“Wait until Mirror’s ready,” Dorkpool had said.
It was taking a while, but Sylvia did get why. First, he goes to his home where he left the empire he ruled to his…lady friend (Sylvia had no idea what the relationship between Mirror and Mirror Poison was, but she suspected it was complicated) for the interim, and finds that everyone preferred her leadership to his. Then he goes to some desert planet, and is constantly stalked and attacked by some group called the Protectors of the Commonfolk before being transported to safety aboard the Cheese Doodle.
While this would seem hard to believe to most people, Sylvia herself believed it and accepted it. After all, she was aboard a spaceship with a constantly cosplaying former alcoholic. For her, very little was odd.
However, it had been over two months. She did understand that recovering from trauma and such takes a while, but she figured that someone like Mirror would be recovered at this point. Was it dickish? Slightly. But she had a job to do, and at this rate she’d do it herself if she had to.
She was marching up to Dorkpool to tell him just that when Mirror walked up to him first.
“Alrighty,” Mirror said. “I’m ready to make jokes about bad Creepypastas now.”
“Great!” Dorkpool said.
Sylvia stood there, her mouth open, dumbfounded.
“You wanted to say something, Sylvia?”
Sylvia sighed. “Let’s just do the Riff.”
Dorkpool: So apparently Jeff the Killer has a show.
Mirror: Wow, TV turned to shit while I was gone.
Dorkpool: Well, I’m not sure if it’s actually a show, but according to this story, “Jeff the Killer the Show,” he does.
Mirror: Of course.
Dorkpool: Anyway, let’s butcher well-known and well-loved icons and artwork (literally and figuratively) and Riff this bitch!
Jeff had been killing for 10 years now.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): And in those ten years, the police still haven’t found him. Why? Because this is a bad Creepypasta story, so the police are morons.
He developed a tradition of one Friday a year he would do his "casual Fridays".
Sylvia: (Narrator): He’d kill while wearing jeans.
This is when he kidnaps one "lucky" victim and then kills him and leaves the person as "art" and leaves with a picture in which he keeps. He had done 10 so he decided he wanted to show the world his "art" so he decided to hack a tv network and show his top ten casual Fridays designs.
Mirror: Because Jeff the Killer now has mad hacksorz skillz.
So he hacked Nick Jr and broadcasted the show.
Dorkpool: Proof that Jeff the Killer is a dick.
"Hello kids, my names Jeff. But you can call me Jeff the Killer. What you are going to see tonight is art.
Sylvia: (Jeff): Abstract art. So it won’t look like art. But it will be worth a lot of money.
Art of beauty. Here it goes, number 10" Jeff said to the camera.
10. Aang the last Airbender
Mirror: Oh, I love that show, and its sequel show, The Legend of Avatar.
"This kid was about eight, he loved avatar the last Airbender so I decided to leave him in tribute by shaving off his hair and cutting a massive arrow into his head with my knife.
Dorkpool: How not to cosplay.
I even cut strait into his skull for extra detail. To bad he won't be able to bend air though, or breath it again for that matter!" Jeff said.
Nick Jr's CEO was appalled and attempted to track it, but unfortunately Jeff was a good hacker
and framed someone else, so the police headed to the wrong place. Children all over were screaming and crying while the parents were too shocked to move.
9. Mona Lisa
"This five year old girl was named Lisa, and her mother was named Mona, so I combined their dead bodies and created the Mona Lisa!"
Sylvia: Jeff, that’s not how that works.
Nick Jr tried to hack their show back on and it worked for a second before Jeff got control again. Kids cried non stop. The adults tried to do something about it but the tv's were frozen.
Mirror: Because Jeff also has magical TV freezing powers. He can also fart rainbows and ejaculate butterflies.
Dorkpool: I’m already pissed off.
"This fourteen year old was into Marvel, but especially loved dead pool, so I put him in the bathtub and drowned him in his own blood! Get it kids? DEADpool?!"
Dorkpool: Oh, ha ha ha ha, fuck you.
Sylvia: Why did you go twice?
Dorkpool: Because anger.
Nick Jr contacted the FBI and they hired professional hackers to try to break the code, but alas, Jeff had forced a team of twenty hackers to modify his stolen computer or else he would kill them. He still killed them though even after they helped though.
7. EYELESS JACK
"This twenty year old man loved the eyeless Jack CreepyPasta, and since his name is Jack, I ripped out his eyes.
Mirror: (Jeff): Eye know, crazy, right?
Dorkpool: Dude, puns are my thing.
Now he finally is like his hero, no eyes, no life, and I even ripped out his kidney and put the other half in a blender just for the extra effect"
The FBI investigated this but Jeff wasn't trackable.
Dorkpool: He was just a ghost. A really, really stupid ghost.
6. Baby shower
"This woman was having a baby shower, so I kidnapped the baby's of all the families, killed them, and dropped them off a ledge. That interrupted their baby shower with a real baby shower!"
Sylvia: And yet in neither shower no one is cleaned.
Nick Jr had no choice but to shut down the network until the person was tracked, but Jeff hacked it back on.
Mirror: Hacks off, hacks on.
"This time, I decided to copy Picasso. I ripped off their body parts and rearranged them so it looks like Picasso's drawings!"
