“I’m going to break you in front of all your followers, to make an example of you. They all instinctively trust and respect you to varying degrees, and will follow you. That’s a by-product of the Jeff Formula. I’m sure they’ll follow me once they see you brutally defeated by me.”
“They probably would. However, you made a bit of a mistake,” Jeff said.
“And what mistake would that be?” the man asked.
“You let me know that I have an army at my disposal. Everyone, attack!”
They all followed his order, and swarmed on the man. He could easily take out one or two at a time. However, he was being attacked by hundreds at once. Because of that, the man was soon defeated.
“Alright, guys, let’s get out of here,” Jeff said, leading all those like him out of the room.
Dorkpool: This is it. The final part of “Lil’ Miss Rarity.”
Mirror: Seriously? You’re not bullshitting me?
Dorkpool: Nope. This is it. So let’s have a trial, and Riff this bitch!
Dorkpool: Like what’s inside the head of Glenn Beck.
When Rarity stood up the room was returned back to exactly as it had been. The furniture was unmoved, the mysterious hole in the middle of the room was gone and Pinkamina was unresponsive. She'd returned to being just a doll. Despite the confusing turn of events Rarity did not forget her goal and turned to run up the stairs. "Sweetie Bell, I saved her!
Mirror: (Rarity): I saved an inanimate object! Hooray!
We can all go together now!" She was half way up when she realized Sweetie was gone, and the door was closed. Rarity approached it quickly and knocked on the door. "Sweetie Bell, it's okay. That hole or whatever it was is gone. We can all be together now, no one has to be left behind." She knocked repeatedly and tried the handle but the door wouldn't budge. She hit her shoulder against it but it didn't bend to her force at all.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): However, it did hurt, which turned her on.
"Sweetie, please... please don't be mad. I'm sorry I didn't obey you but I had to save her. Sweetie Bell? Sister..."
Rarity slumped against the door, knocking gently but receiving no response. Reaching into her mane she removed the picture from the school house that had been drawn by her sister of her family and stared at it. "Please... don't leave me alone here."
"So close." The magic from her horn faded and the white Alicorn looked upon the restrained Element of Generosity.
Both: The fuck is an Alicorn?
"We were so close to bringing her out of it."
"You... you did your best Princess. Thank you." The purple unicorn next to her couldn't hide her disappointment as her own magic faded as well. The teacher and student left the prison holding cell and thanked the guards for keeping an eye on her.
Mirror: Wait, what? What’s going on?
Though Twilight was watching them with an air of caution. She had reason not to trust them. They looked concerned by her gaze which was wise that they should be. Twilight rarely exercised any power with her position as the Princess' student but if she thought foul playing was happening concerning her friend she would exert it with a vengeance.
Dorkpool: Twilight is John McClop in Foul Play With A Vengeance.
But that would be addressed later.
The duo walked through the castle until they were able to retire to Princess Celestia's private quarters. Here they knew they could speak openly without anyone listening to what may be said. Celestia rested upon her pillow looking sad that her efforts had not proven as successful as she'd hoped. "I apologize Twilight. I was so certain we'd manage to expose the root of Rarity's issues. Instead we ended exactly where we began."
Mirror: Wait, so all this was because they wanted to get to the root of her weird issues?
Dorkpool: Seems that way.
Mirror: And it was wasted effort.
Dorkpool: I suppose.
Mirror: So this whole fucking story is fucking waste of fucking effort?
Dorkpool: Pretty much, yeah.
Mirror: UGGGGGH. Is it over yet?
It was true. Rarity's last act nearly erasing all the progress they had made.
"It's okay Princess. I didn't know either if the Mind Delve spell would have uncovered Rarity's trauma to help figure out what started this. But I'm glad you were the one that performed it instead of myself." Celestia lifted one of her wings and Twilight took to sitting beneath its comfort when it was offered. "I just can't believe she ignored the truth."
"The mind is a very delicate thing Twilight.
Dorkpool: (Twilight): Is that why you vetoed my plan to smash her in the head with a hammer until she was ok?
Exposing it to so much trauma it's worked to hide from itself is no easy task. We must tread lightly if we're to help her."
"But we don't have time! We were only able to delay her trial for a day and still don't have any proof of anything that can excuse her from this!" Celestia had exerted some of her power to hold up Rarity's trial while her and Twilight were allowed to examine her. Celestia didn't enjoy using her rank to impose upon pony law any more than she had to but this was a special case.
