“AGRIM’S” the sign on the club yelled out.
Well, not literally. However, from a visual point of view, it practically screamed bloody murder. The sign was big, bright, neon, and written in cursive.
The person observing the sign, the one dressed like a very confused Deadpool cosplayer, chuckled a bit to himself.
There’s no way this could be her place, he thought. Hell, maybe it’s just a Homestuck reference or something.
Well, there’s only one way to find out. So, rather than just standing outside and staring at the sign like a schmuck, he walked in.
Dorkpool had never been to any kind of clubs, be they dance, night, or otherwise. So this was a new experience for him.
Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he liked it.
The place was bathed in different colored lights. Bright multicolored beams shot up from the floor, and orange pinpricks lined the ceiling. And, throughout the club, there was a dark red light.
It seemed like a planetarium and laser light show fucked, and this was the kid.
Music blared, and the music also left almost no doubt in Dorkpool’s mind that this was her place. After all, who else would have a club blaring Katy Perry?
Despite the music choice (Dorkpool always assumed that most clubs played some techno beat or something), the place was still packed with people. So, he had to try maneuvering around the crowds to try and find…
Her. Yep, that seemed to be her. Granted, he hadn’t actually seen her before, but the tall lady in the black evening gown and white fur scarf seemed to have a bearing about her that said, “I own this place.”
Well, if that’s her, he might as well get her attention.
“HEY! AGRIM!” he yelled, trying to be heard over the loud music and slightly less loud chatter.
Maybe she wasn’t who he was looking for. Or maybe she didn’t hear him. Or, perhaps, she heard the word “AGrim” so much, especially regarding the club, that she assumed he wasn’t calling her.
So, he tried something else.
“NES GODZILLA CREEPYPASTA IS A WELL-WRITTEN, NON CLICHÉ , AND EMOTIONALLY GRIPPING WORK!” he yelled, even louder this time.
She looked in his direction. He jumped up and down, trying to be more visible. It appeared to have worked, since she started walking towards him, and soon enough made it to him.
“Hey, AGrim,” he said, still a bit loud to be heard over the noise.
She looked him up and down. “Dorkpool?” she asked.
“In the flesh. And whatever this costume is made out of. I want to say cotton and polyester, but, honestly, I’m not sure.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Before I answer, can we go somewhere a bit quieter? I don’t want to scream out about seven or so months of backstory.”
AGrim nodded. “Follow me,” she said.
The two made their way to the back of the club, into an office of some kind. It was quieter, though the two could still hear the bass of the music.
“So, a club?” Dorkpool asked.
“I thought we were talking about why you’re here.” AGrim responded.
“And we will. But, seriously? A club?”
“What’s wrong with a club?”
“Well, nothing. Except that it’s loud and full of people.”
“That is normally what a club is like.”
“I know, I just never figured you to be the club type.”
“I’m not the club type. I’m the club owning type.”
Dorkpool opened his mouth, started to say something, then stopped, and said, “Well, you’re not wrong.”
“Seriously, why are you here?”
Dorkpool sighed, gathering his thoughts. “Ok, remember Mirror?”
“That other you we did that Rifftique with? Yeah.”
“Well, he sort of rules/ruled a universe.”
“I know. You guys mentioned that last time.”
“Huh. Go figure. Anyway, a few months back he went back to his universe, where he wasn’t exactly welcomed with open arms. So, I, along with my new employee, Sylvia Ann Sylvia, went to his universe – ”
AGrim held up her hands. “Wait. How did you even get there?”
“Really, that’s your question?”
AGrim shrugged. “It’s a valid question.”
“Ok, fine. We went on my spaceship.”
“Yes. I have – had – a spaceship.”
“Had? What happened to it?”
“If you let me continue, I’ll explain.” Dorkpool said, slightly exasperated.
“Ok, so Mirror was rescued by us from people trying to kill him, and we all went back to this universe. All was fine and dandy for a while, until some assholes from his universe came to ours, and blew my ship out of the sky. Luckily, we landed in the water, all survived.”
“Are those guys still here?”
