He walked down through his usual route to his home halfway there he tripped over the curb

Dorkpool: (Narrator): …and fell on his face.

and saw a figure with a white blood-stained hoodie and black pants "Here." The figure extended one of his hands to help, Cooper couldn’t see the figures face so he took his hand and responded "What do you want?" he was a bit disturbed how the stranger’s hand felt like leather.

"The only thing I want to make you beautiful or send you to sleep." The figure pulls out a kitchen knife from behind and attempts to slice his hand only for him to miss. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU ALMOST CUT MY HAND OFF YOU PSYCHOPA…."

Mirror: (Figure): Hey, I was trying to stop you from masturbating to MLP fan fiction.

He paused to notice that the hands of his attacker were white and after putting the pieces together something clicked in his mind and he instantly knew who the stranger was. "Jeff…" he mumbled.

"Heh, SO! You know who I am!" Jeff exclaimed "You must also know what I do, correct?"

Dorkpool: Ruin almost everything you appear in?

"Are you kidding?" Cooper replied. "There are a whole bunch of stories of your encounters on the internet, WHO DOESN’T KNOW YOU?!"

Mirror: Very lucky people.

"Perhaps, this dead woman..." Jeff dragged a body from behind the trash cans, and Cooper realised who this was, it was his mother, she had a stab wound on her chest and her face was carved to be identical to Jeff's, he threw the corpse in the direction of the Cooper. "MOTHER!" he yelled as he ran towards her side, with tears in his eyes "What did you do you her?!"

Dorkpool: (Jeff): I made her watch a marathon of M. Night Shamaylan movies!

Mirror: (Cooper): You monster!

"Easy" Jeff replied "I sent her to sleep, then made her beautiful, and soon, you will join her Cooper" He chuckled evilly and prepared to attack, but stopped in his tracks when he heard the boy mumble something.

"What was that?" Jeff asked in curiosity "Are they your last words?" He saw the boy trembling violently, undeterred by this, Jeff continued closing on his prey until Cooper suddenly yelled, "Ex Annulis obscuris, spiritus ignis, grando et fulgur, devolvat furorem in hoc puer!"

Mirror: Translation: Coocoocachu, Colonel Sanders! I am be the GODDAMN WALRUS! I need scissors! 83!

Jeff paused in confusion "What?"

The boy looked directly at Jeff; his eyes became completely black, He said something in a much deeper, more sinister tone than his normal voice, "Darkest of dark, spirits of fire, ice and lightning, UNLEASH THIS CHILDS FURY!"

Dorkpool: (Narrator): And this led to absolutely nothing happening.

The necklace he wore glowed with a bright light and Cooper erupted in a burst of black fire.

Jeff smiled to himself when it happened, "Ha! The Idiot intended to kill me but ended up killing himsel-!"

A sudden bolt of lightning blasted out of the fire and struck Jeff fair in the chest and into the trash cans. Jeff quickly recovered from this "What the- ?!" said in shock only to be stuck again by a similar bolt.

Mirror: THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING, VERY, VERY PAINFUL!

"Who are you!?" Jeff yelled after recovering from the second strike, the only response he got was an explosion of black fire which fogged up his view, "Where are you?!"

Jeff yelled in the black smoke, "RIGHT HERE!" he turned only to be met with a clawed hand punching him square in the face, forcing him to land on Coopers mothers corpse.

"WHAT ARE YOU!?" Jeff screamed in frustration.

Dorkpool: (Cooper): I AM A MAN! –punch-

"You don’t recognize me Jeff, you must really have a short memory. It’s me, Cooper!" Jeff was shocked, how could someone like him be losing to a kid with no strength in his bones?

Mirror: Reason number 1,356,754 why Jeff the Killer kind of sucks.

"Lose the tough guy act, Cooper, you’re not tough!" Jeff said in the smoke, "You probably have set traps here

Both: IT’S A TRAP!

and I am setting them off!" he looked for any trap triggers, anything to signify that what he believed Cooper was doing was a trick.

"No tricks here, Jeff, this is all really happening."

Dorkpool: It’s not a trap?

a cold gust of wind blew the smoke away revealing what had really happened to Cooper, his skin was darkened, claws developed on his hands, his teeth became all canines, his hair and clothes were roughed up and his eyes had red rings around them.

Mirror: Alright. And then…?

Dorkpool: Nothing.

Mirror: That’s it?

Dorkpool: Yep.

Mirror: …I’m oddly not sad.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story isn’t all that good.

Mirror: It’s a self-insertion fanfic, to be honest. And that would honestly be fine if the main character were developed or likable. As it is, we know almost nothing about him. How did he get his powers? What’s he like? Also, Jeff is kind of pathetic in this story. He gets his ass kicked by someone he’s obviously been stalking. By the way, if he was stalking this guy, then how did he not know that he had superpowers? Was he not stalking him? If so, why was he in that classroom at the beginning? I’m pretty sure that Jeff the Killer doesn’t go to school. I’m also pretty sure that he doesn’t "send people to sleep" as this story so eloquently puts it. Wouldn’t he say that he puts people to sleep? That actually does work, since when one puts something "to sleep", that thing is usually dead. (Granted, it’s by euthanasia, but still.) Even ignoring all of that, there’s still more that sucks. For example, the ending. It’s just so…abrupt. It’s like the author didn’t finish writing it, but decided to publish it anyway. And no, there isn’t a sequel. This is it. Seriously, dude, at least finish your story.

Dorkpool: There are good things. The spelling and grammar isn’t that bad, and the fight scenes are pretty well written. While Jeff seems like a rather undeveloped villain, in all defense, that’s basically Jeff the Killer. And while the ending is non-existent, at least it isn’t a stupid ending that disappoints/pisses off everyone. And, of course, this story is pretty short. But despite all that, the story still isn’t all that good. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d fight some guy who uses Latin phrases to become superpowered? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorkpool stepped onto the transporter pad. The three person crew of the Cheese Doodle were all in the transporter room.

"So, we all clear on the plan?" Dorkpool asked.

Indometus and Mirror Dorkpool nodded. "You go down there, try and convince Jeff to come with you. If that fails, you fight him, and as soon as you beat him, you both get beamed back here."

"Great. Alright, beam me down!" Dorkpool said.

Indometus, who was operating the transporter controls, did that.

Dorkpool materialized in an alley. He couldn’t find any sign of Jeff the Killer. Odd, he thought. I should’ve been beamed down only a few feet away from-

He wasn’t able to finish that thought due to the knife being plunged into his back by Jeff.

"Ow!" Dorkpool said. "Seriously, dude, that hurts. Also, that’s pretty rude. I mean, I come here to tell you that Zorax is dead and inform you of your past, and you have to go and stab me. Are your manners as dead as your victims?"

Jeff took the knife out of Dorkpool, and the wound quickly healed.

"You’re not dead." Jeff said.

"Obviously. I’m pretty sure dead people don’t talk this much."

"Who are you?"

Dorkpool smiled under his mask. "What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I’m the Goddamn Dorkpool." He paraphrased.

Jeff obviously didn’t get the reference, since he seemed rather angry. Dorkpool quickly said, "Hey, it’s a bit of a joke, man. Calm down."

Jeff thought for a second. He could try killing this Dorkpool again, and hope for better results. Or rip off the guy’s mask and cut out his tongue so that he’d shut up. However, considering that this Dorkpool can’t die, and seems to regenerate, those two courses of action seem rather futile. Instead, Jeff elected to lower his knife, and ask, "What do you want?"

"A mint condition copy of Amazing Fantasy #15, Scarlett Johansson on my bed, to tell you that Zorax is dead, and to help cure your insanity."

"Cure…my insanity?" Jeff asked, a tad confused and disbelieving.

"Yep. You’re nucking futs, buddy, and maybe if you were sane you’d be more likable as a character."

Jeff looked at Dorkpool askance.

"Listen, I just want to help you. Now come with me, ok?" Dorkpool asked.

Come with me…

The words brought back a memory for Jeff.

He was a boy, being taken from his parents. They were lying on the ground, dead. A man was there, a man dressed in black.

"Come with me," he said.

"Where’s my brother?" Jeff had asked.

"He’s with us," the man had answered.

Young Jeff had nowhere else to go, and went with the man. And then…

Pain. Surgery. Torture. Killing.

He knew now. His old memories were fake. He wasn’t the way he is because of some weird fluke or accident. He was made to be this way. Made to be a killer. Made to kill those kids. Made to kill his brother.

His brother…

They made him kill his brother, the only family he had left.

They told him that Liu hated him and wanted to hurt him, and that they were the only true family he had. They told him that by killing Liu, they knew that he truly loved them. And he did, damn it, HE DID. He did it for their benefit, and they were lying through their teeth.

All of this had been buried under implanted lies and hallucinations. But now they were back.

Dorkpool watched as Jeff just stood there, with a blank look on his face. Dorkpool waved his hand in front of Jeff.

"Hello?" he said. "Anybody home?"

Jeff grabbed his hand.

Whoever this Dorkpool was, he said what they had said. Whoever this Dorkpool was, he lied. Whoever this Dorkpool was, he was with them.

Whoever this Dorkpool was, he had to die.

"YOU’RE NOT TAKING ME BACK!" Jeff yelled, and stabbed Dorkpool in the face before he had a chance to block.

"Ah!" Dorkpool yelled, and pulled the knife out.

"Dude, calm down. I’m not your enemy."

"Lies! You lie! Like…like they did!" Jeff yelled.

"No, no I’m not. I’m not with them (who I’m assuming are Zorax’s people). I’m here to help."

Jeff’s response was to charge at Dorkpool. Dorkpool was prepared for this, and took out his blade of choice, a lightsaber. He blocked Jeff’s attack, which also had the effect of cutting of Jeff’s hand.

"Ummm…oops?" Dorkpool said.

Jeff’s hand grew back.

"Well, that’s got to be handy." Dorkpool said, and was stabbed in the chest. "I get it, I get it, you don’t like puns."

Dorkpool swung at Jeff, who teleported out of the way, and stabbed him in the back.

"Et tu, Jeffy? Then falls Dorkpool." Dorkpool fell to the floor, and cut off Jeff’s legs, causing him to fall to the floor. His legs quickly grew back, and he kicked the lightsaber out of Dorkpool’s hand.

They both got up.

"Listen, Jeff, I’m not here to hurt you. I just want to help you. You were part of the Project, and that kind of screwed you up. Believe me, I get it. That’s why I want to help you." Dorkpool said.

Jeff seemed to calm down a bit.

"There. Now let’s get back to my ship, where- AGH!" While Dorkpool was talking, Jeff had stabbed him in the gut.