Mirror: Imagine if Judge Dredd were a pony. “I AM THE PONY LAW!”
"Can't you just put the trial off? You're the Princess of Equestria! You and Luna should be able to do whatever you please. She's already done so much for the whole country."
Dorkpool: (Twilight): Like trash our economy, or declare a war we can’t possibly win.
"Twilight... it's not that simple. I'd love to simply march in there and save Rarity from this public scandal but imposing on the law will just have a back lash. I'll do what I can to save her but I can't just stop them from punishing her for her crimes."
"And what then, prison! Twilight stood up and marched about the room, Celestia watching with a pained expression for her student's suffering. "Send her there with the thieves and the rapists? Let her get locked up with the ponies that are too dangerous to be allowed free? Ponies that have hurt and murdered before? I've studied that prison Princess and I'm afraid of what will happen to Rarity.
Mirror: Honestly, if her weird fetish is any indication, I think she’ll be alright with the rapists and murderers.
There's a unicorn there that enslaved a whole town to her whims some time back using magic. A pegasus who was terrorizing earth ponies with his weather storms so they'd be forced to give him whatever he wanted. That foal killer The Colt is still in those walls and we don't even know how many fillies and colts he murdered and mutilated!" Twilight was breathing hard as she rattled off her protests. Celestia could only speak calmly as she tried to clear her student's mind.
"If the situation is this grave then we must focus on what we can do. Did you make an analysis from what we saw when we were watching Rarity's mind with the spell?"
"Yes your majesty."
Dorkpool: (Twilight): Rarity is really, really, really fucked up.
Twilight tried to calm herself and treat her teacher with the respect she was owed. Celestia was trying to help, Twilight had to be as focused as well. "There are three possible explanations as to what has caused Rarity's massive shift in personality. First would be psychological trauma. Since we were unable to see what was the root causing event of Rarity's issues we can't identify what may have happened to cause her to react this way but the... event with Opal her cat suggests something previous. Her masochism may even be just a by-product of her trauma and unrelated to the actual issue." Twilight was writing with her quill and magic on a scroll as she dictated. It was easier when Spike was around to help her with these things but she would never have him face this situation with Rarity in such peril. "If this is all self caused then it is still explainable through the use of her unicorn magic. Sweetie Bell mentioned she'd find the Pinkamina doll in odd areas and Rarity seemed unsurprised that it moved on its own."
Mirror: (Twilight): As you can tell, Rarity is pretty chill with random weird shit that happens.
"So you think that she's unknowingly using her magic to cause seemingly random events to occur?" Celestia questioned and Twilight made sure to cover her bases.
"Possibly. There's documented cases of unicorns suffering mysterious wounds or items rearranging in their houses. In these situations it was their own magic that was causing it without them knowing. Generally a problem rooted in their subconscious was acting out without them realizing it through their own horns."
Dorkpool: Are they trying to say that subconsciously…they were horny?
Mirror: No, I don’t think so.
"That would account for her scars never fading, and the sudden injuries you said she suffered one day when her sister came to you for help."
"Yeah, she ended up in the hospital without any memory or knowledge of what caused such severe wounds. Combined with Fluttershy's fear of her using repeated magic healing on herself she may have been putting too much strain on her magic and body to recall what she's been doing." Celestia nodded taking all of this into account as Twilight spoke.
"Very well, your second theory?"
Mirror: (Twilight): Aliens.
"Similar to the first but caused by an outside force. Enchanting a pony isn't especially difficult if you know where they live and when they are most vulnerable. Rarity may have been attacked and had her mind altered or suggestions planted into her by a jealous suitor, an angry customer or just someone who was vicious and wanted to manipulate somepony."
"I understand." Celestia confirmed thinking on this possibility. "Unfortunately it's especially difficult to prove without catching the enchanter in the act or encountering the spell as it's happening. If she has been manipulated we need to see the event that started it all to catch them."
"True, and it takes an especially skilled unicorn to work a spell so efficiently. Or a being with equal magic power. Such as Discord."
Dorkpool: (Twilight): That bitch…
Twilight was looking to fall back on this theory should things get to the trial. Discord had enchanted all of them at one point to act out of character.
Mirror: That sounds suspiciously like a retcon.