“Far as I know, yeah.”
“So there’s a spaceship or spaceships in orbit of Earth at this moment?”
“And they most likely have the firepower to annihilate cities and such?”
“And this doesn’t worry you?”
“The annihilating cities part? Not really. I doubt they’d do that. The giant ships in orbit? Quite a bit.”
“Alright. So, you landed in the water?”
“Yep. And then I called Jeff the Killer, who has a boat bought from money I loaned him.”
AGrim did a “time-out” motion with her hands. “Ok, ok, wait. Jeff the Killer?”
“Yeah. We’re cool now.”
“Wait, the Jeff the Killer? He’s actually real?”
“Yep. Pretty sure I mentioned that last time we did a Rifftique."
“I thought you were joking.”
“I was not. But yeah, he’s real, along with a whole host of other Jeff knockoffs.”
“Wait, even the knockoffs are real?”
“Some, yeah. But, getting back on track, they’re on a boat called the JeffxOC. It was a condition of mine that boat be named that. And, after splash landing, Jeff came around, and picked us up. But not before I checked my ex-girlfriend’s room – ”
“You had a girlfriend?”
“Yes, and I’ll try not to be offended you asked that.”
“I didn’t mean it like that – ” AGrim started.
Dorkpool waved his hand. “It’s fine. But yes, I had a girlfriend, who was one of those catgirl folks. You know, like in anime?”
“Yeah, pretty much. In her room, she had a picture of her and some other costumed folks. The picture was labeled, ‘Other Heroes.’ I came to the logical conclusion that she was part of a team of superheroes.”
“I’m not even gonna question this stuff anymore.” AGrim grumbled.
“Thank you. So, I go back to the boat, picture in tow. And for a while, everything’s fine, until Jane the Killer pops up and fucks shit up.”
Dorkpool stopped, waiting for a question.
“Well? Go on.” AGrim said.
“Jane’s soon killed, but I realized that me and my friends – ”
“My friends and I.”
“It’s actually ‘my friends and I,’ not ‘me and my friends.’”
“Does it even matter?”
“We’re both literary critics. It should.”
“Ok. Anyway, my friends and I – ” Dorkpool said, emphasizing the last four word. AGrim nodded. “Well, we were in danger. I realized that, and figured the only people who could help us are superheroes. And, since there’s someone in that picture who I’ve met before – not talking about my ex here – and have some idea of his location, I decided to try to find him. So, I got a motorboat, the Motorboaty McBreastFace, and drove to land.”
“Ok. So, why did you come here? Did you need my help for something?”
“What? No. I just passed the club on the way, and wondered if it had anything to do with you.”
“Oh,” AGrim said, sounding slightly dejected.
“I found a story called ‘Game.Parent,’ and I figured it’d be great material for a Rifftique.”
“Well, let’s take a look at it then.”
AGrim: The story today is possibly one of the more… baffling stories I have ever read.
Dorkpool: I’d personally use the word “stupid,” but that’s just me.
AGrim: This story is confusing, weird, and yes, incredibly stupid. Yet, honestly, none of this is a surprise, since it comes from the Roblox Creepypasta Wiki.
Dorkpool: Wait, Roblox Creepypasta Wiki? What is it and how have I never heard of it until now?
AGrim: I believe the quality of the stories on the wiki might play a part.
Dorkpool: Ohhh…it’s that kind of Wiki. Well, I know where I’m getting more Riff material from.
AGrim: I'll explain the game first, for those unfamiliar. Roblox is a building and crafting game that, despite drawing comparisons with Minecraft, was made many years before it. I'm not a fan of it, and as far as I can tell, most fans of the game are particularly young.
Dorkpool: And yet they somehow unintentionally created “Happy Appy.”
AGrim: Well, I did say "most" fans.
Dorkpool: Yeah, there’s always that weird minority. Right, My Little Pony fans?
AGrim: Trust me, as a... fan of the show (hopefully saying that doesn't cause me to lose all credibility), I can affirm "Lil Miss Rarity" still kinda sucks.
