An investigative report by Alan McDermitt
INTRODUCTION
“Creepypasta Riffs.” That term might not mean much to the average reader, but it meant something to me once upon a time. On January 31, 2015, a guy named Dorkpool started making fun of bad Creepypasta by making jokes throughout the story. Over time, he’d find some friends to riff with, and the three of them would get into bizarre adventures. They’d fight interdimensional warlords, not-so-fictional killers, and insane supervillains, all while taking the time to make jokes about bad writing.
And then, one day, they vanished. Specifically, they vanished near the end of one of their adventures, leaving their fate a mystery. I’d been wondering about this for years, and decided to find out what happened to them.
PART 1: SYLVIA
The Creepypasta Riffs crew was made up of three people: Dorkpool, the guy who started the riffs; Mirror Dorkpool (shortened to “Mirror”), an alternate universe version of Dorkpool who came to our universe and became friends with his alternate universe self; and Sylvia Ann Sylvia, an employee of sorts to Dorkpool. Finding information on the first two was difficult. Dorkpool was MIA and no one was entirely sure which universe Mirror was even in. There were rumors, but nothing concrete. However, with some digging, I was able to contact Sylvia Ann Sylvia. Thankfully, she was kind enough to agree to an interview.
She allowed me to come over to her home for the interview. Her home, a small but cozy apartment, was decorated with pictures of her and her girlfriend, Brandy. When she noticed me looking at them, Sylvia said, “What can I say? I love my girlfriend.”
Sylvia and Brandy had met around 2019, about a year after the riffs had ended.
“After I was able to stop living on a spaceship and running for my life from various different weirdoes, I found it a lot easier to date. I ended up going back to school, where I met Brandy. We were both majoring in Music Theory and had some courses together. She was way better at it than me, and I’d ask her to help me study. Over time, I got better at it, but pretended to need help so we could spend more time together. Eventually, I told her how I felt, and the rest is history.”
I asked if Brandy knew about what Sylvia was doing before she went back to school.
“A bit. I didn’t tell her too much because, honestly, it sounds bonkers as hell. I only told her about the fact that I knew Jeff the Killer when he got tied up in that whole ‘Cruiseypasta’ thing.”
Fair enough. Some of the stories are wild. It stands in stark contrast to a lot of Sylvia’s own life.
Born to Eric and Joanna Sylvia, Sylvia Ann Sylvia was, for the most part, your average girl. However, due to how odd her name was, she learned over time to develop thick skin.
“If you have a silly name, school’s already a pain. If you come out as gay, it gets a lot worse,” Sylvia told me. She came out in high school, and while her family was supportive, her classmates weren’t. However, she made it through high school and started college, where she was able to find some brief love with a woman named Melissa. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t last too long.
“We just weren’t right for each other,” Sylvia said. “I think she was still uncomfortable with the idea of being gay, and that drove a wedge between us. It…it really hurt at the time.”
Shortly after the breakup, Sylvia briefly dropped out of college, as she felt school wasn’t right for her. Instead, she looked for employment, which is where she stumbled upon a job listing for, “making fun of things on a spaceship.”
“I initially thought it was a joke,” Sylvia said of the listing. “I mean, a spaceship? Really?”
“So why’d you take it?” I asked.
Sylvia shrugged. “If it was legit, it was certainly an interesting thing to put on a resume.”
As luck would have it, it was most definitely legit. It was there that she would meet Dorkpool, and begin riffing.
Of Dorkpool, she said, “My first impression of him was that he was kind of smelly. I met him after he’d had a bad breakup, and he wasn’t taking it well. He was drinking a lot, and I don’t think he bathed in a few weeks. He also just seemed lonely. I think that’s part of why he put out the ad; he drove everyone else away and needed some company. Dude was kind of weird, if I’m being honest. He always wore this Deadpool mask with glasses. Apparently it was stuck to his face or something. He also talked and made jokes all the time. Part of the job, I guess, but even off the clock he was like that. Still, weird or not, he wasn’t terrible company, and with everything that had happened in my life up ‘til then, it was nice to be away from, well, everything.
“Dorkpool and I riffed for about a week before he got a bug up his ass and decided to find Mirror, his alternate universe self. I should’ve been more weirded out, but I quickly learned to just go with it.
“Mirror had this little goatee on his mask that I always found funny. I met him after he was dealing with a lot of shit. I think people from his universe had been trying to kill him for a while before we got him. Then he needed some time to decompress, meaning there were no riffs for a bit. I was a bit irked by that, since I was getting paid per riff. But, Dorkpool said we had to riff together. Anyway, we did like one or two before those folks who were going after Mirror blew Dorkpool’s spaceship out of the sky.”
Those folks Sylvia referred to were known as the Protectors of the Commonwealth. Ruled over by a mysterious figure called the Sovereign, the Protectors wanted to kill Mirror due to complex political issues within his universe. They were able to follow Mirror to our universe and, under orders from Fleet Commander Eric Skrein, destroyed Dorkpool’s ship, the Cheese Doodle.
“That day was one of the scariest in my life,” Sylvia said. “Plummeting into the ocean from space is…not fun. I sometimes have nightmares about it to this day. We were stuck on that ship for about a month. Thankfully we had food and water, but it was still pretty nerve wracking. Every day I half expected the ship to just sink with us in it. I’m not sure how it stayed there so long.
“Then Jeff the Killer picked us up. The first thing I said to him was, ‘You’re not quite as stupid looking as I thought you’d be.’ I know, it’s rude, but a lot happened. Can you blame me for lashing out at the guy who looked like the Joker on a bad day? But, we still got on pretty well. The three of us stayed on that ship for like a month or so. There were so, so many people there who seemed similar to Jeff. It was weird. I mean, they were civil and all, but it was still weird.
“It wasn’t terrible though. I mean, sure, going to the bathroom while a girl named Clockwork rushes you is annoying, but the boat felt more stable than where we were. The three of us mostly spent our time trying to get back on our feet and plan our next move. I kept asking if we’d riff, but Dorkpool said that Wi-Fi wasn’t great out on the ocean. A part of me thinks he just didn’t want to pay me.
“And then, of course, we get attacked by Jane the Killer. I think those Protector guys sent her after us. The fight was nuts, but I was able to get a good hit in. And by ‘hit’ I mean ‘I blew her up with a rocket launcher.’ Didn’t slow her down too much, weirdly enough. Jeff ended up killing her. Then Dorkpool left to find some friends of his while Mirror and I spent time riffing. It’s funny, I know they’re kind of the same guy, but I always found Mirror a bit more chill than Dorkpool. I mean, he had that whole RWBY thing, but other than that, pretty chill. We’d sometimes play poker with Jeff while Dorkpool was off doing his thing. Jeff kept winning. He had a surprisingly good poker face.
“We were there for a few months before Mirror and I were sucked into some weird video game world to make fun of Sonic.exe. I remember thinking at the time, ‘You know, stuff like this didn’t used to happen to me.’ But, well, with a job like that, you see some weird shit. We ended up back on the boat, and then not too long later, Dorkpool, some superheroes, and the guy who shot the Cheese Doodle out of the sky arrived. Apparently someone else was in control of the Protector fleet, and we had to stop them.”
I nodded along. I already knew a lot of this, as it had been documented. However, this is where the story initially ended. So, I had to ask, “What happened next?”
Sylvia exhaled, and sat back in her chair.
“I wasn’t there for the big stuff, since I didn’t have powers or anything. Dorkpool’s friend, Jake NukeIt, was nice enough to make me some armor and weapons, but even then I mostly guarded the ship we took up there. Dorkpool, Mirror, those superheroes Dorkpool found, Indometus (Dorkpool’s catgirl ex-girlfriend), all did most of the crazy stuff. I heard a lot of what happened secondhand.
“What I do know is that we were able to get up to the flagship and break in, since that Protector guy had the codes for it. That NukeIt guy and I stayed behind with our little shuttle, keeping an eye on it and making sure we had an escape route. Everything went fine at first, but soon soldiers were coming out and attacking us. I don’t know how we beat them, but somehow we held our own. We heard the ship was going to self-destruct right as the group came back. Most of our group, actually. Indometus didn’t make it.
“I later heard that she sacrificed herself to stop her evil sister and destroy the ship. The Protector guy who wanted to destroy the Earth died when his flagship blew up. It was a victory, but…
“I didn’t know Indometus very well. I only met her briefly, and knew her mainly by her absence. Still, her death was rough. Dorkpool especially didn’t take it well. He didn’t collapse into alcoholism or anything. He just got somewhat colder. We held a funeral. I remember Jeff and those superheroes showed up. Jeff the Killer in a suit is certainly a look.
“After that, Dorkpool and Mirror found another ship, and went to go stop that Sovereign guy. I didn’t go with them. That entire ordeal had been a lot for me. Instead, I went home to see my parents. I hadn’t seen them in forever, and after everything that happened…well, I just needed them. I didn’t tell them everything that happened, but I gave them the cliff notes. For about a year, I worked on trying to recover and get my life together. I found a job. Nothing special, but it paid the bills. But I just wasn’t happy though.
“About a year later, Dorkpool and Mirror came back, and offered me my old job. They promised there’d be no more insane events. I decided, sure, what the hell. It didn’t last too long. Dorkpool and Mirror seemed a bit off. They didn’t discuss anything that happened while they were gone. The riffs themselves didn’t quite do it for any of us, and we stopped pretty quickly. After that, I went back to school, and, well, you know the rest.”
