"’The Alternate Universe: Collapse,’" Dorkpool read from his computer. "Batman’s mentioned here. Oh, this is going to be good."
Suddenly, another figure appears behind him. This one is similar to Dorkpool…but different. Where Dorkpool has a more TNG costume, this figure has a Mirror Universe sash, along with…
"Is that a goatee drawn on your mask?" Dorkpool asked once he turned around.
"Yes, a new universe to con- wait, what?" the figure asked.
"Did you draw a goatee on your little Deadpool mask?" Dorkpool asked again.
"Maybe…aren’t you wondering who I am, or why I’m here?"
"Well, judging by your costume, you’re either a confused cosplayer or a Mirror Universe version of me. You call yourself Dorkpool, right?"
"I…yes…" the Mirror Dorkpool admitted.
"Alrighty then. Your motivations and such can wait until after the Riff."
"You do Riffs too?"
"Well, duh. If you want to, we can Riff this story about alternate timelines together."
"Very well. And afterwards, I shall conquer your universe! MWHAHAHAHA!"
"Hey! No backstory or whatnot until after the Riff."
Dorkpool: I love the idea of alternate universes. The idea that there are multiple versions and variations of the life you know and love fascinates me.
Mirror: I have to say the same, which is kind of why I’m in this universe-
Dorkpool: No backstory yet!
Dorkpool: Anyway, alternate universes apparently fascinate other people besides me, like the writer of this lovely little tale, "The Alternate Universe: Collapse." Is it any good in this universe? Well, let’s become Batman and Riff this bitch to find out!
Torture true light we both see this; you and I unsee the doors of Black Tower. – The Red Code
Mirror: No idea.
You were sitting there. I can see you.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I see you masturbating.
You were watching the Science channel.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Which makes the fact that you’re masturbating pretty weird.
That thing you go to every once in a while that lurks somewhere in the obscure never-realms of your Comcast cable. I'll watch with you.
We're listening some guy adjusting his voice, trying to be a clone of Morgan Freeman while talking in the speech patterns of Stephen Hawking.
Mirror: Stop giving the Jackal ideas.
Dorkpool: You had the Clone Saga in your universe?
Mirror: I would answer, but you said no backstory until after the Riff.
Dorkpool: Curse my shortsightedness!
He is reading about the "alternate universe theory."
The proposal reads that, in existence, there are an infinite amount of alternate realities. They were created as the result of different possibilities. In other words, every possibility is seen through in another universe.
Mirror: Wow, what a shock.
Dorkpool: Shia Surprise.
This chain of possibilities is measurable by the singularities in space and time.
A singularity refers to the smallest possible amount of something. Typically it is used to refer to space and time before the big bang.
Your atheist-leaning mind concludes that this theory is far too precise and meticulous. You "realize" that for reality to be this exact, nice and proper, it must have been crafted by a higher being.
Dorkpool: As an Atheist, I have to say that you’re full of crap.
This higher being, according to your rationale, cannot exist, and thus you dismiss this theory as the work of pseudo-science.
You dismiss the reality changing theory and replace the content of that brain space with a comedic realization. "Hey, does that mean, somewhere, out there, I am Batman?"
Dorkpool: Well, with the way DC keeps rebooting itself, that’s pretty likely at this point.
Yes. Yes you are. I've seen you be Batman in the trillions of trillions of realities where the possibilities lead to you dawning the iconic identity of The Dark Knight. But you won't believe that I've done this. And who the Hell am I?
Mirror: (Narrator): I’m Batman!
I used to be finite. But then, through meditation, I became aware of my condition. Not that I see the theory, I see the reality of the situation. I also become willing to join a higher existence...in fact, I thirst for it.
Dorkpool: You thirsty ho.
The thought of joining the chaos became my singular desire. Now, before I explain my present existence, allow me to explain the inevitable demise of everything you cherish.
Mirror: (Narrator): It’s called "reality TV."
