“Um, June 30th?” Indo guessed.
“Tuesday?” Mirror guessed.
“Well, you’re both right. But no, today marks an important milestone for me: it’s my birthday!” Dorkpool said.
Both Indo and Mirror looked shocked, and immediately felt guilty because they had absolutely no idea. Dorkpool picked up on it.
“You guys didn’t know, did you?”
“Pfft, of course we did. What kind of friends would be if we didn’t?” they both said. (Well, something similar, and at different times.)
Dorkpool just stared at them.
“Ok, yeah, we didn’t know.” Indo said.
“In all defense, you never told us before.” Mirror said.
“I figured you would have the same birthday I do.” Dorkpool said.
“Actually, mine is July 3rd.” Mirror said.
“Go figure. Oh well. Even if you guys didn’t know, and therefore didn’t get me anything, I still got the greatest gift of all.”
“Friendship?” Mirror asked.
“Love?” Indo asked.
“What? No. A kickass starship and awesome crew. Anyway, come on, Mirror. We’ve got a Rifftique to do.” Dorkpool said.
“Rifftique? Like, with AGrim?” Mirror asked.
“Yep, that’s the one.”
“Oh, so you’re letting me do one now?”
“Well, yeah. I’ve grown since the Jeff arc. Before, I was a narcissistic prick who broke the fourth wall.”
“I’m a slightly less narcissistic prick who occasionally breaks the fourth wall.”
“Truly, you’ve experienced a great change.”
“Yeah. Anyway, come on, we’ve got a Rifftique to do.”
Dorkpool: Ever play League of Legends?
Dorkpool: Well, the -
AGrim: Who's that?
Mirror: Who? Me?
Mirror: An alternate universe version of Dorkpool who rules said universe.
AGrim: Ooook then.
Dorkpool: I beat a skull headed conqueror through the power of smartassery (well, sort of) and got my tongue cut out by Jeff the Killer. This is pretty standard around here.
AGrim: If you say so. Moving onto other matters, this is a story about League of Legends, a game I know relatively little about. While some would criticize why I am looking at a story about a game that I’m not familiar with, I think it could help me criticize the story fairly by seeing if it actually explains any details around the game.
Mirror: And considering none of us know a thing about the game, we might be pretty lost.
Dorkpool: Hey, I know something about League of Legends.
Dorkpool: The first letters of each word spells LOL.
AGrim: Now, looking at the way this person writes, I don’t think that is the case.
Dorkpool: Can’t be much worse than “Max the Killer.” Or “White the Killer.” Or most Jeff the Killer knockoffs.
AGrim: Not much else to say here. Let’s take a look at, “League of Legends Patch 6.66”.
Dorkpool: Or, in other words, let’s play a game that spells out “LOL” and Riff this bitch!
One day i was really bored at my house when and i decided to play my favorite game
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Superman 64.
AGrim: You beat me to the punch, as I was going to say Aquaman: Battle For Atlantis.
league of legends because i was so bored. however the launcher failed to open up and a prompt opened up that told me that the game was unable to open up. i decided to check the program in my folder and i realized that somehow the asset needed to run the game got deleted when i was deleting a virus from my computer. since i was a student in computer science class
Mirror: Though you’re obviously not in English class.
i knew how to write a code for a program that would repair the file so i dragged it into the folder so i could play a game of league of legend. now that my file had everything it needed i decided to open the game and it looked like it was going to work... if only i knew how wrong i was. upon the game starting, i was shocked to see that everything was in negative colors except for the champions eyes which were pure white and bleding realistic blood
Dorkpool: Say it. Just fucking say it. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SAY IT, DAMN IT! JUST FUCKING SAY IT!
Mirror: Dude, calm down!
Dorkpool: NO! I WON’T CALM DOWN BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT THE WRITER WANTS TO SAY “HYPER-REALISTIC,” BUT WON’T!
AGrim: Hey, at least he said “bleding”.
Mirror: You’re not helping.
that was a eerie shade of white instead of regular red like usual. there was no text on the page and no button to launch the program so i just decided to click on a picture to my surprise the game immediately crashed and i was about to restart the program when the game booted up again and i was surprised to see that the logo was normal and seemed to be fine. but then it went back to being weird again because the game was in negative colors again when it started and the only text said "explore patch 6.6.6"
Mirror: Now you’re playing with Satanism.
i did'nt remember updating my client to that one but i was curious anyways and clicked on it.
To my surprise instead of opening the riot website it took me to a pop-up that had the champion annie but she was crying tears of blood and holding her bear tibbers but instead of being regular her bear was headless and she was only holding the head.
