Dorkpool: It was a dollar, and I was morbidly curious, and I figured that it couldn’t suck as much as 99.999% of the stories we Riff.
Mirror: How is it?
Dorkpool: So far, it’s incredibly stupid, but kind of a fun read.
Mirror: That’s good…I guess. Why are you bringing it up?
Dorkpool: Because of what we’re Riffing: “How To Become A Vampire.”
Mirror: Oh. There better not be sparkling.
Dorkpool: Well, let’s hope Stephanie Meyer stayed far away from this story, and Riff this bitch!
Why would you want to forfeit your humanity?
Dorkpool: Ask a lawyer.
Immortality, hatred towards humanity, or is it simply boredom? You should realize that you will have to kill people. You cannot drink animal blood as it will kill you, or you will vomit if you are lucky. Transfusions work, but good luck getting them - believe it or not, blood banks are well-guarded.
Mirror: Yep, they have armed guards in case of vampire attacks.
You will also have to move to other places constantly, changing your appearance constantly, and there will be no certainty or stability, just the hope of surviving one more night. Assuming you survive and adapt, unlike most, you will watch the world be destroyed and recreated constantly, watch technology evolve and the horrors and blessings that come with it, and everyone around you will rot away before your very eyes.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Pretty cool, right?
You will not be able to form relationships; if they find out what you are, they will run away or try to kill you,
Mirror: Especially if you sparkle.
and so will the strangers, the people you sit next to on the bus, live with in your apartment, or the people you pass on the street. You will live in constant fear that they will kill you. If they find out what you are, they will kill you out of fear and anger, or - if you're unlucky - cut you open and study you.
Have I convinced you not to? No?
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Really? You’re kind of a moron, aren’t you?
OK, it is ultimately your choice after all.
1. You must not eat or drink for five to six days and must be under 130 pounds.
Mirror: Multiple Twilight fans immediately decide to start fasting.
2. After that you must acquire 3 gallons of blood, a coffin with dirt from your birthplace, a pitch-dark room, a very sharp knife, a candle,
Dorkpool: (Narrator): …two chickens, a mint condition copy of “Amazing Fantasy #15”, the stolen virginity of a nerd, two girls, one cup, a chimichanga…
and a bucket.
3. Pour the blood into the bucket by your coffin in the dark room.
Mirror: Not the white room with black curtains.
4. After this, you must go into the dark room without any clothing, light the candle, lay in the coffin, and use the knife to slit your throat. Drink the blood very quickly. If you are too slow, you will die from blood loss.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Though, in all defense, if you try this, you probably are pretty slow.
If you are quick enough, the wound will heal. Then close the coffin and sleep. You will wake in seven days at midnight.
Mirror: (Narrator): You’ll be pissed off that your alarm went off so damn early.
5. You will be very thirsty. You will go on your first hunt and kill one person. You will have to do this every three days, forever.
Good luck, my friend.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Try not to run into Abraham Lincoln.
Dorkpool: This story is “eh.” It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
Mirror: Honestly, it’s less of a story, and more of a guy trying to convince you not be a vampire, then decides you’re a moron and tells you the steps to become a vampire. The steps are kind of stupid, and I hope no one is stupid enough to try it. Also, I mentioned this earlier, but the guy doesn’t believe he’s convinced the reader that being a vampire sucks. Is it because he just really wants to reveal the steps, or does he have no confidence in his argumentative abilities? I’m honestly curious.
Dorkpool: But there are good things. The spelling and grammar are pretty good, and the writing itself isn’t terrible. The story is kind of an enjoyable read. But all in all, it’s not perfect. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d become vampires? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.