I asked her if she kept in contact with anyone from her riffing days.
“Not really,” she said. “I haven’t heard from Dorkpool since I left. Mirror congratulated me when he heard about my relationship. Jeff, of all people, will sometimes text me out of the blue. He texted me a lot around 2020, but mainly it was for his Cruiseypasta thing. Oof, that was some terrible timing, I tell you what. I have no idea what happened to those superheroes though.”
“Do you still have Jeff’s number?” I asked.
Sylvia nodded. “Yeah, somewhere in my phone. Why?”
“Do you think he’d be interested in an interview?”
“I can ask.”
“Thank you.”
Sylvia told me that she’d let me know if Jeff responded. I thanked her for her time, and asked if she had anything else she wanted to add. She thought for a minute, and said, “The riffs were a really weird time in my life. It was scary, it was nuts, but it was also fun. I sometimes miss them. But, I know that I couldn’t stay in that life forever. They helped me figure myself out and led me to where I am today, but I couldn’t go back to it.”
And with that, I thanked her and left her home.
Just from that one interview, I learned so much. Yet, for all I learned, I was still left with questions. Is Indometus’ death what ended the riffs? What happened during that year Dorkpool and Mirror were gone? And what happened to Dorkpool and Mirror?
I hoped I’d be able to find out soon enough.
PART 2: JEFF
Meeting Jeffrey Woods is not what I expected. I, like most of you, had a certain image in my head. I expected to see a deranged teen boy in a hoodie with a smile carved into his face. The man I met upon boarding the JeffxOC was not that person. He had a smile carved into his face, sure, but everything else was different. He seemed relaxed, calm. He wore a white robe and had his hair in a manbun. This is certainly not the Jeff the Killer I knew of.
Let me back up though.
A few days after my interview with Sylvia Ann Sylvia, she got back to me. Jeff said he’d be happy to do an interview, but we had to do it on his boat. I accepted those terms. A week later, I took a smaller boat to board the JeffxOC.
“Sorry we couldn’t just dock,” Jeff told me. “There are active arrest warrants out for a lot of us, so we can’t legally dock without possibly being arrested.” I told him that was ok.
On board the JeffxOC, I saw a ship of relaxation. I passed a yoga class, a guided meditation session, and a gym.
“We’re trying to move past our ‘killer’ labels,” Jeff told me. “On this ship, we work towards self-improvement and personal growth. While we do have murderous impulses, we try to express that through more constructive outlets. I personally find a great way to do that is with painting. Helen is nice enough to lead those classes.”
Jeff led us to a cabin with a very comfortable couch. He motioned for me to take a seat.
“So, you wanted an interview?” he asked.
I nodded. Jeff sighed.
“I wasn’t originally going to do this, but Sylvia’s a friend. So, go ahead. Let’s talk about Cruiseypasta.”
I raised an eyebrow. “I’m not here to talk about that.”
“You’re not?”
“No. I just wanted your experience with Dorkpool and the Creepypasta Riffs crew.”
Jeff started laughing. “Oh, Sylvia. If I hadn’t made that pact of nonviolence I would gut her like a fish for tricking me.”
Now, some of you, upon reading all these references to ‘Cruiseypasta,’ might be confused. While it was a well known story at the time, a lot has happened and I can’t blame you for forgetting.
As has been established, Jeffrey Woods is the captain of a ship. According to various reports, money was getting tight on the ship, and Jeff needed a way to change that. His idea was called ‘Cruiseypasta,’ turning the JeffxOC into a cruise ship for fans of Creepypasta. Tickets were made available in late 2019, with the actual cruise setting sail around April of 2020.
And then COVID hit. Jeff assured guests that he and his crew were technically nearly immortal, so COVID would, in theory, not be too much of an issue on the ship. Unfortunately, he did not take into account the fact that guests would spread and catch COVID. Thus, Cruiseypasta became an infamous super-spreader event, with tons of passengers getting sick and some dying. Due to a very strict contract guests signed before boarding the ship, Jeff did not face any legal consequences. However, the reporting of this damaged the Cruiseypasta reputation and ended up being a huge embarrassment for Jeff.
Based on what I’ve seen, he seems to have recovered well. Regardless, I didn’t intend to ask him too much about Cruiseypasta. I only mentioned this to give some context to you, dear reader.
Instead, our interview started with Jeff discussing his early life.
“I don’t remember much of my childhood. A lot of it is implanted memories. From what I know, I’m a result of something called the Project. I was made to be a killer for a guy called Zorax. A lot of the folks on this ship are the same way, though they were created after me. They got dosed with something called ‘the Jeff Formula,’ which made them very similar to me but with different gimmicks.
“However, whatever the Project wanted to use me for never materialized. Dorkpool, also a result of the Project, ended up killing Zorax, and all of us former killers were set free. Of course, we all thought we were serial killers, so we went about killing people. It’s something we’re all a little embarrassed about, to be honest. We’re all working to better ourselves now.
“Anyway, Dorkpool ended up finding me to tell me about the Project stuff. I…did not react well. I think part of it came from residual trauma as a result of my past, and the rest came from him being really annoying. He was just constantly quipping. Anyway, we fought, and I ended up cutting out his tongue. However, I was still briefly captured by Dorkpool and his crew at the time. I escaped pretty quickly. I’m able to teleport, after all. It’s not quite at will, but still.
“Regardless, my little conversation with Dorkpool jogged some memories, so I went to find out some more about the Project. That little stunt got me captured by a guy named Vorix, who wanted me to help him take down Dorkpool. Considering that Dorkpool and I weren’t exactly friendly, I obliged. I somehow ended up in Wyoming, of all places. Seriously, Wyoming. What the hell happens in Wyoming?”
Jeff chuckled to himself, then continued.
“Well, it turns out, a fight between me, Mirror, and Indometus happened in Wyoming. Go figure, right? Vorix showed up and ended up wiping the floor with them, which annoyed me at the time. But, hey, that annoying dude was captured and going to die. I could live with that.
“But then, it turns out that Vorix wanted me and the rest of my crew to be his army. I didn’t want to do that, which led to the freeing of the Dorkpools, Indometus, and my crew. Eventually, Dorkpool and I fought Vorix. Vorix had a sword that could negate healing factors, which he used to cut off my leg. But, with the help of the Cheese Doodle he was beaten. That was the last I ever saw of Vorix.
“Afterwards, I got a robotic leg and Dorkpool got me money for a boat – the one we’re on now – and me and those like me stayed on it. I helped him out after his ship was destroyed. I remember being sad when I heard the catgirl died. I always respected her.”
“Did you know what happened during the fight where Indometus died?” I asked.
Jeff shook his head. “I only heard some things secondhand. I didn’t take part in the fight. Jane the Killer had killed some of my crew, and I was working on recuperating. If you talked to Sylvia about this, you probably know more than I do.
“After all of that, I decided that we should shift from murder to mindfulness. All of our murderous drives were implanted within us, and it wasn’t healthy for anyone. It wasn't easy at first, I will admit. Unlearning these harmful behaviors was very difficult, and some of the ways we went about doing so were a bit…well, let’s call them a bit morally dubious. But, at least we were only kidnapping therapists rather than murdering them, and it was all in the name of self improvement.”
“What happened to those therapists?” I asked.
“For legal reasons, I cannot say. Either way, we realized that this was unsustainable, and that we’d need money for mental health services. By this point, a lot of us had curbed our more murderous impulses, meaning we could safely have new people on the ship. Someone – I’m not saying who – suggested the Cruiseypasta idea, and you know how that went.”
I nodded.
“I remember inviting Dorkpool, Mirror, and Sylvia. Sylvia declined due to conflicts with her course schedule. Mirror did come. I never heard back from Dorkpool though. Always wondered what happened to that guy.
“Due to COVID, Mirror had to isolate on the ship for a few weeks. During that time, he and I got very close. We ended up dating for a few months. It was…nice, but in hindsight, I don’t think either of us were ready for a relationship. I still had to work on myself, and Mirror was dealing with…things.”
“What kinds of things?”
Jeff shook his head. “Not my place to say. I’ll just say that we split amicably. He went to go do his own thing, and I stayed here and working on improving the mental and spiritual health of both myself and my crew.”
“Do you still keep in contact?”
“Sometimes. We’ll text from time to time, but it’s nothing frequent.”
I asked if Jeff would ask Mirror if he was ok being interviewed.
“I will, but I’m not sure when he’ll get back to me.”
Regardless, I still thanked him.
“Yeah, no problem. And, hey, before you go, please be sure to try one of the yoga classes on the ship.”
I did try one of the yoga classes. It was very relaxing.
Afterwards, I was picked up by another ship and brought back to land. During that time, I was reflecting on my interview with Jeff. He’d changed a lot from the man formerly known as Jeff the Killer. He seemed determined to put an embarrassing (and illegal) past behind him. Both he and Sylvia seemed to have that in common. Perhaps that’s why the riffs ended. Maybe everyone involved just grew past the need for them.
However, I wouldn’t know for sure until I interviewed both Mirror and Dorkpool. Whether or not I would, though, was another question.
PART 3: MIRROR
Mirror’s Media Mart, located in a strip mall in Connecticut, was considered one of the premier physical media stores on the East Coast. It was known for hosting all kinds of physical media, from DVDs and BluRays to CDs and VHS. It was also known for one other thing: have movies and shows and songs that seemed a bit different. Sometimes you’d find things like a season of Star Trek starring Captain Robert April, or a version of “Bad” sung by Prince. According to rumor, these come from an alternate universe in which things are slightly different. The store’s owner, a man named Mirror, insists that that’s no rumor. He would know. After all, he comes from an alternate universe himself.
