The voice echoes in El Catrin’s head. He knows what to do. Some might think that it’s hard to do anything if one were El Catrin, since he’s presently missing his arms and legs. But that was all part of the plan. He started screaming.
Dorkpool: I don’t like "Squidward’s Suicide", or really any SpongeBob based Creepypasta stories. And trust me, there are a lot of them. Like this gem.
Mirror: Gem? Really?
Dorkpool: What else do I call it?
Mirror: What it really is: crap.
Dorkpool: Ugh. Anyway, let’s get a random tape, and Riff this bitch.
So we all know SpongeBob, right?
Dorkpool: Well, if you like Creepypasta, you probably do at this point.
The little yellow sponge who's always laughing, smiling, annoying his neighbor, and just all-around being a goofy character with a starfish by the name of Patrick who is his best friend.
Well now that we have the introduction all settled I'd like to let you all know that I have, or rather had, a very rare copy of a SpongeBob episode written by none other than Steven Hillenburg.
Mirror: This feels like a fake eBay listing.
While roaming Nickelodeon studios in June 2008, let me tell you, that the tickets to get in were NOT easy to get. Anyway, I ran into Mr. Hillenburg in one of the main areas of the studio. No literally. I ran into him.
Dorkpool: (singing): And I ra-an! I ran into Steve Hillenburg!
See, I kind of snuck into a high security area and well, I ended up alerting guards and you get the gist. After bumping into him, I apologized. Mr. Hillenburg looked as though he was in a daze. I waved my hand in front of him but he continued onward past me. This made me a little uneasy. Once he walked away I spotted something on the ground where I had bumped into Hillenburg.
Mirror: (Narrator): A DVD with the words "Squidward’s Suicide" on it.
It was a video tape. It didn't have anything of discernible title nor of anything remotely close to what the video was about. No sticker, nothing on the inside of the film protector, anything. I picked it up and ran very quickly out of the lot. About a week later after my initial journey by plane back to Chicago, I remembered that I still had the tape.
Seeing as I had a VHS to DVD burner that I got for Christmas last year
Dorkpool: Because plot convenience.
I decided to get a blank DVD-R disc and put it into the DVD side of the burner and the video inside of the VHS side. After about 30 minutes or so, it popped out the disc and video. I think that's what they're supposed to do when a disc is done burning.
Mirror: That was a very important sentence. I don’t think the story could’ve worked without it.
Anyway, I popped the DVD into my computer, autoplay popped up of course because I had modified my computer to do so, I decided to look in the folder for it. There was a movie file that went by the name of "Pearl.avi". Pearl? I then double clicked the movie file as Windows Media Center popped up. "Are you ready kids?"
Both: (Children): Fuck off, captain!
"Aye aye captain!", it was a SpongeBob episode! I thought to myself "Ooh! I haven't seen this show in so long!" SpongeBob was one of my favorite shows as a 10 year old and hearing the nasally laughter of the sponge would make my ears absolutely sing with joy - well, metaphorically of course.
Dorkpool: Damn it. It would’ve been awesome if this story had singing ears.
So as the title of the episode came up I noticed something odd. There was no title to the episode. It just skipped right into the episode.
It showed the three things I knew and loved about SpongeBob, the three main houses. The pineapple, the Easter Island head, and the rock with an antenna on it. I smiled with nostalgia as I heard SpongeBob's laughter echoing through the computer speakers. SpongeBob was watching a TV show on his little diver helmet TV.
Mirror: (TV): Next on "The Swimming Dead"…
About 5 seconds after the scene transitioned into SpongeBob's house, and Pearl, Mr. Krabs' daughter, bursts through SpongeBob's door, breaking the door down as she does so. She is seen sobbing hysterically in a comedic manner, you know, mini waterfalls coming out of her eyes. SpongeBob begins to walk over and ask Pearl, "What's wrong?"
Dorkpool: (Pearl): We’re in a crappy lost episode story!
"Oh SpongeBob! It's terrible! Daddy won't talk to me! He hasn't said a single word to me all day! He just sits in his bedroom looking down at the floor sighing."
SpongeBob replies back to her in a bit of a heroic way, "Mr. Krabs? That seems weird… Don't worry Pearl! I'll go talk to him!"
"You will, SpongeBob?" Pearl replies with a looking of happiness on her face. SpongeBob then nods. Pearl is seen hugging SpongeBob and saying, "Thanks SpongeBob! You're the coralest!"
Mirror: SpongeBob doesn’t know that "coralest" is an insult.
The screen transitions with bubbles coming up to SpongeBob nearing the giant anchor that Mr. Krabs and Pearl live in saying, "Cool, huh? Ch-Cha!" and you hear a Jazz trumpet chorus playing a chord as SpongeBob is seen doing a comedically cool stance and look.
Dorkpool: What…why? What in the name of Tim Burton’s Batman just happened?