"I’m not going with you. Not again." Jeff said.

"Fine. Be that way. I wanted to be nice, but noooo, you had to be violent. You’re coming with me, whether you want to or not." Dorkpool said, and punched Jeff in the face. Jeff took the knife out of Dorkpool’s gut, and tried to stab him. Dorkpool, however, was tired of having a knife plunged into him, and decided to do something about it. He grabbed Jeff’s wrist, and squeezed it until he dropped the knife.

"No knives, no guns, just fists and limbs," Dorkpool said, and punched Jeff.

He wanted to do this peacefully, he really did. But despite that, Dorkpool was honestly enjoying the fight. He’s had to read so many stories about Jeff that he sometimes daydreamed about beating the little twerp into the ground. And lo and behold, an opportunity to beat said twerp into the ground. An opportunity he was taking advantage of.

Dorkpool kicked Jeff in the stomach, knocking the killer to the ground. Dorkpool moved quickly, and started stomping on Jeff. Jeff grabbed Dorkpool’s leg, and brought him down to the ground. As soon as he fell, Jeff kicked Dorkpool in the face.

Jeff got on his knees, grabbed Dorkpool by the neck, and brought them both up. Then Jeff proceeded to punch Dorkpool in the face multiple times. Despite the fact that he was wearing a mask, Jeff knew he was hurting him.

Jeff stopped punching him for a second. "Had enough?" he asked.

Dorkpool laughed, pulled his mask up over his mouth, and spit blood in Jeff’s face. "Nope," he said, grinning, and kicked Jeff in the crotch.

Jeff loosened his hold, and Dorkpool took advantage of that, freeing himself from Jeff’s grasp. He ran into another alley to recuperate, and try and wrap his around what was going on.

He’d beaten Zorax, a being who defeated Death and conquered universes, but he’s getting his ass handed to him by Jeff the Crap-tastic Killer? What is even the hell?

"Get back here!" Jeff yelled. "I want to put you to sleep!" The killer giggled.

Dorkpool had enough of this. He decided to finish this quickly. "Dorkpool to Cheese Doodle, two to beam up, one to the brig!" he said.

Back on the Cheese Doodle, Mirror Dorkpool and Indometus were monitoring what was going on. They heard Dorkpool ask for help. However, they weren’t sure if they would answer.

"Should we help?" Mirror Dorkpool asked.

Indometus thought about it. One the one hand, Dorkpool was her boyfriend and she did care for him. On the other hand, he’s been kind of a prick lately, and he can’t die. He can stand to be brought down a peg.

"Eh, let’s wait a bit," Indometus answered.

There’d been no answer from the Cheese Doodle, either verbally or transporter-y. That was not a good thing, since Jeff was on Dorkpool’s tail.

"Found you!" Jeff yelled, and jumped from what seemed to be nowhere. He fell on Dorkpool, knocking him down, and started punching him in the face.

"You know, before I wanted you to leave me alone. Now, I want you to die!" Jeff yelled as he stopped punching for a second to take out his knife.

"You and the Creepypasta Land Wiki…" Dorkpool muttered.

"First, I want you to shut up," Jeff said, as he lifted up Dorkpool’s mask. "Tell me, does your tongue grow back?"

"Yeah, actually, it kind of does," Dorkpool said.

"Shame. I’ll still going to enjoy this." Jeff opened Dorkpool’s mouth, and put his knife under his tongue. Dorkpool grabbed Jeff’s hand.

"Oh no you don’t!" Dorkpool said, or tried saying. Since the knife was under his tongue, it sounded more like, "Uhn nuh yuh duhnt!" Jeff, however, got the message, and decided to respond. "No, I will." He proceeded to cut out Dorkpool’s tongue.

"Ah, better." Jeff said. He punched Dorkpool in the face.

On the Cheese Doodle, Mirror Dorkpool and Indometus were observing the events unfolding. They were a little taken back by Dorkpool having his tongue cut out, and figured that Dorkpool had learned his lesson.

"We should help him," Indometus said, regretting letting Dorkpool get hurt like that. She beamed the two onto the Cheese Doodle, with Dorkpool being sent to sickbay, and Jeff the Killer being sent to the brig.

She hoped Dorkpool was ok.

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Creepypasta Riffs: SeeU Hide and Seek

5/8/2015

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Dorkpool: Ah, the Spinpasta Wiki…

Mirror: Are we going to crap all over this one like we did with the Creepypasta Land Wiki?

Dorkpool: I have no idea. Let’s see what the future brings.

Mirror: Alrighty. So today’s Riff is from the Spinpasta Wiki?

Dorkpool: Yep. Though it wouldn’t surprise me if it was on the Creepypasta Land Wiki.

Mirror: That bad?

Dorkpool: Well, let’s knock on doors and Riff this bitch find out.

START RIFF

Has anyone heard of the Vocaloid singer SeeU, well there is a song called Hide and Seek, now on YouTube there is a video, but I believe this truly happened.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): As you can tell, I’m delusional.

Their was a sickness at one point that no one understood,

Mirror: Similar to this story.

but this one family would soon find out the meaning. There was a knock on the door, as it echoed through the house a voice followed the sound of the knock and said "I will find you, no use hiding."

Dorkpool: Sheesh, the Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting really pushy.

Now the mother understood what he wanted, he wanted them to take his illness. She ran to lock the door only to discover the door was already opening. She pushed against the door and told her son and daughter to go into hiding.

Mirror: (Narrator): The kids, being in a rebellious teenager phase, decided not to.

The kids were scared, but they did as they were told.

The little girl went into her room and hid under her bed, but the boy didn't hide, he ran throughout the house.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): He died pretty quickly.

He didn't want to hide, he had to find his mom, then at that moment he heard a scream, this scream belong to his mother. Tears streamed down his face, the tears started to blur his vision and he tried to run through it. Then a voice said it a feminine voice "No use hiding I will find you."

Mirror: I guess Zod has a sex change/

He nearly froze with fear, but he kept running. That voice belonged to his mother not that man at the door...

The little boy continue running and trying to find a place to hide, then he heard a scream coming from his sister's room. The scream belong to his sister, but again the voice of the new person was his sister. He continued running, then he ran into his bedroom (knowing his sister would look under the bed). So he hid in the closet.

Dorkpool: You know, maybe this story is actually just a metaphor for coming out of the closet.

His sister came into his room saying "Knock... Knock...

Both: Penny!

I'm here... Are you under the bed?" His heart skipped a beat and his breath steadied, but it wasn't long until she said "Oh, I see you're not under there. How about in the closet?"

Dorkpool: (Sister): You can come out of the closet, I’ll accept you.

His heart skipped a beat; as the closet door let in a streak of light and he saw his sister grinning a unnatural grin and her eyes were as black as night. Then there was a scream.

Mirror: (Narrator): The boy left his horror movie on.

There were 3 bodies found in that house, a man's, a mother's, and a little girl's. Each were strangled, but their bodies seemed to have move from where they were to have died from.

Dorkpool: Being taken to the morgue has that effect.

This case is still not solved. There is no sign of the boy. If you ever hear a voice saying "Knock Knock I'm here to find you." Don't go to the door.

Mirror: (Narrator): Instead, shoot the person behind the door.

Hid and never come out. There seems to be a knocking... "Knock Knock, I'm coming for you." Never go near the door.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Stay in your room and never leave your house.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks. A lot.

Mirror: It’s rather confusing, and that’s mostly due to bad writing. The grammar really makes this story confusing. I mean, the first sentence alone already confuses you, and not in the good "I want to know more" way. No, it’s confusing in the "what in the multiple rings of hell is this person trying to say" way. That’s a huge problem. Outside of that, there are other flaws. The characters aren’t developed, and the beginning sentence makes no sense if you don’t know the song. Hell, I had to look up the lyrics for it to see what the hell the writer met. By the way, the song lyrics are better than this story. (Here’s a link for anyone who’s curious: http://vocaloidlyrics.wikia.com/wiki/%EC%88%A8%EB%B0%94%EA%BC%AD%EC%A7%88_%28Sumbakkokjil%29)

Dorkpool: There are good things. Based on the song lyrics, I can kind of see what the writer was going for: a Creepypasta version of a song. Not a bad goal, and the story itself is pretty accurate to the song. Also, despite having terrible grammar, the spelling isn’t terrible. And the story itself is short, so it’s a drag to read. It still isn’t good though. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Was the song good? Do you wish someone would knock on our door? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

 

 

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Creepypasta Riffs: Jeff the Killer Murder Tape

5/7/2015

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"You guys find anything?" Dorkpool asked.

He, his Mirror Universe counterpart, and Indometus were all sitting around on the bridge, comparing what they found – or didn’t find – in their search for Jeff the Killer’s location.

Mirror Dorkpool spoke up first. "Well, I found a few hundred folks on Facebook, Twitter, Kik, and such who go by the name "Jeff the Killer", and quite a few of whom said they were him. I’m pretty sure they’re just roleplayers though."

"Ok. You, Indo?"

"I think I found something. There have been reports of some guy in a hoodie with rather pale skin skulking in alleys in quite a few cities. These have been dismissed as a hoax or something like that, but it might be something," Indometus said.

"Great! How long will it take us to get to one of these cities?" Dorkpool asked.

"Well, considering that we’re pretty far from Earth, I’d say about a couple of days, give or take."

"Alrighty then. Set a course. And good job, Indo."

Indometus nodded, and went to do so.

Wow, he’s not being narcissistic or saying anything self-aggrandizing, Mirror Dorkpool thought. Maybe he’s moving on from that-

"Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go practice some swordplay in the holodeck. I know I’m pretty awesome at it already – and awesome in general – but I’d like to kick some simulated ass before I kick some real ass." Dorkpool said.

God fucking damn it, Mirror Dorkpool thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorkpool: Ever heard of the Amalgam universe?

Mirror: I don’t think so.

Dorkpool: Well, back during the 90s, DC and Marvel had crossover in which various superheroes from their stable fought each other. After it was all through, DC and Marvel had titles that combined certain characters (Spider-Man and Superboy became Spider-Boy, Batman and Wolverine became Darkclaw, Superman and Captain America became Super Soldier, etc.)

Mirror: Ok. So why are you mentioning this?

Dorkpool: First, to educate the readers of the Riffs about comics. And second, because the story we’re going to Riff, "Jeff the Killer Murder Tape", is kind of like that. It combines Jeff the Killer with a lost episode. Sort of.

Mirror: I really don’t think that this story is like the Amalgam universe based on what you told me. Maybe if the story was "Jeff’s Suicide" or something, maybe, but it doesn’t seem that way now.