It wasn't impossible for some of his spells or influence to linger after his defeat.
"Perhaps, but it is unlikely. In all the time I knew Discord he was very proud and vocal of his acts. Delighting in bringing attention to his deeds. It isn't impossible for him to have caused a spell to act after his defeat but in just one element? With such an unusual result for him."
"He is the God of Chaos, unpredictable is his trade mark."
Dorkpool: (Twilight): And anarchy is his copyright.
Celestia pondered this quietly, Twilight able to tell suggesting Discord's hand of involvement disturbing to her. His power was nearly undeniable and if he was still causing disturbances after he fell it would cause paranoia amongst the public. Which could be argued as his goal.
"We'll consider this seriously. What is the third possibility?"
"Something else." Twilight said flatly and Celestia waited for elaboration.
"Do you have anything more to add?"
"Not really I'm afraid. I've been looking into other magical and spiritual beings and I've uncovered some... well disturbing findings.
Mirror: (Celestia): Yes, we’ve read about what went on in Rarity’s head.
There was text on possessions, manipulations and things that even the royal library didn't have definition on. With Ponyville so close to the Everfree forest the idea of something we haven't seen before or so old that we can't recognize it isn't out of the question."
"I see." Celestia was hesitant, theory number three being one that proved innocence on Rarity's part but the idea of it was disturbing. Another force they were not yet aware of or could see was chilling. Celestia hoped she was merely seeing ghosts where there were none but she'd look into every suggestion carefully. "Very well then. Twilight Sparkle, you may rest in your reserved quarters here at the castle while Rarity's trial is being held.
Dorkpool: I love how the writer was trying to make this serious and disturbing story with characters named Sweetie Bell and Twilight Sparkle.
I feel we'll need your presence for every step of the way."
"Thank you Princess." Twilight bowed to her teacher and then gathered up the courage to bring something further to her attention. "Princess Celestia, may I ask who had access to Rarity's cell besides ourselves?" Celestia looked surprised by the question but answered swiftly.
"Other than myself would have been Luna, General Stormbreak and his platoon of guards that patrol that section of the castle. May I ask why you need to know?"
Mirror: (Twilight): To keep extending this story.
Twilight looked at the door which was closed and then back to her teacher.
"I noticed that on Rarity's body there were... marks. Fresh marks as if she'd been struck repeatedly with something. I read the report your soldiers submitted and it said they arrested her while she was sleeping in bed. She wouldn't have had time or opportunity to hurt herself like that when they arrested her. Especially if she's been healing herself with magic." Celestia thought quietly on what Twilight was suggesting and it didn't sit well with her at all.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Or maybe it was her indigestion.
"I see. Twilight, in the cases of unicorns harming themselves are there any involving the marks you saw?"
"I'm... afraid not. Every documented case ever of unicorns inflicting harm upon themselves with magic always involved thin cuts along the skin as it was the only way for the horn to act without the victim noticing. Anything like she had would have taken a very concentrated effort." Celestia listened patiently but was already feeling a fire burn in her belly. The idea of it, one of her guards taking their authority into their own hands to punish a prisoner. She took a breath and responded.
"I shall look into this Twilight, tonight. Please head to your room to rest. Tomorrow is a very important day."
"Yes your highness... thank you."
Mirror: (Celestia): You’re not welcome.
Twilight ran up and hugged Celestia tightly which was returned with loving care. Twilight left Celestia's room and the Princess took to her scrolls as soon as her student had gone. She went over the list of her royal guard carefully, reading off names until she'd written all the ones she searched for onto a new scroll. Walking to her door she called her servants in who responded promptly.
"Your highness!" They stood at attention with wings flared, but Celestia was the picture of calm composure.
"Lieutenant Rampart, I have a request of you."
Dorkpool: (Celestia): I need you to do the hokey pokey.
Mirror: (Rampart): Um…Your Highness, why?
Dorkpool: (Celestia): Don’t question me! Get to it!
She floated the scroll over to him and let him take it. "Please head to the barracks with that list and have those ponies report to me immediately in my throne room. I would like to have a chat with every one of them. Assign replacements for their shifts as needed."
Mirror: (Rampart): Your Highness, why are the names Mistress Veronica and She Who Spanks on there?
Dorkpool: (Celestia): Oops, wrong scroll!
The soldier unrolled the scroll and read the names, exchanging a glance with his partner but did as requested.
