"So my Poison sent those files about the Project you wanted," Mirror Dorkpool was saying.
"Oh, you mean those ones I asked for off screen?" Dorkpool answered.
Mirror Dorkpool groaned a bit internally. Dorkpool might be his friend, but he could be damned irritating, especially since his battle with Zorax. After killing the skull-headed conqueror, Dorkpool seemed to have developed two new habits: breaking the fourth wall, and acting like he’s the greatest thing to ever exist. Mirror Dorkpool wasn’t sure which one was more annoying.
"Yes, those ones," he answered.
"Splendid!" Dorkpool said. "Send them to my quarters. I’ll read them after the Rifftique."
"Yeah. Doing a crossover with a friend of mine – AGrim – that we call a ‘Rifftique.’ Catchy name, don’t you think?"
"I guess. How come I’m just hearing about this?"
"Because you’re not part of it," Dorkpool said.
"And why is that? I thought we did Riffs together."
"We do. But not Rifftiques. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go. Let me know if there are any more skull-headed conquerors to kill, ok?" Dorkpool said, and proceeded to walk off.
Once he was out of earshot, Mirror Dorkpool muttered to himself, "I’m a damn emperor. Why do I put up with this shit?"
AGrim: A lot of people know that the original "Jeff the Killer" sucks. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t, but those terrible stories are for another day.
Dorkpool: "Another day" being "the next time I post a Riff."
AGrim: Today is an unusual case in which somebody must have thought that the original "Jeff the Killer" needed a rewrite. While yes, a rewrite would make it better, I personally don’t think the idea is good enough or original enough to make something good.
Dorkpool: I actually have to disagree. The idea behind "Jeff the Killer" wasn’t terrible, and I’m sure if the writer is talented enough, he or she could make a good story with ol’ Jeffy.
AGrim: Thinking of it, I actually kind of like "Jeff the Killer vs. Jane the Killer". Sure, the set-up and origin stories were terrible, but it is mostly written well and even clever at times. Therefore, you have a very good point there.
Dorkpool: Thank you.
AGrim: However, it doesn’t help that the author of this rewrite doesn’t understand that when you rewrite something, you probably need to understand English better than the original author. This author is one of those authors that is just plain incompetent.
Dorkpool: God fucking damn it.
AGrim: Therefore, let’s go ahead and find out why this rewrite just doesn’t work.
Dorkpool: Or, in other words, let’s do a reboot worse than Man of Steel and Riff this bitch!
OMINOUS UNKNOWNKILLER STILLAT LARGE
Dorkpool: (Newspaper): In other news, spaces are for squares.
AGrim: We’re off to a fantastic start, aren’t we?
After weeks of unexplained murders, a young boy, Timothy Stevens, claims to have survived an attack from this elusive murderer. He has accepted our offer to interview him,
Dorkpool: (Newspaper): …after quite a bit of bribing.
and bravely tells his story.
"I had a bad dream and woke up in the middle of the night. I saw that the window was open, but I remembered closing it before I went to sleep. I got up, closed it and tried to go back to sleep." "After a few minutes, I got a strange feeling
Dorkpool: I believe it’s called "puberty."
… As if I was being watched… I opened my eyes, and before I could scream, a pale hand grabbed my throat. I couldn’t even breath.
AGrim: If you are going to rewrite the original, you should probably show that you understand English better than they did. Clearly, this author doesn’t.
All I could do was watch as the person pulled his hood up, revealing his face…" Timothy shuddered at this point.
"It was pale, with cold, dead eyes, bordered by black rings. The hair was black and looked like it was wet, but the worst part was the smile… It looked like it was carved into his face. This person held up a knife, above my head and said three, simple words in a way only an insane person could speak.
Dorkpool: (Jeff): Coocoocachu, Colonel Sanders.
"Go. To. Sleep." I kicked him, knocking him over and began screaming at the top of my lungs as he tried to stab me! My mother ran upstairs and opened my door, and the person threw his knife at her, sticking it into her shoulder. I began to hear sirens, and the person jumped through the window and ran away."
If you see anyone matching the description of the person in this story, please contact your local police station. Suspects include 15 year old Jeffrey Hill, a young boy living with his family until they were found murdered in their beds, with Jeffrey nowhere to be found.
Dorkpool: Thanks, random exposition!
AGrim: Well, we know the ending of this pasta now. There really isn’t too much reason to continue, they literally just got up and told us what is going to happen.
Dorkpool: Alrighty then, we’re done here. That was Creepypasta Rifftiques, and this story sucks, but at least it’s short.
AGrim: For a rewrite, I have to admit it was an improvement. At least it saved me from having to read most of the original story agai- oh god damn, it goes on.
Dorkpool: Oh, just kill me now.
Jeff and his family had just moved to a new neighbourhood. Jeffs father had gotten a promotion at work, so they decided to move to a better part of their town. Jeff and his brother, Liu, couldn’t complain.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): But that doesn’t stop them from doing so.