Dorkpool: Whatever. Anyway, let’s watch a blank tape and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

I’m sure you’ve heard some rumors and stories about this "Jeff the Killer Murder Tape."

Dorkpool: No, no I haven’t.

Well, if not, then I’ll tell you about it.

Supposedly it is a long-lost-but-recently-discovered (like Suicidemouse.avi) beta tape which depicts Jeff claiming yet another victim. Yeah, sorry, I don’t really have a good way of describing it, but you get the picture.

Y’know, I always thought that Jeff the Killer was a mere rip-off of Dark Knight, but once I found the tape I immediately changed my mind.

Mirror: (Narrator): I realized he was a ripoff of "Batman and Robin."

Jeff to me had always just been a fake-freak, though, I had gotten scared and couldn’t sleep the first night I had heard of him.

My friend, Jake, and I like to help. I mean, we go around town, cleaning up any trash or drebis that is floating around.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): We ignore debris though.

One day, I was picking up some leftover food and bags that were dropped on the ground, when I stumbled across the tape. I picked it up and examined it. It had no label, no copyrights, nothing. It was just this blank tape.

Mirror: And at this moment, everyone knew that the narrator was screwed.

"Hey Jake, come over here!" I called to him. Jake turned around and ran up to me, and I could just see the curiosity on his face.

"What?" he said as he spotted a soda can on the ground.

"I found this tape." I replied, showing it to him. He said, ‘cool’ and ran to get some more stuff. I knew he didn’t think an old tape was that interesting, but I had interest in even the most unexpected stuff.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): I found the corpse of a hooker once!

"I think I will take this home with me," I told him,

Mirror: (Narrator): …despite the fact that he doesn’t give microbe of a damn.

then I got on my bike and road home. My parents had owned a Beta VHS, but lost it, so when I arrived at home I dug it out of an old cardboard box and popped the tape in.

Almost immediately, it showed a boy (no older than about 8) strapped to a chair.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): In the background, someone was saying, "You’ll eat your vegetables, god damn it!"

He is crying and sobbing, rocking back and forth begging the cameraman to let him go. The guy who was holding the camera gently put it down on a counter and walked up to the boy. He said in a cold and silky voice, "No."

Mirror: Well, he’s blunt.

I do not know why, but something about his voice made me shiver. The guy, whose back had been turned to the camera whipped his head around and stared at it, almost as if he was staring at me.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): That guy was…Shia LeBouf!

His mouth was slit into a wide, malicious grin, and his eyes were big and bloodshot. He smiled, which made his smile grow even bigger (if possible) until it looked like his face was going to split in half.

Mirror: We can hope…

His hair was a black tangle. His skin was paper-white and he wore a white hoodie and black jeans. The kid trembled with fear as the man slowly creeped up to him with a knife.

Then, it hit me,

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Ow!

it was Jeff the killer! He took the knife and slit a deep smile into the kid’s scared face. He started carving and cutting into the boy, who was screaming like mad.

Jeff started laughing… maniacally… and then he started cutting around the edges of the boy’s head and began peeling off his face. It was sick; when Jeff was done, he brought up a giant beaker of gasoline and dowsed the kid’s lifeless body with it.

Dorkpool: Because Jeff has random beakers of gasoline on hand. Of course.

Then Jeff took a match, threw it on and ran out. The kid’s body started burning; his limbs were falling off and his bones were charring. Jeff ran up to the camera, took it off its stand and the camera cut to black and the tape ejected.

Mirror: Wait, why was he recording himself? Why did he do any of this?

Dorkpool: Why did the writer think this was a good idea?

I sat there motionless, staring down at it. I ended up burning the tape into stinking ashes. If you ever come across another copy, just walk away and don’t touch it, or you’ll end up like me, who’s now having therapy appointments with a doctor.

Dorkpool: As opposed to therapy appointments with a lemon.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks.

Mirror: The story seems like a lost episode story with Jeff the Killer shoved into it. Hell, Jeff the Killer isn’t really necessary for this story. It’d make more sense if it were some random murderer. Seriously, this doesn’t really gel with what I know about him. He’s not someone who sets people on fire unless he’s making them "beautiful", and he’s not someone who records himself killing people, and just decides to leave the tape lying around. Speaking of which, why does Jeff do this? What’s the point to it? If he wanted attention, he probably could’ve called a news station or something. If he wanted to remain unknown, then this was a stupid way of doing it. If he wanted to document his murders and keep the tapes for posterity, that makes some sense, but then other questions pop up, like where would he keep the tapes, since he’s supposed to be this serial killer who goes from place to place. Maybe he has them as insurance or something, or maybe he mails the tapes to his victims’ families. Really, any theory I come up with to explain this has some hole in it. Even excusing the giant plot hole that is the basis of this story, it still has quite a few flaws. The main character isn’t developed, and his/her ending line that the reader wouldn’t want to suffer his/her fate because he/she is having "therapy appointments with a doctor" really hurts the story. It’s just so awkwardly phrased that it actually ends up hurting any scare value the story might have had. Also, it’s pretty hard for this story to have much scare value due to the spelling mistakes it has.

Dorkpool: Despite all those flaws, there are some good things. The idea of a serial killer leaving tapes of his murders around isn’t exactly a bad one, and in the hands of decent writer might have actually made a pretty good story. Also, this story isn’t really that long, so one doesn’t have to suffer through it for very long. However, it still isn’t very good. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish that someone would leave tapes showing us being mutilated and burned? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The memories had been getting worse.

Well, it wasn’t the memories per se, it was the frequency at which they exploded into the killer’s head. Since the first one resurfaced, it had steadily been getting worse and worse. Now it seemed like every other second one resurfaced.

And…it seemed more and more like his old memories were dreams. He used to remember killing three boys – Randy, Keith, and Troy. He still does, but instead of them being bullies, now they seemed to be…target practice for him. He now remembers being told to kill these boys by…someone. He didn’t know who. And the boys…the boys seemed to be scared. They were nothing like the arrogant jackasses who he remembers killing.

Maybe…maybe his old life was all a dream. Maybe these new memories…these new ones were the truth.

No, no he couldn’t believe that. Why would he have those old memories then? For what purpose? No, his old ones must be the truth, and these new ones…they’re just the result of stress or something. Yeah, stress, that’s it. After all, being a serial killer who’s on the run is pretty stressful. That must be it.

He knew, deep down, that the excuse was flimsy and full of holes. But it was the best one he could think of, and he kept repeating it to himself until he was reasonably sure he believed it.

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Creepypasta Riffs: Duck's Pond

5/6/2015

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Dorkpool: You know what we haven’t really Riffed?

Mirror: Do tell.

Dorkpool: “Abandoned By Disney” based stories.

Mirror: Didn’t that other Riffer – Mirai Ender – Riff that story? And its sequel?

Dorkpool: Yeah. Though I did start a Riff of the first one a while ago, but never finished it.

Mirror: You’re rather lazy, aren’t you?

Dorkpool: I do Riffs on a daily basis. Cut me some slack.

Mirror: Fine. Anyway, “Abandoned By Disney” stories.

Dorkpool: Yeah. We haven’t Riffed that story or any of its sequels/spinoffs. UNTIL NOW.

Mirror: Ok, this could be good. I mean, maybe someone did a decent job-

Dorkpool: It’s from the Creepypasta Land Wiki.

Mirror: Well fuck me with a lightsaber.

Dorkpool: So, let’s get buried under vomit, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

Most people don't believe in the theories of Disney's secret corruption, they think it's a whole bunch of bull.

Dorkpool: The fools! Don’t they understand that Disney is trying to take over the world?

However, I believe.

My aunt's deceased boyfriend had apparently worked in a Disney park known as "Duck's Pond". Many don't know of its existence,

Mirror: Since it doesn’t actually exist.

Disney did everything in its power to hide it. It was unique from most Disney parks because it is ACTUALLY located under a pond.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): It’s also responsible for all of its visitors feeling claustrophobia.

The premise was that it was like Disney Land, but all about Donald Duck and co. Mickey "occasionally" visited, though he was there everyday.

Mirror: Mickey is always there. ALWAYS.

There was just one mascot costume of him, while everyone else had multiple.

Mirror: Let me guess: it’s photo-negative.

Dorkpool: Would it surprise you if it was?

Mirror: Nope!

My aunt's boyfriend had a journal, and after constantly nagging her, she finally let me borrow it. It's excerpt is bellow:

Dorkpool: Its excerpt is bellowing?

Journal Log 1: It's my first day working at Duck's Pond! I'm so excited!

Mirror: (Boyfriend): Journal Log 2: It’s my second day working at Duck’s Pond! I hate my life!

Journal Log 2: Today was great! I love my new job.

Journal Log 3: Today was...bad...some hyperactive child ate way too many sweets and threw up on the floor. Had to clean it up.

Dorkpool: (Boyfriend): Also had to smack the twerp. I’m unemployed now!

Journal Log 4: super fun! I love this job.

Journal Log 5: It's been a week since my last log, but the job had been pretty fun.

Journal Log 6: Wow...it's been a year since the last log...this job isn't as fun anymore...

Mirror: (Boyfriend): My spirit has been crushed under the combined weight of the vomit of children.

Journal Log 7: Today, something...weird happened.

Dorkpool: (Boyfriend): Some guy walked up wearing a Mickey themed gas mask.

We did a head count of the costumed employees, and there was one extra Donald one... We did a recount and he was still there. Since we didn't have that many costumed people, we did one last recount, and he was still there.

Mirror: The Jackal has gone from cloning Spider-Man to cloning Donald Duck.

We called security, but when they got here he was gone.

Journal Log 8: We've been getting death threats and bombing threats...he refers to himself as "the man in the Donald Costume". Could this be the man who was the extra Donald in the head count?

Both: Naaaaaah!

Journal Log 9: Man, I'm about to lose my job...

Dorkpool: (Boyfriend): I should never have said that Nickelodeon is better than Disney.

the place is getting closed down, if not forever than a long while...someone used a Donald Suit...now...4 children are...missing...I heard this man may be after me next.

Mirror: Why? Because plot.

This is rather unnerving...to say the least...so I decided to do some investigating on a killer who dressed up in a Donald Duck suit.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): A few hours later, and I find out that quite a few cosplayers had murderous tendencies.

After at least two hours of searching, I found an online page about the top 3 candidates for the Donald Duck killings.

Their names were Taylor Saper, Woody Leningrado, and Harold Fquo. After some investigating, I discovered that Harold Fquo is actually in a prison about twenty miles away from where I lived.

Mirror: (Narrator): The other two are unimportant.

I decided to do some interviewing of him later, but first I needed to find more evidence.

At first I couldn't find anything, but then I figured out that you can still enter Duck's Pond just not...legally. However, they literally never check there. I've been by the area. I decided to go check it out.