Dorkpool: Truly, Jeff, you are an artist. Much in the same way Ed Gein was.
At this point, most of the children and parents left their rooms. A few were left to watch and a few got boners from the pictures.
Sylvia: Ummm…is this boners line going to be touched upon ever again? Because I think it needs more explanation.
Mirror: Not even the boners will be touched upon again.
"I found a group of teenagers and cut off their heads. Then I played bowling by using their heads instead of balls! HAHAHAHA!"
Mirror: Wow. Clever. Absolutely genius.
"I found a little boy playing Mario, so I bashed his head against a brick wall until he died! Too bad there was no coin in that one!"
Dorkpool: Jeff…just stop. Please. You’re only hurting yourself. And many innocent people, but also yourself.
2. Inspector Gadget
"I found a guy and cut off his hands and feet and replaced them with tools. Now he is inspector Gadget. If he lives that long that long that is!"
Sylvia: Maybe if you didn’t repeat yourself he would.
"I found a guy and hung him. Nothing else much to say about it. except three little words" Jeff says as he prepares to destroy the camera ..
Mirror: (Jeff): I like pie.
"GO TO SLEEP"
Mirror: Eh, mine was better.
Dorkpool: This story sucks. A lot.
Mirror: It’s less a story, and more “Jeff the Killer goes around using his magical hacker skills to badly parody well known things.” See, if the parodies or whatever were funny, that would work. Sort of. But they’re not that funny. Just really stupid. And outside of the parodies, not much is explained. How can Jeff the Killer hack into network broadcasts? Last I checked, he was some kid who was set on fire and decided to become the Dark Knight Joker. I have no recollection of him ever being a hacker or anything. Sure, he kidnapped hackers, but he soon killed them, so he most likely would have to do it again on his own. Also, wouldn’t he be easier to track if he’s hacking public network stations? Wouldn’t he leave behind some kind of digital fingerprint? Even ignoring the plot holes and painfully bad comedy, the spelling and grammar aren’t that good, which isn’t very surprising for a Jeff story,
Sylvia: There are a few good things though. The story is short, so it doesn’t drag on, and it’s a bit creative. At the very least, it’s different than the standard Jeff story.
Dorkpool: At the end of the day, the story still sucks though. But that’s what we think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish some idiot would kill people in an idiotic parody of us? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
No one knew much about the Sovereign. No one knew who he really was, how exactly he looked, or even if he was actually a he (that was just assumed, mainly by the scattered rumors about how the Sovereign looked). What was known was that the Sovereign basically made the Protectors of the Commonfolk, taking multiple small bands of anti-authoritarian and anti-Dorkpool idealists and bringing them together under one leader. He was also known as someone not to be trifled with, if the words of his Magistrates, those he appoints to deliver his orders, are to be believed, along with the whispered stories among the lower echelons of the Protectors. Stories involving torture and death and experimentation.
However, there was one thing that everyone knew for certain: meeting the Sovereign face to face was never, ever a good thing. Which was why Jonathan Cenata, leader of the Protector mission to Sivitas to kill Dorkpool, was very, very afraid.
Two Magistrates walked behind him, with guns to his back. They stopped before a set of black, polished doors.
“Enter,” commanded a deep, synthesized voice from behind it.
One of the Magistrates walked in front of Cenata and opened the door, while the other prodded Cenata into the room.
The room was very large, and very dark. It was hard to make out what was in the room. There looked to be banners, and…was that a skull head? It was hard to tell. In the back of the room was the Sovereign, a large being bathed in shadows, sitting on some kind of throne.
“So,” the Sovereign said flatly. “Cenata.”
“Y-yes, Your Sovereignty?” Cenata stammered back.
“You failed in your mission. You were ordered to kill the former ruler of the Empire, and instead, you let him flee.”
“Y-your Sovereignty, it wasn’t my fault or my soldiers’ fault,”
The Sovereign seemed to have shifted forward a bit. “Oh?”
“Yes. I-it was a ship. He was transported to another ship.”
“Tell me about the ship.”
Cenata nodded, trying to remember everything he could about the ship. “It was a medium-sized vessel. I’m not sure what class it was. It escaped. The readings my ship took reported that it went to another universe.”
The Sovereign paused, mulling the information over. Then, he inquired, “Does this ship have a name?”
“Yes. Our scans reported it was called the Cheese Doodle.”
“I see,” the Sovereign said.
Cenata wasn’t sure, but he thought the Sovereign might’ve sounded satisfied. Maybe, just maybe, Cenata might live to see another day.
“You’ve done well to bring me this information, Cenata,” the Sovereign said.
“T-thank you, Your Sovereignty,” Cenata responded, trying desperately not to anger the Sovereign.
“But your past failure shows that you are no longer of any use to me. Magistrates, you know what to do.”
Cenata barely had time to think, Oh, shit, before twin blasts from the Magistrates’ guns killed him.
“Magistrates, order Fleet Commander Skrein to assemble a fleet, and go after this Cheese Doodle. I trust we have the technology to do this?”
“Yes, Sovereign,” the Magistrates said.
“Good. I want this ship destroyed, and Dorkpool’s corpse at my feet.”