Dorkpool: “Kinda” sucks? Wow, you are way too nice to that story.
AGrim: Anyway, back to the main subject. I’ve read many stories on the Roblox Creepypasta Wiki, and I can say that I’ve enjoyed almost all of them.
Dorkpool: Wait, you enjoyed those stories but not “Lost Episodes?” Boy, I bet Slimebeast’s pretty jealous.
AGrim: I don't enjoy them in earnest, no, but instead because most of them are hilarious.
Dorkpool: Are you sure it’s not the Roblox Trollpasta Wiki?
AGrim: If only. Honestly, all the comments on today's story are highly positive and completely lacking in sarcasm, as far as I can tell. It is a bit of an understatement to say that we disagree.
Dorkpool: Understatement of the millenium. Anyway, today’s Rifftique story, “Game.Parent.” What an amazing title. It just screams out…actually, I have no idea what a title like this screams out.
AGrim: Vague titles just add to the "hype". Shall we just dive in?
Dorkpool: Of course. So, let’s get out our ROBLOX Creepypasta Wiki badges, and Riff this bitch!
As I set up the carpet, I avoid getting my feet wet in the wet grass.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I dislike wearing footwear outside.
It was still dark, we are waiting for the sun to rise. We sat down and ate. We chat a bit. The sunrise was amazing, as it shown above the town. We were all excited because it was our first time to see something this cool.
AGrim: You’ve never seen the sunrise?
As we played a few games, I received a call from my mom. She sounded panicked, sad, or worried. She said that my sister died while on ROBLOX.
Dorkpool: Because that’s a relevant detail to add.
AGrim: I’m surprised that she didn’t mention what game she was playing, who she was playing with, the specific time, what she was wearing; frankly, I expected more. I’m disappointed.
She doesnt know why but her head just disappeared. Like she was decapitated and the head was stolen.
When I came in the room, I felt more angry than sad. I looked at the PC, and it appears that she was scripting. I have no knowledge of lua, but I do see something like "Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent.Parent" Me and my mom cried heavily.
What if game has a parent?
Dorkpool: Well, of course a game has a parent. When a mommy game and a daddy game love each other very much…
If you dont know what Parent means, its the container of an object in a game. For example, game.Workspace.EPIKGAMERMAN.Torso. The parent of Torso is EPIKGAMERMAN, and the parent of EPIKGAMERMAN is Workspace. Game has no parent, because game is the game itself.
Dorkpool: That’s ROBLOX for you.
But the question remains, why does game have a parent in the story sent to me?
I come to investigate.
When I arrived at PinkAndPurpleSkull's house, or, in short, Anna's house, the police were already everywhere. The mom seen crying in the distance, and the investigators and cops are all confused. As I cuddle myself in my coat in the cold, the policemen stopped me.
"Sorry, miss, you cant pass."
"Im here to investigate"
I showed him my ROBLOX Creepypasta Wiki badge. Yes, I had one just in case.
Dorkpool: I have multiple reactions to this. I’d like to share them all. Ahem. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wait, seriously? Are you fucking serious? Is this shit for real? Where do you get a badge? Do all Creepypasta Wikis hand them out? Have I been denied a Creepypasta Wiki badge? And, also, what is even the fuck?
AGrim: Does this badge have the authority to let you enter crime scenes? Does being part of the ROBLOX Creepypasta Wiki automatically give you FBI-level detective skills? Just… how can anybody put down the words, “ROBLOX Creepypasta Wiki badge”, and keep it in their story? Whatever. If this story wasn’t doomed to fail already, I think this line just sunk the whole ship.
"This is not a game."
AGrim: Hey, at least the officer recognizes that the badge is bullshit!
"Anna's sister's death had something to do with ROBLOX. You should have noticed that by now."
The policemen made a quiet agreement and decided to let me pass.
Dorkpool: Congratulations, officer. Out of all the stories I’ve Riffed that have dumbass police officers, you’ve officially become the dumbest of all of them. Congrats to you, fucknut. Please do not reproduce.