Dorkpool: Cue photo-negative Donalds.

I drove near the area, but got out a mile away and walked. I couldn't let any evidence of me entering be seen. I wore all black clothes, because wearing all black clothes actually glitches out these cameras into not picking you up on the feed, so I could sneak in without being traced back.

Mirror: So are goth kids good robbers then?

Once I arrived, I got in the little rusty submarine that led to the underwater park. Once I got out, I got my camera and started off.

Nothing was too special, just some abandoned stuff. After two hours of searching I could find nothing of value, and left.

About three weeks passed, and I couldn't get anymore info on the corruption of Disney.

Dorkpool: What about the corruption of Marvel?

Until I passed by a garage sale. I saw some old lady with a few VHS tapes. I went there, and nothing seemed to be of interest until I saw a VHS tape labeled "Donald's Hell". Intrigued, I tried to buy it. The lady said it was free, and soon I left with the tape.

Mirror: Wait, so is this an “Abandoned By Disney” story or a lost episode story? Make up your mind, story!

I put it in my VHS player and started watching.

A costume of Donald wanders into Duck Pond. There, he walks depressed.

Dorkpool: You know, I think this story is just trying to rip off every popular Creepypasta story ever.

Suddenly a flashing picture of a...oh lord...dead child popped up on screen. This kid was horribly mangled, both his eyes were ripped out, and "HF" is written in blood on his forehead.

Dorkpool: The Hero Factory fanbase didn’t take the cancellation very well.

..HF...that could stand for Harold Fquo. Where have I heard that before?

Mirror: A few paragraphs ago.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story is not very good.

Mirror: Unlike “Abandoned By Disney”, this story doesn’t have a basis in fact. While there is a park called “Duck’s Pond”, it’s a waterpark, and it’s still around. Even forgiving that, this story ends up ripping off so many Creepypasta stories by the end. We have a ripoff of “Suicidemouse.avi”, “Squidward’s Suicide”, and quite a few lost episode clichés. There are also journal story clichés, like the writer of the journal writing how worried he/she is that they’re going to die instead of, I don’t know, calling the police or something. And should I mention how much it rips off “Abandoned By Disney”? Yes, it’s a spinoff of sorts, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a ripoff. Even excusing the unoriginality, the characters aren’t really developed. Plus, despite the journal being a bit cliché, there are parts that aren’t cliché, but really stupid, like the guy not writing in his journal for a while, and then saying that he doesn’t like his job anymore. Hell, why did he even have the journal?

Dorkpool: There are some good things. This story isn’t long, and spelling and grammar wise isn’t very bad. Other than that, there’s nothing very good. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be killed by some Hero Factory aficionado? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

 

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Creepypasta Riffs: Children of a Killer

5/5/2015

2 Comments

 
Dorkpool: “Jeff the Killer” has gotten disturbing popular for some reason.

Mirror: I’m well aware of that.

Dorkpool: So am I, especially since we’re getting into a story arc involving the guy.

Mirror: Stop with the…ugh…anyway, the story we’re Riffing.

Dorkpool: Right! The story! This one is called “Children of a Killer”, and  - spoiler alert – it’s about the children of Jeff the Killer.

Mirror: Someone would want to have his kids?

Dorkpool: Have you seen his fangirls?

Mirror: Oh. Good point.

Dorkpool: Anyway, let’s be crappy parents, and Riff this bitch!

START RIFF

It was a bright sunny day at a local orphanage.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Until the Fire Nation attacked.

As the sun shone through a window, two children woke up. Andrew and Cassie were twins, seven years old and lost both of their parents when they were infants. Andrew inherited his appearance from his dead uncle, and Cassie got hers from her mom.

Mirror: (Narrator): So, in case you were wondering, they are identical twins.

They went downstairs to play with their friends.

Later that day, they saw a figure that scared them.

Dorkpool: Shia LeBouf?

They only got to see his head, he had black hair, skin as white as snow, eyes bordered in black, and a smile carved into his face. They complained to a caretaker that they saw a scary figure.

Mirror: (Narrator): The caretaker asked if they had their medication today.

They described everything they saw.

"Oh my gosh..." Was all the caretaker said before saying they needed a nap.

Napping didn't help, that figure was in their dream. There was a woman chained to a table and a message they couldn't read on the wall. The figure was holding two infants, both crying, as he ran into his house. Not long after, the sound of someones footsteps could be heard from outside. Both children wanted to hold the babies, scared of what he would do.

Dorkpool: So twins can dream the same thing at the same time. Good to know.

The figure put them in a bedroom that an eleven year old would have. The last thing they heard was him speaking.

Mirror: (Figure): Shut up, or so help me I’ll turn around and you won’t go to Disney Land.

"Stop crying. Or the two of you can go to sleep." The figure said.

Both woke up to screaming. They ran and saw a boy who picked on them a lot, he had been gutted.

Dorkpool: Remember, kids: Don’t bully people, or you’ll die painfully.

His organs were everywhere. His eyes had been gouged out. Every child in the room either threw up or fainted. Andrew and Cassie were lead to another room by a caretaker.

"Kids, let me tell you something about your father. He isn't dead." She said.

"Then where is he?" Andrew asked.

"He's alive.

Mirror: (Andrew): Ok, I kind of figured that out when you said he isn’t dead. Now can you answer my question?

But he is a bad person. You were found in his brothers room in his old house. We kept it a secret form the two of you." The caretaker said. Andrew and Cassie didn't do anything for the rest of the day.

The next day, they awoke to find themselves bound and gagged to the bed in their dream.

Dorkpool: Some dream of Jeannie, others dream of bondage.

They squirmed and tried to break free. It was hopeless. The figure came in, he was holding a knife covered in blood. They balled their eyes out.

Mirror: Ah, I love typos like this, because now I have an image of them just using their eyes as basketballs. Ball isn’t life, it’s eye.

"Sssshhh, it's OK children, Daddy's here." The figure said before ripping the gags off their mouths. Not caring about the knife, Cassie spit in his eye.

"Meanie. This hurts." Cassie said as she squirmed in her handcuffs.

"You know, you shouldn't spit on anyone.

Dorkpool: (Figure): They might be into that.

Even they are a meanie." He said as he put his knife in her mouth.

"LEAVE HER ALONE!" Andrew shouted.

"You're just like your mother. She didn't really like me."

Mirror: Well, to be honest, no one does.

He said. Andrew kicked him in the gut. He fell to the floor laughing.

"Who are you?" Andrew asked.

Dorkpool: (Figure): I…am your father.

"My name is Jeff. Call me Daddy," Jeff said.

Dorkpool: Told you. Also, Jeff is now officially a rapist. Goody goody gumdrops.

Both children screamed, "ssshh, just go to sleep." Jeff said. No, he didn't kill them, he just whacked them unconscious.

From then on, the children lived with Jeff.

Mirror: (Narrator): Jeff let them play video games and eat ice cream for dinner.

They would help him kill sometimes. But they didn't know it was bad until their own father nearly did it to them.

Dorkpool: And…?

Mirror: It’s over.

Dorkpool: Are you sure? It feels like there’s more.

Mirror: No, it’s over.

Dorkpool: Oh. I’m not sad about that.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: Yeah, this story sucks.

Mirror: Quite a bit of it isn’t explained. How are the twins able to have the same dream? How did Jeff not get caught killing a kid? And why did he tie up his kids? Sorry, but I don’t think that’s a good first impression to make. And the ending is very abrupt, it almost feels like it wasn’t done, and the writer uploaded what he/she had so far. Maybe there was supposed to be a sequel, but so far, there hasn’t been one. And that would be fine…except the story was written almost two years ago. I think that’s enough time to do a second part. But I really shouldn’t be complaining. Also, the characters aren’t really developed, and the  “parent taking back his/her kids after stalking them” is kind of cliché.

Dorkpool: However, there are a few good things. I’ve always been a fan of stories that take place in the future of an established universe, with the children of heroes and villains taking up their parents’ mantle. This story does do something with that, and it honestly isn’t badly written. When it comes to Jeff stories, I’ve seen worse. The spelling and grammar is pretty good, especially for a Jeff story. But there are quite a few flaws that really hurt the story. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish that we’d have the unfortunate luck to be related to Jeff the Killer? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

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Creepypasta Riffs: Grandma Melinda

5/4/2015

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“So Jeff the Killer was a product of the Project?” Mirror Dorkpool asked.

He, Dorkpool, and Inodmetus were on the bridge of the Cheese Doodle, and talking about Dorkpool’s recent findings.

“Yeah. Weird to think that something that produced the awesomeness that is me also produced the crap pile that is Jeff the Killer.” Dorkpool responded.

Both Mirror Dorkpool and Indometus internally groaned. Dorkpool’s cockiness and narcissism was getting on their nerves. However, there were more important things going on than a Shatner-sized ego.

“So what do we do with this information?” Indometus asked.

“Simple. We find Jeff, tell him what’s up, and try to see if we can’t fix him.” Dorkpool responded.

“’Fix him?’”

“Yeah. Dose him with heavy anti-psychotics, and see what that does.”

Indometus and Mirror Dorkpool stared at Dorkpool in a way that showed that they questioned his sanity.

“What?” Dorkpool asked.

“That’s kind of stupid.” Mirror Dorkpool responded.

“Not really. We do this, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll be a more tolerable human being.”

“Yeah, but he could also escape and be a huge problem.”

“Ok. We put him in the brig.”

“He teleports!”

“Ok, we knock him unconscious, transport him to the brig, and constantly dose him with sedatives.”

Mirror Dorkpool was about to respond, but then realized he didn’t really have much of an argument. Honestly, it might work. But there was still something about all of this that made him uncomfortable.

He just had a bad feeling about what was to come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorkpool: There’s some weird stories on the Internet.

Mirror: “Shrek Is Love, Shrek Is Life”?

Dorkpool: To name one. Also, today’s story, “Grandma Melinda”, is also very strange.

Mirror: So is that story with Jeff the Killer getting Slender Man’s powers. Aren’t we supposed to be Riffing the next part of the series?

Dorkpool: Erm…anyway, let’s obsess over a lizard and Riff this bitch!

One day, while out in her garden, Mrs. Melinda Cosgrove

Dorkpool: No relation to Miranda.

happened upon a strange little white creature, which appeared to have a gash on its tail. She took it in, put a little guaze wrapping on its tail, and kept it in a cardboard box.

Mirror: (Narrator): However, she forgot to put air holes in the box.

Her husband, Edgar, was none too pleased with this.

"What is it with you and bringing filthy animals into this house, Melinda?! First it was that damn cat, and now this...this lizard thing!"