"At once your majesty!" Both stallions departed to perform their requested task. When they were gone Celestia looked to the fire place in her chambers and watched the flames dance. Wondering when exactly things had gotten so far beyond her grasp to keep all of her precious citizens safe from harm. She'd worked so hard for peace, her student and her friends had worked so hard for peace. They deserved better.
"Let there be mercy for them, what fates there are deciding their futures."
Dorkpool: (Fates): Nope! C’mon, guys, let’s fuck with those ponies!
Dorkpool: Ugggggh. Just…ugggh.
Mirror: This story is such a pain to read. That’s partly due to its length. Long stories are fine, as long as they need to be long. This story is not one that needed to be long. Hell, it doesn’t even to need to exist, but whatever. Outside of the length, there’s also the general concept of the story. There’s fucked up, there’s what goes on inside Charlie Sheen’s head, and then there’s this story. I’m fine with stories about cute children’s shows taking a rather dark turn, especially in universe. However, masochism and incest? Really? I should also mention a comment that a reader of these fine Riffs, JWalker, made: “…this story’s biggest problem is that the writer can’t seem to decide if he wants to writer a porn story or a horror story.” That’s actually a very good point. There are times when this story seems to take a turn for the erotic, yet others where it seems to be trying to be scary. Neither of those angles work, partly for the same reason: It’s MLP. It’s hard to read erotica involving ponies and think, “Oh, yes, that’s sexy,” By the same token, I find it hard to be scared of…whatever I’m supposed to be scared of here, since we’re dealing with ponies, and no monsters. The closest thing to a monster or scary element in this story is Rarity, and she’s not scary at all. Also, this is a very long story, as stated earlier. Ending by saying it was basically a giant waste of time just really pisses off someone who had to slog through this giant pile of bullshit. Plus, there are some spelling errors (seriously, writer, learn to use an apostrophe. Wont and won’t are different words).
Dorkpool: Despite all that, there still are some good things. Unlike a lot of stories here, there is quite a bit of character development, mostly for Rarity. Despite being an incestuous masochist, she still cares a lot for her sister and friends, and does feel bad about killing her cat. She’s not a horrible person, which is good and bad. Good, because you don’t want your main character to be a terrible and uninteresting person, or you’ll stop reading. Bad, because Rarity is supposed to be the scary part of this story, and it’s hard to be scared of her. Also, despite some minor spelling/grammar errors here or there, for the most part the spelling and grammar are pretty good, especially considering the length of the story. However, the many flaws of the story are still very much evident, which makes this story suck so much. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the multi-part Riff good? Do you wish we’d be hurt by a masochist? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
It didn’t take long for them to find one of the three people who’d fought Jeff on that rooftop. It took even less time to overwhelm the guard, break down the door, and free the prisoner. That prisoner was the catgirl.
“You want another fight?” she asked.
“No, I need your help,” Jeff responded.
“And how do you think I can do that?”
“You have a base of sorts which has teleporters. Contact it, and teleport us all out of here.”
“Do you know of a way to communicate with anything outside of here?” she inquired.
“Yeah. There’s a communication terminal near here. Contact it, and get us out of here.”
“Fine, after we get the two Dorkpools.”
Jeff thought about arguing the point, but then decided against it. There wasn’t enough time.
“Alright. Their cell is near here.” Jeff said.
They all went to the cell housing the two Dorkpools, and busted down the door. There, they found the two chained to a wall.
“Hi, guys! Don’t mind us, we’re just trying out to be the chain gang,” Dorkpool said.
Jeff started regretting not arguing the point.
The catgirl freed the two but cutting their chains with her claws.
“Thanks, Indo,” Dorkpool said.
She nodded, and said, “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
Before they could start leaving, they heard a scream.
A guy with, oddly enough, a paintbrush was stabbed through the chest by the man with the skull mask. His armor was dented and battered, but he was still able to kill. He pulled the sword out of the chest out the guy, causing him to fall to the floor.
He didn’t get back up.
“Oh, shit,” Dorkpool said.
“What?” Jeff asked.
“That sword. Zorax had it. It’s supposed to negate healing factors.”
“That’s not good,” Jeff responded.
Meanwhile, the man in the skull mask was tearing through the army of Jeff lookalikes. They all tried stopping him, but ended up getting incapacitated to varying degrees.
