The other two occupants of the sickbay, Indometus and Mirror Dorkpool, took note of this.
"You’re up." Mirror Dorkpool said simply.
"Yeah, I noticed. Where’s Jeff?"
"Is he still there?"
"Far as we know. As soon as we beamed him in there, we flooded the brig with anesthesia gas. He should still be unconscious right now."
"Are you ok?" Indometus asked.
"Yeah. My tongue’s back, so that’s a plus. Hey, what took you guys so long to beam me up anyway?"
Before Indometus could answer, Mirror Dorkpool interrupted, and said, "Let’s do a Riff first, and then we can discuss what happened, alright?"
Dorkpool shrugged. "Works for me."
Dorkpool: You know what we don’t discuss on here?
Mirror: Do tell.
Mirror: A lot of Creepypasta stories don’t have drugs.
Dorkpool: Well, the writers might have had some.
Dorkpool: Anyway, like I said, we don’t talk about drugs very much here. However, today we’re going to have to since the story we’re Riffing – "Circus – The Weed Substitute" – involves drugs.
Mirror: Oh, fun.
Dorkpool: Yep! So let’s 420 blaze it and Riff this bitch!
Okay well, although you may not believe me, this actually happened.
Dorkpool: And all believability just flew out the window.
It happened at the beginning of this year and I don't think I'll ever be the same again. You see it all started when I went to buy some drugs.
Mirror: (Narrator): I was arrested by the cops, sent to jail, and now I can’t ever sit comfortably again.
A few weeks prior, I had begun smoking weed. I enjoy smoking weed and still do as it doesn't affect me in any way except for making me feel relaxed. Although this may be a controversial topic to some of you on here, please push past it as the stuff I bought was not. NOT. Weed.
Mirror: So…was it weed?
Basically the story starts with my friend and I agreeing to have a little bit of a sesh when I came over that afternoon, as I was staying over.
However I hadn't had Mary Jane for sometime
Dorkpool: Neither has Spider-Man. Heyooooo!
as I don't smoke that often, so I decided to buy some 'Northern Lights'. "Northern Lights" are a fake weed substitute I had used in the past and which are legal in the country I live,
Mirror: (Narrator): Ecuador.
although I think the law might have changed since then since a kid took an LSD substitute and decided to jump off his roof.
When I got to the tobacco shop, I asked the woman at the counter, a young twenty something Asian woman who seemed shy yet nice, to give me some Northern Lights (I think if you Google it you can find this drug). However she told me that they had sold out. I was like, well shit, what am I going to bring to my friend?
Dorkpool: China Cat?
I can't let him down because I promised to smoke him out. That's when she told me they had this other drug, Circus. I was immediately like, thank god! I immediately agreed to buy it.
Looking back I was in such a rush to get away (because although I was 18 at the time I'm not used to breaking the law and it felt illegal) I didn't notice how much she wanted to get rid of it.
Mirror: (Narrator): The fact that she agreed to give me her first-born child if I took the drug didn’t really register on my radar.
It seemed rather odd, just her facial expression, but it's hard to remember as it was so long ago and I took very little notice of it. She gave me a black piece of cardboard folded over a packet of this really normal looking weed. However on the front of it was a skull and the words 'CIRCUS' written in really big letters.
It looked like a tattoo skull that you think about when you see a biker gang. Even though the skull looked cool, I really didn't think it was anything special. How wrong I fucking was...
I then caught the bus to my friend's place. When I got there I whipped out the Circus from my pocket and announced to my friend our plans for the evening.
Mirror: (Narrator): Alright, guys, we’re gonna go build a snowman!
Dorkpool: (Friends): Ya - wait, what?
Mirror: (Narrator): Out of cocaine!
Dorkpool: (Friends): Wooooo!
We were stoked. We went to his backyard and I packed a bowl of this stuff. I hadn't smoked in a month so I thought the best thing to do was pack a really big cone and Christmas tree-it.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): As you can tell, I’m not very bright.
I lit it up and start ripping that sucker. I thought I got most of the way when I felt the effects taking hold on me. I immediately freaked out, but then realized this wasn't weed. I had no idea what its effects would be. I immediately pulled away, leaving half the ginormous cone still there, and exhale.