Dorkpool: (Edgar): You damn women and your animals! Back in my day, we had the flu and malaria, and we were happy!


"Oh Edgar, I'm only taking care of it till it gets back on its feet. Then I'll let it right back outside."
"I hope so. Cuz I sure as hell don't wanna catch what that thing's got!"

Mirror: (Melinda): But I thought you liked the flu and malaria.


The six-legged, pink-eyed creature uttered a loud, high-pitched squeal in Edgar's direction, as though insulted. Edgar visibly flinched.
"Now Jeff, don't be so rude."

Dorkpool: Oh no, it’s Jeff the Killer! We have to get out of here!

The creature curled up into a corner of the box, still keeping an evil eye on Edgar.
"Jeff?"
"That's his name. He told me."
"Melinda, lizards can't talk."

Mirror: He just dissed Curt Connors.


"You'd be surprised."

Over the next few weeks, Melinda seemed to become a bit TOO attached to "Jeff", their new tenant. She had moved it from a cardboard box to Edgar's steamer trunk-the one his father had given him!-and began treating it like royalty.

Dorkpool: And I thought crazy cat ladies were bad enough…

It didn't seem so bad at first when she just took it out to let the grandkids look at it and let it watch TV with her, but soon it was following her into the bathroom, it begged for scraps from the table, and he swore he saw it slip under her pillow a couple times.

Mirror: You know your sex life sucks when your wife sleeps with a lizard instead of you.

And now, instead of just feeding it mealworms and crickets, she was COOKING for the thing! Actual little three-course meals! This was getting out of hand.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): She needs some hard psychotropic medication.

Edgar burst into the sunroom, where Melinda was stroking Jeff and listening to "Spring" from Vivaldi's The Four Seasons on her CD player.
"Melinda, I've had it! You're treating that mop-topped gecko better than you've ever treated me in 38 years, YOU BITCH!"

Mirror: (Melinda): Yeah, well at least Jeff can get an erection!


"EGDAR!"
Jeff screamed again, and raised its tail. Edgar paid no attention to this.
"I MEAN IT! EITHER THAT THING GOES, OR I DO!"

Mirror: He’s dead.

Dorkpool: Probably.

The next day...
"Now kids, remember we'll be back in 5 hours to pick you up. And please, don't argue with Grandpa Edgar again. You know you grouchy he can get."

Dorkpool: (Mother): Especially when he’s off his medication.


"We won't," said Elliott and Maureen in unison.
"OK, have fun with Grandma."

The two children entered the house. Almost immediately, Grandma Melinda greeted them. There was something very...off about her appearance.

Mirror: (Narrator): She was wearing a bra over her eyes.

Her hair was an absolute rat's nest, her skin was very pale, there were black bags around her eyes. Jeff, wearing the satin bow-tie she had made for him and sitting on her shoulder as usual, didn't seem a bit fazed by this.

"HeLlO KiDs.

Dorkpool: Oh, please. Doomsayer, show this story how it’s done!

Mirror: …You know Doomsayer’s dead, right?

Dorkpool: Oh, right. Awkward.

*buzz* I aM sO gLaD tO sEe yOu. *click*"
"G-grandma? Are you...feelin' all right?" asked Maureen.

Mirror: Well, obviously she’s all right. I mean, she’s talking like Doomsayer and making weird noises. Totally normal.


"i aM fInE. *click* *buzz* wOUlD yOu lIkE sOmeThing tO drInK? *buzz*"
"N-no thanks..." said Eliott.

Dorkpool: (Melinda): Are you sure? It’s totally not drugged.


There was a "ding" sound coming from the kitchen.
"oH, tHe *buzz* cAsSerOle iS dOnE. wAiT a mInUte."

Grandma walked away. Elliot swore he could see something poking out of the back of her dress near her shoulders. Two tiny, pointed, blade-like, shiny objects, that looked almost like...naw, it couldn't be.
"Elliot, why does grandma have wings?"

Mirror: (Elliot): Because she’s an angel now.


"You saw it too?"
"Yeaaaah."
"Shhh, here she comes. Act casual."

Dorkpool: (Maureen): Hi, grandma! How are your wings?

Grandma came back around, toting a huge covered casserole with what looked like tomato sauce dripping down the sides. It emanated an unholy stench.

Mirror: If “Batman and Robin” had a smell, it’d probably be that one.

The two children held their noses, clenched their eyes shut, and coughed.
"Ewww! What is that stuff, Grandma?! It smells GROSS!" said Eliott.

Dorkpool: (Melinda): Your Xbox! Happy birthday, kids!

"It'zzzz my sPeCiAl *buzz* sUrpRriSe! *click*" Melinda uncovered the casserole. "*buzz* DiG iN!"
The kids opened their eyes to see what the "surprise" was, and practically screamed their heads off.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): In the casserole was…Shia LeBouf.

It sure was a surprise, all right.
Grandma was serving them what was left of Grandpa Edgar.

Mirror: Remember, kids: if your wife obsesses over a lizard named Jeff, just back away slowly and call the mental hospital.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story is weird, and not very good.

Mirror: The big problem with this story is Miranda. Very little about her is explained. Why is she obsessing over the lizard? Why is it named Jeff? And why is she talking in the Doomsayer voice and buzzing and beeping? Also, what’s with the lizard? Does it have telepathic powers or something? These things really need to be explained.

Dorkpool: There are some good things. The concept itself – a woman obsessing over an animal to the point where she kills and cooks her husband – isn’t a bad one, but it really needed to be handled better. The spelling and grammar are actually pretty good (with the exception of the Doomsayer voice; seriously, what even the fuck?), and the story is mercifully short. While this isn’t the worst story that’s been Riffed here, it still isn’t very good. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be killed by a crazy lizard lady? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The killer had just finished taking the life of yet another person. It wasn’t much of a problem; the victim seemed to be someone who had never been in a fight in his life. The killer made sure he never would be in another.

After doing so, he searched for more prey, and found some. Three men; one obviously the leader, with two who seemed to be cronies. One was large, the other rail thin.

This seemed familiar to the killer, and stirred up memories in him. He’d killed people like this before. Long ago.

But those memories felt…fake. Almost dream-like.

Other memories decided to show themselves. Memories of knives and being cut and liquids being pumped into him, and pain. So much pain.

And those memories…they felt real.

Doubt started surfacing. What was real, and what wasn’t?

Who was he really? He was a killer, but why? Was it a psychotic break, like he remembered in those dream-like memories, or was it something else?

He decided to leave the three men alive for now, and went to find somewhere to sit alone, and sort out his thoughts.

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Creepypasta Rifftiques: Jeff the Killer Rewrite

5/3/2015

1 Comment

 
On the bridge of the Cheese Doodle, Mirror Dorkpool talks to his friend, fellow Riffer, and alternate universe counterpart, Dorkpool.

"So my Poison sent those files about the Project you wanted," Mirror Dorkpool was saying.

"Oh, you mean those ones I asked for off screen?" Dorkpool answered.

Mirror Dorkpool groaned a bit internally. Dorkpool might be his friend, but he could be damned irritating, especially since his battle with Zorax. After killing the skull-headed conqueror, Dorkpool seemed to have developed two new habits: breaking the fourth wall, and acting like he’s the greatest thing to ever exist. Mirror Dorkpool wasn’t sure which one was more annoying.

"Yes, those ones," he answered.

"Splendid!" Dorkpool said. "Send them to my quarters. I’ll read them after the Rifftique."

"Rifftique?"

"Yeah. Doing a crossover with a friend of mine – AGrim – that we call a ‘Rifftique.’ Catchy name, don’t you think?"

"I guess. How come I’m just hearing about this?"

"Because you’re not part of it," Dorkpool said.

"And why is that? I thought we did Riffs together."

"We do. But not Rifftiques. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go. Let me know if there are any more skull-headed conquerors to kill, ok?" Dorkpool said, and proceeded to walk off.

Once he was out of earshot, Mirror Dorkpool muttered to himself, "I’m a damn emperor. Why do I put up with this shit?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AGrim: A lot of people know that the original "Jeff the Killer" sucks. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t, but those terrible stories are for another day.

Dorkpool: "Another day" being "the next time I post a Riff."

AGrim: Today is an unusual case in which somebody must have thought that the original "Jeff the Killer" needed a rewrite. While yes, a rewrite would make it better, I personally don’t think the idea is good enough or original enough to make something good.

Dorkpool: I actually have to disagree. The idea behind "Jeff the Killer" wasn’t terrible, and I’m sure if the writer is talented enough, he or she could make a good story with ol’ Jeffy.

AGrim: Thinking of it, I actually kind of like "Jeff the Killer vs. Jane the Killer". Sure, the set-up and origin stories were terrible, but it is mostly written well and even clever at times. Therefore, you have a very good point there.

Dorkpool: Thank you.

AGrim: However, it doesn’t help that the author of this rewrite doesn’t understand that when you rewrite something, you probably need to understand English better than the original author. This author is one of those authors that is just plain incompetent.

Dorkpool: God fucking damn it.

AGrim: Therefore, let’s go ahead and find out why this rewrite just doesn’t work.

Dorkpool: Or, in other words, let’s do a reboot worse than Man of Steel and Riff this bitch!

OMINOUS UNKNOWNKILLER STILLAT LARGE

Dorkpool: (Newspaper): In other news, spaces are for squares.

AGrim: We’re off to a fantastic start, aren’t we?

After weeks of unexplained murders, a young boy, Timothy Stevens, claims to have survived an attack from this elusive murderer. He has accepted our offer to interview him,

Dorkpool: (Newspaper): …after quite a bit of bribing.

and bravely tells his story.

"I had a bad dream and woke up in the middle of the night. I saw that the window was open, but I remembered closing it before I went to sleep. I got up, closed it and tried to go back to sleep." "After a few minutes, I got a strange feeling

Dorkpool: I believe it’s called "puberty."

… As if I was being watched… I opened my eyes, and before I could scream, a pale hand grabbed my throat. I couldn’t even breath.

AGrim: If you are going to rewrite the original, you should probably show that you understand English better than they did. Clearly, this author doesn’t.

All I could do was watch as the person pulled his hood up, revealing his face…" Timothy shuddered at this point.

"It was pale, with cold, dead eyes, bordered by black rings. The hair was black and looked like it was wet, but the worst part was the smile… It looked like it was carved into his face. This person held up a knife, above my head and said three, simple words in a way only an insane person could speak.

Dorkpool: (Jeff): Coocoocachu, Colonel Sanders.

"Go. To. Sleep." I kicked him, knocking him over and began screaming at the top of my lungs as he tried to stab me! My mother ran upstairs and opened my door, and the person threw his knife at her, sticking it into her shoulder. I began to hear sirens, and the person jumped through the window and ran away."

