Mirror: Wait, what are you wearing?
Dorkpool: A Spider-Man costume.
Dorkpool: Because we’re Riffing a Spider-Man story, and I like Spider-Man.
Mirror: Oh, I get it. When we Riff something you’re psychotically obsessed with, you get to cosplay as someone from that, but when we Riff something I’m psychotically obsessed with, I can’t cosplay.
Dorkpool: For the last time, you’re not cosplaying as Nora when we Riff another RWBY story. I’m honestly surprised and somewhat disturbed that you have a Nora costume.
Mirror: Well, I look damn good in it.
Dorkpool: Ok. Moving along from that mentally scarring image, ever see the 90s Spider-Man series? We have, and so has the writer of the story we’re Riffing today, “The Lost Spider-Man Episode.” So, let’s only throw three punches throughout a series, and Riff this bitch!
I remember that when I was a little kid, I used to LOVE the old Spider-Man cartoon.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I also used to love this show called “Candle Cove,” which I swear wasn’t static!
Now I see it as cheesy (and terrifying), but mostly cheesy. Not that much violence, until I saw this episode.
Mirror: (Narrator): The amount of violence in this episode would make the 90s Batman series shit its pants in terror.
I had bought it off an anonymous seller on craigslist, saying he had all the episodes of the series burned onto this one CD, including the beginning of the third season, which was never aired. I felt giddy with joy over this, and, any any person with nostalgic feelings would, I bought it for the cheap price of $4.50. As I returned home, I felt so excited that I nearly crashed into a fire hydrant.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Thankfully, I only crashed into a lamp post.
Whoa. I ran down stairs to my Xbox 360, popped the CD in and hoped it would read. It did. "Thank god!".
As I watched the episodes, some things were wrong. Low quality, mainly. He did say he burned them onto a CD, so the quality was gonna be crappy.
Mirror: Also, you paid $4.50 for the entire series. Did you really expect HD?
I watched the season finale of Season 2, and moved on to Season 3. It was titled "The Death Of Spider-Man" and there was no intro.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Just Spider-Man taking a bullet for Captain America, and fighting the Sinister Six.
Rather, just a still image of Venom ripping Spider-Man's eye out. He was missing teeth, and the world looked abysmal. Shocked, I continued watching. It began with Spider-Man being dropped off in this new world, where Mary Jane was supposed to be in.
Mirror: (Spider-Man): Hey, MJ, we’re married in the new reboot! Come on, let’s go!
It was sad to see the city like this, being a New York native myself. Red sky, with it raining blood, I suppose.
What else is red and a liquid?
Dorkpool: The Carnage symbiote. Tomato soup. Red wine. Really, a lot of things are.
Spider-Man continued swinging, until he found Venom. I nearly vomited as the next scene flashed into the TV. Mary Jane being eaten and torn in half by Venom, who was covered in fresh blood. It looked like as if I would touch it, I would get blood on my hands.
Mirror: Hello, “Squidward’s Suicide,” how are you?
Venom threw her aside, and spoke in Latin. I took Latin when I was in high school. He roughly said that "god is dead" and that "the world as you know it is over".
Dorkpool: “God is dead?” Cue the Black Sabbath!
This is where the goriest thing I've ever seen happens. Venom grabs Spidey's eye, tears it out, and smashes his teeth out. I covered my face so that the teeth wouldn't hit me, as they looked so real... Venom then grabbed poor Spidey and bit him... in half.
He tore him apart, and it really started to get disturbing. Flashes of dead people were on the screen.
Mirror: (Narrator): I see dead people.
One looked like me. He was torn apart similarly to how Spider-Man was.
Wait, I hear a knocking at the door. Wonder who it is...
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Oh, hi, Sheldon.
OH MY GOD IT'S VENOM! OH GOD HELP ME!
The following journal was found at the house of Thomas Jenkins, who was torn apart at the waist, with what appears to be bite marks at the area where the ribs end. He has been skinned and dismembered. The killer is still at large.
Mirror: (Narrator): If you have any information about the killer, we advise you to stop smoking whatever the hell you’re smoking, since Venom is a fictional character.
Dorkpool: This story sucks.
Mirror: Why do most lost episode stories have to rip off “Squidward’s Suicide?” It’s really rather tiring. Yes, we get it, this lost episode is scary because of the blood and realistic effects and ahhhh! 2spoopy4me. We get it. But you can try doing something original. This story doesn’t, not really. It has the marks of a “Squidward’s Suicide” wannabe, and a stupid “it’s coming for you next” ending. Hell, why is this even a Spider-Man story? You could’ve had any superhero or whatnot here, and had the same effect. If you’re going to do a lost episode story based on a character, make it unique to them. This, however, doesn’t do it. It also raises quite a few questions. For example, how did the guy on craigslist get the episode? How come Venom came out of the episode? Why was Tom writing this whole story in a journal, and ended it by saying Venom attacked him? Why not just run when he notices Venom? Why did Venom knock on the door? Why did Venom give Tom enough time to finish this story? How come Venom attacked and killed Tom, anyway? This was the 90s Spider-Man show. Around this time, Venom was Eddie Brock, and Brock wasn’t someone who killed innocent people. Hell, he became an anti-hero at one point. Later, he’d go nuts, and the symbiote would transfer to two other hosts (Mac Gargan, AKA Scorpion and Flash Thompson, AKA the guy who bullied Peter in high school). However, Venom killing innocent people doesn’t quite work. Also, Venom was introduced during the third season. It was around season five that Spidey did the whole dimension hopping thing. Congratulations, you got the continuity wrong.
Dorkpool: There are some good things. The story’s short, which is nice. The spelling and grammar are pretty good (and Spider-Man was spelled with a hyphen, as it should be). However, it’s still a bad story. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you think we went overboard on continuity? Do you wish Venom would kill us? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.