Anna's house looked like a happy home, but its gone gloomy because of the events. I shed a single tear, and walked up the stairs to find the trail of blood. The trail must have been Anna's sister's while she was being dragged to the police ambulance thing for investigation. The cops were investigating the computer.
"Ma'am, you are not supposed to be here"
"The police gave me permission. Ask them if you want"
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I used my ROBLOX Creepypasta Wiki badge, which apparently authorizes me to be on crime scenes.
"Hmm. Are you here for the computer?"
The policemen walked away from the computer, and watched me. I sat down, put on my gloves and went through the PC. I looked at the studio which was left open, and saw that she was on Run mode. I looked at the scripts, and saw one that isnt renamed, probably meaning its the last one she made. I opened it, and was shocked.
AGrim (Narrator): It was a completely regular script for the game, and I had just wasted everybody’s time.
Somehow, she was able to delete her own head through the studio.
Dorkpool: I think the believability in this story has been stretched more than Mr. Fantastic.
I looked at the cops and they read the script. They were shocked. They called the others through the walky-talky and they stampeded through the door, all reading the script in shock. They replugged the computer to another source, leaving the PC on somehow, and took it away.
A few minutes later, all traces of people were gone. I was alone in the house now. I did not feel safe alone. I wrote on my wrist the script, just in case I forget it.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I need to remember the script for this story so I call follow the next contrivance the author pulls out of his ass.
At home, I went scripting immediately. I did an Instance script to spawn an AI in the baseplate with the help of the anna's sister's code, hoping it works.
It worked. For some reason, though, my computer screen turned futuristic, like I was in 2020.
Dorkpool: Why 2020 of all years? Why not 2099? Or 2069?
AGrim: This author is not only a detective, but also can see the future. He is just that talented.
The humanoid looked exactly like Anna, but with her head this time. The body shape, hair color and face and clothes, and everything, looked so accurate. I was amazed. But the AI appeared to be sleeping, but not breathing, like anna's sister, now that she's dead.
AGrim: Thank you for clarifying that Anna’s sister wasn’t breathing after she died. I had no idea.
The next day, I went to the house to investigate. Anna and her mom were in the house, so I knocked.
"Who's there?", someone said in a quiet voice.
"Im an investigator. Im here to investigate your sister's case"
Dorkpool: Worst knock knock joke ever.
Anna opened the door gently, and let me in.
"Sorry for interrupting."
"Its okay. June's room is upstairs."
Dorkpool: Who the fuck is June?
The room seemed empty, and nothing interesting was there. I turned on the lights, and went through her closet. As I was digging through the motherload of clothes, I found a trapdoor. I opened it and found rope. Again, like I get everyday, I was shocked.
AGrim: I think “easily shocked” is the only true character trait we know about the author.
Dorkpool: Let’s not forget that he also has a ROBLOX Creepypasta Wiki badge. That’s a very important character trait.
June already wanted to suicide for some reason.
Dorkpool: But does she know how to suicide?
I put the rope in my backpack so the family wouldnt cry heavier. With the rope was a number. It said it was the number of Quiet Death.
I called the number.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): And was immediately greeted by Muzak. I mean, seriously? Come on. I have a ROBLOX Creepypasta Wiki badge for Christ’s sake.
"Hello, Quiet Death here. How may I help you?"
"Do you know about June?"
AGrim (Quiet Death): Yes, it comes yearly.
"Yes. She decided to die through ROBLOX."
Dorkpool: I think you mean “how.”
"She said her grades were very low" He said this in an exaggerated voice.
"Have a nice day!"
AGrim: At least he’s polite.
I went down to Anna's mom. She said her grades were very high indeed. If her grades were high then was Quiet Death lying?
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Or was this a typo?
Obviously, he was. I went to the police station. They granted me permission to investigate the computer. I asked the cops if they knew about Quiet Death.
"Quiet Death is a fake company of one person who is a killer. He is capable of anything. If you send anything to him, indirectly or directly, he will find you and ask if you have suicidal thoughts, and ask how do you want to suicide, and kill you in that way. We did not arrest him due to the fact he is doing the right thing and showing suicide is a sin."