If you see anyone matching the description of the person in this story, please contact your local police station. Suspects include 15 year old Jeffrey Hill, a young boy living with his family until they were found murdered in their beds, with Jeffrey nowhere to be found.

Dorkpool: Thanks, random exposition!

AGrim: Well, we know the ending of this pasta now. There really isn’t too much reason to continue, they literally just got up and told us what is going to happen.

Dorkpool: Alrighty then, we’re done here. That was Creepypasta Rifftiques, and this story sucks, but at least it’s short.

AGrim: For a rewrite, I have to admit it was an improvement. At least it saved me from having to read most of the original story agai- oh god damn, it goes on.

Dorkpool: Oh, just kill me now.

Jeff and his family had just moved to a new neighbourhood. Jeffs father had gotten a promotion at work, so they decided to move to a better part of their town. Jeff and his brother, Liu, couldn’t complain.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): But that doesn’t stop them from doing so.

They both hated their old house, where they had to share a room. While they were unpacking everything and putting it into their house, the new neighbours came by. "Hello." she said. "I’m Barbara. I live across the street. Welcome to the neighbourhood." Jeff’s mother introduced herself. "I’m Margaret. This is my husband Peter, and my kids, Jeff and Liu."

Dorkpool: (Barbara): What kind of name is Liu?

AGrim: (Margaret): We adopted him off the streets of China, okay?

A young boy ran up to Barbara and looked at Jeff and his family. "This is my son, Jack. He’s going to be eight in a few days."

Dorkpool: (Barbara): He’s also a mistake.

They talked for a few more minutes, and Barbara invited Jeff’s family to Jack’s birthday party. After they went back home, Jeff spoke up. "Why did you invite us to some kids party?" he said to his mother. "In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not some dumb kid." "I think we should get to know our new neighbours." Jeff’s mother replied. Jeff groaned and went into his house. He stayed in his room until dinner.

AGrim: Did he just kind of sit in his room until dinner, doing nothing?

The next day, Jeff and his brother went to his new school. After a boring day of being told how glad everyone was to have them at school, they went to the bus stop.

Dorkpool: Wait, if they went to the bus stop after school, how did they get there?

AGrim: I guess the author decided we needed to know the origin of Jeff’s teleportation abilities from "Jeff Is Back".

While they talked to each other, another kid who looked like he was a year older than Jeff came by. "Hey. That’s my spot." He said to Jeff. "Too bad. Find somewhere else to sit." This made the other kid angry. "Do you know who I am?" "Some ugly loser. Go bother someone else." Jeff replied. The other kid took a knife out of his pocket. "GET OUT OF MY SPOT. NOW."

Dorkpool: Sheldon Cooper is out of control.

Jeff laughed. "No." The boy attempted to stab Jeff, but he got out of the way. He took out his own pocket knife and stabbed the boy in the side. He grit his teeth and ran off.

Later that night, someone knocked on the door of Jeff’s new house. When his mother opened it, she saw a police man standing there. "Hello, ma’am. We have reports that your son has been causing problems at school." She called Jeff and Liu down. "Kids, this man says you’ve been causing problems."

Dorkpool: (Margaret): Did you try to killing the principal and inciting a revolt again?

AGrim: (Jeff): Come on mom, I only did that twice!

The police man interrupted. "We have reports of one of your children severely injuring another child at school." Liu spoke up. "It was me, sir. I stabbed another kid." He looked at Jeff and sighed. "He was trying to hurt my brother." Before Jeff could say something, the police man told Liu that he would be going to Juvie for the next few months.

Dorkpool: Because screw due process!

AGrim: I like that Liu actually shares the fact that the kid was trying to hurt them and the officers still don’t care at all.

Liu and the police man walked out, got into the car and drove away.

A few days later, it was time for Jack’s party. Jeff put on the best clothes he could find, and his mother, who had fallen ill, told him that she couldn’t go. Jeff walked out, and walked down the street to the crosswalk. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in his stomach.

Dorkpool: Where will you be when constipation strikes?

A second later, everything went black.

When he woke up, he didn’t know if he had or not. Everything was dark. He tried to sit up, but he couldn’t. Suddenly, the darkness he saw began to go away.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): It was immediately replaced by more darkness.

He saw a man in a white coat, looking at him. Jeff looked around, and saw his family, trying not to cry. "Mom? Dad? What’s wrong?" Jeff asked them. The man held up a mirror. Jeff saw his face. It was completely white

Dorkpool: By the Preservers’ pants, he’s become Caucasian!

… His black hair seemed to have grown since the last time he saw it… And his lips were stained red… "Jeff, I’m very sorry, but-" Jeff interrupted the apparent doctor. "Sorry for what? I’m…" Jeff poked his cheek.

"I’m beautiful…"

Dorkpool: That’s what all his fangirls say, anyway.

He started to laugh very loudly. His mother looked at the doctor with an expression of fear. "Is… Is my son going to be all right?" "Yes, the pain killers are still affecting him." The doctorreplied. "If it doesn’t go away soon, be sure to bring him back."

Dorkpool: (Doctor): Don’t worry, we’ll just give him a lobotomy.

After they took him back home, Jeff, his brother and his parents went home. His mother woke up after having a nightmare. She thought she heard something, though… It almost sounded like laughter…

Dorkpool: (Narrator): …but more like polka.

AGrim: Painkillers make people really like polka, apparently.

She went to the bathroom and saw her son… He was staring into a mirror, holding a knife and cutting into his cheek. There were black circles around his eyes, and he didn’t blink at all. "Jeff… What have you done to your face…" She began to cry. Jeff looked over at her and laughed. He walked over to her, still holding his knife. His mother ran out of the room and to Jeff’s father. "Honey, we need to find Liu and leave.

Dorkpool: No matter what, Jeff’s mom is still a crappy mother.

AGrim: They never explained that Liu got out of juvie in this version, so I’m assuming they aren’t going to find him so easily.

Dorkpool: Maybe Liu teleported out of prison. Maybe both he and Jeff are mutants or something.

Now. Jeff’s…" She turned around and saw Jeff. "I’m what? Hideous?

Dorkpool: Yep.

I thought you loved me, mom…"

AGrim: (Margaret): Actually, I was hoping you were the one that was going to Juvie.

Liu woke up to the sound of his parents screaming. He looked around for a moment, and saw his brother, standing at his door. He was too scared to speak… Jeff walked over to him and held his knife, covered in blood, over his brother’s face. "It will only hurt for a moment, brother… All I want you to do is… Go… To… Sleep…"

Dorkpool: (Liu): But I’m not tired.

AGrim: (Jeff): Just humor me for a sec, bro. Also, how the hell did you get out of Juvie?

END RIFF

AGrim: Alright, my main problem with this story is that this author just doesn’t know how and why you rewrite stories.

Dorkpool: Neither does most of Hollywood, to be honest.

AGrim: Well, yeah. For every Casino Royale, there will always be a Planet of the Apes (2001). Anyway, the reason a person would rewrite a story is to improve upon the story (or, in rare cases, make it intentionally bad for a Trollpasta). The author isn’t a very good writer, so he can’t really improve upon the story.

Dorkpool: Cue jokes about Zack Snyder, J.J. Abrams, and Mark Webb.

AGrim: Also, it doesn’t help when he skips the entire middle of the plot to get to the end. The whole "Jeff blacks out and wakes up in hospital" is a terrible cliché, and the author either did this on purpose or thought that the entire middle of "Jeff the Killer" was gold and required no changes. He was clearly wrong on that.

Dorkpool: He was also wrong on how to spell things, how spacing works, and how to write interesting characters and plot, so that’s not saying much.

AGrim: Anyway, because of this random skipping, it actually makes the plot really incomplete. The transition of Jeff into a madman is now (even more) rushed and doesn’t really make sense. In the original, it kind of made sense, as these kids were trying to kill him. In this one, he blacks out and he just randomly turns crazy after seeing his face. What?

Dorkpool: By the way, not having Jeff go insane at the party, or even go the party, pretty much makes the whole part at the beginning with Barbara saying that Jeff’s family should go to the party kind of useless. Jeff just could’ve been walking around when he felt that pain in his stomach, and the effect would’ve been the same. Instead, we have padding. Say what you will about the original story (and believe me, there’s a lot that can be said), but at least the party invitation did contribute to the plot.

AGrim: Also, they never explain how his brother gets out of Juvie, and they never resolve the characters of the bullies who were beat up. In the original, they had motivations to come and turn Jeff insane, even if they were terrible characters. In this one, they only exist to threaten the characters and then get beat up. I’ve seen more complete Bully character arcs in Stephen King’s It.

Dorkpool: There’s also something else that should be mentioned: that newspaper clip at the beginning. Why is that there? All it really does is let us know that Jeff sucks at killing small children, and that he’ll become Jeff the Killer. The first part wasn’t necessary, and the second part we already know. So, once again, we have padding. Yes, I know, it was in the original story, but you know what else was in the original story? Jeff going to a party and killing people. That’s not in this story now, is it?

AGrim: Anyway, the English is pretty poor, the characters are pretty much the same, it is just plain bad. The only saving grace is that the English is a little, tiny bit better than the original and it is pretty short.

Dorkpoool: This story is kind of disappointing, actually. In my opinion, "Jeff the Killer" is a story that definitely could’ve been good. Sure, a lot would need to change and be rewritten, but it can still be done. However, this story is not the way it should be done. Despite being much shorter than "Jeff the Killer" (which is quite nice), it’s still not very good.

AGrim: Therefore, is this truly worse than "Jeff the Killer"? Probably not, mainly because it isn’t as long. However, it is still a fail of a story that I’d say is pretty close to being as bad as "Jeff Is Back". 2.5/10.

Dorkpool: But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Rifftique good? Do you think we should go to sleep? Leave your thoughts in the comments or whatnot below or where ever they are. Also, take a look at AGrim’s Critiques here: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User:AGrimAuxiliatrix1/My_Critiques

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorkpool read through the files in his quarters. They were intriguing, but also brought up some painful memories that he’d rather stay buried. He might be (in his own words) pretty damn epic and awesome, but he could still have parts of his past that hurt to remember.

That’s partly why he was also looking over the files of other subjects who were part of the Project. At the very least, maybe if he found others who escaped, he could visit them, and say, "Ding dong, the douche is dead," or something.

However, this was proving mildly problematic. There weren’t many people who survived or escaped the Project. Hell, those who survived mostly ended up working for Zorax.

His search didn’t seem to turn up very much, and he was planning of retiring to bed soon. That is, until he saw one name.