They both hated their old house, where they had to share a room. While they were unpacking everything and putting it into their house, the new neighbours came by. "Hello." she said. "I’m Barbara. I live across the street. Welcome to the neighbourhood." Jeff’s mother introduced herself. "I’m Margaret. This is my husband Peter, and my kids, Jeff and Liu."
Dorkpool: (Barbara): What kind of name is Liu?
AGrim: (Margaret): We adopted him off the streets of China, okay?
A young boy ran up to Barbara and looked at Jeff and his family. "This is my son, Jack. He’s going to be eight in a few days."
Dorkpool: (Barbara): He’s also a mistake.
They talked for a few more minutes, and Barbara invited Jeff’s family to Jack’s birthday party. After they went back home, Jeff spoke up. "Why did you invite us to some kids party?" he said to his mother. "In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not some dumb kid." "I think we should get to know our new neighbours." Jeff’s mother replied. Jeff groaned and went into his house. He stayed in his room until dinner.
AGrim: Did he just kind of sit in his room until dinner, doing nothing?
The next day, Jeff and his brother went to his new school. After a boring day of being told how glad everyone was to have them at school, they went to the bus stop.
Dorkpool: Wait, if they went to the bus stop after school, how did they get there?
AGrim: I guess the author decided we needed to know the origin of Jeff’s teleportation abilities from "Jeff Is Back".
While they talked to each other, another kid who looked like he was a year older than Jeff came by. "Hey. That’s my spot." He said to Jeff. "Too bad. Find somewhere else to sit." This made the other kid angry. "Do you know who I am?" "Some ugly loser. Go bother someone else." Jeff replied. The other kid took a knife out of his pocket. "GET OUT OF MY SPOT. NOW."
Dorkpool: Sheldon Cooper is out of control.
Jeff laughed. "No." The boy attempted to stab Jeff, but he got out of the way. He took out his own pocket knife and stabbed the boy in the side. He grit his teeth and ran off.
Later that night, someone knocked on the door of Jeff’s new house. When his mother opened it, she saw a police man standing there. "Hello, ma’am. We have reports that your son has been causing problems at school." She called Jeff and Liu down. "Kids, this man says you’ve been causing problems."
Dorkpool: (Margaret): Did you try to killing the principal and inciting a revolt again?
AGrim: (Jeff): Come on mom, I only did that twice!
The police man interrupted. "We have reports of one of your children severely injuring another child at school." Liu spoke up. "It was me, sir. I stabbed another kid." He looked at Jeff and sighed. "He was trying to hurt my brother." Before Jeff could say something, the police man told Liu that he would be going to Juvie for the next few months.
Dorkpool: Because screw due process!
AGrim: I like that Liu actually shares the fact that the kid was trying to hurt them and the officers still don’t care at all.
Liu and the police man walked out, got into the car and drove away.
A few days later, it was time for Jack’s party. Jeff put on the best clothes he could find, and his mother, who had fallen ill, told him that she couldn’t go. Jeff walked out, and walked down the street to the crosswalk. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in his stomach.
Dorkpool: Where will you be when constipation strikes?
A second later, everything went black.
When he woke up, he didn’t know if he had or not. Everything was dark. He tried to sit up, but he couldn’t. Suddenly, the darkness he saw began to go away.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): It was immediately replaced by more darkness.
He saw a man in a white coat, looking at him. Jeff looked around, and saw his family, trying not to cry. "Mom? Dad? What’s wrong?" Jeff asked them. The man held up a mirror. Jeff saw his face. It was completely white
Dorkpool: By the Preservers’ pants, he’s become Caucasian!
… His black hair seemed to have grown since the last time he saw it… And his lips were stained red… "Jeff, I’m very sorry, but-" Jeff interrupted the apparent doctor. "Sorry for what? I’m…" Jeff poked his cheek.
Dorkpool: That’s what all his fangirls say, anyway.
He started to laugh very loudly. His mother looked at the doctor with an expression of fear. "Is… Is my son going to be all right?" "Yes, the pain killers are still affecting him." The doctorreplied. "If it doesn’t go away soon, be sure to bring him back."
Dorkpool: (Doctor): Don’t worry, we’ll just give him a lobotomy.
After they took him back home, Jeff, his brother and his parents went home. His mother woke up after having a nightmare. She thought she heard something, though… It almost sounded like laughter…
Dorkpool: (Narrator): …but more like polka.
AGrim: Painkillers make people really like polka, apparently.
She went to the bathroom and saw her son… He was staring into a mirror, holding a knife and cutting into his cheek. There were black circles around his eyes, and he didn’t blink at all. "Jeff… What have you done to your face…" She began to cry. Jeff looked over at her and laughed. He walked over to her, still holding his knife. His mother ran out of the room and to Jeff’s father. "Honey, we need to find Liu and leave.
Dorkpool: No matter what, Jeff’s mom is still a crappy mother.
AGrim: They never explained that Liu got out of juvie in this version, so I’m assuming they aren’t going to find him so easily.
Dorkpool: Maybe Liu teleported out of prison. Maybe both he and Jeff are mutants or something.
Now. Jeff’s…" She turned around and saw Jeff. "I’m what? Hideous?
