In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to.
(Narrator): It shouldn’t be too hard if you run naked through the street yelling, "Coocoocahcu, Colonel Sanders."
When you reach the receptionist's desk, ask to visit someone who calls themselves "The Holder of Accuracy." Should a look of terror and sorrow fall over the receptionist's face, they have found you, and no amount of running will save you.
However, if their face shows an expression of excitement and disbelief, you've come to the right place.
(Narrator): You’ve found a place where the inmates are literally running the asylum.
They will take you to the nearest door and open it for you. You must walk through the doorway exactly three seconds after they open it. No more, no less.
Apparently whatever is on the other side is anal retentive.
After walking through, the receptionist will close and lock the door behind you. You will find that you are now standing in a firing range with spots taken on either side of you as far as you can see. The people who take these spots are Seekers that have failed.
(Narrator): They never got the golden snitch.
They are doomed to an eternity of thoughtless enslavement, unable to summon enough free will to end their own lives with the weapons so tantalizingly close at hand.
Take the one open spot that is directly in front of you. You will notice that there is a rifle conveniently placed on a nearby table. As soon as you pick it up, a target will appear at the end of the firing range. You will have five bullets, and you must hit the center of the target with each of them. If you miss all five times,
(Narrator): …you clearly have terribly aim.
the Seeker to your left will put their gun to your head and pull the trigger. If you miss only once, you will join the Seekers that have failed in their mindless stupor.
If you manage to hit the bulls eye all five times, however, the firing range will disappear, and you will find yourself in an empty black void standing before a man dressed in a black trench coat and a dark brown fedora, but you will not be able to see his face. This is The Holder.
The Holder is Linkara dressed in a black trench coat?
If he is smoking a cigar, then he does not find you worthy of continuing your journey, and will shove you into the void to fall for eternity.
That’s got to suck. You go through all that trouble just to end up in some void for all eternity.
If he is smoking a cigarette, then he believes you are capable of progress. He will beckon for you to speak. You must ask him, "How many people tried to stop them?"
(Narrator): If he answers, "69," and giggles, it means you’re going to die painfully. If he answers, "42," it means a reference was made.
He will then tell you in great detail how many people tried to stop the objects from being lost, how many bullets were fired, how many battles were fought, how many wars were started, amongst other things. Don't worry. Few have gone insane from this information.
(Narrator): Besides, those who went nuts were pussies anyway.
The man will then hand you the rifle you used in the firing range. Any bullets that you load into this rifle will never spread and will always shoot where you aim.
You do realize "shoot where you aim" is basically what all normal guns do. If you were to say that it "shoots where you want it to", then that would make sense. Instead, you give us a guide on how to get a normal rifle. Wait, sorry, the rifle doesn't "spread", whatever the hell that means.
The man will give you a respectful nod and walk into the void. You will feel a strong gust of air and then you will find yourself standing in front of the place you call home.
(Narrator): Your parents’ house.
That rifle is Object 38 of 538. How many shots will it take to stop them?
The world may never know!
See what I mean when I said these are stupid? If you don't, let me explain. According to this pasta, if you do something that might a) get you captured or worse by some undefined people b) get you killed, c) get you stuck shooting a target for all eternity d) get you shoved into a void for all eternity or e) possibly drive you insane, you could get a rifle that doesn't spread (seriously, what does that even mean?). You go through all that trouble for a gun. Like I said, it's stupid.
There are some good things about it. The spelling and grammar is good, and I am curious about that Holder fellow. But other than that, it's pretty stupid.
So, what do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish I'd a) get you captured or worse by some undefined people b) get killed, c) get stuck shooting a target for all eternity d) get you shoved into a void for all eternity or e) possibly go insane? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.