"Oh, no," he whispered. "Oh, hell no."

He hoped what he was looking at was a joke. It had to be, right? Seriously, him? That guy?

But it made too much sense. It explained so much.

Yet Dorkpool had hoped that this person was just some bad story, not a real being (or as real as someone in this fictional world he lived in could be; being self-aware was both a blessing and curse sometimes). But if the name on the file was to be believed, then he was real.

He didn’t want to believe it though. He didn’t want to believe that the name displayed on the file was "Jeffery Woods."

"Great," Dorkpool muttered. "We’re in another story arc, and with Jeff the Killer to boot. Yippee fucking skippy."

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Creepypasta Riffs: An Unexpected Reaction

5/2/2015

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He didn’t know where he was this time (some type of alley it seemed), and he didn’t really care. All he knew was the urge, the word, echoing in his head:

Kill.

He had to kill. He’s to do so for as long as he can remember. He doesn’t know why, and he doesn’t really care. He just accepts it.

He’s barely a man, barely past being a boy. However, he doesn’t consider himself a boy or a man. He’s a killer.

He sees a man and a woman walking. The man was strong and muscular, the woman thin and attractive. Looks don’t matter to the killer; all that matters is their deaths.

The killer goes over to the couple, his knife out and gleaming in the moonlight. The man gets in front of the woman, as if to protect her. He clearly doesn’t know what’s going to happen. The killer intends to change that. He leaps at the man, who tells the woman to go while he fights the killer. The woman does so, saying she’ll get help. The man isn’t really paying much attention due to getting attacked.

The man tries to fight the killer, with the killer both respects and dislikes. It makes his work all that much harder. However, with a few well placed knife wounds, the man is rendered incapable of resistance. But he’s still alive, which the killer wants. There’s something he has to say.

"Go to sleep," he whispers in the man’s ear before slitting his throat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorkpool: You know, we don’t talk much about the Spinpasta Wiki.

Mirror: Any reason for that?

Dorkpool: Because most of the Riffs don’t come from there.

Mirror: Why is that?

Dorkpool: Because the Creepypasta Land Wiki exists.

Mirror: True. But we should make jokes about something else.

Dorkpool: Exactly. Hence the Spinpasta Wiki, and this story, "An Unexpected Reaction." So, let’s grow to giant size and Riff this bitch!

Slenderman opened the tent to find that the group of teenagers whom he had been stalking were now dead.

Dorkpool: (Slender Man): God damn it. I knew I should’ve spent more time killing them than stalking them.

And in the far corner was a skinny teenager in a white hoodie and black pants, tearing chunks of flesh from the severed arm of one of them with sharp teeth. His skin was pure white, there were black rings around his eyes, and his mouth was impossibly wide. There was no mistake about it; this was

Mirror: (Narrator): …a crappy Joker wannabe.

Jeff the Killer.

Mirror: Same thing.

And he had beaten The Operator to his prize.

Enraged, Slenderman tore the tent to peices with his tendrils.

Dorkpool: At least he didn’t tear the tent to pieces.

Before Jeff could react, Slenderman knocked him onto the ground with a hyper-extended punch.

Mirror: Not a hyper-realistic punch? Wow, you guys are losing your touch.

Jeff fumbled for his knife and tried to fight back, but Slenderman pinned him to a tree.

Slenderman jabbed his tendrils deep into Jeff's back in an attempt to peirce his organs and kill him.

Dorkpool: We’re spelling "pierce" that way now? So is that band now called "Peirce the Veil".

But Jeff didn't die.

Both: Damn it.

In fact, he wasn't feeling pain at all. He had the odd sensation of energy trickling into his body.

When Slenderman noticed that nothing was happening, he released the boy. He assumed he had merely missed his vital organs and readied his tendrils again.

Jeff noticed that his pants and hoodie now felt tighter. What just happened?

Mirror: He finally hit puberty.

He looked down and saw that he was no longer skinny. His muscles had grown significantly and were starting to fill out his once-loose hoodie. And he felt...stronger. Much stronger.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): He was now strong enough to beat those who mocked his story.

How DID this happen? All he could remember is that Slenderman had stuck his tendrils in him and he had felt something flow into him.

That thought was interrupted by a piercing sensation in his back. Jeff felt energy trickling into him again. Then he put it all together. He somehow now had the ability to draw energy from Slenderman's tendrils into himself.

Mirror: Of course! Wait, what?



Jeff, taking advantage of his newly-discovered ability, started draining power from The Operator at a rapid pace. Slenderman realized something was wrong as he slowly grew weaker and tried to disengage his tendrils, but the force of Jeff's siphoning was just too strong.

Dorkpool: (Jeff): This is for "Jeff the Killer vs Slenderman!"

As he drained more energy from Slenderman, Jeff's muscles swelled further. An amazing rush of power surged through his whole body, and his hoodie, which was once comfortably loose, started to rip apart from the strain of his increasing bulk. His pants were doing the same, thanks to his now Herculean leg muscles.

Mirror: So Jeff the Killer’s now drawn by Rob Liefeld?

Jeff stopped draining, and looked down at his body again. Slenderman was hacking and wheezing. His suit was now slightly greyer, and his body was shaking. "PLEASE...NO MORE...LET ME GO..." he pleaded. It had come to this; he was bowing down to a mortal. But it was either this or possibly face death. He crawled toward the now-enormous youth and weakly grasped his ankle with his claws. "I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE...I'LL DO ANYTHING...JUST...STOP..."

Dorkpool: And so began many erotic fan fictions.

Jeff ignored his pleas, and kicked him in the head. The Operator released his ankle, and fell to the ground again, twitching.

With that rude interruption taken care of, Jeff went back to admiring his glorious new body. He flexed a bicep, and it strained his sleeve. He could distinctly hear fibers rip. He felt the muscle with his other hand, and even through the thick cotton he could tell it was hard as steel. Ah, marvelous. With his flawless white skin, gorgeous face, and new godlike physique, he was truly a work of art. He was even more beautiful than before.

Mirror: Great, now his fangirls are going to orgasm at the sight of him.

He could have taken the tendrils out of his back and left then, but then he had a thought. Why stop here? If he were as strong as Slenderman, he would be truly unstoppable. He could destroy entire cities with his might. He wouldn't have to bother with stalking people and killing them one at a time, he could crush them all at once. He liked this idea. Yes...YES! He needed to have more of this power!

Dorkpool: HE MUST HAVE THE POWWWWWER! JEFF-MAN!

MORE!

"YES! This power...it's incredible! I...MUST...HAVE...MORE!"

His eyes turned blood-red, and his grin became even more distorted. What few shreds of human emotion were left in his already-disturbed mind vanished, and were replaced by a surging hunger. He no longer even remembered Liu.

Mirror: Who?

Dorkpool: No, Liu.

All that mattered was power. More power.

Jeff was no longer human. He was...a beast.

Dorkpool: Is it his rage that Batman likens punk to?



Slenderman doubled over in pain and clutched his chest as the draining started again. "YES! MORE POWER! BIGGER...STRONGER!" roared Jeff as his hoodie and pants ripped off like tissue paper under the strain of his growth, revealing rippling, bulging rock-hard muscles.

Mirror: That’s not the only thing that’s rock hard, if you know what I mean.

Dorkpool: …really? Really?

Mirror: Sorry.

He continued to grow, towering over even the suffering Slenderman, and loomed high over the trees of the forest.

Slenderman was barely alive now. His suit was ashen-gray and his limbs had lost all their elasticity, looking and feeling like long, brittle twigs. Jeff ripped his tendrils out of his back, plucked him out by his collar, and held him in front of his face. Slenderman managed to gather the strength to lift his head to look at his tormenter, and quickly wished he hadn't.

Dorkpool: Hey, it’s how I feel about reading this story.

Jeff was now a 40-foot-tall, freakishly muscular titan.

Mirror: Is this a new anime? "Attack on Jeff."

And there was something...WRONG about his face. It could have been the fact that his carved grin had somehow gotten even wider and more sadistic-looking, but it was probably more due to the fact that his eyes were glowing bright red. "AWWWW, OUT OF JUICE ALREADY?" he said in a voice that sounded like thunder booming.

Dorkpool: (singing): THUNDER!

Mirror: (singing): Oh oh oh ohhhh

Dorkpool: (singing): THUNDER!

"WELL, I KNOW YOU HAVE BROTHERS.

Dorkpool: I thought Slendy was an only child.

THEY WILL GIVE ME *MORE* POWER! I WILL SOON BE THE STRONGEST BEING IN THE UNIVERSE! I SHALL BE A GOD, EVEN GREATER THAN ZALGO HIMSELF! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Mirror: I want to see Zalgo beat Jeff’s ass right now.

Jeff took Slenderman to the tallest, mightiest tree in the forest and tied his tendrils to the top branch. "SORRY TO LEAVE YOU *HANGING*, SLENDY,

Both: Booooooo!

Dorkpool: You’re not funny!

Mirror: Bring on the hot chicks!

BUT I HAVE SOME MORE FEEDING TO DO. I THINK I'LL START WITH THAT FRUITY ONE WITH THE TOP HAT.

Dorkpool: El Catrin?

HAHAHAHA!!!" He walked away, his footsteps causing the earth to shake.

Slenderman had to get out of here. He had to alert his Proxies and the other Slendermen. If they couldn't find a way to stop Jeff, the universe was doomed...

Dorkpool: To be continued…or not. Hopefully not.

Mirror: There’s a sequel.

Dorkpool: God damn it.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: I…what even the fuck is this story? I’m not sure how to react to it. It’s just so stupid and weird.

Mirror: Well, there are quite a few things that suck about it: the spelling isn’t very good, there isn’t much characterization, Jeff’s motivations go from serial killing to genocidal maniac, and Jeff’s new ability isn’t explained at all. Speaking of which, all this story does is set up Jeff’s new powers. That’s it. It doesn’t explain them, just sets them up.

Dorkpool: There are sequels, so the powers might be explained later. As for this story, it’s really hard to figure what to think of it. On the one hand, I think it sucks. On the other, there’s not much I can complain about. Yes, the concept is weird and makes no sense, but it might be explained in the next story. And all this story is really for is setting up Jeff’s powers, the scenario, and the sequel. And it doesn’t do a bad job when it comes to that. Sure, it’s not perfect, and on its own it’s not very good, but since it is just the first part, I’m going to cut it some slack. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d continue Riffing this series (we will, FYI)? Do you wish Jeff would take our powers? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The woman cursed under her breath. Her cell phone wasn’t getting signal, and there seemed to be no one around. Well, that wasn’t quite true. There was that…whatever or whoever that was that’s following her. It’d been a few steps behind her for a while. Maybe that meant it finished off her boyfriend, or maybe it meant he fought it off. She hoped it was the latter.