A few days after getting back to land, I received a text from Jeff telling me that Mirror wanted to meet me for an interview. He told me the location, and I felt like such a fool for not finding this place sooner.
“I started this place about a year ago,” Mirror told me. “I noticed that you guys seemed to be getting rid of physical media, which personally sickened me. Physical media is important for preservation, after all. After seeing all those companies just delete shows from not only streaming services but existence, I knew I had to do something. And so, I started this place.”
“Does your universe use physical media?” I asked.
Mirror nodded. “Oh yeah. One of my decrees as emperor was the use of physical media. Sure, I might’ve been a dictator, but I still believed in the importance of media preservation. Plus, that means that I can more easily bring media from my universe to this one.”
“How is your universe, anyway?”
“Oh, it’s doing very well. Poison’s been in charge for a while, and they changed things from an empire to a socialist democracy. People are very happy. It’s funny, usually the ‘mirror’ universe is the bad one, but it seems like my universe is actually doing a lot better than yours. Maybe this is the mirror universe.” Mirror then chuckled at his own joke. “It’s funny, looking back, I don’t think I even really wanted to rule my universe. I was groomed for it, sure, but it was never my thing. When I came to this universe, I said it was to take it over, but really that was just an excuse. I just wanted to do something besides be an emperor.
“I enjoyed those years riffing with Dorkpool and Sylvia. It was nice to just make dumb jokes and go on wild adventures. Sure, at the time, there was stuff I’d hate about it. Like, god, I remember Dorkpool’s ego after he killed his Zorax. He was insufferable. He was just going on and on about how he was the hottest shit. I think Indo actually let Jeff cut off his tongue just to bring him down a peg.”
Mirror laughed a bit at this, before his laughter slowly died and he seemed upset.
“God, Indo. I miss her. She was a great friend and sometimes it seemed like she was the only other person on the Cheese Doodle who was halfway competent. After she left Dorkpool, he kind of collapsed into alcoholism and I just couldn’t watch him destroy himself anymore. It was rough for all of us. That’s why I ended up going back to my universe for a bit.
“Sometimes, I wonder if Indo would still be alive if I’d stayed in this universe.”
Mirror looked away for a minute, paused, and then resumed his story.
“While I was in this universe, Poison took over for me. They did very well in a leadership position, so well that people didn’t want me back. When I went back to my universe, some assumed I’d try to take power back, and decided they’d kill me before I did. These people, known as the Protectors of the Commonwealth, were headed by a guy called the Sovereign. I’d later learn that the Sovereign was using the Protectors as a way to amass power and then depose Poison. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time, and just thought people really, really hated me. Let me tell you, that does a number on the old ego.
“Dorkpool and Sylvia were able to rescue me, but then some Protector ships, led by Fleet Commander Eric Skrein, ended up blowing the Cheese Doodle out of the sky. I always felt terrible about that. It’s like my problems followed me and hurt my friends.
“You know the rest of the story. Jeff picked us up, we were attacked by Jane, and then Dorkpool went on his quest to find Indo and a team of superheroes. Sylvia and I became pretty friendly while we were stuck on Jeff’s ship. She was a lot more low key than Dorkpool, and I always appreciated that about her. She had a good head on her shoulders. She told me about how she’s going back to school and how she got a girlfriend. I’m genuinely really happy for her.”
“Did you and Jeff become…friendly while you were there?” I asked.
Mirror laughed. “Oh, Jeff told you about that, huh? Well, no, we weren’t that ‘friendly’ at the time. We liked each other, we coexisted, but we weren’t close. That came later.
“Anyway, we stayed on the ship for a while. Sylvia and I did some riffs, and I tried not think about how the people who wanted me dead were still in orbit, planning to kill me and everyone close to me. That’s kind of why Sylvia and I did so many at the time. It took my mind off things.”
“Sylvia said the reason you guys didn’t riff too much when Dorkpool was around was so that he didn’t have to pay her,” I mentioned.
Mirror shrugged. “That’s possible. I love the guy dearly, but he can be kind of a dick. What do you expect from a guy who modeled his personality on the most annoying parts of Deadpool?
“Dorkpool and I met Deadpool once. He was hired to kill us by Zorax. It was an interesting experience, I’ll tell you that for free.
“Anyway, back to the boat stuff. Apparently, one of Skrein’s subordinates, a guy named Kren, wanted to destroy the Earth. I believe these were under orders from the Sovereign. Skrein was what you’d call naïve. He believed in the stated mission of the Protectors: kill me to make sure that Poison stays in charge. He wasn’t down for genocide. Skrein flipped to our side, and wanted to help us stop Kren.
“Initially, I was skeptical. This guy had been trying to kill me and my friends for months. Naturally, there was a bit of hostility. However, we moved past it. Me, Dorkpool, Sylvia, Indo, some superheroes called the Other Heroes that I never got to know too well, and a guy named Jake NukeIt all piled into a shuttlecraft with Skrein and boarded his ship. Sylvia and Jake stayed behind to guard the shuttlecraft. Indo and the Other Heroes went to stop her sister.
“I don’t know if Sylvia mentioned this, but Indo’s sister, Incertus, was supposed to be dead but somehow came back to life. The two of them have powers that only activate if both are alive. Incertus had died years prior, after going nuts and becoming a serial killer. Somehow she came back, which is why Indo initially left.
“Dorkpool, Skrein, and I went to stop Kren. Dorkpool wasn’t happy with this, as he wanted to go with Indo, but she convinced him to come with us. She said she’d be ok.
“I sometimes wonder how often he replays that moment in his head.
“The three of us had to battle through multiple soldiers and a Creepypasta monster or two Kren hired to deal with us. I believe it was Laughing Jack, but don’t quote me on that. I’ve been out of the riffing game for a while, and some of the characters have blurred a bit to me. Hell, I think there's like three different Creepypasta characters named Jack. Anyway, during the fight, Jack mentioned that Incertus was going to murder Indo, causing Dorkpool to go find her after we beat him.
“Skrein and I confronted Kren, who revealed that the Sovereign was only using the Protectors to further his own agenda. We ended up killing him and taking control of the ship. Skrein told the ship over comms that Kren had been stopped. We then got a message from one of the Other Heroes: Incertus had become too powerful, and we needed to destroy the ship to stop her. Skrein asked if he was crazy, but then heard the sounds of battle and maniacal laughter coming from the comms, and decided to activate the ship’s self destruct sequence. We all went to the shuttlecraft, where I saw Dorkpool being literally dragged in, kicking and screaming. The only person missing from our little party was Indo, and I later learned why. Incertus came back because Indo still lived. It was some prophecy or something; either both live, or none live. Indo sacrificed herself to stop her sister from killing more people.
“We were all gutted by this. There was a funeral. All of us had something to say about her. Dorkpool went up to speak and then just…couldn’t.
“Some time passed. None of us felt up to riffing. Skrein gave us one of his fleet’s ships as a ‘sorry for blowing up your ship.’ He also gave us a lead on how to find the Sovereign. Dorkpool and I decided to go, but Sylvia stayed behind. I can’t blame her. So, Dorkpool and I, on a ship christened the Cheese Doodle II, went to my universe.”
“Sylvia mentioned that,” I said. “What happened?”
Mirror paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. “Quite a lot. We had to deal with space pirates, some weirdo named Nova Sword, and…
“And…”
Mirror sighed. “I jokingly said that my universe might be the good universe and yours the bad. In some ways, that’s true. In others…
“The Sovereign hired a pair of sisters to go after us. They were psychotic killers known as Indometus and Incertus. Specifically, the Indometus and Incertus of my universe. They dogged us constantly, until they finally captured us and brought us to the Sovereign. We learned a few things then. First, Vorix was working with him. Second, we found out that the Sovereign was the Vorix of my universe. Two Vorixes working against two Dorkpools.
“This universe’s Vorix, being familiar with the relationship Dorkpool and I had to Indo, suggested that Indometus and Incertus fight us. It would be a fair fight though; we’d be armed, and so would they, specifically with a metal that negated our regeneration abilities. In order to get out of this, we had to kill them.
“Usually, in this kind of story, the hero would find a way out of this without killing. Some sort of clever ruse or appeal to morality. We thought we did, at first. Dorkpool was able to kill Incertus, weakening Indo. However, when Dorkpool turned his back, Indo was still strong enough to try stabbing him. It would’ve been a killing blow. I noticed and…
“And…”
Mirror looked down, closing his eyes. He gathered himself, and continued.
“I killed her. I know she wasn’t the Indo I knew. I know she wasn’t my friend. But killing someone who looks like someone you care about is…difficult.
“Vorix laughed as both Dorkpool and I looked in horror at what I did. Vorix’s laughter infuriated both of us. We’d end up catching him and the Sovereign. I went after the Sovereign, and during the fight I goaded him into revealing his plans. What he didn’t know is that his admission was being broadcasted to all of the Protectors of the Commonwealth. Now, some knew his plans and were on board. But a vast majority of the Protectors did not, and so abandoned the movement. The Sovereign was soon captured and imprisoned.
“Dorkpool never specifically told me what happened with Vorix, just that ‘he’d never be a problem again.’ I never asked him to elaborate.
