Mirror: So I’ve heard. Are you surprised?
Dorkpool: Not at all.
Mirror: So what does this have to do with anything?
Dorkpool: Nothing really. However, Fox owns the movie rights to Fantastic Four, and to the X-Men. The most popular X-Man movie wise is Wolverine. Wolverine slices and dices his enemies. And today’s story is called “Slice 'N Dice.”
Mirror: That is some six degrees of separation shit right there.
Dorkpool: Yep! Anyway, let’s have a stupid name and Riff this bitch!
A young man was running down the road in fear, tears dropping out of his eyes as he took a sharp turn to escape the figure who was giving chase behind him.
Dorkpool: (Figure): Wait! I need to talk to you about Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
"L-Leave me alone! Please!" the man shouted, trying to get the figure to stop giving chase. The figure only chuckled at the man's stupidity, and started chasing him faster, until it was right a few feet from the man. The man took a sharp left turn and ran into an alley, just for his eyes to widen at the sight before him, it was a dead end.
The figure stepped closer, snickering at the man's fear. He backed up and started crying harder. "P-Please, I have kids!" he cried. That just made the figure smile wildly and walk closer to him, the man backed up into a corner and accepted his fate. The figure rose its hands, with blades in the tips, and stabbed them into the man's eyes. He screamed as blood splattered out of his eyes, which was being slowly pulled out by the figure, who was grinning widely underneath the red hoodie.
Dorkpool: You know, she wears the red hoodie so blood doesn’t stain it. It’s a similar reason to why the guy being killed is wearing brown pants.
The figure yanked her hands back and the man's eyes were on the blades, dripping blood, and the man laid on the ground clutching his eyes in pain. The figure growled at the man's sobbing and pulled its arm back, and slammed the blades into his chest, causing the male to cough up blood. Then he stopped breathing and the figure removed the hand from the man's chest. The man was silent, and if anything, dead. The figure brought its hand up to its hood, and pulled it down, revealing a brown haired girl with hazel eyes. This girl, is called Slice N Dice,
Mirror: Fun fact: Wolverine was almost called Slice N Dice, before his creator realized how stupid that name was.
her original name was August Willow, she was an A+ student who always was nice to people but, as you can tell she changed. She changed because of her past, the terrible thing that happened to her, made her this way.
It all started when she was 14, she was a quiet girl, but was always loved among many. She always did good things for people, but she stopped doing good things after one of her friends, Jeffrey Woods, was burnt and bleached in a fire.
She was close to this boy, and his brother, but that all changed the night after Jeff was sent home from the hospital. It was late at night and she heard a sound from downstairs, so like anybody else, she thought it was a burglar, so she grabbed a baseball bat and was going to go and check if somebody was in her house. Her hand slowly opened her door and it creaked open, she exited her room after taking in a deep breath and walked down the hallway. As she got closer to downstairs, the smell of rot and death hit her nose, which made her worry.
Mirror: (August): -sniffs- Hm. Smells like Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign.
When she was downstairs, she felt as if she was being watched, as if her every movement was being recorded by somebody's eyes. The smell of rot got even worse when she got close to her parent's room, and the door was cracked open slightly, light showing through it. She kept her mouth as silent as possible as she pushed the door open, and her eyes widened. There on the bed, was her parents, gutted and bloody. "Oh my god!"
Dorkpool: (August): I don’t have a bed time anymore! Woot woot!
August shouted as she stared at the corpses. Little did she realize, a pale hand went over her mouth with a rag, August screamed and thrashed but then started getting dozy, and soon passed out.
After about an hour, August regained consciousness and looked around, her vision was blurry still, so she couldn't see that well. She tried to get up, just to realize that she couldn't move and looked down and to her shock, she was tied up. Ropes were tied around her feet, waist, and hands.
Mirror: Well, someone’s into some kinky shit.
"Please! Whoever you are, let me go!" August cried, just to receive a chuckle from behind her. Her eyes widened, that chuckle was familiar, and it sounded like Jeff's chuckle.
"I see you're awake, good morning," August heard. August then knew automatically that it was Jeff.