He then knocks on Mr. Krabs' door. We then see Mr. Krabs' claw quickly grab SpongeBob and pull him into his home. "SpongeBob me boy. Ah'm glad yer here. I have ter tell yer somethin'."
"What is it, Mr. Krabs?" Spongebob asks.
Mirror: (Mr. Krabs): I’m pregnant.
"It's… It's about Pearl. You see she' - She's…"
SpongeBob, confused by Mr. Krabs' stammering asks, "She's what, Mr. Krabs?" A grim look comes upon Mr. Krabs' face, "She's… adopted, me boy…" SpongeBob gasps, "Adopted?!".
Both: -gasp dramatically-
A claw grabs SpongeBob's lips as they're seen being comedically stretched forward. "Shh! She might be out there listenin'! Now me boyo… I want you to tell her she is adopted… I… I can't do it." Tears begin to well up in Mr. Krabs' eyes, "I just can't…" SpongeBob looks shocked at this,
"B-but Mr. Krabs! I can't do that! It would break her fragile heart!" "SpongeBob! That's an order!" Mr. Krabs says with sadness and frustration in his eyes. "Y-yes sir!", said SpongeBob whilst he saluted and began to run out panting.
I, at this point, was starting to get a bit uneasy. This wasn't the SpongeBob SquarePants I knew back in the day. This was something else… something more adult.
Dorkpool: Not really. This seems like the plot to a SpongeBob episode.
Now even though I liked more adult stuff, this episode just made me really uneasy. Telling someone they're adopted is not an easy task. Trust me. Horrid results when it's told to you by means of someone whose parents told you to tell that person. The last time I had to do that, I had to coax someone out of committing suicide. Anyway, back to the episode.
Mirror: Yep, because that’s more interesting, dark, and scarier than a guy trying to prevent someone from committing suicide.
The screen transitions again back to SpongeBob's house where Pearl is seen sniffling as SpongeBob pops his head into the busted doorway. Pearl looks up and immediately is overjoyed to see SpongeBob.
"SpongeBob!" she calls out with an excited tone, "Did you find out why Daddy won't talk to me?" SpongeBob says timidly as he clears his throat, "Y… Yes… I-I did." Pearl says in a concerned tone, "What's wrong SpongeBob?". We then hear SpongeBob's thoughts, "What do I do? Should I tell her? Or should I lie to Mr. Krabs? No… lying wouldn't do a thing. Mr. Krabs would probably dock my pay to half a penny a day if I did that." This made me do a small chuckle as I knew Mr. Krabs as a cheapskate.
Dorkpool: Wow, you explained the joke. Good job!
My chuckle fell silent as I heard SpongeBob just outright say, "Pearl, I don't know how to tell you this but… you're… adopted…"
Pearl's eyes opened wide and both SpongeBob and I cringed. I then heard a laugh coming from the computer's speakers. It was Pearl's laugh. "That's a good one SpongeBob! But really, why won't Daddy talk to me?"
Mirror: Pearl isn’t very bright, is she?
Dorkpool: Not according to this story.
"Pearl, it's the truth. Mr. Krabs had me come over here to tell you." "What? No… you're lying!", Pearl then slaps SpongeBob very realistically and storms out of the house. We then see Pearl walking up to the front door with tears in her eyes furious as she pushes open the door forcibly.
She sees her father and, holding back tears, "Daddy, please tell me that it's not true.
Dorkpool: (Pearl): Please tell me they’re not doing a live action "Winnie the Pooh" movie.
Please tell me SpongeBob is lying." Mr. Krabs begins to tear up and in a shaky voice tells Pearl, "Yes, 'tis true. When you were a baby and while I was out scroungin' around with me metal detector near the outskirts of Bikini Bottom lookin' fer loose change, I stumbled upon you and yer Mother. Or what were left 'o her after the scallops got to her."
It then transitions to a flashback sequence which to this day makes me cringe. It showed Pearl's mother's eyes gouged out with one hanging, her tongue out and somewhat chewed off, her fins only bone, her ribcage skin ripped off revealing decaying muscle, and her throat had a hole in it showing the larynx, windpipe, and esophagus.
Mirror: Because it’s not a bad lost episode story without gratuitous gore.
I turned away at this point still listening. "I found yer mother layin' there, morbidly decayed, when I heard a cryin' comin' from nearby. The cryin' was you. It looked like you had just come outta yer Mother. I scooped ye up, took ye home, and cleaned ye up. I kept ye around fer a good 16 years.
Dorkpool: (Mr. Krabs): And I regretted every year of it.
I felt it were better to tell ye now when yer old enough ta understand."
I started crying at this precise point. This became too adult. Too real for the happy little show I used to know and love. I wanted to click the X in the top right corner but I just couldn't turn away.
Pearl ran out crying. Not the comedic tears either, these looked realistic. Almost human.
"SpongeBob, me boy! Go after 'er! These tiny legs won't catch up to 'er! Please, boyo!" SpongeBob nodded and began to run after Pearl calling her name. Pearl began to run faster and SpongeBob began to struggle keeping up with her. Pearl stopped at the top of a high coral cliff, turned around, and told SpongeBob, "Stop!"
