However, for this bi-annual, I wanted to do something a bit different and special. So, I’ve decided to compile a list of top ten worst stories that have been Riffed or reviewed (by reviewed, I mean stuff on the “Dork Report.” For those who don’t know, it’s a review thing I do on the Creepypasta Wiki that I really need to do more of).
Now, as the Riffs and such go on, my opinions on these things might change. But for now, here are the worst of the worst, the crap that really stands out from the usual crap that’s been Riffed. These are the Top Ten Worst Stories I’ve Riffed/Reviewed.
10) “Slender Man Vs. Eyeless Jack”
This was, for a time, my least favorite Creepypasta story. And it was for a good reason too. It ignored the canon of both Slender Man and Eyeless Jack; had the characters make rather stupid and confusing decisions (seriously, why exactly did Slender Man do a body-switch with Jack?); seemed to focus on the title characters, then some teenagers, then the title characters, then some conspiracy involving parents not disclosing knowledge about the title entities; had bad spelling and grammar; was longer than how teenage boys make out their schlongs to be; and had an ending that just adds to the stupid.
This one of the earliest stories I Riffed, back when the Riffs were exclusive to the Creepypasta Wiki, and written with my commentary not separated by paragraphs. At the time, I hadn’t done very much, so I was angry at this story for how awful it was. Looking bad, it’s not the worst thing ever, and I do feel bad for being so mean to it since the author put a lot of work into it, but it’s still not very good, which is why it’s on this list.
9) “Lil’ Miss Rarity”
I hate this story so much. It was one of the worst Riffing experiences of my life. The story was just so very long. I thought it wouldn’t end.
Outside of the length, it’s just a fucked up story. It’s like someone said, “Hey, you know what would be great? If we added masochism and incest to MLP!” but then someone else said, “There’s probably God knows how much porn like that on the Internet,” causing the first guy to say, “Fine, then I’ll try making it a Creepypasta!” But seriously, the biggest things to remember about this story is that someone wrote a story based on a kids show starring ponies and added incest, masochism, and lesbianism. (Well, ok, there’s nothing wrong with the last one, except that it’s combined with the first two)
So, you might be wondering why this is at number 9 if I hate it so much. Well, simple: the spelling and grammar, for the most part, was pretty good, there was some characterization, and it was clear there was honest effort put into the story. But it still sucks, which is why it’s here.
8) “The Build-A-Bear Workshop Massacer” (Parts 1 and 2)
Ah, Mr.dead1. A guy who can’t write, but still tries. It’s kind of admirable, actually. No, seriously. Kudos. However, a piece of advice: get a dictionary and someone to proofread your work, ok? Or else you’ll end up with this story.
I constantly use this story (well, the first part) as an example of bad Creepypasta. It’s poorly written, has no characterization (we don’t even find out the main character’s name until part 2, and that’s only told to us in a “This has a name. Gasp! That’s my name” kind of way), and is just so stupid. However, the reason it’s up here and not any lower is because, despite all that, it’s kind of fun in a stupid way. So, despite being awful, it’s still a bizarrely fun read.
7) “The Jungle Book VHS Cover”
The Nostalgia Critic seems to consider the Matrix movies the height of pretentious writing. Clearly, he’s never read this story.
There’s having a large vocabulary, there’s purple prose, and then there’s this story. By the Preservers’ pants, this story. It is so overwritten that it’s honestly hard to tell what’s going on during certain points. And when you can, it’s really kind of cliché. It’s a gorefest in the world of the Jungle Book. That is the best way to describe it. And apparently it’s all a dream or something. Yeah, it’s confusing as hell. But unlike the previous story, this one is not fun to read. It’s downright torture, actually.
6) “Clockwork: Your Time Is Up”
For the longest time, I had been looking for this story. I found the story, but had no way to copy and paste it, and I sure as hell wasn’t writing the damn thing for a Riff. I did eventually find a way to Riff it, and it was awful. I’d read the story before, and knew it was bad, but when you Riff or review something, you analyze it a bit more, and realize just how much it absolutely sucks. I mean, having incest in your story usually drops it down a few points (unless you’re HumboldtLycanthrope, but he’s sort of the master of fucked up stories), but then having the story literally be a retelling of “Jeff the Killer” (for the most part) but with a new OC – er, I mean, character. Actually, no I don’t. Anyway, having it be “Jeff the Killer,” but with [insert OC here] makes it so much worse. Also, it’s just such a long, drawn out story. It’s fine if there was some character development, but the only one who has some sort of character is Clockwork, and it’s basically “misunderstood, artistic teen with crappy home life who goes nuts.” Everyone else is just a varying degree of asshole.
This story stands as one of the more infamous Jeff wannabes, and for obvious reasons. Speaking of Jeff…
5) “Jeff the Killer.”
You might be wondering why this story isn’t at number one, or at least number two. Well, because, honestly, it isn’t the worst. Seriously. I’ve read stories with worse plots, worse spelling and grammar, and worse everything. Hell, quite a few are based on “Jeff.” The reason it’s on here, and at this part, is because of how popular it got, and what it led to. If this were some obscure, forgotten story, it probably wouldn’t be this low on the list. Hell, it might not even be on the list.
However, “Jeff” has led to some awful, awful stories. Its mere existence has spawned so much trash. And add to that the fact that “Jeff” is one of the more well-known Creepypasta stories/characters, and you have the main reason why it’s here. It has less to do with the story itself, and more to do with its fame and what it spawned.
The story still sucks though. Just saying.