“JEFF!” he yelled. “ARE YOU READY TO DIE?”
Mirror Dorkpool looked at the situation, and at Jeff. “Get them out of here. He wants you. Let them live.” He said.
“You and Indo get out of here too,” Dorkpool said.
“Why?” Indo asked.
“Because he’s probably going to want to kill me too. Might as well give him what he wants, and buy you guys some time to do whatever you were planning to do to get out of here,” he explained.
“But – ” she said.
“No buts. Get out of here. I’ll meet you guys after defeating ol’ Vorix.”
“Vorix?” Jeff asked.
“Mr. Skull Head,” Dorkpool answered.
“Huh. He never told me that,” Jeff mumbled.
“But you can’t beat him like you did Zorax,” Mirror Dorkpool said.
“Well, I’ve got Jeff the Killer, the master of being unrealistically OP, with me. I think I’ll be fine,” Dorkpool said.
“I have no qualms about killing you,” Jeff told him.
“See? I’m in good hands. Now go!” Dorkpool told them. They reluctantly did so.
Soon it was only Jeff, Dorkpool, and Vorix left around.
“Ah, you two. How I loathe both of you,” Vorix said, dragging the sword.
“Ah, Vorix. How I dislike that you made me read that pile of crap,” Dorkpool responded, taking out a lightsaber.
“Where did you get that?” Vorix asked.
“In a place nobody would look,” Dorkpool answered.
Jeff decided to not start up a dialogue, and charged at Vorix, trying to stab him. Despite his armor being dented and broken, it still worked, making it hard to stab him. And Vorix was still able to fight. Jeff had to move fast to dodge the sword.
Dorkpool attacked Vorix from behind. He had to turn around to parry the attack, leaving Jeff open to stab Vorix in his weak spot: his neck. The armor protecting it was gone, and Jeff was going to take advantage of it.
Vorix staggered, and coughed. It sounded like he coughed some kind of liquid, most likely blood, but it was hard to tell under the helmet. However, that didn’t stop him from throwing his sword at Jeff’s leg. Jeff didn’t have time to get out of the way, leading to him losing his leg.
Dorkpool then attacked Vorix, but he just punched him out of the way, and went over to Jeff.
“I’ll get to you later,” he told Dorkpool.
“Goody,” Dorkpool groaned.
“Jeff, I honestly thought you could be of use to me. But you’ve just turned out to be a pain in my ass. Well, I’m going to fix that,” Vorix said. He’d gotten to Jeff, and brought up his sword, preparing to kill the killer.
Right before he could do anything, the roof exploded.
“What the – ” he yelled.
Above the building was the Cheese Doodle.
On board the ship, Indometus smiled. “Bullseye,” she said under her breath.
Mirror Dorkpool activated the loadspeakers outside of the ship.
“Attention, asshole,” they said, with Mirror Dorkpool’s voice. “Please step away from the Joker wannabe and Deadpool wannabe or you will be destroyed.”
“NO!” Vorix screamed. “YOU WILL NOT DEPRIVE ME OF MY VENGEANCE!”
“Have it your way,” Mirror Dorkpool said, and the ship fired at Vorix, knocking him through multiple walls.
Dorkpool and Jeff were soon beamed onto the ship, where Jeff was given a robotic replacement for his leg by the Emergency Medical Hologram (which comes in handy on a ship with no doctors).
“I still hate you,” he said to Dorkpool.
“The feeling’s mutual, buddy. Let’s hope we never see each other again,” Dorkpool responded.
“Agreed. Also,” Jeff started. “thanks.”
Dorkpool nodded, and Jeff was transported off the ship, along with the many others like Jeff.
“Any sign of Vorix?” Dorkpool asked Mirror Dorkpool and Indometus after that.
“No, we can’t find a sign of him anywhere,” Mirror Dorkpool answered.
“Weird,” Dorkpool said.
Somewhere, Vorix stopped. He’d dragged himself to the one place most important to him: his private chambers. They, along with most of the base, were sensor-proof, so he couldn’t be found.
He looked up at the skull on the pedestal. It looked down at him, almost like it was judging him.
“I…I’ve failed you, father,” Vorix said. “I could’ve killed the one we hate most, but I was blinded by my hate for another. I have disgraced you and myself.
“But I shall try again, and I will succeed.”
Vorix picked himself up.
“By my life, I swear I will succeed!”