AGrim: Since I haven’t actually played LoL, this is completely meaningless to me.
Dorkpool: Since I know the English language, this story is completely meaningless to me.
This shocked me so much that i closed it and when i did the league game had gone into the player menu i was shocked again to see that the game only had twisted treeline, the creepiest stage in the game. All other options were crossed out in blank, leaving an eerie blank square where the option should be. even scarier the solo option was replaced with a text box that said DIE and looked like it was written in blood
Dorkpool: (Narrator): And, even worse, in comic sans!
but luckily the party option was still available so i joined it and checked my friend list. coincidentially my friends from my computer class kevin and peter were online and not playing a game so i invited them to play a game with me. They immediately accepted and i was able to use my google+ haangout feature to talk with them so we could better comunicate in the game we were playing.
Mirror: Yes, excuse me, MrAngryDog called. He said that only he does the unnecessary advertising around here.
However when i joined their voices were replaced with weird robotic noises that sounded like talking in reverse, and i had to play the game without voice chat in real time. I could of sworn that I heard them saying "you killed me..." but i was sure that it was just my imagianation.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I hear voices saying that I killed them all the time. It’s nothing new.
AGrim: I wouldn’t be surprised if it went that route. I mean, this story lacks any “imagianation”.
then things suprised me once again when on the champion menu every character's profile was replacd with skulls and they all looked like skeletons.
I figured i must have left all of my skins on since i owned every one in the game (I'm actually platinum if you didn't already know) and that it was all just skeleton skins that i forgot to turn off. i decided to ignore it and play as my favorite champion garren. he had the bloodknight skin (which i got free from the facebook promotion)
Mirror: (Narrator): By annoying my friends with game requests.
going on but had a face covered in blood with the most realistic drawing of blood i ever saw on his armor. i knew that they had updated the splash art so this wasn't weird to me, so i started the game as usual. The loading screen was regular except for everyone having a bloodnight skin and being covered in more blood than i remember. All of the names on the other team were all named Riot_Death and which is weird because you can’t have files with all of the names the same. As soon as my champ spawned i noticed somethng was weird once again. While all my other 3 friends spawned i did not see garen on the screen and all of the information boxes were blank. I tried messaging my friends ethan and peter but their only response was you killed me in a eerie helvetica font that i had never seen before.
suddenly the screen went dark and when it came too it showed garin surrounded by the bloody annie from earlier but he was tied up in her magic trap and had a rag covering his mouth.
he was slouching over on his knees like one of those hostages you see in a movie and instead of saying “for demacia’ he was screaming in a muffled breath. Then annie picked up his sword from behind garren’s back and violently stabbed his back. I stood up in my seat hoirified by what i just saw. Next, anne picked up th sword again and violently decapitated Garen in the most realistic animation that I’ve ever seen. shocked i turned off of the moniter and tried to unplug the computer, before i did it though i turned back and saw Annie staring at me and mutering “You’re next” through the computer speakers.
Mirror: By the Preservers’ pants!
Mirror: The writer actually used the right “you’re.”
AGrim: Don’t get your hopes up too much. He still doesn’t know how to spell “muttering”, “monitor”, or “horrified”.
Mirror: Hey, that’s still pretty impressive.
Before i could unplug it though my brother Kevin was behind me and said “hey don’t unplug that! I had a report for my computer sciene class that i forgot to save!”
AGrim: Well, glad that this plotline was established right now. Clearly, it will add much more to the magnificence of this story.
I turned around and said to him “I’m sorry but the computer is acting up and i need to reboot it. “What are you talking about?” he said, pointing to the computer which was back to my regular nyan cat wallpaper that i had.
Dorkpool: You know, we’ve had League of Legends Creepypastas, Sonic Creepypastas, Spider-Man Creepypastas, but not Nyan Cat Creepypastas. This needs to change.
I had no idea how that had happened, but I decided to take a walk to clear my mind. When i left the ouse though i was afraid that i was leaving my league of legens game running ad if i didn’t go back i would get a leaver’s penalty.
Luckily by that time kevin had already seved his project so i could go back on. I was even more suprised to see that upon returning my game was showing the regular victory screen and had gone back to normal. I knew the whole time that Kevin and Peter could carry me when i was afk but i was glad nonetheless. However when i tried to go back home the application crashed again. I decided to reopen the program folder to see what was wrong and was suprised to see a file lableled Annie.jpeg that i don’t remember creating to fix the game.
Mirror: (Narrator): I opened it, and learned much more than I ever wanted to about human anatomy.