“We went back to this universe, and tried to move past everything. We tried riffing again with Sylvia, but it just wasn’t the same. We’d changed too much, and couldn’t go back to who we were. We went our separate ways. Sylvia and I kept in contact at first, but we slowly drifted apart. I’m not sure what happened to Dorkpool. I’ve tried reaching out from time to time, but he never responded.
“I spent some time drifting around, exploring this world. I think I was trying to find something. Purpose, maybe? Absolution? Whatever it was, I didn’t find it.
“Jeff ended up inviting me to his Cruiseypasta thing. I decided to go, even as COVID hit, since I was technically immune to it. However, despite that, I could still spread it if I was exposed to it, and on that cruise I definitely was. I quarantined there, and that allowed Jeff and I to get closer. He’d been working on himself, finding peace and moving away from his past. That appealed to me, and the man he became definitely appealed to me at the time. He’s one of the few guys I knew who could make a manbun look good. Our time together was nice. I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I will say that Jeff definitely knew how to use a knife.”
We both chuckled at that.
“But, after a few months, we realized that neither of us were ready for a relationship. I was still dealing with a lot of trauma, and he was still unlearning a lot of bad habits. I think we both realized that around the same time, because one day one of us brought it up. I don’t remember who did, but all I know is that the feeling was, ‘I’m glad someone brought it up.’ We split, but it was amicable. I went on to find myself, and then started Mirror’s Media Mart. I still had some contacts from my universe, and used them to import some media from there.”
I decided to ask Mirror something that’d been bugging me since I got to his store.
“How come you don’t sell any RWBY DVDs or BluRays?” I asked.
Mirror’s mood darkened. “That show is dead to me.” Upon my shocked expression, he elaborated. “It’s not some deep trauma thing or whatever. The show just got bad and I stopped watching. Guess I just grew out of it.”
That final line of Mirror’s, I think, explains a bit about what happened to the riffs. Mirror, Dorkpool, and Sylvia had dealt with so much and become such different people that going back just didn’t feel right. They grew out of it, and moved on with their lives.
I appreciated Mirror’s honesty, and thanked him for the interview. He told me to make sure I mentioned his store a bunch when I published this, which I agreed to do. If you’re in Connecticut, be sure to check out Mirror’s Media Mart.
Mirror had answered most of my main questions. Well, except for one:
What happened to Dorkpool?
A part of me felt that I’d never get the answer. If his friends didn’t know what happened to him, how could a random person like me find out? Perhaps I’d have to be content with not knowing. Perhaps I’d have to move on.
After the interview, I started driving home. I lived in New York, which, while not too far from Connecticut, was still a drive. While stopping for gas, I checked my phone, and saw I’d gotten a text.
“This is Dorkpool. I heard you wanted to talk to me?”
PART 4: DORKPOOL
Dorkpool’s home was not what I expected. It was a small one bedroom apartment. Bookshelves lined the walls, filled with figurines, books, comics, and various nerd things.
“I’m called Dorkpool for a reason, you know,” he said as I observed his collection. He beckoned me to sit down while he went to his refrigerator.
“You want anything to drink?” he asked. I shook my head. Dorkpool nodded, and returned with a glass of milk for himself.
“I’ve been sober for a few years now. Don’t even keep alcohol here. Instead, I drink milk. It does a body good, you know.”
Dorkpool pulled up his mask to his nose and took a sip of milk.
“So,” he asked. “What’d you want to know?”
“How’d you find out I wanted to talk to you?” I asked.
“Oh, that? Well, Sylvia and Mirror texted me about it.”
“They had your phone number?”
“Oh yeah. I just never responded whenever they texted. But, after hearing about what you wanted to do, I figured, sure, let me reach back out.”
“How come you went no contact with them for so long?”
“I needed to get myself in order,” he said. “I dealt with a lot over the course of the riffs, and I didn’t handle a lot of it well. After I beat Zorax, I became so insufferable that my friends let me get hurt by Jeff the Killer just to put me down a peg. After Indo left me, I became an alcoholic. After I found Indo again, I smacked her. I still feel awful about that, especially considering everything that happened next.”
Dorkpool sighed. “I watched her die, you know. During that final battle. She was keeping her sister near the ship’s engine, and as the self destruct sequence started, we were separated by a wall of plexiglass. I had to be dragged away or else I would’ve stayed there as the ship exploded. I’ve relived that moment in so many nightmares.
“Then there’s everything that happened in Mirror’s universe. He told you about it, yeah?”
I nodded.
“Good, because I don’t want to talk about it. Mirror and I came back here, and we tried to go back to normal. I thought if we could go back to riffing, return to our status quo, we’d be ok. I was wrong. The status quo had changed, and there was no going back."
Dorkpool thought for a second, then asked, “You ever read any Spider-Man comics?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t much of a comic book fan.
“Well, ok, for a while, Spider-Man was known as the relatable teenage superhero. Then he graduated high school, went to college, and became the single loser adult superhero. Eventually, he got married. He was married for years, but those in charge hated it. They wanted him to go back to his status quo of being a single loser who couldn’t hold a job. They created an event called One More Day that would undo Spider-Man’s marriage. Suddenly, he was a single loser again. His previous status quo had been returned.
“Fans weren’t happy, as this was seen as a character regression. The books got worse. Like, seriously, they are terrible now. And, weirdly enough, I don’t think Peter is happy. He constantly goes through hell, then returns to this single loser status quo. He’s stuck, and he’s miserable. He was forced to go back, and he’s the worse for it.
“I didn’t want to be that way. So, I changed my status quo. I moved away from that point in my life.”
“So you ended up ghosting your friends because of Spider-Man?”
“Well, not because of Spider-Man. I was using him as an analogy. I just needed to move on from that point in my life. And, truth be told, I think they needed me out of their lives too.
“Outside of the danger from various villains attacking us, the riffs were, in their own way, just mean.”
“How so?” I asked.
“Well, let me put it like this: we spent a lot of time making fun of bad self-insert Jeff the Killer fan fiction. Meanwhile, our lives became bad self-insert Jeff the Killer fan fiction. We know Jeff the Killer! He invited me to his cruise thing a while ago. Who the hell am I to judge?
“Besides, it’s not like any of that writing was meant to be high brow art. Most of it was people just expressing themselves in, admittedly, mediocre ways. There’s still an honesty to it that feels mean to criticize. It’s one thing to make fun of soulless corporate media. It’s another to make fun of an honest attempt to tell a story. It’s cruel, you know?”
I thought about it. He made a fair point. In hindsight, some of the riffs could be construed as punching down. I can see why he’d be uncomfortable with it.
“But didn’t people like the riffs?” I asked.
“Yeah, at the time. People also liked CinemaSins once upon a time. Times change, perspectives change, tastes change, and, most of all, people change.”
“How do you feel about the riffs?”
Dorkpool thought it over. “It’s…complicated. I cringe at a lot of it now, and during that time of my life I did a lot of stuff I wasn’t proud of. But, weirdly enough, I still feel a bit of pride in them. I did a lot. We did a lot. It made a lot of people happy. It was one of the most creatively productive times of my life. I can’t help but be a bit of fond of it.”
“Is your fondness why you agreed to this interview?”
Dorkpool shook his head. “Partly, but not really. I’m doing this to move on.”
Upon my confused expression, he explained. “Sometimes to move on, you need to finish things. Leaving something without a conclusion can eat at you for years and years. I’ve moved on, yes, but I still think about how things were left. No one knows what happened after we boarded that shuttlecraft. The story was left unfinished.
“For the longest time I didn’t want to finish it. I wanted to put it behind me and move on. That’s why the brief riff revival in 2018 never mentioned what happened. But, as you know, that fell through. And so, the story was left unfinished, and that bothered me for years. I tried to finish it a bunch of times over the years, but I never could. It was too much. So it just kept bugging me. I tried putting it out of my head and moving on, but I could only go so far without it nagging at me.
“I hope that by doing this, by offering some conclusion, I can move on. This story can end, and I can start a new one.”
“What new story would you want to tell?”
Dorkpool thought for a second, then took off his mask. Now, from what I knew of him, he was unable to do this. He could reveal his mouth and nose, but that was it. It was therefore very shocking to see him remove it completely.
His face was, surprisingly, normal. I expected some zits or scars or some sort of disfigurement. I didn’t read comics, true, but I did see the Deadpool movies and knew that behind the mask Deadpool was scarred to hell. Dorkpool wasn’t though. His face was pretty average. Nothing spectacular, but nothing hideous, either. He was just a guy.
Weirdly enough, despite having a mask on for years, his hair wasn’t messed up at all.
Dorkpool held the mask – what used to be his face, really – in his hands. He smiled.
“I want to tell a happier story,” he said. “And maybe one with old characters in it.”
And with that, the interview ended. There was nothing else to say, not really. We exchanged some thanks, and then I left. As I left his home, I heard him dial someone on his phone.
“Hey,” he said. “It’s been a while.”
EPILOGUE
With that, all my questions have been answered. The answer to “What happened to Creepypasta Riffs?” is the same as the answer to “What happened to Sylvia?” “What happened to Mirror?” or “What happened to Dorkpool?”
Growth happened. People changed and moved on. It’s the same thing that happens to everyone. We are, all of us, stories of growth and change. Why would we expect different of those whose stories we read?
Yet, I think that while we should aspire to grow past who we are, we should never forget it. We need to remember who we were. We need to remember every mistake, every hurt, every little thing that made us cringe. Those things are a part of us, and make us who we are. We need to grow, but we need to acknowledge who we were. We can’t grow by running away from the past. I hope everyone I’ve interviewed comes to realize that. I hope you do too, dear reader.
