“Aw, you remembered.” Mirror said.
“Of course we did, since you told us. On my birthday. A day in which none of you gave me any presents. Not that I’m bitter or anything,” Dorkpool said.
“Anyway, we decided to get you presents,” Indo said, giving Mirror a wrapped package.
He opened it, revealing…
“RWBY Volume 1 and 2?” he asked.
“Oh, um, I sort of have it,” he said, sheepishly.
“What about the soundtracks?” she asked.
“Have that too.”
“What about a Boop shirt?” Dorkpool asked, while revealing the present he was holding behind him.
“Have that too,” Mirror said.
“Oh,” Dorkpool said, throwing the present behind him.
“How about whatshername, um, Nora’s hammer?” Indo asked, lugging a large package behind her.
“Got it,” Mirror said.
“I’ll take it,” Dorkpool said.
Indo glared at him.
“Alright, how about a plush Nora that says things when you squeeze it?” Dorkpool asked.
“I have it,” Mirror said.
“How? They don’t even make these things!” Dorkpool exclaimed.
“I have my ways,” Mirror said.
“Ugh. What don’t you have?” Indo asked.
Mirror thought for a second. “A life,” he said.
Indo and Dorkpool were silent for a minute.
“So…can we get that on Amazon, or…?” Dorkpool asked.
Mirror facepalmed. “Let’s just do the Riff,” he said.
Dorkpool: So there’s a story about Laughing Jack called “Laughing Jack Vs. The Glutton.”
Mirror: Sounds incredibly stupid and forced.
Dorkpool: It probably is. But to make sure, let’s get brainwashed by McDonalds and Riff this bitch!
My name is John and I work at McDonalds.
Dorkpool: (John): May I take your order?
And I got the best job in McDonalds as well.
Mirror: (John): I get to screw up people’s meals!
I dress up as Ronald McDonald in kid’s birthday parties. And it is a very good job to me, because I love clowns, and the fact that I’m a clown is like a dream come true. And also working at my favorite food store since I was a kid. I get up in the morning, go to McDonalds, and get dressed in my Ronald McDonald costume, (as well as put on my makeup.) And go to the party room and act as I’m told to.
Dorkpool: (John): Then I get rewarded with treats and belly rubs!
All of it changed in a few years of doing it though. On Halloween I borrowed the Ronald McDonald costume. And walked towards my friends place so we could mess around and tell us scary stories while wearing the costumes (I guess he would be surprised to see me wearing work clothes.)
I was walking down the street in my costume and waving at people as they go by. But soon I felt like I was being watched.
Mirror: Well, yeah. The NSA is watching you.
I looked around, nothing stood in the darkness of the streets around me. I walked onward for a while; I turned a corner and saw leaning against the wall was another clown like me. But obviously we weren’t the same clown, he was all black and white, he had long black hair and a spirally cone nose, he was wearing feathers, his skin looked like plastic, his arms and legs were very rag doll like. He had a cigarette in his mouth, and he was staring at me in a sinister look. “Well at least there are other clowns in this town other than me.”
Dorkpool: Hey, if you want to see more clowns, go to Hollywood.
I looked at him in fear and I stepped back. “Who… are you?” I said “I’m Laughing Jack.” He said. I soon broke free of the fear and said “Sorry but I’m in a hurry”. I walked past Laughing Jack staring at him, he stared back in a demonic look however he was still smiling. “Very well I’ll see you soon”
I went to my friends place and told him what happened. He stepped back, “you met Laughing Jack?!” he said in a shock.
Mirror: (Friend): Did you get his autograph?
“What? he seemed to just be wearing a costume of a clown.” “You don’t understand! He made me kill my son James! And he put me in the house for criminal inns!
Dorkpool: Criminal Inns: For the crimINNally insane.
And while I was there I could hear pop goes the weasel being played outside my window!” I thought my friend was going insane. “DOOD!
Mirror: (John): DOOD! How do you spell “dude” again?
Are you okay?!” he grabbed me by the collar and shook me back and forth as he spoke “you have to stay away from him! IF YOU SEE HIM AGAIN RUN!” I pulled his hands off my collar and said “dood stop worrying for god sake! Calm down!” “Your right I need to just relax. Sorry about that, you just gave me a fright.”