AGrim: No, you have to spell “opened” as “opneded” and “anatomy” as “antamy” in order to properly replicate this narrator.
Then i realized that my brother Kevin must have made this to scare me, and that it was his computer science project. releived i put the folder into the recycling and when it asked me if i was sure to delete it i tried to click yes. however, i misclicked and accidentially pressed the no button which re-opened the program. once again the application opened annie’s bloody face with clear eyes filled the screen and i tried to x it out.
but instead of closing she just laughed in that backwards robotic voice and said “you deleted me… you’re next”.
AGrim: Well, this certainly isn’t cliché in any way, right?
I screamed and tried to unplug the computer again but it was somehow continuing without power. the lights began to flicker and i was out of the corner of my eye i saw a little girl that looked exactly like Annie except she was wearing tibber’s decapicated head as a mask coming out of my television set. Frantically i opened up my antivirus software and began to scan. “NOOOOOOOOoooooo” shouted annie’s face on the screen as she began to disintegrate.
Mirror: By the power of Norton, you shall be destroyed!
AGrim: Well, that was a relatively easy solution.
Suddenly what i can only describe as a real life a gory baron-nashtooth popped out of my tv screen and swallowed the Annie girl whole! Once the scan was complete it told me that annie.jpeg was deleted and that my computer was back to normal. I just stood still for 15 seconds still shocked at what just happened and then I pressed ok.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): In case you’re wondering, yes, I did count.
Wanting to make sure everything was good, I reopened my league of legends profile and was happy to see that it was all normal now. However, as soon as i got back on,my 3 friends from earlier had invited me to join them once again on twisted treeline, and i joined since I knew there was nothing to be afraid of anymore. However, Ethan then messaged me and said “thx for the annie you sent me, with that free bloodknight skin.” Oh no…..
Mirror: We can hope…
AGrim: At least he didn’t put a, “PRT 2 COMMING SOON!!!!!!”
AGrim: I’ll be honest here. This story does so many things wrong and has so many terrible elements to it, with tons of clichés and no comprehension of the English language. That is exactly why I think this story is actually pretty hilarious.
Dorkpool: Eh, it’s honestly pretty common for me and Mirror.
Mirror: Seriously, this is par for the course in terms of crap. Cliché, illiterate writing, stupidity, all these things aren’t exactly unfamiliar to us.
AGrim: As a story, it is indeed terrible, and I can’t say much about that matter that a reader who takes a quick glance at it cannot see. However, for the most part, I enjoyed it in that, “So bad, it’s good” kind of way. It isn’t a true, terrible classic or anything, but I can say I was never bored.
AGrim: Unlike “1999” or, say, “Lil’ Miss Rarity”…
Dorkpool: Or “NES Godzilla.”
AGrim: Oh, god yes. Anyway, this story makes fun of itself and makes little sense to even the most incompetent person (except the person who actually wrote this in the first place).
Mirror: Well, there went my plan of getting Glenn Beck to try deciphering this story.
AGrim: I can’t really grade this on my normal scale because it really doesn’t belong on the scale. Yes, it does a ton of things wrong and is technically a terrible story, but I feel as though it belongs in a category with other good-bad material.
Dorkpool: Like “Killer Luna” or “Derek.”
AGrim: I’ll just settle for a NA/10, meaning that this story is not applicable for this sort of rating system.
Dorkpool: However, it is applicable to the Riff Rating System (RRS, trademark pending), which basically amounts to saying that this story sucks. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Rifftique good? Do you wish we’d all play some haunted game? Leave your thoughts in the comments, or whatever you use to tell AGrim that “Squidward’s Suicide” and “NES Godzilla” are so totally awesome, below.
(Check out AGrim's Critiques here: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User:AGrimAuxiliatrix1/My_Critiques)
This is the part where we usually have a story arc part or whatnot. But since there’s no story arc going on, and that little story part at the beginning was just for fun, I, the writer of these Riffs, have decided to tell you readers about a common problem: haunted games. Haunted games are a real problem facing today’s youth. Kids think it’s “cool” and “hip” to play haunted games. But the truth is, it’s not. To prove it, we’ve got a story sent in from a former haunted game player today.
It’s from someone who simply wishes to be known as Tom, who says, “It was my friend who got me into haunted games. He sent me one, with explicit instructions to destroy it. However, since I’m a complete moron, I decided to play it, and it completely ruined my life. Even if it was Sonic, which I do love, I should never have played it.”
Don’t end up like Tom. Don’t be an absolute moron. Don’t play haunted games.
This has been a PSA from the writer of “Creepypasta Riffs.”