INTRODUCTION
“Creepypasta Riffs.” That term might not mean much to the average reader, but it meant something to me once upon a time. On January 31, 2015, a guy named Dorkpool started making fun of bad Creepypasta by making jokes throughout the story. Over time, he’d find some friends to riff with, and the three of them would get into bizarre adventures. They’d fight interdimensional warlords, not-so-fictional killers, and insane supervillains, all while taking the time to make jokes about bad writing.
And then, one day, they vanished. Specifically, they vanished near the end of one of their adventures, leaving their fate a mystery. I’d been wondering about this for years, and decided to find out what happened to them.
PART 1: SYLVIA
The Creepypasta Riffs crew was made up of three people: Dorkpool, the guy who started the riffs; Mirror Dorkpool (shortened to “Mirror”), an alternate universe version of Dorkpool who came to our universe and became friends with his alternate universe self; and Sylvia Ann Sylvia, an employee of sorts to Dorkpool. Finding information on the first two was difficult. Dorkpool was MIA and no one was entirely sure which universe Mirror was even in. There were rumors, but nothing concrete. However, with some digging, I was able to contact Sylvia Ann Sylvia. Thankfully, she was kind enough to agree to an interview.
She allowed me to come over to her home for the interview. Her home, a small but cozy apartment, was decorated with pictures of her and her girlfriend, Brandy. When she noticed me looking at them, Sylvia said, “What can I say? I love my girlfriend.”
Sylvia and Brandy had met around 2019, about a year after the riffs had ended.
“After I was able to stop living on a spaceship and running for my life from various different weirdoes, I found it a lot easier to date. I ended up going back to school, where I met Brandy. We were both majoring in Music Theory and had some courses together. She was way better at it than me, and I’d ask her to help me study. Over time, I got better at it, but pretended to need help so we could spend more time together. Eventually, I told her how I felt, and the rest is history.”
I asked if Brandy knew about what Sylvia was doing before she went back to school.
“A bit. I didn’t tell her too much because, honestly, it sounds bonkers as hell. I only told her about the fact that I knew Jeff the Killer when he got tied up in that whole ‘Cruiseypasta’ thing.”
Fair enough. Some of the stories are wild. It stands in stark contrast to a lot of Sylvia’s own life.
Born to Eric and Joanna Sylvia, Sylvia Ann Sylvia was, for the most part, your average girl. However, due to how odd her name was, she learned over time to develop thick skin.
“If you have a silly name, school’s already a pain. If you come out as gay, it gets a lot worse,” Sylvia told me. She came out in high school, and while her family was supportive, her classmates weren’t. However, she made it through high school and started college, where she was able to find some brief love with a woman named Melissa. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t last too long.
“We just weren’t right for each other,” Sylvia said. “I think she was still uncomfortable with the idea of being gay, and that drove a wedge between us. It…it really hurt at the time.”
Shortly after the breakup, Sylvia briefly dropped out of college, as she felt school wasn’t right for her. Instead, she looked for employment, which is where she stumbled upon a job listing for, “making fun of things on a spaceship.”
“I initially thought it was a joke,” Sylvia said of the listing. “I mean, a spaceship? Really?”
“So why’d you take it?” I asked.
Sylvia shrugged. “If it was legit, it was certainly an interesting thing to put on a resume.”
As luck would have it, it was most definitely legit. It was there that she would meet Dorkpool, and begin riffing.
Of Dorkpool, she said, “My first impression of him was that he was kind of smelly. I met him after he’d had a bad breakup, and he wasn’t taking it well. He was drinking a lot, and I don’t think he bathed in a few weeks. He also just seemed lonely. I think that’s part of why he put out the ad; he drove everyone else away and needed some company. Dude was kind of weird, if I’m being honest. He always wore this Deadpool mask with glasses. Apparently it was stuck to his face or something. He also talked and made jokes all the time. Part of the job, I guess, but even off the clock he was like that. Still, weird or not, he wasn’t terrible company, and with everything that had happened in my life up ‘til then, it was nice to be away from, well, everything.
“Dorkpool and I riffed for about a week before he got a bug up his ass and decided to find Mirror, his alternate universe self. I should’ve been more weirded out, but I quickly learned to just go with it.
“Mirror had this little goatee on his mask that I always found funny. I met him after he was dealing with a lot of shit. I think people from his universe had been trying to kill him for a while before we got him. Then he needed some time to decompress, meaning there were no riffs for a bit. I was a bit irked by that, since I was getting paid per riff. But, Dorkpool said we had to riff together. Anyway, we did like one or two before those folks who were going after Mirror blew Dorkpool’s spaceship out of the sky.”
Those folks Sylvia referred to were known as the Protectors of the Commonwealth. Ruled over by a mysterious figure called the Sovereign, the Protectors wanted to kill Mirror due to complex political issues within his universe. They were able to follow Mirror to our universe and, under orders from Fleet Commander Eric Skrein, destroyed Dorkpool’s ship, the Cheese Doodle.
“That day was one of the scariest in my life,” Sylvia said. “Plummeting into the ocean from space is…not fun. I sometimes have nightmares about it to this day. We were stuck on that ship for about a month. Thankfully we had food and water, but it was still pretty nerve wracking. Every day I half expected the ship to just sink with us in it. I’m not sure how it stayed there so long.
“Then Jeff the Killer picked us up. The first thing I said to him was, ‘You’re not quite as stupid looking as I thought you’d be.’ I know, it’s rude, but a lot happened. Can you blame me for lashing out at the guy who looked like the Joker on a bad day? But, we still got on pretty well. The three of us stayed on that ship for like a month or so. There were so, so many people there who seemed similar to Jeff. It was weird. I mean, they were civil and all, but it was still weird.
“It wasn’t terrible though. I mean, sure, going to the bathroom while a girl named Clockwork rushes you is annoying, but the boat felt more stable than where we were. The three of us mostly spent our time trying to get back on our feet and plan our next move. I kept asking if we’d riff, but Dorkpool said that Wi-Fi wasn’t great out on the ocean. A part of me thinks he just didn’t want to pay me.
“And then, of course, we get attacked by Jane the Killer. I think those Protector guys sent her after us. The fight was nuts, but I was able to get a good hit in. And by ‘hit’ I mean ‘I blew her up with a rocket launcher.’ Didn’t slow her down too much, weirdly enough. Jeff ended up killing her. Then Dorkpool left to find some friends of his while Mirror and I spent time riffing. It’s funny, I know they’re kind of the same guy, but I always found Mirror a bit more chill than Dorkpool. I mean, he had that whole RWBY thing, but other than that, pretty chill. We’d sometimes play poker with Jeff while Dorkpool was off doing his thing. Jeff kept winning. He had a surprisingly good poker face.
“We were there for a few months before Mirror and I were sucked into some weird video game world to make fun of Sonic.exe. I remember thinking at the time, ‘You know, stuff like this didn’t used to happen to me.’ But, well, with a job like that, you see some weird shit. We ended up back on the boat, and then not too long later, Dorkpool, some superheroes, and the guy who shot the Cheese Doodle out of the sky arrived. Apparently someone else was in control of the Protector fleet, and we had to stop them.”
I nodded along. I already knew a lot of this, as it had been documented. However, this is where the story initially ended. So, I had to ask, “What happened next?”
Sylvia exhaled, and sat back in her chair.
“I wasn’t there for the big stuff, since I didn’t have powers or anything. Dorkpool’s friend, Jake NukeIt, was nice enough to make me some armor and weapons, but even then I mostly guarded the ship we took up there. Dorkpool, Mirror, those superheroes Dorkpool found, Indometus (Dorkpool’s catgirl ex-girlfriend), all did most of the crazy stuff. I heard a lot of what happened secondhand.
“What I do know is that we were able to get up to the flagship and break in, since that Protector guy had the codes for it. That NukeIt guy and I stayed behind with our little shuttle, keeping an eye on it and making sure we had an escape route. Everything went fine at first, but soon soldiers were coming out and attacking us. I don’t know how we beat them, but somehow we held our own. We heard the ship was going to self-destruct right as the group came back. Most of our group, actually. Indometus didn’t make it.
“I later heard that she sacrificed herself to stop her evil sister and destroy the ship. The Protector guy who wanted to destroy the Earth died when his flagship blew up. It was a victory, but…
“I didn’t know Indometus very well. I only met her briefly, and knew her mainly by her absence. Still, her death was rough. Dorkpool especially didn’t take it well. He didn’t collapse into alcoholism or anything. He just got somewhat colder. We held a funeral. I remember Jeff and those superheroes showed up. Jeff the Killer in a suit is certainly a look.
“After that, Dorkpool and Mirror found another ship, and went to go stop that Sovereign guy. I didn’t go with them. That entire ordeal had been a lot for me. Instead, I went home to see my parents. I hadn’t seen them in forever, and after everything that happened…well, I just needed them. I didn’t tell them everything that happened, but I gave them the cliff notes. For about a year, I worked on trying to recover and get my life together. I found a job. Nothing special, but it paid the bills. But I just wasn’t happy though.
“About a year later, Dorkpool and Mirror came back, and offered me my old job. They promised there’d be no more insane events. I decided, sure, what the hell. It didn’t last too long. Dorkpool and Mirror seemed a bit off. They didn’t discuss anything that happened while they were gone. The riffs themselves didn’t quite do it for any of us, and we stopped pretty quickly. After that, I went back to school, and, well, you know the rest.”
I asked her if she kept in contact with anyone from her riffing days.