Dorkpool: (Friend): 2spoopy4me.
We walked in and I asked him if he could tell me what happened. He told me everything. I started to get nervous myself. “Laughing Jack told me he will see me soon. I hope he doesn’t now.” My friend gasped “if you see him just walk the other way if he sees you run!”
Mirror: (Friend): And if you think he notices you but you’re not too sure, run diagonally while singing “I’m An Oscar Meyer Wiener.”
Dorkpool: (John): Are you sure that’s going to help?
Mirror: (Friend): Oh, definitely.
I went back home after that night and went to sleep the next day I went to work as usual. Although at sunset when I walked home I could hear footsteps behind me. I turned around expecting to see Laughing Jack.
However it was
Dorkpool: (John): …Shia LeBouf.
a very fat man with a trench coat on that looked a little small and he was wearing sun glasses. I stopped and walked towards the man to ask why he was following me. I was just about to speak when he started to smile. His mouth got bigger and bigger until it looked like an act of a machine than a person. Then I notice the coat was his skin and it opened and the rib cage was revealed getting bigger.
Mirror: (John): And then he grew a tail, and then he fired lasers from his eyes, and then…
Dorkpool: Are you sure this is what happened?
Mirror: (John): Definitely! Then he told me he was my father, and then…
I see something moving inside the rib cage I ran as fast as I could without stopping the man followed and was catching up fast I soon came to end of the dead end street I stated to panic and I turned around to see the updated version of the creature. His ribs wear now spider leg like and he was running at me.
Dorkpool: I don’t think this is what Marvel means by “Giant Size Spider-Man.”
I knew this could be the end when a rope came down from the top of the building. I looked up and Laughing Jack was up the top encouraging me to climb.
I didn’t want to get eaten by the creature so I started to climb. When the creature reached the wall he started to climb up the bricks punching holes into wall. When I got to the top I asked immediately “why are you helping me.” Laughing Jack looked at me and said “clowns stick together.”
Mirror: Oh, so this is the Insane Clown Posse.
Laughing Jack reached into a bag he had and pulled out an anvil. He was struggling to carry it (since anvils are very heavy). He walked to the edge of the wall and dropped the anvil on the creature’s head as it fell to the ground. “Come on out kid’s time to play!” yelled Laughing Jack. Then undead children came out of the alleys and started to tear apart the creature. The creature fort back.
Dorkpool: (John): It was a fort to the deaf.
It ate a lot of them. Then Laughing Jack pulled out a giant confetti shooter. And aimed it at the creature and fired. BANG! It did shoot confetti but it also shot flaming arrows and they all hit the creature and it burst into flames.
Mirror: The creature used to be a monster like you, then it took an arrow to the everything.
The creature ran for its life knowing it could not fight this clown. He had too many tricks up his sleeve. “IF YOU TRY TO KILL A CLOWN AGAIN, I’LL BE BACK WITH SOMETHING WORSE!” yelled Laughing Jack. Then he turned to me. “Okay it’s safe to go down now.” He said “thank you…” I went down the rope slowly and walked away.
I met my friend later on. “I saw him again but he wasn’t as bad as you said.” My friend stepped back. “how… he killed my son!”
Dorkpool: (John): Exactly. I hated your kid.
“he saved my life form a creature.” “Why would he save you but harm me?” “I don’t know maybe he liked me,” My friend didn’t speak after that. I went home thinking about Laughing Jack. I had a feeling I was going to be saved by him again soon.
Mirror: (John): And I couldn’t wait. Just the thought of it turned me on.
Dorkpool: This story sucks…but it’s so much fun.
Mirror: The spelling and grammar aren’t very good, leading to some funny typos (“The creature fort back,”). The characters aren’t developed, and some seem to come out of nowhere. Seriously, where the hell did that creature come from, and why? Also, John seems to be brainwashed by McDonalds into loving it. Just saying.
Dorkpool: That being said, there are good things. The story’s short, so it’s not a drag. And, honestly, it’s fun to read. Seriously, this goes into the category of “so bad it’s good.” This story is just so strange that you can’t help but laugh. I mean, Laughing Jack defending a guy dressed like Ronald McDonald because clowns stick together? Sure, it’s weird and stupid, but it is funny as hell. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be attacked by some weird fat guy creature? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.