"J-Jeff, untie me!" August sobbed. She couldn't understand why her best friend would tie her up.
Dorkpool: He read Fifty Shades of Grey, and got some ideas from it.
"Oh! Poor August, being tied up is the least of your worries," Jeff laughed. August's eyes widened when a huge knife was sat down on the table next to her, she could see Jeff, but not his face.
"J-Jeff? What's that knife for?!" August asked, fearing the worst. Jeff lifted his head high and laughed.
"You'll see!" Jeff laughed. August shook her head and closed her eyes.
"No! I refuse to see what you're going to do!"
Mirror: (Jeff): Ok, I’ll cut out your eyes then. No biggie.
August cried, clenching her eyes tightly, refusing to open them. She felt Jeff's warm breath hit her neck and she shivered, his breath stunk like blood.
"Come on August, open your eyes
Dorkpool: (singing): Look up to the sky and seeeeee. I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy. Because it’s easy come, easy go, little high, little low.
and look at me," Jeff laughed. August slightly opened her eyes and let out a scream, she was in horror, his face, that smile! She couldn't believe what she saw. Jeff growled at her reaction then started chuckling, and cut the rope around August's waist and pinned her against the table, she thrashed and tried to stand up, but the male had too tight of a grip. Tears were streaming down her face and Jeff moved her hands so they were in sight. August watched as the male reached over and grabbed the large knife, and raised it above her hands. Her eyes were wide and blurry with tears, and watched as Jeff slammed the knife down on her hands, cutting through the skin, making blood squirt everywhere. August was screaming bloody murder while Jeff cut off the rest of the flesh and bones, he was laughing like a psycho.
Mirror: Well, he kind of is a psycho, so that’s rather fitting.
After a few more cuts, Jeff kicked August over and made her land with a thump, her hands were still on the table, and she was left with stubs, which were squirting out blood. August soon lost consciousness thanks to the blood loss, and Jeff escaped the house before the police arrived.
Dorkpool: One day, a bad Creepypasta story will have competent police officers. One day…
When August woke up, she was in the hospital. Memories flashed through her head as she remembered last night. And she quickly glanced down at her stubs, she felt tears rush down her face and she started bawling. A doctor quickly walked in, calming the poor girl down.
"I-I'm hideous! M-My hands!" August cried.
Mirror: Oh, you’re not hideous. Just keep your hands in your pockets. A lot. Then you’ll be good.
The doctor hugged her and looked at a nurse and nodded. A few minutes later, the nurse came back with a shoe box, and handed it to August. August looked at it, wondering what it could be. The nurse and the doctor walked out of the room, and August was left with the box. She looked down at it, and brought her stubs over to the sides of the boxes and opened it, and her eyes widened. Inside the box were metal hands, and a set of 10 knives next to them.
Mirror: Remember the final episode of RWBY Volume 2?
Dorkpool: You mean the giant fight scene? Yeah.
Mirror: Remember when Velvet had that box, but Coco told her not to waste it there, and instead Coco turned her little briefcase into a giant gun in a feat of awesome that defines physics and plausibility?
Dorkpool: Yeah, what about it?
Mirror: You think a set of 10 knives were what Velvet had in that box?
Dorkpool: Not in the slightest.
She looked at them in shock and slipped the subs in them, and much to her surprise, they were like she still had her hands, except dangerous. They moved to her motion, like how hands normally do.
Dorkpool: Do you think she still masturbates?
Dorkpool: Hey, you were thinking it too!
Mirror: Actually, I was still thinking about what was in Velvet’s box.
She heard the doctors walk in and she hid her new hands under a pillow.
"Okay, time for a checkup on your hands," the doctor said, reaching out for her wrist. Her eyes widened and something inside her made her get her hands out of under the pillow and slash a gigantic cut across the doctor's neck. Blood squirted out of the doctor's neck and he coughed up his own blood. August rose from the bed and kicked him over, she then walked out of the room and walked into the elevator. As the door opened, nurses stared at her, blood was splattered all over her clothes. One nurse rose to push the alarm, August ran at her and shredded her body, the nurse's liver went everywhere, and the rest of the doctors and nurses fled the building, leaving August alone.