“Not really,” she said. “I haven’t heard from Dorkpool since I left. Mirror congratulated me when he heard about my relationship. Jeff, of all people, will sometimes text me out of the blue. He texted me a lot around 2020, but mainly it was for his Cruiseypasta thing. Oof, that was some terrible timing, I tell you what. I have no idea what happened to those superheroes though.”
“Do you still have Jeff’s number?” I asked.
Sylvia nodded. “Yeah, somewhere in my phone. Why?”
“Do you think he’d be interested in an interview?”
“I can ask.”
“Thank you.”
Sylvia told me that she’d let me know if Jeff responded. I thanked her for her time, and asked if she had anything else she wanted to add. She thought for a minute, and said, “The riffs were a really weird time in my life. It was scary, it was nuts, but it was also fun. I sometimes miss them. But, I know that I couldn’t stay in that life forever. They helped me figure myself out and led me to where I am today, but I couldn’t go back to it.”
And with that, I thanked her and left her home.
Just from that one interview, I learned so much. Yet, for all I learned, I was still left with questions. Is Indometus’ death what ended the riffs? What happened during that year Dorkpool and Mirror were gone? And what happened to Dorkpool and Mirror?
I hoped I’d be able to find out soon enough.
PART 2: JEFF
Meeting Jeffrey Woods is not what I expected. I, like most of you, had a certain image in my head. I expected to see a deranged teen boy in a hoodie with a smile carved into his face. The man I met upon boarding the JeffxOC was not that person. He had a smile carved into his face, sure, but everything else was different. He seemed relaxed, calm. He wore a white robe and had his hair in a manbun. This is certainly not the Jeff the Killer I knew of.
Let me back up though.
A few days after my interview with Sylvia Ann Sylvia, she got back to me. Jeff said he’d be happy to do an interview, but we had to do it on his boat. I accepted those terms. A week later, I took a smaller boat to board the JeffxOC.
“Sorry we couldn’t just dock,” Jeff told me. “There are active arrest warrants out for a lot of us, so we can’t legally dock without possibly being arrested.” I told him that was ok.
On board the JeffxOC, I saw a ship of relaxation. I passed a yoga class, a guided meditation session, and a gym.
“We’re trying to move past our ‘killer’ labels,” Jeff told me. “On this ship, we work towards self-improvement and personal growth. While we do have murderous impulses, we try to express that through more constructive outlets. I personally find a great way to do that is with painting. Helen is nice enough to lead those classes.”
Jeff led us to a cabin with a very comfortable couch. He motioned for me to take a seat.
“So, you wanted an interview?” he asked.
I nodded. Jeff sighed.
“I wasn’t originally going to do this, but Sylvia’s a friend. So, go ahead. Let’s talk about Cruiseypasta.”
I raised an eyebrow. “I’m not here to talk about that.”
“You’re not?”
“No. I just wanted your experience with Dorkpool and the Creepypasta Riffs crew.”
Jeff started laughing. “Oh, Sylvia. If I hadn’t made that pact of nonviolence I would gut her like a fish for tricking me.”
Now, some of you, upon reading all these references to ‘Cruiseypasta,’ might be confused. While it was a well known story at the time, a lot has happened and I can’t blame you for forgetting.
As has been established, Jeffrey Woods is the captain of a ship. According to various reports, money was getting tight on the ship, and Jeff needed a way to change that. His idea was called ‘Cruiseypasta,’ turning the JeffxOC into a cruise ship for fans of Creepypasta. Tickets were made available in late 2019, with the actual cruise setting sail around April of 2020.
And then COVID hit. Jeff assured guests that he and his crew were technically nearly immortal, so COVID would, in theory, not be too much of an issue on the ship. Unfortunately, he did not take into account the fact that guests would spread and catch COVID. Thus, Cruiseypasta became an infamous super-spreader event, with tons of passengers getting sick and some dying. Due to a very strict contract guests signed before boarding the ship, Jeff did not face any legal consequences. However, the reporting of this damaged the Cruiseypasta reputation and ended up being a huge embarrassment for Jeff.
Based on what I’ve seen, he seems to have recovered well. Regardless, I didn’t intend to ask him too much about Cruiseypasta. I only mentioned this to give some context to you, dear reader.
Instead, our interview started with Jeff discussing his early life.
“I don’t remember much of my childhood. A lot of it is implanted memories. From what I know, I’m a result of something called the Project. I was made to be a killer for a guy called Zorax. A lot of the folks on this ship are the same way, though they were created after me. They got dosed with something called ‘the Jeff Formula,’ which made them very similar to me but with different gimmicks.
“However, whatever the Project wanted to use me for never materialized. Dorkpool, also a result of the Project, ended up killing Zorax, and all of us former killers were set free. Of course, we all thought we were serial killers, so we went about killing people. It’s something we’re all a little embarrassed about, to be honest. We’re all working to better ourselves now.
“Anyway, Dorkpool ended up finding me to tell me about the Project stuff. I…did not react well. I think part of it came from residual trauma as a result of my past, and the rest came from him being really annoying. He was just constantly quipping. Anyway, we fought, and I ended up cutting out his tongue. However, I was still briefly captured by Dorkpool and his crew at the time. I escaped pretty quickly. I’m able to teleport, after all. It’s not quite at will, but still.
“Regardless, my little conversation with Dorkpool jogged some memories, so I went to find out some more about the Project. That little stunt got me captured by a guy named Vorix, who wanted me to help him take down Dorkpool. Considering that Dorkpool and I weren’t exactly friendly, I obliged. I somehow ended up in Wyoming, of all places. Seriously, Wyoming. What the hell happens in Wyoming?”
Jeff chuckled to himself, then continued.
“Well, it turns out, a fight between me, Mirror, and Indometus happened in Wyoming. Go figure, right? Vorix showed up and ended up wiping the floor with them, which annoyed me at the time. But, hey, that annoying dude was captured and going to die. I could live with that.
“But then, it turns out that Vorix wanted me and the rest of my crew to be his army. I didn’t want to do that, which led to the freeing of the Dorkpools, Indometus, and my crew. Eventually, Dorkpool and I fought Vorix. Vorix had a sword that could negate healing factors, which he used to cut off my leg. But, with the help of the Cheese Doodle he was beaten. That was the last I ever saw of Vorix.
“Afterwards, I got a robotic leg and Dorkpool got me money for a boat – the one we’re on now – and me and those like me stayed on it. I helped him out after his ship was destroyed. I remember being sad when I heard the catgirl died. I always respected her.”
“Did you know what happened during the fight where Indometus died?” I asked.
Jeff shook his head. “I only heard some things secondhand. I didn’t take part in the fight. Jane the Killer had killed some of my crew, and I was working on recuperating. If you talked to Sylvia about this, you probably know more than I do.
“After all of that, I decided that we should shift from murder to mindfulness. All of our murderous drives were implanted within us, and it wasn’t healthy for anyone. It wasn't easy at first, I will admit. Unlearning these harmful behaviors was very difficult, and some of the ways we went about doing so were a bit…well, let’s call them a bit morally dubious. But, at least we were only kidnapping therapists rather than murdering them, and it was all in the name of self improvement.”
“What happened to those therapists?” I asked.
“For legal reasons, I cannot say. Either way, we realized that this was unsustainable, and that we’d need money for mental health services. By this point, a lot of us had curbed our more murderous impulses, meaning we could safely have new people on the ship. Someone – I’m not saying who – suggested the Cruiseypasta idea, and you know how that went.”
I nodded.
“I remember inviting Dorkpool, Mirror, and Sylvia. Sylvia declined due to conflicts with her course schedule. Mirror did come. I never heard back from Dorkpool though. Always wondered what happened to that guy.
“Due to COVID, Mirror had to isolate on the ship for a few weeks. During that time, he and I got very close. We ended up dating for a few months. It was…nice, but in hindsight, I don’t think either of us were ready for a relationship. I still had to work on myself, and Mirror was dealing with…things.”
“What kinds of things?”
Jeff shook his head. “Not my place to say. I’ll just say that we split amicably. He went to go do his own thing, and I stayed here and working on improving the mental and spiritual health of both myself and my crew.”
“Do you still keep in contact?”
“Sometimes. We’ll text from time to time, but it’s nothing frequent.”
I asked if Jeff would ask Mirror if he was ok being interviewed.
“I will, but I’m not sure when he’ll get back to me.”
Regardless, I still thanked him.
“Yeah, no problem. And, hey, before you go, please be sure to try one of the yoga classes on the ship.”
I did try one of the yoga classes. It was very relaxing.
Afterwards, I was picked up by another ship and brought back to land. During that time, I was reflecting on my interview with Jeff. He’d changed a lot from the man formerly known as Jeff the Killer. He seemed determined to put an embarrassing (and illegal) past behind him. Both he and Sylvia seemed to have that in common. Perhaps that’s why the riffs ended. Maybe everyone involved just grew past the need for them.
However, I wouldn’t know for sure until I interviewed both Mirror and Dorkpool. Whether or not I would, though, was another question.
PART 3: MIRROR
Mirror’s Media Mart, located in a strip mall in Connecticut, was considered one of the premier physical media stores on the East Coast. It was known for hosting all kinds of physical media, from DVDs and BluRays to CDs and VHS. It was also known for one other thing: have movies and shows and songs that seemed a bit different. Sometimes you’d find things like a season of Star Trek starring Captain Robert April, or a version of “Bad” sung by Prince. According to rumor, these come from an alternate universe in which things are slightly different. The store’s owner, a man named Mirror, insists that that’s no rumor. He would know. After all, he comes from an alternate universe himself.