I thought you loved me, mom…"
AGrim: (Margaret): Actually, I was hoping you were the one that was going to Juvie.
Liu woke up to the sound of his parents screaming. He looked around for a moment, and saw his brother, standing at his door. He was too scared to speak… Jeff walked over to him and held his knife, covered in blood, over his brother’s face. "It will only hurt for a moment, brother… All I want you to do is… Go… To… Sleep…"
Dorkpool: (Liu): But I’m not tired.
AGrim: (Jeff): Just humor me for a sec, bro. Also, how the hell did you get out of Juvie?
AGrim: Alright, my main problem with this story is that this author just doesn’t know how and why you rewrite stories.
Dorkpool: Neither does most of Hollywood, to be honest.
AGrim: Well, yeah. For every Casino Royale, there will always be a Planet of the Apes (2001). Anyway, the reason a person would rewrite a story is to improve upon the story (or, in rare cases, make it intentionally bad for a Trollpasta). The author isn’t a very good writer, so he can’t really improve upon the story.
Dorkpool: Cue jokes about Zack Snyder, J.J. Abrams, and Mark Webb.
AGrim: Also, it doesn’t help when he skips the entire middle of the plot to get to the end. The whole "Jeff blacks out and wakes up in hospital" is a terrible cliché, and the author either did this on purpose or thought that the entire middle of "Jeff the Killer" was gold and required no changes. He was clearly wrong on that.
Dorkpool: He was also wrong on how to spell things, how spacing works, and how to write interesting characters and plot, so that’s not saying much.
AGrim: Anyway, because of this random skipping, it actually makes the plot really incomplete. The transition of Jeff into a madman is now (even more) rushed and doesn’t really make sense. In the original, it kind of made sense, as these kids were trying to kill him. In this one, he blacks out and he just randomly turns crazy after seeing his face. What?
Dorkpool: By the way, not having Jeff go insane at the party, or even go the party, pretty much makes the whole part at the beginning with Barbara saying that Jeff’s family should go to the party kind of useless. Jeff just could’ve been walking around when he felt that pain in his stomach, and the effect would’ve been the same. Instead, we have padding. Say what you will about the original story (and believe me, there’s a lot that can be said), but at least the party invitation did contribute to the plot.
AGrim: Also, they never explain how his brother gets out of Juvie, and they never resolve the characters of the bullies who were beat up. In the original, they had motivations to come and turn Jeff insane, even if they were terrible characters. In this one, they only exist to threaten the characters and then get beat up. I’ve seen more complete Bully character arcs in Stephen King’s It.
Dorkpool: There’s also something else that should be mentioned: that newspaper clip at the beginning. Why is that there? All it really does is let us know that Jeff sucks at killing small children, and that he’ll become Jeff the Killer. The first part wasn’t necessary, and the second part we already know. So, once again, we have padding. Yes, I know, it was in the original story, but you know what else was in the original story? Jeff going to a party and killing people. That’s not in this story now, is it?
AGrim: Anyway, the English is pretty poor, the characters are pretty much the same, it is just plain bad. The only saving grace is that the English is a little, tiny bit better than the original and it is pretty short.
Dorkpoool: This story is kind of disappointing, actually. In my opinion, "Jeff the Killer" is a story that definitely could’ve been good. Sure, a lot would need to change and be rewritten, but it can still be done. However, this story is not the way it should be done. Despite being much shorter than "Jeff the Killer" (which is quite nice), it’s still not very good.
AGrim: Therefore, is this truly worse than "Jeff the Killer"? Probably not, mainly because it isn’t as long. However, it is still a fail of a story that I’d say is pretty close to being as bad as "Jeff Is Back". 2.5/10.
Dorkpool: But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Rifftique good? Do you think we should go to sleep? Leave your thoughts in the comments or whatnot below or where ever they are. Also, take a look at AGrim’s Critiques here: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User:AGrimAuxiliatrix1/My_Critiques
Dorkpool read through the files in his quarters. They were intriguing, but also brought up some painful memories that he’d rather stay buried. He might be (in his own words) pretty damn epic and awesome, but he could still have parts of his past that hurt to remember.
That’s partly why he was also looking over the files of other subjects who were part of the Project. At the very least, maybe if he found others who escaped, he could visit them, and say, "Ding dong, the douche is dead," or something.
However, this was proving mildly problematic. There weren’t many people who survived or escaped the Project. Hell, those who survived mostly ended up working for Zorax.
His search didn’t seem to turn up very much, and he was planning of retiring to bed soon. That is, until he saw one name.
"Oh, no," he whispered. "Oh, hell no."
He hoped what he was looking at was a joke. It had to be, right? Seriously, him? That guy?
But it made too much sense. It explained so much.
Yet Dorkpool had hoped that this person was just some bad story, not a real being (or as real as someone in this fictional world he lived in could be; being self-aware was both a blessing and curse sometimes). But if the name on the file was to be believed, then he was real.
He didn’t want to believe it though. He didn’t want to believe that the name displayed on the file was "Jeffery Woods."
"Great," Dorkpool muttered. "We’re in another story arc, and with Jeff the Killer to boot. Yippee fucking skippy."