Mirror: (Nurse): We should call security or the cops or something!
Dorkpool: (Doctor): Nah, it’s cool.
Mirror: (Nurse): But that girl just killed a bunch of people!
Dorkpool: (Doctor): And I can assure you that since we’re in a bad Creepypasta story, the cops will be next to useless.
August finished with her massacre and walked out of the hospital, running into the woods, never to be found again by the news, cops, or anybody. It has been thought that she went to find Jeff, nobody knows why, but it's her plan, and she is ready to kill.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): She wants to kill Jeff, but first she’ll kill a bunch of innocent people. Justice!
Dorkpool: This story sucks.
Mirror: So why does August (I refuse to call her Slice N Dice, since it’s a stupid name. I assume the author realized that too, since she’s only called Slice N Dice once) decide to become a mass murderer? She has no grudge against anyone besides Jeff, and she’s supposed to be this nice girl. I get it, being attacked like that might screw you up a bit, but based on what we know of August, she doesn’t seem like someone who’d go on a murder spree, unless the people she’s killing got in the way of her killing Jeff. But as far as we know, they didn’t. She didn’t have to kill the people at the hospital; she could’ve just looked inside the box, maybe tried on the knives, and hid/take them off. Then, she leaves, and starts formulating a plan to kill Jeff. Boom, body count lowered and the character makes some more sense. See, her becoming a serial killer would make more sense if the people she cared about or were nice to were horrified by what she looked like, and decided to shun her. Maybe there are some parts beforehand where she’s shown being nice to people, and seems kind but naïve, since maybe these people are also giant shallow assholes. Maybe have her parents also be shallow or something, and they shun her too. This is a rude wakeup call to just how much the world sucks, and this is why she decides to kill people: she realizes humanity is made up of assholes, and they need to die. Sure, it’s not the best story, but it does make sense for the character. The way this story is presently written doesn’t quite work for the character. I mean, our first appearance of her is her chasing and killing a guy who’s begging for mercy. We don’t know what he did or why she’s doing this, just that she’s chasing down and killing a guy who has children. If he had information on Jeff and she was trying to extract it by torture, then maybe I’d understand, but as far as we know, he doesn’t. But yeah, she kills a guy with a family, and then we’re told she was once a nice girl. We’re never shown that, mind you, just told. Anyway, even ignoring the character inconsistencies, there still are quite a few flaws. Like Jeff. Why did he do what he did to August? With Jane, this made some more sense: he might have a thing for Jane, and wanted her to be “beautiful” like him. Here though, he just appears in her house and attacks a girl who was nice to him. You know, if you assume that most Jeff spinoffs take place in the same universe, that must mean that after Jeff went nuts, he had a bust night, since he attacked and killed his family, Jane’s family, and August’s family (among others), and attacked and scarred Jane and August. Just saying. And outside of Jeff, why was August given those knives? Were they from Jeff? See, this is where the longer “Jane the Killer” story makes more sense. Jeff screwed up Jane, and, in an apology of sorts, gives her a mask, dress, wig, and knife. Makes some sense. Here though, if they were from Jeff, then why? He didn’t do this to make her “beautiful”; we have no idea why he attacked August. So, once again, where did those knives come from? I’m assuming the nurses and doctors didn’t give them to her (by which I mean, they had no idea what was in the box), so who did? Never answered. Speaking of unanswered questions, I’ve got a line from a comic in my head. It was an issue of Toxin, a comic about a cop with a symbiote trying to control it and be a good guy. Anyway, Toxin finds a villain called Razorfist, a guy whose hands are just long knives. The symbiote asks a good question: “How does he use the bathroom?” This is a question that I wonder about for August. It’s not a con, it’s just a question. Like, does she cut herself? Are all her pants ripped? I’m really curious.
Dorkpool: There are some good things about this story. It’s not very long, so it’s not a drag, and it has pretty good spelling and grammar. However, it’s still not a good story. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d by killed by someone with a stupid name? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.