It was wonderful. For about 20 seconds. Everything started getting really hazy like I was peaking at a . But it was wrong, I felt this jabbing pain up and down my entire body just a NgNgNgNgNgNgNg
Mirror: In case you’re wondering, yes, that’s the technical term.
everywhere as if it were bouncing side to side. I was collapsing all over myself and for some reason I remembered laughing. My friend tossed the water out of the billy and took me inside. He sat me down and smiled at me, I think it was because of my manic expression. Although I was in agonizing pain, I couldn't help but laugh in a crazed manner. That's when I realized there was something wrong with his face.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): It looked like Steven Tyler’s.
Actually, no, I didn't realize it. There was someone speaking to me who told me to look at his face. So I did. That's when I saw that his face was actually just a blank rectangle of flesh - like those wooden oval headed figurines, and his features were just added on, like some kind of sick Mr Potato Head. I felt sick. I told him some lame excuse and headed to the bathroom. That was when it started to get intense.
Mirror: [HIGH INTENSIFIES]
Dorkpool: Don’t you mean, "intensihighs"?
Mirror: No, no I don’t.
Looking back at me was this block of meat with features. I don't remember doing it but I remember seeing myself fully in the mirror so I must've taken my clothes off at some point. I started freaking out. It was like someone had cut a huge marble like block of flesh and gradually whittled down to the basis of a human body. Except they had forgotten the face and simply mushed in a nose and eyes. It was copying everything I was doing until I heard the voice again say something.
Dorkpool: (Voice): You must go to the Dagobah system…
I couldn't make it out but I touched my face to see if it got some reaction from the thing I was looking at. It didn't raise its hand. Instead it reached into its chest, right where its heart should be and I heard the squelch of flesh as it reached in and pulled out the bag of circus. It then shook it in front of my face and laughed. It tilted back its head. And laughed.
Mirror: So…did it laugh?
The features however didn't move from its body it was just sliding up and down as this thing contorted its body in mirth.
That was when its mouth opened and spoke, in time with the pinging pain in my body.
"Na Na Na just quit." It repeated it over and over.
"Ne na na just quit."
Dorkpool: No, it’s "Na na na na na na na na na Batman!"
Its voice wasn't anything. It was just as if the pain in my body was forming words. What happened then I just cant explain.
Mirror: And cue explanation.
I kind of reached into the mirror and took the Circus from the thing. I remember touching its hand briefly. It was like jelly but covered in razors. It stung me but was a fluid-like substance while it did it.
That was when I realized what it wanted me to do. I was just a robot in a sick game show. This bathroom was one cubicle of many in which I was an unwitting competitor. The aim: to kill oneself.
Dorkpool: I bet Steve Harvey hosts this show.
I remember feeling myself kind of leave my body, I was in so much panic because it felt like it had all happened before, like it was everything going on, that was what humans were - people who were supposed to die as soon as they found out, and those people who died first won.
Mirror: What exactly did they win?
Dorkpool: A new car! –"Price is Right" theme plays-
My body then left my control completely and proceeded to smash up the sink. I was destined to drown. I turned the tap on but realized it would never fit my head.
I went to the toilet but some part of me defiantly said:
"No way in hell am I drowning in a toilet."
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I shall drown in a kiddie pool, thank you very much.
That was when I got some control of my body back. Suddenly I was running across the room with my head straight towards the marble wall. I hit it and pain shot through me. Except what I realized was that this pain was...
Mirror: (Narrator): …painful.
tangible I could feel it. I controlled it. It wasn't what was happening in my brain.
I made a break for the door but my body, completely against my will, forced me into the tub, throwing all the towels off the rack and shampoos into it, to increase its volume. My body was so bent on dying it was using logic.
Dorkpool: Because Vulcans are suicidal, apparently.
I waited in the water until it was deep enough then I plunged my head under. For an age I tried to drown myself but every time I would get close I pulled away. The imaginary crowd cheering at my failure.
Mirror: The readers laughing at your writing.
I sat in the water, drinking it and gagging on and off until I realized I had control of my body again. I got out and looked around. The bathroom was trashed. Toilet bowl was smashed and there was water all over the floor. My body was covered in water, blood and puke. But when I looked in the mirror, it was my face.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): By god, was it ugly.