A few days after getting back to land, I received a text from Jeff telling me that Mirror wanted to meet me for an interview. He told me the location, and I felt like such a fool for not finding this place sooner.
“I started this place about a year ago,” Mirror told me. “I noticed that you guys seemed to be getting rid of physical media, which personally sickened me. Physical media is important for preservation, after all. After seeing all those companies just delete shows from not only streaming services but existence, I knew I had to do something. And so, I started this place.”
“Does your universe use physical media?” I asked.
Mirror nodded. “Oh yeah. One of my decrees as emperor was the use of physical media. Sure, I might’ve been a dictator, but I still believed in the importance of media preservation. Plus, that means that I can more easily bring media from my universe to this one.”
“How is your universe, anyway?”
“Oh, it’s doing very well. Poison’s been in charge for a while, and they changed things from an empire to a socialist democracy. People are very happy. It’s funny, usually the ‘mirror’ universe is the bad one, but it seems like my universe is actually doing a lot better than yours. Maybe this is the mirror universe.” Mirror then chuckled at his own joke. “It’s funny, looking back, I don’t think I even really wanted to rule my universe. I was groomed for it, sure, but it was never my thing. When I came to this universe, I said it was to take it over, but really that was just an excuse. I just wanted to do something besides be an emperor.
“I enjoyed those years riffing with Dorkpool and Sylvia. It was nice to just make dumb jokes and go on wild adventures. Sure, at the time, there was stuff I’d hate about it. Like, god, I remember Dorkpool’s ego after he killed his Zorax. He was insufferable. He was just going on and on about how he was the hottest shit. I think Indo actually let Jeff cut off his tongue just to bring him down a peg.”
Mirror laughed a bit at this, before his laughter slowly died and he seemed upset.
“God, Indo. I miss her. She was a great friend and sometimes it seemed like she was the only other person on the Cheese Doodle who was halfway competent. After she left Dorkpool, he kind of collapsed into alcoholism and I just couldn’t watch him destroy himself anymore. It was rough for all of us. That’s why I ended up going back to my universe for a bit.
“Sometimes, I wonder if Indo would still be alive if I’d stayed in this universe.”
Mirror looked away for a minute, paused, and then resumed his story.
“While I was in this universe, Poison took over for me. They did very well in a leadership position, so well that people didn’t want me back. When I went back to my universe, some assumed I’d try to take power back, and decided they’d kill me before I did. These people, known as the Protectors of the Commonwealth, were headed by a guy called the Sovereign. I’d later learn that the Sovereign was using the Protectors as a way to amass power and then depose Poison. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time, and just thought people really, really hated me. Let me tell you, that does a number on the old ego.
“Dorkpool and Sylvia were able to rescue me, but then some Protector ships, led by Fleet Commander Eric Skrein, ended up blowing the Cheese Doodle out of the sky. I always felt terrible about that. It’s like my problems followed me and hurt my friends.
“You know the rest of the story. Jeff picked us up, we were attacked by Jane, and then Dorkpool went on his quest to find Indo and a team of superheroes. Sylvia and I became pretty friendly while we were stuck on Jeff’s ship. She was a lot more low key than Dorkpool, and I always appreciated that about her. She had a good head on her shoulders. She told me about how she’s going back to school and how she got a girlfriend. I’m genuinely really happy for her.”
“Did you and Jeff become…friendly while you were there?” I asked.
Mirror laughed. “Oh, Jeff told you about that, huh? Well, no, we weren’t that ‘friendly’ at the time. We liked each other, we coexisted, but we weren’t close. That came later.
“Anyway, we stayed on the ship for a while. Sylvia and I did some riffs, and I tried not think about how the people who wanted me dead were still in orbit, planning to kill me and everyone close to me. That’s kind of why Sylvia and I did so many at the time. It took my mind off things.”
“Sylvia said the reason you guys didn’t riff too much when Dorkpool was around was so that he didn’t have to pay her,” I mentioned.
Mirror shrugged. “That’s possible. I love the guy dearly, but he can be kind of a dick. What do you expect from a guy who modeled his personality on the most annoying parts of Deadpool?
“Dorkpool and I met Deadpool once. He was hired to kill us by Zorax. It was an interesting experience, I’ll tell you that for free.
“Anyway, back to the boat stuff. Apparently, one of Skrein’s subordinates, a guy named Kren, wanted to destroy the Earth. I believe these were under orders from the Sovereign. Skrein was what you’d call naïve. He believed in the stated mission of the Protectors: kill me to make sure that Poison stays in charge. He wasn’t down for genocide. Skrein flipped to our side, and wanted to help us stop Kren.
“Initially, I was skeptical. This guy had been trying to kill me and my friends for months. Naturally, there was a bit of hostility. However, we moved past it. Me, Dorkpool, Sylvia, Indo, some superheroes called the Other Heroes that I never got to know too well, and a guy named Jake NukeIt all piled into a shuttlecraft with Skrein and boarded his ship. Sylvia and Jake stayed behind to guard the shuttlecraft. Indo and the Other Heroes went to stop her sister.
“I don’t know if Sylvia mentioned this, but Indo’s sister, Incertus, was supposed to be dead but somehow came back to life. The two of them have powers that only activate if both are alive. Incertus had died years prior, after going nuts and becoming a serial killer. Somehow she came back, which is why Indo initially left.
“Dorkpool, Skrein, and I went to stop Kren. Dorkpool wasn’t happy with this, as he wanted to go with Indo, but she convinced him to come with us. She said she’d be ok.
“I sometimes wonder how often he replays that moment in his head.
“The three of us had to battle through multiple soldiers and a Creepypasta monster or two Kren hired to deal with us. I believe it was Laughing Jack, but don’t quote me on that. I’ve been out of the riffing game for a while, and some of the characters have blurred a bit to me. Hell, I think there's like three different Creepypasta characters named Jack. Anyway, during the fight, Jack mentioned that Incertus was going to murder Indo, causing Dorkpool to go find her after we beat him.
“Skrein and I confronted Kren, who revealed that the Sovereign was only using the Protectors to further his own agenda. We ended up killing him and taking control of the ship. Skrein told the ship over comms that Kren had been stopped. We then got a message from one of the Other Heroes: Incertus had become too powerful, and we needed to destroy the ship to stop her. Skrein asked if he was crazy, but then heard the sounds of battle and maniacal laughter coming from the comms, and decided to activate the ship’s self destruct sequence. We all went to the shuttlecraft, where I saw Dorkpool being literally dragged in, kicking and screaming. The only person missing from our little party was Indo, and I later learned why. Incertus came back because Indo still lived. It was some prophecy or something; either both live, or none live. Indo sacrificed herself to stop her sister from killing more people.
“We were all gutted by this. There was a funeral. All of us had something to say about her. Dorkpool went up to speak and then just…couldn’t.
“Some time passed. None of us felt up to riffing. Skrein gave us one of his fleet’s ships as a ‘sorry for blowing up your ship.’ He also gave us a lead on how to find the Sovereign. Dorkpool and I decided to go, but Sylvia stayed behind. I can’t blame her. So, Dorkpool and I, on a ship christened the Cheese Doodle II, went to my universe.”
“Sylvia mentioned that,” I said. “What happened?”
Mirror paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. “Quite a lot. We had to deal with space pirates, some weirdo named Nova Sword, and…
“And…”
Mirror sighed. “I jokingly said that my universe might be the good universe and yours the bad. In some ways, that’s true. In others…
“The Sovereign hired a pair of sisters to go after us. They were psychotic killers known as Indometus and Incertus. Specifically, the Indometus and Incertus of my universe. They dogged us constantly, until they finally captured us and brought us to the Sovereign. We learned a few things then. First, Vorix was working with him. Second, we found out that the Sovereign was the Vorix of my universe. Two Vorixes working against two Dorkpools.
“This universe’s Vorix, being familiar with the relationship Dorkpool and I had to Indo, suggested that Indometus and Incertus fight us. It would be a fair fight though; we’d be armed, and so would they, specifically with a metal that negated our regeneration abilities. In order to get out of this, we had to kill them.
“Usually, in this kind of story, the hero would find a way out of this without killing. Some sort of clever ruse or appeal to morality. We thought we did, at first. Dorkpool was able to kill Incertus, weakening Indo. However, when Dorkpool turned his back, Indo was still strong enough to try stabbing him. It would’ve been a killing blow. I noticed and…
“And…”
Mirror looked down, closing his eyes. He gathered himself, and continued.
“I killed her. I know she wasn’t the Indo I knew. I know she wasn’t my friend. But killing someone who looks like someone you care about is…difficult.
“Vorix laughed as both Dorkpool and I looked in horror at what I did. Vorix’s laughter infuriated both of us. We’d end up catching him and the Sovereign. I went after the Sovereign, and during the fight I goaded him into revealing his plans. What he didn’t know is that his admission was being broadcasted to all of the Protectors of the Commonwealth. Now, some knew his plans and were on board. But a vast majority of the Protectors did not, and so abandoned the movement. The Sovereign was soon captured and imprisoned.
“Dorkpool never specifically told me what happened with Vorix, just that ‘he’d never be a problem again.’ I never asked him to elaborate.
“We went back to this universe, and tried to move past everything. We tried riffing again with Sylvia, but it just wasn’t the same. We’d changed too much, and couldn’t go back to who we were. We went our separate ways. Sylvia and I kept in contact at first, but we slowly drifted apart. I’m not sure what happened to Dorkpool. I’ve tried reaching out from time to time, but he never responded.
