-A dimensional portal opens up, and a train comes through-
Dorkpool: Oh, right, the Hype Train. That again.
Mirror: -gets off the train- RWBY VOLUME 3 IS COMING! WOOOOO!
Dorkpool: Oh yeah, I heard about that. Don’t they have a new character named Reese Clitoris or something?
Mirror: YEAH, TEAM ABRN – wait, did you say “Reese Clitoris?”
Dorkpool: Yes, yes I did.
Mirror: For shame.
Dorkpool: Hey, you were thinking the same damn thing, and you know it.
Mirror: I…anyway, don’t we have a Riff to do?
Dorkpool: We do, actually. So, let’s not talk about Ms. Clitoris anymore, and Riff this bitch.
It was a bright and sunny day and Cleo was walking to school.
Dorkpool: But then the Fire Nation attacked.
She had no friends and mostly stayed alone. As she walked into the school yard she entered the building expecting someone to punch her AGAIN!
Mirror: (Narrator): It was kind of a turn on for her.
Instead they where all talking about this kid named Jeff who's brother Liu had gone to jail for a year.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): They were also saying how messed up the justice system was here.
I walked to my locker, it was right next to Jeff when I looked at him he had longer hair and roles under his eyes and he looked really depressed.
Mirror: Wait, I? Who are you? Why are you suddenly referring to yourself in the first person? What’s going on? WHO WAS PHONE?
I didn't say anything. He looked at me and I looked away shyly. All of a sudden these kids Ryan, Adam and Zack popped in front of me and pushed me. At this point I just went bull freaking Jesus crazy on them.
Dorkpool: I have never heard the phrase “bull freaking Jesus crazy” before, but now I want to use it.
I punched them kicked them slapped then kicked one in the balls. I got detention.Yep.
After a few days I finally talked to Jeff I said: "Um...hi I'm Cl...Cleo I'm sorry about your bro".
Mirror: Why can no one say “brother?” It’s not that hard to do.
"It's okay you didn't do anything don't be sorry oh and I'm Jeff."
Few days later Jeff went crazy. He went to the hospital cause a kid caught him on fire. He killed his parents and brother after he got out of JDC. After a month I snapped. Ryan, Adam and Zack came up and made fun of me hurt me. So I grabbed my pocket knife and carved ones eyes out, stabbed the other and ran off and left Ryan there bleeding while the others lie motionless.
Dorkpool: That escalated quickly.
I cut out my eyes and my mom came in while I was crying.
"Sweetie what are you...HUH?" she said Cowardly while I was holding two knifes up to her "Sweetie, your eyes!". "I can hear, and smell and feel people through the ground and air" I said to her.
Mirror: (Mother): That is by far one of the stupidest things I’ve heard. Why are you such a disappointment?
"S...Sweetie please p...put the knifes down and we can sort this o...out" she said with her voice shaking. "No mom, go get dad and WE CAN SETTLE THIS!" I yelled.
Dorkpool: (Cleo): WE’LL SETTLE IT IN SMASH!
"Alright sweetie I will go get h...him" she said voice trembling in fear.
She ran to the bedroom. I slowly crept up the hall hearing what my mother was saying. "Sweetie get the gun and call the police!" she said as she saw me appear in the door way. "You lied just...like...Jeff's parents."
Mirror: (Cleo): Which I know of, since taking my eyes out made me telepathic.
I said grabbing hold of both parents. As my dad shot up the last thing they heard was: "FEEL THE PAIN LIKE I DID".
I said goodnight as I drew on the wall. On the wall it says "FEEL THE PAIN!" And I smiled and crawled out the window and disappeared into the woods.
Dorkpool: (Cleo): And walked into a tree since I can’t see shit.
Dorkpool: This story, without a doubt, sucks.
Mirror: It’s your standard Jeff knockoff. Bullied person goes nuts, mutilates him/herself, becomes killer. Wash, rinse, repeat. However, here, it doesn’t make much sense. Why did it take until a month after Jeff went nuts that she followed in the same path? Also, outside of pushing her and making fun of her, these bullies didn’t do much. Granted, I’m saying that the bullies were in the right (seriously, bullying is bad), but it’s not like they were beating her up or threatening her or anything. You know, maybe if we got some character development or something, her actions might’ve made more sense. But we get none of that. I’m not even sure how to describe Cleo as a character. I’m not sure if she’s nice, since the only time she was nice was when she talked to Jeff, but even then that wasn’t much of anything. Is she mean? Likable? I have no idea. And why does she cut out her eyes? That seems really impractical. What, did Cleo think, “Jeff burned off his eyelids, but he wasn’t hardcore enough! TIME TO RIP OUT MY EYES LIKE THE HARDCORE MLG PRO I AM!” And how did she know what Jeff’s parents’ said? This takes place after he went nuts, and one would assume that his entire family is dead, and he went off to star in other bad stories. So, no reporters could've reported what his parents said, and Jeff wasn’t going to come back and say, “Oh yeah, my parents threatened to kill me after I went batshit insane.” Speaking of which, why did her parents react the way they did? I mean, from the little I saw, they didn’t seem like bad parents. “Jeff the Killer,” while a horrendously flawed story, at least showed that his parents weren’t exactly the best, and cared less for their children and more for their self image. This makes their actions make a bit more sense. Here though, these people don’t seem like bad parents. Cleo never mentions that her parents are abusive or neglectful, only that Jeff exists and that she’s bullied. So, outside of creating a reason for Cleo to kill her parents and referencing “Jeff the Killer,” there’s no reason they should’ve done what they did. Now that we’ve got the ending out of the way, let’s talk a bit about the beginning. Starting out with “It was a bright and sunny day” isn’t the best way to go. And, for some reason, the story goes from third person to third person. There was no reason; the beginning could’ve just been first person, and you would’ve gotten the same effect.
Dorkpool: There are good things. The story’s short, so it doesn’t drag, and you don’t have to listen to Cleo say how awesome Black Veil Brides and My Chemical Romance are, and how misunderstood she is, and blah blah blah. (Nothing against the bands nor their fanbases, but you know that was what would’ve happened) For the most part, the spelling and grammar are decent, especially for a Jeff based story. However, it still sucks. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be killed by some eyeless Jeff wannabe? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.