Dorkpool: I…WHAT?!?!?! By the Preservers’ pants, you must be the worst police force ever written. You’re making the morons in “Jeff the Killer” look like the cops on Law & Order.
AGrim: The detective in “Sonic.exe/Round 2” is smarter than these policemen. To make your policemen this goddamn stupid is an absolute achievement.
The cop walked away, in a rush. I went home, and equipped my sword and scabbard for obvious reasons.
I close my case.
It was a suicide.
Dorkpool: It was stupid.
June called a random number and found out he was Quiet Death, so she wrote it down to send to the cops. While she was scripting, she pressed the Run button and did not notice the somewhat cursed script. Turns out, ROBLOX is capable of anything through scripting.
Dorkpool: Which I’m sure you’re well aware of, thanks to your ROBLOX Creepypasta Wiki badge.
AGrim: ROBLOX can do anything? Oh man, I can’t wait to see the conspiracy theories. Imagine it: “ROBLOX DID 9/11 CONFIRMED”, or maybe “ROBLOX FOUND RESPONSIBLE FOR DEATH OF PRINCESS DIANA”. Just think of all the possibilities! Who knows, maybe ROBLOX itself wrote this story.
Dorkpool: Then ROBLOX can’t do one thing: write a good story.
The futurism means that Quiet Death made the computer advanced for a certain task.
"Sir, you have got to see this."
"People are being killed"
"That happens everyday"
Dorkpool: Thank you, Officer Useless.
"No I mean their body parts are disappearing causing death. We cant explain this"
AGrim: Where is this happening? How many people are being affected? Is it branching out and attacking random people now? If not, then isn’t this ending completely pointless (well, even more pointless) since we know people are already dying from “ROBLOX”? How many fucking questions does this random ending propose?
Dorkpool: Try not to think about it. You’ll give yourself a brain hemorrhage or something.
AGrim: This story sucks.
Dorkpool: You don’t say.
AGrim: I think I’ll address the first major problem here: the concept is extremely ridiculous. I can barely believe that somebody came up with this and actually believed that it was a good, serious idea.
Dorkpool: Considering some of the shit I’ve read, I can and do, and am not surprised.
AGrim: I think we both can at least be surprised by one thing, however: “Roblox Creepypasta Wiki Badge”? Was this author thinking straight when writing this?
Dorkpool: Personally, I think the author might’ve been huffing some paint thinners or something while writing this. Also, on the topic of the stupid-ass badge, I have to ask: are there badges like this for every Wiki? Because I think we both deserve Creepypasta Wiki Badges. But I digress.
AGrim: Regardless, the whole concept of a person “dying” through Roblox code is unbelievable. This whole story seems more like a parody of detective stories, especially since the stupidity of the cops has been intensified and stretched to incredible levels.
Dorkpool: It’s actual quite incredible how stupid they are. I always complain that cops are stupid in bad Creepypasta stories, but the idiocy these cops display is actually amazing. The schmuck from “Sonic.exe: Round 2” is more intelligent than these cops. It’s beautiful, in a stupid sort of way.
AGrim: The police saying that they wouldn’t arrest Quiet Death because he was showing that “suicide is a sin” is some of the most warped logic I’ve ever heard. If I were to kill every greedy person in the world, would I get away with no punishment because I was showing that greed is a sin?
Dorkpool: No, but you’d probably end up destabilizing the world economy since murdering those folks would completely clear out Wall Street. Just saying.
AGrim: I’ll just move on. The main character has little to no personality besides being easily shocked, as far as I could tell. There is tons of exposition and other nonsensical moments that don’t add up. In addition, the general craft of the writing has many typos, even though it is written a little better than a lot of the other pastas I have read.
Dorkpool: It’s honestly well written compared to a lot of other pastas I’ve read.
AGrim: Oh, and the ending. That goddamn ending.
Dorkpool: You mean the stupidly abrupt one?
AGrim: Indeed. I’ve “studied” it a little more, and while I do understand it better now, it still raises way too many questions and suffers from the sheer idiocy of the rest of the story.
