Mirror: Were they any good?
Dorkpool: Kinda, yeah. They were about a narcissistic kid named Greg Heffley who’s given a diary (that he calls a journal) by his mom, and was forced to write in it. All of this takes place in a squeaky clean version of middle school where no one curses or makes bad sex jokes. For what it was, it was alright. Looking back, it doesn’t really resonate as much as something as, say, BIONICLE, because it’s not all that realistic. Granted, BIONICLE isn’t either, but it’s complex, well written (sometimes), and is something people of any age can enjoy. I’ll try explaining that story in my upcoming “History of BIONICLE” series.
Dorkpool: Hey, it works.
Mirror: Anyway, don’t we have a Riff?
Dorkpool: Right. So let’s write in a diary, and Riff this bitch!
My dad is a manchild who likes Diary of a Wimpy Kid so much, he forces me to read it with him whenever a new book comes out.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): It was less weird if he said he bought the books for me.
After what I just experienced, I don't know if I want to read a Diary of a Wimpy Kid book ever again.
I was walking down the street one day when I saw a Diary of a Wimpy Kid book I had never seen before. It was black, and read, "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Game Over". It had a picture with Greg in tears holding a gun to his head with a noose in the background on it. It listed Jeff Kinney as the author as usual, so I just assumed it was a new release with a darker turn to it.
Mirror: Is it Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Emo Years?
I picked it up, and took it to my dad's house. He was not home, so I went to my room. I couldn't tell at the moment, but something about it didn't seem quite right, so I opened it up and read it by myself. It was typical Wimpy Kid-style drawings and text allegedly by Jeff Kinney, but something was very different from those other books in the series.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Greg was going through puberty, and was drawing a bunch of naked women in the book.
Greg swore heavily in this one, as opposed to the profanity-free earlier books. I don't remember every single word in the book, but I can give a synopsis.
It was mainly Greg talking about how much he hates his life, how only bad things happen to him, and his desire to commit suicide. He starts taking drugs and drinking alcohol. As this goes on, the text and drawings get cruder and more low-quality, as Greg is under the influence of drugs while writing and drawing in his diary.
Mirror: This is your diary. This is your diary on drugs.
Dorkpool: That’s an egg you're holding, not a diary.
Mirror: It’s a metaphor!
In the final day of his diary, in practically illegible writing and crude, distorted drawings, Greg finds a gun that belongs to his brother Rodrick. He calls up Rowley to come over, telling him he has a "surprise" for him. Rowley arrives at Greg's house excitedly. A drugged-up and crazed Greg takes Rowley up to his room, and blindfolds him.
Dorkpool: (Rowley): So what’s this surprise?
Mirror: (Greg): Well, I’ll give you a hint: it involves a safe word.
Greg puts the gun in Rowley's mouth, and shoots. Rowley dies immediately. Greg, in tears, points the gun to his own head, and apparently kills himself. Real blood is visible over the last page Greg had used, not to mention the next two. Greg only used a third of the book, which had as many pages as any other Diary of a Wimpy Kid. The other two thirds of the book was blank diary pages.
Mirror: How many trees died for this authenticity?
I felt disturbed and queasy, like I could throw up. In fact, I did briefly.
I never believed the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series would end with Greg committing a murder-suicide with Rowley. I threw the book out the window in my dad's room into the street in front of cars, where it hopefully got ran over and destroyed, but I can't be sure. After it scarred me for life, I didn't want someone else to find it and have the same reaction I did. No decent person should have to read that horrible, scarring book.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): That’s why I’m going to send it to Donald Trump!
Dorkpool: This story is…eh.
Mirror: It’s full of clichés. You got the “unknown where the whatever came from,” “ultra-violence,” “realistic blood,” that sort of thing. Also, the dad was completely unnecessary to the story. If it was just that the main character liked the series, that would’ve been fine. Plus, it would have sort of explained why it was he kept reading: he was a fan, and wanted to see what happened. However, it seems like the main character is angry at his dad for making him read the books. So why read this one? And how could the narrator read what Greg wrote in his diary when it was pretty much illegible?
Dorkpool: There are good things. The Diary of a Wimpy Kid series is very unrealistic. Kids in middle school curse and talk about sex and such a lot. Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me if they talk about it more than Hugh Hefner. However, in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, kids don’t do that. I know why; the book is meant for a younger audience, and making it more realistic might hurt sales and/or create a public outcry. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that having this book be more realistic and darker is actually not a bad idea. Neither is making Greg depressed and/or addicted to drugs, since the addiction is sort of played realistically. And before anyone says that it makes no sense that Greg would write down a murder suicide, I can understand how it would be done: he kills Rowley, writes a suicide note, then kills himself. Having the book only be about a third of the way filled is actually kind of unique, though it would’ve been a bit more symbolic if he filled the book, and ended it with the suicide note. You know, keeping a “the end” theme going. I should also note that the spelling and grammar isn’t that bad, and it’s a pretty short story (thought I wouldn’t have minded if it were just a bit longer. Maybe explain how Greg got addicted to drugs, maybe say that he started hanging with the wrong crowd, leaving Rowley alone. Then things go to shit, and he invites Rowley over. This would make Rowley coming over make some more sense, since he hasn’t seen his friend in a while), so it doesn’t drag. It’s not a bad story, but it could be better. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d get hooked on drugs and commit a murder suicide? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.