Dorkpool: (Pearl): Hammer time!
She put a fin out, "Do you know what it's like to not know your mother? To be with some creepy crustacean all your life thinking he's your dad even though you two look completely different? I mean… how can a crab have a sperm whale for a child?"
Mirror: Pearl asks the important questions.
Pearl's voice was getting very shaky, she was ready to start sobbing uncontrollably. "I don't think you do. To be lied to all your life, to not know your true family. I don't want to be lied to anymore!"
Pearl then began to proceed to fall backwards into the seemingly endless chasm. SpongeBob yelled out, "Wait, Pearl!", and ran down the cliff slope where he had just ran after Pearl. He ran as fast as he could but couldn't get down to the bottom before he heard a loud, disgusting crack. I even cringed at the sound. It sound like a bone snapping in two.
Dorkpool: That might’ve been a bit unsettling, but then you had to have the grammar error. Good job.
As SpongeBob approaches Pearl, she is seen face up with her head violently pushed to the side. Her neck had snapped right in two.
Dorkpool: Do I make a Gwen Stacy joke, or a "Man of Steel" joke? Ohhh, decisions, decisions.
Her eyes were a gray-blue now and were about as soulless as any person who had succumbed to death.
SpongeBob walked up to her silently, his shoes no longer making that funny squeaking sound. He dropped to his knees realistically next to her corpse and began to sob humanly and uncontrollably. He hugged the corpse, looked up to the sky, and began saying, "Why, Neptune? Why? She was too young! Why?!"
Mirror: (Neptune): Don’t ask me. I didn’t write this.
This caused me to sob right along with the sponge. The episode then cut to black and was finished. I couldn't believe it! Why would Hillenburg make such a demented and depressing episode?!
I went to bed after this. The next day after coming home from work, I planned to extract the episode onto my hard drive and put it on YouTube in about 2 parts. It was a 15 minute episode of course.
When I got home, I saw everything was a mess. Papers were everywhere, my TV was gone, my computer and its accompanying tower, mouse and any USBs I had in it were gone, and my VHS to DVD burner was gone. "Oh shit… I've been robbed. Where's the video? Where is it?", I said as I began to look for the video that contained the episode. I couldn't find it. That was the only VHS tape I had in my possession and I guess the robbers figured it'd be worth money.
Mirror: Yes, robbers would think that a VHS tape would be worth something in this day and age. Of course.
I kinda figured as well too. So, suffice to say, I'm unable to provide a video of the source. I apologize and hope you'll all heed my warning of picking up any strange tape in a famous studio lot after bumping into a famous cartoon writer.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): If you pick up a strange tape after bumping into an unknown cartoon animator, then it’s fine.
I don't think anyone will seeing as suicidemouse.avi was up on YouTube. Once again, let this story be a warning to picking up strange tapes. You never know what you're going to end up watching.
Dorkpool: This story is just stupid. The main character gets a tape from Steven Hillenburg, and Steve doesn’t even notice it. Also, why was he carrying the tape? And why was it a tape? Why not a DVD? Also, at the end, why was his house robbed? And who robbed it?
Mirror: There are a couple of good things though. The spelling and grammar is decent, and, for the most part, this does feel like a normal SpongeBob episode. Until the end, of course, when things get stupid.
Dorkpool: All in all, this story sucks. So, what do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we were adopted? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
It took some time before Dorkpool, Indometus, Doomsayer, and Mirror Dorkpool came over to El Catrin’s cell. But they did end up there.
El Catrin stopped his screaming.
"What is it?" Dorkpool asked.
"He’s coming." El Catrin said.
El Catrin laughed. "Who do you think?"
"Zorax," Dorkpool realized.
El Catrin laughed again. "Yes, Zorax. He who defeated Death. He’s coming for you. For all of you. He’ll destroy you, and everyone you know and love. Weep for yourself, weep for your friends, and most of all, weep for your universe."
"We’ll stop him," Indometus said.
El Catrin laughed again. "Oh, can you? You wastes of existence could barely stop me. What makes you think you can stop a universe conquering dictator like him?"
"Because I’ve done it before," Mirror Dorkpool said.
"Yes. I killed my universe’s Zorax, and I can kill this one’s."
El Catrin laughed again. "You overestimate yourself, and this little group. Do you think they’re all against Zorax? Because not everyone is. There’s a traitor afoot."
"Why are you telling us this?" Dorkpool asked.
"I have my reasons."
"And why should we trust you?"
"You shouldn’t! You should ignore my warning, and have the traitor stab you in the back when you least expect it."
"He’S lYiNg." Doomsayer said.
"Am I? Or are you the traitor, and are trying to invalidate my warning? Face it, one of you is a traitor. I won’t say who. Why spoil the fun?" El Catrin laughed again.
The four left the armless and legless being, their heads filled with questions.
The plan was going perfectly.