AGrim: I believe the author was trying to convey that Quiet Death was using the “advanced” computer technology to kill people through Roblox’s code as opposed to only killing those who called him. However, we don’t know the scale of the event, why he is doing this now, and what is going on with the character we followed throughout the whole story. There really wasn’t any resolution.
Dorkpool: In fact, like I mentioned, the ending is incredibly abrupt. It’s just some cops (I guess) talking, and one of them saying how many corpses have disappearing body parts, and can’t explain it. The ending doesn’t resolve anything, and, to be honest, the lines of dialogue would’ve been better at the beginning of the story, that way the rest of the story sort of, and I emphasize “sort of,” explains it.
AGrim: I agree with that. Then, for the ending, I think it would have made more sense for Quiet Death to kill the detective. After all, he/she did call Quiet Death, and by this story’s own contrived rules, Quiet Death only kills the people who call him.
Dorkpool: And, let’s all be honest, we want this asshat to die anyhow.
AGrim: Oh god, yes. Yet instead, we got this other terrible ending that makes the police officers look even stupider. Also, if Quiet Death is killing random people now, the police argument that he was showing “suicide was a sin” wouldn’t hold up, as there would be no way Quiet Death would know these people are suicidal.
Dorkpool: Well, not quite. People did call Quiet Death to commit suicide. They’d likely have tapes of these people saying they are suicidal. Granted, assisted suicide isn’t exactly legal, and neither is a medical mercy killing (see: Dr. Kevorkian), so technically the Quiet Death is engaging in illegal activities. However, considering the abject stupidity of the cops, and most likely the entire justice system, Quiet Death would just use these tapes to prove that he was only helping people who wanted to die, and would be let off.
AGrim: I suppose so, but if this was a non-corrupt and accurate justice system, I would think that Quiet Death would have to justify all these random deaths, especially since the police (if not so stupid) could likely check their phones and see they received/made no such call. Either way, the logic behind this story is warped.
Dorkpool: “Warped” is one word for it. Personally, I’d use “nonexistent.” It seems more accurate.
AGrim: Anyway, I think I’ve analyzed this to death. I do think that there are some highlight moments here that make this story entertaining to read (mainly the badge and the incompetence of the police), but on a critical scale, I’d probably settle for a 1.5/10. The extra “0.5” is only there because the story doesn’t have anything particularly tasteless or offensive (as in “gore for the sake of gore” or something like that), and that bit of enjoyment I get from it is enough to at least put it above other stories that I truly despise.
Dorkpool: Personally, I’d just say this story sucks. Admittedly, it’s kind of fun in its stupidity, but, at the end of a day, it’s a really stupid story. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Rifftique good? Do you wish we’d called Quiet Death and learn first hand that suicide is a sin? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
“Well, that’s that then," Dorkpool stated.
“So it would seem. What are you going to do now?” AGrim asked.
“Gonna go to a town called Rockshire, and continue my epic quest.”
“Do you know where Rockshire is?”
“But of course! Why wouldn’t I? I know exactly where I’m going and what I’m doing," Dorkpool affirmed.
They both stood in silence for a minute.
“You have no idea where Rockshire is,” AGrim said.
“Not in the slightest.”
AGrim chuckled a bit to herself. “It’s a bit north of here. When you start seeing a bunch of empty buildings, you’ve found the right place.”
“Empty buildings? Is it that crappy a place?”
“No. The economy hit the town hard.”
“Didn’t seem to hit you too hard though.”
AGrim shrugged. “People like my club.”
“It would seem that way. I, however, don’t have time to stay and dance. Also, I can’t dance. So, I shall be going now,” Dorkpool said, getting up and walking to the door. “Nice meeting you face-to-face.”
Dorkpool opened the door. “Oh, by the way, can you play something else besides Katy Perry?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Alrighty then. Bye.” Dorkpool said, and left.
AGrim sat alone, the only sound remaining being the loud bass of the club’s music.
“What a weirdo,” she muttered.
For more of AGrim's Critiques, go here.