“I spent some time drifting around, exploring this world. I think I was trying to find something. Purpose, maybe? Absolution? Whatever it was, I didn’t find it.
“Jeff ended up inviting me to his Cruiseypasta thing. I decided to go, even as COVID hit, since I was technically immune to it. However, despite that, I could still spread it if I was exposed to it, and on that cruise I definitely was. I quarantined there, and that allowed Jeff and I to get closer. He’d been working on himself, finding peace and moving away from his past. That appealed to me, and the man he became definitely appealed to me at the time. He’s one of the few guys I knew who could make a manbun look good. Our time together was nice. I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I will say that Jeff definitely knew how to use a knife.”
We both chuckled at that.
“But, after a few months, we realized that neither of us were ready for a relationship. I was still dealing with a lot of trauma, and he was still unlearning a lot of bad habits. I think we both realized that around the same time, because one day one of us brought it up. I don’t remember who did, but all I know is that the feeling was, ‘I’m glad someone brought it up.’ We split, but it was amicable. I went on to find myself, and then started Mirror’s Media Mart. I still had some contacts from my universe, and used them to import some media from there.”
I decided to ask Mirror something that’d been bugging me since I got to his store.
“How come you don’t sell any RWBY DVDs or BluRays?” I asked.
Mirror’s mood darkened. “That show is dead to me.” Upon my shocked expression, he elaborated. “It’s not some deep trauma thing or whatever. The show just got bad and I stopped watching. Guess I just grew out of it.”
That final line of Mirror’s, I think, explains a bit about what happened to the riffs. Mirror, Dorkpool, and Sylvia had dealt with so much and become such different people that going back just didn’t feel right. They grew out of it, and moved on with their lives.
I appreciated Mirror’s honesty, and thanked him for the interview. He told me to make sure I mentioned his store a bunch when I published this, which I agreed to do. If you’re in Connecticut, be sure to check out Mirror’s Media Mart.
Mirror had answered most of my main questions. Well, except for one:
What happened to Dorkpool?
A part of me felt that I’d never get the answer. If his friends didn’t know what happened to him, how could a random person like me find out? Perhaps I’d have to be content with not knowing. Perhaps I’d have to move on.
After the interview, I started driving home. I lived in New York, which, while not too far from Connecticut, was still a drive. While stopping for gas, I checked my phone, and saw I’d gotten a text.
“This is Dorkpool. I heard you wanted to talk to me?”
PART 4: DORKPOOL
Dorkpool’s home was not what I expected. It was a small one bedroom apartment. Bookshelves lined the walls, filled with figurines, books, comics, and various nerd things.
“I’m called Dorkpool for a reason, you know,” he said as I observed his collection. He beckoned me to sit down while he went to his refrigerator.
“You want anything to drink?” he asked. I shook my head. Dorkpool nodded, and returned with a glass of milk for himself.
“I’ve been sober for a few years now. Don’t even keep alcohol here. Instead, I drink milk. It does a body good, you know.”
Dorkpool pulled up his mask to his nose and took a sip of milk.
“So,” he asked. “What’d you want to know?”
“How’d you find out I wanted to talk to you?” I asked.
“Oh, that? Well, Sylvia and Mirror texted me about it.”
“They had your phone number?”
“Oh yeah. I just never responded whenever they texted. But, after hearing about what you wanted to do, I figured, sure, let me reach back out.”
“How come you went no contact with them for so long?”
“I needed to get myself in order,” he said. “I dealt with a lot over the course of the riffs, and I didn’t handle a lot of it well. After I beat Zorax, I became so insufferable that my friends let me get hurt by Jeff the Killer just to put me down a peg. After Indo left me, I became an alcoholic. After I found Indo again, I smacked her. I still feel awful about that, especially considering everything that happened next.”
Dorkpool sighed. “I watched her die, you know. During that final battle. She was keeping her sister near the ship’s engine, and as the self destruct sequence started, we were separated by a wall of plexiglass. I had to be dragged away or else I would’ve stayed there as the ship exploded. I’ve relived that moment in so many nightmares.
“Then there’s everything that happened in Mirror’s universe. He told you about it, yeah?”
I nodded.
“Good, because I don’t want to talk about it. Mirror and I came back here, and we tried to go back to normal. I thought if we could go back to riffing, return to our status quo, we’d be ok. I was wrong. The status quo had changed, and there was no going back."
Dorkpool thought for a second, then asked, “You ever read any Spider-Man comics?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t much of a comic book fan.
“Well, ok, for a while, Spider-Man was known as the relatable teenage superhero. Then he graduated high school, went to college, and became the single loser adult superhero. Eventually, he got married. He was married for years, but those in charge hated it. They wanted him to go back to his status quo of being a single loser who couldn’t hold a job. They created an event called One More Day that would undo Spider-Man’s marriage. Suddenly, he was a single loser again. His previous status quo had been returned.
“Fans weren’t happy, as this was seen as a character regression. The books got worse. Like, seriously, they are terrible now. And, weirdly enough, I don’t think Peter is happy. He constantly goes through hell, then returns to this single loser status quo. He’s stuck, and he’s miserable. He was forced to go back, and he’s the worse for it.
“I didn’t want to be that way. So, I changed my status quo. I moved away from that point in my life.”
“So you ended up ghosting your friends because of Spider-Man?”
“Well, not because of Spider-Man. I was using him as an analogy. I just needed to move on from that point in my life. And, truth be told, I think they needed me out of their lives too.
“Outside of the danger from various villains attacking us, the riffs were, in their own way, just mean.”
“How so?” I asked.
“Well, let me put it like this: we spent a lot of time making fun of bad self-insert Jeff the Killer fan fiction. Meanwhile, our lives became bad self-insert Jeff the Killer fan fiction. We know Jeff the Killer! He invited me to his cruise thing a while ago. Who the hell am I to judge?
“Besides, it’s not like any of that writing was meant to be high brow art. Most of it was people just expressing themselves in, admittedly, mediocre ways. There’s still an honesty to it that feels mean to criticize. It’s one thing to make fun of soulless corporate media. It’s another to make fun of an honest attempt to tell a story. It’s cruel, you know?”
I thought about it. He made a fair point. In hindsight, some of the riffs could be construed as punching down. I can see why he’d be uncomfortable with it.
“But didn’t people like the riffs?” I asked.
“Yeah, at the time. People also liked CinemaSins once upon a time. Times change, perspectives change, tastes change, and, most of all, people change.”
“How do you feel about the riffs?”
Dorkpool thought it over. “It’s…complicated. I cringe at a lot of it now, and during that time of my life I did a lot of stuff I wasn’t proud of. But, weirdly enough, I still feel a bit of pride in them. I did a lot. We did a lot. It made a lot of people happy. It was one of the most creatively productive times of my life. I can’t help but be a bit of fond of it.”
“Is your fondness why you agreed to this interview?”
Dorkpool shook his head. “Partly, but not really. I’m doing this to move on.”
Upon my confused expression, he explained. “Sometimes to move on, you need to finish things. Leaving something without a conclusion can eat at you for years and years. I’ve moved on, yes, but I still think about how things were left. No one knows what happened after we boarded that shuttlecraft. The story was left unfinished.
“For the longest time I didn’t want to finish it. I wanted to put it behind me and move on. That’s why the brief riff revival in 2018 never mentioned what happened. But, as you know, that fell through. And so, the story was left unfinished, and that bothered me for years. I tried to finish it a bunch of times over the years, but I never could. It was too much. So it just kept bugging me. I tried putting it out of my head and moving on, but I could only go so far without it nagging at me.
“I hope that by doing this, by offering some conclusion, I can move on. This story can end, and I can start a new one.”
“What new story would you want to tell?”
Dorkpool thought for a second, then took off his mask. Now, from what I knew of him, he was unable to do this. He could reveal his mouth and nose, but that was it. It was therefore very shocking to see him remove it completely.
His face was, surprisingly, normal. I expected some zits or scars or some sort of disfigurement. I didn’t read comics, true, but I did see the Deadpool movies and knew that behind the mask Deadpool was scarred to hell. Dorkpool wasn’t though. His face was pretty average. Nothing spectacular, but nothing hideous, either. He was just a guy.
Weirdly enough, despite having a mask on for years, his hair wasn’t messed up at all.
Dorkpool held the mask – what used to be his face, really – in his hands. He smiled.
“I want to tell a happier story,” he said. “And maybe one with old characters in it.”
And with that, the interview ended. There was nothing else to say, not really. We exchanged some thanks, and then I left. As I left his home, I heard him dial someone on his phone.
“Hey,” he said. “It’s been a while.”
EPILOGUE
With that, all my questions have been answered. The answer to “What happened to Creepypasta Riffs?” is the same as the answer to “What happened to Sylvia?” “What happened to Mirror?” or “What happened to Dorkpool?”
Growth happened. People changed and moved on. It’s the same thing that happens to everyone. We are, all of us, stories of growth and change. Why would we expect different of those whose stories we read?
Yet, I think that while we should aspire to grow past who we are, we should never forget it. We need to remember who we were. We need to remember every mistake, every hurt, every little thing that made us cringe. Those things are a part of us, and make us who we are. We need to grow, but we need to acknowledge who we were. We can’t grow by running away from the past. I hope everyone I’ve interviewed comes to realize that. I hope you do too, dear reader.