The Circus skull, however, was engraved into it. It took up the entire mirror. It was frightening in its detail. I could was never good at art so I am skeptical it was me.
Mirror: You also could never was good at writing.
Me consciously anyway.
His parents called my parents and my mum took me home. I made up some bullshit excuse about passing out from the steam in the bathroom, because I had had the water on full hot the entire time (My body was completely red and there was blistering on my legs and chest.
Sometimes I wake up after seeing the block of meat in my dream. I find I am breathing really fast and can feel the pain in my body. There is always a piece of paper on my chest with the image of the Circus skull on it. I burn it every time.
Dorkpool: Don’t you mean you blaze it every time?
Mirror: Dude, stop with the puns.
This has happened a few times, but has been escalating recently. With Halloween approaching I am a little bit apprehensive but am pretty confident nothing serious is going to happen.
If you have read this far I thank you.
Mirror: (Narrator): The fact that you haven’t decided I’m a moron and stopped reading means a lot to me.
It means a lot to be able to get this in the open. I have tried many hours of searching for the circus skull or the product without success. If you can find it please tell me as I don't want to think I made it up.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I just want to think I hallucinated it.
I have never gone back to the store I bought it from, I don't intend to and I don't want to.
I still think the world is a game.
Mirror: No, the world is a vampire.
Dorkpool: This story is…odd.
Mirror: It has quite a few cliches – like the "this is totally real", someone trying to give away the episode/drug/whathaveyou, the writer being unable to find the episode/whateverthehell again, etc. The story feels less like its scary, and more like a weird drug high. Which might be the point, I guess. Also, the character isn’t really developed outside of being a druggie, and the writer relies more on telling than showing.
Dorkpool: Despite all that, I don’t want to say that it sucks. Is it good? Not really. But it’s not horrible either. The spelling and grammar is pretty good, and the plot, while random and kind of nonsensical, does help create an atmosphere of strangeness. Honestly, if this story was trying to feel like some weird drug high, then the writer did a pretty good job. But if the writer was trying to make a scary story, then he failed miserably. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d get on this game show? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
"So, tell me, what took you guys so long to beam me up?" Dorkpool asked.
The three of them were on the bridge, discussing what happened earlier.
"Well, you know how you’ve been kind of a narcissist lately?" Mirror Dorkpool asked.
"Well, you have. Anyway, we decided that you needed to be brought down a peg. We knew you wouldn’t be killed, but that maybe your ego might-"
"Wait, hold on. You were both in on this?"
Mirror Dorkpool and Indometus nodded, though Indometus couldn’t look Dorkpool in eyes. She decided to look elsewhere instead.
"And you felt the best way for me to be brought down a peg was to get my ass handed to me by Jeff the Killer and get my tongue cut out?"
"Well, we knew that you can’t die, and-"
"And that still hurt like hell!"
"And having to deal with your Shatner-sized ego is annoying as hell."
"Even if I were being egotistical, that still doesn’t excuse the fact that you didn’t beam us both back up when I asked! That was the plan, damn it!"
Indometus noticed something on one of the consoles. Something that wasn’t very good.
"Um, guys?" she said.
The two Dorkpools ignored her, and instead continued fighting with each other.
"Did the plan include you being more tolerable?" Mirror Dorkpool asked.
"No, it included me still having my tongue in my head!" Dorkpool responded.
"Please, you knew it would grow back. Honestly, it was nice having you be quiet for a minute. It was pretty peaceful."
"Will getting shot out a torpedo tube make things peaceful too?"
"Hey, guys." Indometus said again. Once again, she was ignored.
"I don’t know, why don’t you go shoot yourself out of one?" Mirror Dorkpool asked.
"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP!" Indometus yelled.
The two Dorkpools immediately shut up, and looked at Indometus.
"Jeff escaped," she said.
They were all quiet for a minute, until Dorkpool said, "Great. Just great. Any other bad news?"
Indometus searched for a minute, then said, "There’s a new story on the Creepypasta Land Wiki. And it’s a Jeff-inspired story."
"Well fuck me with a cactus," Dorkpool said.