Have you ever been driving across a road you have driven across for thirty years, have complete solid confidence in the fact that the speed limit on this highway is 45 mph...only to find the speed limit to be 50 mph? Have you ever been listening to your favorite song, in the same format you've always claimed it on, only to hear an entire measure changed, or, if most severely, removed?
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Congratulations! You’re going insane!
These are not your fallacies through perception - they are an actual change in the world beyond your own physical existence. They are not "misinterpretation" or complete "misconceptions." This is reality. You have slipped between universes.
Mirror: I speak from experience when I say it’s pretty annoying.
We revisit the concept of singularities. Attempt to grasp the concept of a singularity in time. In this space of time, you slip into another universe that has one change from the existence that you previously existed inside. Although, another singularity before, you existed in a previous universe, so you might as well not consider any universe home. When you notice this really odd change, that is a sign that you have traveled through enough universes for the accumulation of changes to become visible.
Dorkpool: That’s nice and all, but when do I become Batman?
Interestingly, you may not notice these visible changes,
Mirror: (Narrator): …because you’re pretty unobservant.
due to moving to different places or separating yourself from an object or piece of art - possibly not even coming in contact with the piece in question. You may also never experience the realization of change because the changes that have traversed as you traveled through time and space have been far too separate to culminate in a visible change within the span of your human lifetime.
Dorkpool: The only thing I got from reading that was "wibbly wobbly timey wimey."
One notices that, as you jump universes, you are in the same position performing the same activity. So one would figure that the bodily versions of "us" swap universes. When a singularity of time occurs, you enter one universe and replace the other version of "you." The "other version" of you transports to the universe which you previously inhabited.
Dorkpool: Is that true?
You are unfortunately and completely wrong.
Let us give both you as you know yourself and the you of the "next universe" names. You are Joseph and the "other version" of you is David.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): None of you are Batman.
David, after Joseph replaces him...has never existed. Due to Joseph's transportation, the previous universe is completely absent of David.
Mirror: (Narrator): It’s really not much of a loss.
Now, let us return to Joseph's previous home. That universe now holds an empty vacuum where Joseph used to live. The vacuum of space is violently filled with atoms of air and dust and other things - possibly water.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Or maybe booze.
The atoms clash with each other so violently that they explode in rapid succession, causing an explosion so violent that a chain reaction occurs which eventually leads to a devastating collapse of the previous universe. Meanwhile, in the "second universe," Joseph and David are so close that Joseph is a perfect substitute for David. But don't worry, Joseph will soon enough replace Daniel.
Both: Who the fuck is Daniel?
So what is our final conclusion? That with every singularity of time, a universe collapses. And it's your fault.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Good going, buddy. You committed genocide on a universal scale.
That is your conclusion. Sadly for you, you can't control this phenomenon. Everybody you love and hate is suffering the most painful of demises on a constant basis and it's all because of YOU.
Unfortunately, a human's lifetime is not nearly enough to destroy all of existence.
Mirror: (Narrator): Don’t worry, I’m working on fixing that.
Only a very small portion of universes collapse.
Dorkpool: Unless DC decides otherwise.
Such a small portion that billions upon billions of human lives are not even close to sufficient. Not even the entire biosphere of Earth is sufficient. Not even the biosphere of THE UNIVERSE is sufficient. And we're not even factoring in this whole theory that everybody exists in copies and variations in other universes. We're talking about an amount of parallel structures so vast that they can sustain populations unimaginably large.
Though the unimaginably large populations do cause plenty of misery.
Mirror: (Narrator): But I want more misery.
I do estimate that before the human race extinguishes, a major portion of reality will succumb to a color darker than black. I do hope the entirety.
So since so many of your realities are about to collapse, and you are now completely self-conscious of reality, why don't I explain myself?
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Because the author didn’t come up with a good backstory for me.
I am the color darker than black.
I am CATHFULLY ENTO EVERCREATION. Or at least, that's how you would interpret my name.