4) “White the Killer”/ “Max the Killer”
I’m putting these two together because they’re both as bad in my opinion. And, honestly, they’re both Jeff knockoffs. One just has Jeff, Laughing Jack, and Ticci Toby in it, and one doesn’t. Other than, they’re both basically the same.
Now, the biggest reason they’re this low is because they have some of the worst spelling and grammar I have ever seen. It’s like the writer wasn’t quite sure how the English language works. This made for some rather confusing and stupid stories. There’s not much else to say. The plot sucks, the spelling and grammar sucks, everything sucks in these two.
It’s not often you can make a drinking game from how unoriginal a story is. However, you can with this story, and I did. Oh, how I dislike this story. From it’s poor spelling and grammar to the fact that it basically uses every pasta cliché in the book. You want the word “hyper-realistic?” It’s there. You want a being with weird eyes? It’s there. You want a being with a weird smile? It’s there. The color red? It’s there. Reversed music? It’s there. Idiotic protagonist? Also there. Actually, I really, really, REALLY hate the main character of this story. He’s such a moron. I have absolutely no sympathy for what happens to him. I mean, he receives a game in the mail from his friend telling him not to play it, and instead destroy it. So what does this moron do? Play it. And even after seeing a whole bunch of weird shit, he still plays it. Like I said, moron. What’s worse is that there’s a sequel. Speaking of which…
2) “Sonic.exe: Round 2”
Ok, this might be cheating, but both of these stories needed to be on this list. They’re both so awful. And somehow, this manages to be worse than its predecessor. While it doesn’t engage in as many clichés as the first one, it makes up for that in stupidity. We have a duo of sibling detectives (a brother and sister), and the main character, the brother, gets a journal for his birthday from his sister. In it, he proceeds to document the stupidity that is this story, and write like a twelve year old. And not even one who’s any good at writing. He uses “rly” instead of “really.” I am not making this up. As for the story itself, we find out that the Sonic.exe game is possessed by an entity from another dimension called X who causes people to end up in vegetative states by taking their souls (seriously). Also, the police are incompetent (which is normal for bad Creepypasta), there’s a cult dedicated to X, and so very many plot holes. And, to make it even worse, it’s much longer than the first story. I’ve tried Riffing it on two or three different occasions, but couldn’t finish. It was that awful.
This wouldn’t be so bad if the author knew that these stories were awful. But the writer of these pieces of garbage, JC the Hyena, lives in this delusional world where his stories have millions of fans, and those who hate the stories are just furry haters. Yeah. Seriously.
Listen, JC, writing a rant saying that the Creepypasta Wiki is full of assholes who took down your story doesn’t make anyone take you seriously. It makes you seem like a whiny, self-entitled baby. You’re basically the author equivalent of Justin Bieber.
You say your stories are great. That’s nice. But remember the golden rule in writing: Show, don’t tell. Don’t tell us your story is good. Show us that it is. And if you can’t, don’t blame it on the readers, blame it on yourself, and rewrite the thing.
Now, there are a lot of bad stories that didn’t make the list, and I’d like to mention them here. So, Dishonorable Mentions go to:
I really do love BIONICLE. But it’s apparent the writer of this story doesn’t. He also doesn’t seem to like the English language very much, based on how much he ignores it. Really, the only reason it didn’t make the list is because it’s your average kind of bad. Hell, I only remember it because it’s a BIONICLE Creepypasta.
“Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions: Zombie Level”
This is very similar to “Dead Bionicles,” since both have awful spelling and grammar and do a stupid lost game story. However, this one feels really lazy. I’ve Riffed about four Spider-Man Creepypasta stories, and this is one of the worst. Not only is it not scary, but it’s also pretty generic. “Spider-Man: Are You Happy Now?” may have bad spelling and grammar, but it did have a unique idea. This one…not so much.
Nearly Ever “Jeff the Killer” Wannabe
There are a lot of JTK wannabes, and I only included the most atrociously memorable ones. However, I’m adding this here because, honestly, most JTK wannabes are just terrible.
This was the first story I Riffed on my site, and it’s pretty bad. However, it’s supposed to be a troll, so that should cut it some slack. Yeah, even as a troll, it still sucks. So it’s here.
And finally, the worst Creepypasta Riffed/reviewed so far is…
1) “Pythor’s Suicide”
It’s not the worst written story. It’s not the stupidest story. No, the reason it’s number one is because it’s the laziest story.
I have read quite a few stories that have ripped off other stories, but none that have done so like this one. The other stories at least have different characters and try telling the story differently. This one doesn’t. It’s literally “Squidward’s Suicide,” but with some words changed. This isn’t even an exaggeration. The writer literally copied and pasted “Squidward’s Suicide,” changed a few words, and called it something new. Hell, the word “Squidward” is left in there at one point.
I don’t care if it’s technically a parody. Parodies are supposed to be funny, or at least somewhat different from the original. This story is the height of laziness. If it’s supposed to be funny, then, as a comedian, I’m offended. If it’s supposed to be serious, then, as a writer of Creepypasta, I’m offended.
No effort was put into that story. It was just a cheap copy and paste with some minor changes. That’s why I hate it so much, and why it’s at number one. Not because it has the worst writing, because it doesn’t. Not because it has the stupidest ideas or characters, because it doesn’t. No, it’s because it has the least effort and least passion. On the plus side, it does have the most plagiarism.
So yeah, these are my Top 10 Worst Creepypasta Stories I’ve Riffed/Reviewed (yes, I had to capitalize all that). Anyway, what do you guys think? Do you agree? Disagree? Think that having both “Sonic.exe” stories fill the #2 and #3 slots was cheating? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.