She decided to try one last place, and if she didn’t find him, she’d do the damn Riff herself. She entered the bridge, and found Dorkpool sitting in the captain’s chair, with his and its back to her, holding something in his hands that she couldn’t make out. She walked towards him briskly.
“How long have you been up here?” she asked, a note of irritation in her voice.
Dorkpool quietly responded, “An hour or so. Why?’
“Because it’s almost time for the Riff,”
“So it is, so it is,” he mutttered.
Sylvia hadn’t known Dorkpool long – about a week or so – but she had learned a couple of things about him. One of which being he was usually very loud and talkative. So this seemed a bit off for him.
“What’s that?” she asked, referring to the thing he held.
“This? Oh, it’s a formerly possessed stuffed Ruby Rose that Mirror was afraid of that Indo destroyed,” he responded, turning around and showing her.
“And why are you holding it?”
“Been thinking about Indo. That hurt too much, so I then I decided to think about Mirror. He said he left because I’ve been a drunk and a pain. Maybe he’ll come back now,”
“Because you’re not drunk?” she inquired.
“And hopefully not a pain,”
Sylvia was about to say something, but held her tongue. She instead said, “Anyway, there’s a Riff to do. We can work on getting your alternate universe self back later,”
Ok, wow, that was probably one of the stranger things I’ve said, she thought.
Dorkpool nodded, and got up.
Dorkpool: There’s no stronger bond than that between grown man and stuffed bear.
Sylvia: Yea – wait, what?
Dorkpool: What? Don’t most grown men have unhealthy obsessions with their stuffed bear?
Sylvia: Not any that I know of.
Dorkpool: Do you know a lot of men?
Sylvia: Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Why do you want to know?
Dorkpool: Because we’re having such a scintillating conversation about “Smiles the Bear.”
Sylvia: We are?
Dorkpool: Of course!
Sylvia: -muttering- Could’ve fooled me.
Dorkpool: Anyway, before this becomes any more scintillating, let’s find Ring girls, and Riff this bitch.
Hi my name is Johnny Makenthorp and I will tell you the story of my bear Smiles.
Dorkpool: I’m not quite sure what joke to use. Should it be the “This is the story of Michael” from the third “Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared,” or should I use the always classic, “This is a story, all about how, my life got flipped, turned upside down?” Oh, decisions, decision.
It was 2006 and me and my wife (Amy) wanted to move house because the old house we were living in was the woods.
Sylvia: (Johnny): That’s right, our house is the woods.
When we moved I knew I had forgoten something but I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Dorkpool: (Johnny): Oh, right! My finger.
It got on my nerves day and night. I knew it!
Sylvia: (Johnny): It was the body of that dead hooker! Silly me, I should’ve hidden it.
It was Smiles my old bear. I could scream it from the rooftops , I finally remembered what I had lef behind. The only problem is my old house was 3 hours away from our new house.
I'd better tell you about the house we are currently living in.
Dorkpool: (Johnny): It has a sign in the front saying, “Foreclosed.”
It is not in the woods, so you can clearly see it from a sidewalk. Anyway you can see Smiles from ages away because he has a big embroided 'SMILES' sign on his stomach in bright yellow.
Sylvia: Subtlety, thy name is Smiles.
I have had him since I was born and I have always treasured him. I couldn't live without my precious little bear.
Dorkpool: How do you have a wife again?
I went alone to my old house whilst Amy unpacked everything and re- decorated with some of the new paintings we bought.
Sylvia: Were they hyper-realistic paintings?
When I finally arrived at the house (3 hours later) I called Amy straight away to tell her that I was there and I was going to be back home in a few hours.
Dorkpool: (Johnny): I told her I was going to meet with a prostitute because that was less embarrassing than the truth.
Meanwhile I went upstairs and looked in our room.I saw a girl with pitch black hair and a dirty gown on.
Sylvia: (Johnny): Shit, that dead hooker came back to life.
She was crying and hugging smiles.
Dorkpool: (Johnny): Smiles, you cheating bastard!
I shouted get off she looked up at me. She had ripped the stitching out of Smiles and tried to kill me by strangling me.
Sylvia: That’s a rude way to say, “Hello.”
As soon as I got home I told my wife with the stitch still around my neck and to this day anyone who goes near the house will get strangled by the girl and Smiles will watch...
Dorkpool: Well, yeah, he’s an inanimate bear. That’s kind of all he can do.
Dorkpool: This story sucks. The main character seems creepier than the “scare” of the story, there are spelling and grammar errors, and the “scare” comes out of nowhere and makes no sense. Seriously, who is this girl? Why does she have the bear? Why did she try to kill the guy? All of these questions and more will be ignored in favor of the “creepy little girl with black hair and a dress holding a stuffed bear” cliché. Also, like I said, the main character is creepier than this cliché girl. He seems a bit…obsessive when it comes to his bear. The obsession seems just a tad disturbing, and coming from me that’s saying a lot.
Sylvia: There are good things. The “older guy obsessed with his bear” idea could be turned into something genuinely creepy, and the story itself is pretty short, so it’s not a real drag to read.
Dorkpool: But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be killed by a cliché little girl? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
They say home is where the heart is. Well, at the rate things were going for Mirror Dorkpool, home would be where a very large smoking circle in place of his heart would be.
When he went to be a Riffer in another universe, he left Poison – his Poison – in charge. And, thankfully, she’s been doing a great job. Everyone loved her. They loved her so much that they were rather angered when he returned and wanted his old role back.
Poison didn’t mind giving it back, but they both realized it would be a big mistake for the empire. So, he just decided to take off on his own, in a ship, exploring his empire – former empire, he had to keep reminding himself – and having fun.
That was the plan, anyway. It turned out that a certain group calling themselves the Protectors of the Commonfolk wanted Mirror dead. They reasoned that even having him alive would pose a risk to Poison’s reign. So, he had to die.
Normally, that would be a problem, due to his rather accelerated healing factor. However, the Protectors found some of the Project’s old files, and used them to create a weapon that could kill him. He found that out in a rather painful way.
At least he wasn’t completely defenseless. Before his ship was shot out of space and crash landed on a giant ball of sand and heat called Sivitas, he made sure he was prepared for any environment or enemy. He brought along a multitude of costumes, each for a different environment, including a yellow, armored one for a desert. Also in his inventory is a rather large hammer he christened Magnkiller, a phaser or two, and some food and water that he could keep with him. So, when his ship crashed, he was armed and ready to put up a fight.
That was a few weeks ago. In the interim, he’s killed, or at least injured, around five to ten of the Protectors’ foot soldiers – all of whom were dressed in full body armor, which much be hot as hell in the heat – and gotten shot a few times. Thankfully, they weren’t fatal, but they still hurt like a bitch.
What was possibly fatal was his dwindling food and water supply, and the fact that his phasers were out of ammo.
He was getting tired. A tired fighter is a sloppy fighter. And a sloppy fighter is a dead fight. And considering how worn down he was getting, that could be him soon.
Maybe coming home wasn’t the best idea…