She couldn’t see the thing that’d been chasing her, and decided to stop for a second to catch her breath.

That was a mistake.

It took only a few seconds for her to be pushed against a wall with a knife under her neck. She was face-to-face with the thing. Its face was white as snow, with eyes ringed in black. However, the thing that was most prominent on its face was its smile. It was cut into the thing’s face, and the cut was puffy and inflamed.

She smelled the thing’s rancid breath, and tried not to gag. Instead, working up every last ounce of courage, she asked, "W-who are you? What are you?"

The thing seemed to think for a second, and said, "Jeff. I’m Jeff."

The woman considered this information. This thing – probably a he – had a name, and will talk to her. Maybe she can reason with him, and convince him not to kill her.

She was about to say something else, something that might make Jeff stop. However, she found out that it’s not very easy to talk when one has a knife lodged in their throat.

She gasped and sputtered as blood started leaking out of her mouth. She heard Jeff say in a strangely distorted voice, "Go to sleep." Was the light that she saw coming from Jeff or her? And why is she seeing her boyfriend? She never got the answer to those questions before she fell to the floor in a pool of ever-expanding blood.

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Creepypasta Riffs: Derek

5/1/2015

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Dorkpool: For some reason, “Jeff  the Killer” is popular character and story.

Mirror: People like talking about crap.

Dorkpool: And people like the story.

Mirror: …ok.

Dorkpool: And people have decided to copy the story in their own special and sucky way. Like today’s story simply called “Derek.” So let’s make Tony Stark proud, and Riff this bitch!

There was once a boy named Derek Rell.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): Until the operation, that is.

He was about seventeen years old and lived with his father, Jack Rell, they don't know what happened to his mother.

Mirror: She ran off before he was born.

However, Jack was not a good father, normally coming home drunk and angry and abusing Derek even when he was sober.

Dorkpool: (Jack): That’s what you get for being sober!

Mirror: (Derek): Please! I’m sorry!

Dorkpool: (Jack): No! You must be like Tony Stark!

Derek got on the bus to go to school. As the bus was pulling away, Jack walked out of the house stumbling with a bottle of booze in his hand. "Great" Derek thought to himself "he's drunk again".

Mirror: Don’t you just hate when that happens?

Jack stumbled to the bus and started screaming "Hey Derek?! Derek Rell?! What did you do with my ointment?!"

Mirror: Why does he call Derek by his last name?

Dorkpool: Who knows?  I’m just wondering why he thinks Derek would have his ointment.

The kids laughed on the bus as as Derek crawled under his bus seat in shame. Jack then collapses as the bus pulls away.

Dorkpool: That probably isn’t the weirdest place Jack’s collapsed.

Derek was sulking on his bus seat as the other kid's laughing slowly died down. Franklin, a bully who hates Derek for stopping him from hurting a five year old.

Mirror: Oh, I can tell that we’re going to love Derek, mostly because all the other characters are unlikable.

"What's up Derek? Did your life just get worse?" He said. Derek didn't respond and Franklin slammed Derek's head against the bus window. "Answer me!" Franklin roared.

Dorkpool: What the hell? Did Franklin’s psychotic and angry personality just pop up?

"Yes" "Really? Well then, I just want to tell you something" "what?" "Meet me behind the school after class, so I can give you your daily beating".

Mirror: (Derek): With the cattle prod and the whip?

Dorkpool: (Franklin): Yep. Maybe if you’re good, I’ll put out a cigarette on your arm.

Derek sighed as he got off the bus and left for school. He had a bad day, with Franklin bullying him and just general bad luck.

Dorkpool: (Derek): I should never have broken those mirrors!

After school he went behind it and waited for Franklin to arrive. Franklin sneaked up behind him and shoved him to the ground.

Franklin got a rock and bashed it into Derek's head. Franklin pulled up Derek and punched him in the face. He then choked Derek and kicked him in the face until he was bleeding and walked away.

Mirror: I’d feel bad, but you were told where and when to go for this. You knew this would happen. It’s your own damn fault for going there.

Derek limped back five miles down home. His father met him there. "Why are you late!?!" Jack screamed. "I was beat up at school and missed the bus Jack!" replied Derek.

Dorkpool: (Jack): Are you sober?

Mirror: (Derek): Yes?

Dorkpool: (Jack): Then you get the belt!

Jack pulled out his belt and beat Derek and grounded him for the month.

Derek was kept up by Jack screaming and breaking things in a drunken stupor. When Derek finally fell asleep he only got an hour to sleep. Jack woke him up with a devilish grin. "Why are you smiling?" Derek said, still half asleep.

Dorkpool: (Jack): Because I’m drunk off my ass.

"You know what day it is" Jack said. "What day?"

Both: Hump daaaaay!

Derek said. "Beating day".

Mirror: Isn’t that kind of a normal day for him?

Derek gasped as Jack tackled him and hurt him for the whole morning. He then sent him to school.

When Derek arrived, he was bullied by Franklin. Soon it was lunch time. Derek pulled out the home lunch he had packed. He saw only food scraps inside and a picture with Jack grinning while eating his lunch.

Dorkpool: I love how Jack actually took the extra effort to take a picture of himself eating his son’s lunch. Just shows how much of an asshole he is.

Derek sighed and went behind a locker to sulk.

He went to class and got the report from his teacher that he is flunking the class and will need to go to summer school. And to make matters worse, Franklin was the only other person going to summer school.

Mirror: Hijinks ensue!

Once school was done, he went behind the school, waiting for his daily beating. Franklin walked up with a happy smile. "Hey buddy! I'm not going to beat you today, I'm just going to give you this tape!"

Dorkpool: (Franklin): It’s a sex tape!

Derek looked at the tape and said "but what if I don't" he said.

Both: What if he doesn’t what?

Franklin's happy smile turned to a frown. "Watch it or I will kill you". Derek saw there was no way around it, he had to watch it. He popped it into his t.v and started The video.

It showed Franklin, with Derek's girlfriend. "Hello Derek, here is my girlfriend" they made out. Derek shed a single tear and kept watching. Franklin grabbed a gun and shot his girlfriend dead.

Mirror: Well, now he can get Franklin sent to jail for murder.

The video ended.

Derek broke down crying. If one more thing happened to him, he would snap. Jack walked in, sober. "Hello Derek" Jack said "what do you want?" Derek replied. "Well there is something I've been meaning to tell you"

Dorkpool: (Jack): I’m pregnant!

Jack said in a ominous tone "You know how your mother is dead?" Derek was suspicious. Jack continued "Well I killed her. Why you may ask?

Mirror: (Derek): Actually, I was wondering why you’re telling me this. I can call the police and have you arrested.

Just to make you more and more miserable!" Jack manically laughed and walked away.

Dorkpool: No doubt twirling his moustache and adjusting his monocle.

Something inside Derek broke that day. Something snapped. He had lost all sense of love or remorse.

Mirror: (singing):  What is love? Derek doesn’t know, oh no.

He could no longer comprehend the difference between good and evil, right or wrong, no limits; no boundaries. He decided he was going to get revenge.

Dorkpool: Good idea. Call the police, and say that Franklin killed your girlfriend and that your father is abusive and killed your mother.

He had brought Franklin home saying they were gonna fight.

Dorkpool: Or you can be a moron. Your choice.

Derek then strangled Franklin and tackled him and knocked him into their pool. He then repeatedly bashed Franklin's head against the pool floor until he was bleeding and then choked him. Soon, Franklin tried to breath, with water filling his body. He then finally and painfully died.

Mirror: Remember, kids: murder is always the answer.

Derek walked into the house, waiting for Jack to stumble in drunk and get his revenge. Derek picked up a kitchen knife from the kitchen and waited.

Jack stumbled inside drunk and with a bottle of vodka. Derek tackled Jack and stabbed him in the stomach.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): More accurately, he stabbed Jack in the liver. He didn’t do anything worse to it than what Jack already does.

Jack screamed in pain as Derek ripped his bottle out of his hand and smashed it into Jack's face. Jack is in massive pain and screaming in a mixture of pain, fear, and guilt. Derek stabbed him again and again and again and again.

Mirror: So is Jack supposed to be a stand-in for Julius Caesar?

Jack screamed in pain and looked up, his face covered in blood, at his once nice son, turned sociopathic nightmare. The once good boy was gone.

Dorkpool: (Narrator): He had taken a trip to Disney Land.

"Derek" Jack coughed up. "I'm so so sorry. I will never abuse you again! I'll be better if you just give me a chance! Just please spare me!" Derek didn't care.

Mirror: He loved it.

The time for apologies is over, Derek has been reduced to an insane man with no mercy. Derek stabbed Jack in both of his eyes and left him there to slowly bleed out.

Dorkpool: The true origin of Eyeless Jack.

A man had arrived at his new house next to Derek's. The man had went into his bed, planning to unpack in the morning. He then woke up to see a man at his door, wielding a knife.

Mirror: The Jehovah’s Witnesses have gotten homicidal.

END RIFF

Dorkpool: This story sucks. A lot.

Mirror: The spelling and grammar are awful, the characters are either unlikable or uninteresting, the plot is “Jeff the Killer” made stupider, and there are plot holes deep enough to fall into. Actually, I should talk a bit more about the characters: the side characters are made to be assholes and just cartoonishly terrible people just so that the main character can seem pitiable and understandable. Yeah, that’s not how to do it. You want to make the main character likable, and the side characters/douchebags understandable despite being douchebags. However, when a character says he committed murder just to make his son’s life more miserable, then it’s obvious you’ve failed.

Dorkpool: I once went to script writing class a while ago. The person teaching the class said something that still sticks with me: you don’t want everything to suck for the main character. You don’t want every event in their life to be horrible and crappy, or else it will just be laughable. This is a prime example of that. We see no good parts of Derek’s life, just a lot of crap. And it’s actually unintentionally funny. The piles of crap just heaped on this guy, and the bad guys who are so bad that they belong in a Saturday morning cartoon, are just funny as hell. Granted, this is a story with child abuse, so I shouldn’t be laughing, but the abuse itself is pretty underplayed; we’re told that Derek’s abused more than we see it. So I don’t feel that bad for laughing. This story is a good example of “so bad it’s good.” Yes, it’s poorly written and has characters that are basically living stereotypes. Yes, it’s incredibly stupid. But I honestly had a bit of fun reading it and laughing. So, either I’m finally starting to crack from  reading so many bad Creepypasta stories, or it actually is funny. I’d like to think the latter is true. But all of this is what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish someone would kill someone just to make our lives miserable? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

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