Mirror: Well, your name’s pretty stupid.
I used to be a person who jumped universes, just like you, you selfish being of life.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): But then I took an arrow to the knee.
But then I had my great realization. When I experienced my realization, I enjoyed swimming in the primordial soup that makes up existence, reality, emotion, love, people, material....EVERYTHING. But since, I have evolved my being to grasp control of this chaos. In other words, I HAVE PRACTICALLY CONQUERED GOD.
Dorkpool: Good job. Do you want a cookie?
All realities, when they fall, they join to form pure chaos. And I am the Lord of Chaos.
And now that you are aware of ME, and YOUR INEVITABLE FATE...I ask for company. This collection of dead, rotting pure existence is beginning to bore me. Come with me to a universe where the differences aren't merely miniscule or slightly noticeable. Come to me in a reality where you rule the world. Come to me where you rule the world with an iron fist.
Mirror: I already do.
Dorkpoo: Hey! No backstory!
Come to me where you rule your sister with the greatest emotional domination. Come to me where you regularly soak your offspring to molten lava. Come to me where the apocalypse is your creation. Come to me where you are The Dark Lord.
Dorkpool: Is there wi-fi?
And if you don't go with me, I don't mind. You'll get there eventually. And you won't even realize it.
Mirror: (Narrator): But, then again, you’re pretty unobservant.
Dorkpool: This story doesn’t really suck. It’s actually pretty interesting, and reflects some theories and ideas I’ve had (like people going betwixt universes or what not). However, it isn’t perfect. There are really two things that hurt it: the mention of Batman, and that ending.
Mirror: Seriously, why mention Batman? Was that a subtle "Crisis on Infinite Earths" reference? EXPLAIN, STORY.
Dorkpool: And the ending was just kind of silly. Having the Narrator be some weird being was kind of stupid. Honestly, I think the whole "erasing of existence" was creepy enough on its own. But, all in all, this isn’t a bad story.
"Alright, Mirror Me, now you can tell me your little backstory." Dorkpool said to his counterpart.
"I come from an alternate universe I have completely conquered. Everyone there is subservient to me. I rule with an iron fist, and crush any sort of resistance from anyone. At this point, there is none in my universe, and it is perfect. So, I have decided to come to a different universe, and spread the perfection I have created to you people." Mirror Dorkpool explained.
"Did you bring any reinforcements?" Dorkpool asked."
"Enough to conquer a universe?"
"Well," Dorkpool said. "it seems to me that you suck at conquest."
"It’s been a while. And I don’t need weapons if I have you." Mirror said.
"Me? Please explain."
"Simple. We work together to conquer this universe, and I let you rule it."
"That’s your plan?"
"You don’t know very much about me, do you?"
"I know that you’re me, and I’m you."
"Well, sort of. Unlike you, I really don’t have a taste for conquest and rule. I pin that on a skull headed fellow by the name of Zorax, who basically wanted me to be his successor, and continue his work of conquest." Dorkpool explained.
"You had a Zorax too?"
"Have, actually. Guy’s still around."
"I don’t have that problem. I took over after him, and killed him. I can do the same for you, if you agree to help me conquer this universe." Mirror Dorkpool offered.
"How do I know that you’ll be able to kill my Zorax?"
"I’ve done it before, I can do it again."
Dorkpool thought about this for a minute. On the one hand, Zorax is a real threat, and his defeat will save millions, perhaps billions, of lives. On the other, he’d have to help his counterpart conquer a universe. Maybe he could sway Mirror Dorkpool away from conquest. But if he couldn’t, he’d have to stop Mirror Dorkpool. It’s a hard decision, but Dorkpool made it.
"I’m probably going to regret it, but very well. If you stop Zorax, I’ll help you. However, there’s one other condition I have."
"You’re going to do Riffs with me whenever I ask."
Mirror Dorkpool put out his hand.
Dorkpool shook it.
So, what do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you like having two Dorkpools? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.