Now, onto the regularly scheduled program.]
“So, Jack, you appear to have lost another member of your little team,” Captain Kren said. He was talking to Laughing Jack via the communication devices he and Jack had.
“What are you talking about?” Jack asked.
“I just got word from that X fellow that he’s no longer working with us anymore, and plans to die. That leaves…who in your team? Just you?”
“Pretty sure the Rake survived that explosion, but I have no idea where he is. His tracker must’ve been damaged in the explosion.”
“Jack, the only…creatures left are you and maybe that Rake thing. Meanwhile, I’ve gotten word that not only is the fake Dorkpool alive, but he and his new friend have been broken out of a police station by some woman with cat ears and a giant spider monster. I want him, and everyone he’s working with, dead, or else you’ll be dead. Do you understand?”
Kren couldn’t see it for sure, but he was pretty sure Jack was smiling. “Do you worst. I’ll do mine. Bye!”
Kren felt like his plans were starting to fall apart. At this rate, he should just have this ship blow the city Dorkpool and his friends were at off the map. But Skrein wouldn’t want that, oh no. He doesn’t want “innocents” to die, even though these people were hardly innocent, and honestly Kren had come to think of them less as people and more of pale reflections of better versions from his home. But Skrein, oh no, Skrein…
…was right behind him.
“Who was that?” Skrein asked.
“That was an…asset I have down on the planet, looking for this universe’s Dorkpool.”
“Asset? Is it a member of our crews? I’ve gotten no word on any sort of away team being assembled from our ships to go down looking for him.”
“No, the asset originates here. Well, assets. I’ve assembled beings from something called Creepypasta to hunt him down. Considering this Dorkpool, along with ours and a friend, makes fun of them and their stories, I thought it’d be fitting.”
“What kind of beings are these?”
“Monsters. Murderers. Creatures of nightmares.”
“Are you insane? Releasing beings like that on this world?”
“They were already there.”
“Yes, but now they’re working together, causing all kinds of chaos in our name.”
Kren got up. “And what’s wrong with that?”
“This isn’t our world. We have no right to interfere.”
“We have every right to interfere. We’re conquerors, Fleet Commander! All we do is interfere. What’s one more world to the likes of us?”
“We’re not conquerors. We’re trying to protect our people, not hurt others. Our issue is with our emperor, his counterpart and their friend. Everyone else here has no business with us and shouldn’t be involved.”
“You want to protect our people? Conquest is the way. Doing this is the way. Besides, the people here don’t matter. Only our people matter!”
Skrein stepped towards Kren, so that he was only scant inches away from him.
“I believe very much that we are on the right side. The just side. And the just and right don’t put innocent people in harm’s way just to further their goals. End this. Now.”
“And you’re out of line, Captain.” Skrein said, spitting out the title like it was a curse. “End this.”
“I have approval from the Sovereign for this. Do you really wish to question it?”
Skrein didn’t answer.
“I could easily tell him that you’re questioning him, and showing signs of weakness. And you know exactly what he’ll do if I told him that.”
“Fine,” Skrein said, his voice low and filled with anger. “But if this hurts any innocents, I will be after you.”
“Of course, Fleet Commander.”
Skrein left, wondering if he was really was on the right side. Kren stayed, hoping that his plan would work.
“That was big mistake,” Indo said, lunging at Bandit. She slammed into him, knocking him to the ground, grabbing his crossbow and throwing it off the building. She started slashing at Bandit with her extended claws, making lines of blood across his face.
Bandit rolled, causing Indo to end up under him. Before he could do anything, he felt something attach to the back of his head, and then violently yank him away into the hand of Spyder. Spyder smashed him into the ground, hard enough to leave an imprint in it. Bandit, bleeding and in incredible pain, started to get up, and spit blood from his mouth.
“Is that all you g –” Bandit started, before a backhand from Spyder sent him flying. He landed on the ground, unconscious. Taking no chances, Spyder webbed him up.
Jake NukeIt, meanwhile, watched all of this.
“Damn,” he said.
“Come on,” Indo said, walking towards Spyder. “We’ve got to go.”
“What about Dorkpool?” Jake asked.
“We’ve probably got cops on our tail, Bandit might make up and get out of the webbing, and whatever caused you two to fall of that freeway might be after us now. We’ll get to my place, then try finding him from there. Spyder, let’s go.”
Spyder grabbed Indo and Jake, then leaped off the building, firing a web and swinging away. Jake closed his eyes.
A van arrived at the building that the three just left. A van containing Dorkpool and two idiots named Edgelord and Bobby (though Bobby wasn’t all that bad of a guy, it seemed, since he was nice enough to drive them to the building). Edgelord was on the ground in the back of the van, unconscious (Dorkpool stunned him with his phaser since he was tired of Edgelord’s bullshit), and Dorkpool was sitting up front with Bobby.
“We’re here,” Bobby said.
“Thanks,” Dorkpool said, stepping out. He looked up, and saw a giant spider thing holding two people and swinging around. Dorkpool got back into the van, and said, “Follow the weird spider monster!”
Dorkpool pointed at them.
“Ohhhh…” Bobby said.
Bobby slammed on the gas.
“Hey,” Bobby said. “It looks like that thing’s got a girl in its arm.”
“It does. My ex, actually.”
“You had a girlfriend?”
“Why is everyone so surprised by that?”
“No, it’s just that I haven’t. Girls just don’t like nice guys like me. They just keep me in the friendzone.”
“Do you refer to them as ‘m’lady?’”
“That’s why your single. That, and the fedora and your freakishly perverted love of My Little Pony.”
“How did you know about the My Little Pony thing?”
“Oh my lord I’m being driven around by a stereotype,” Dorkpool muttered.
The swinging trio ended up on a building, and Spyder started climbing.
“Alright, you can let me off here,” Dorkpool said.
Bobby stopped the van.
“Listen, maybe if you got rid of the fedora, shaved your neckbeard, and stopped expecting all girls to fall for you because you’re ‘nice,’ maybe you wouldn’t be single.” Dorkpool said.
“But I am nice!” Bobby exclaimed.
“Bye,” Dorkpool said, getting out of the van, and running towards the building. He took out a phaser, and fired near the big monster climbing the wall. It stopped, and looked down at him.
“What was that?” Jake asked as the laser struck the wall next to him. “And why are we stopping?”
“Look!” Indo said, pointing towards the ground. Jake did so, and so did Spyder. Both saw Dorkpool, who was jumping up and down and waving his arms.
And then suddenly they were falling.
Dorkpool watched as Spyder jumped off the building, and fell to the ground. He felt the impact from where he was standing. Spyder ran towards him, raised arm, and fired a web at him. Dorkpool suddenly felt himself being yanked into Spyder’s hand.
Spyder jumped back onto the wall, and started climbing once more.
“Hi, guys,” Dorkpool said.
“Where the hell were you?” Jake asked.
“Well, after Bandit shot me off a building, I ended up in a van with some members of the Cult of X. One of them was irritatingly edgy, the other just a neckbeard. Anyway, I ended up in Sonic.exe’s dimension, along with Mirror and Sylvia – ”
“Wait,” Indo said. “Who’s Sylvia?”
“An employee and someone who’s just a friend,” Dorkpool responded.
“Anyway, three of us Riffed some crappy Sonic.exe story, then X, or Sonic.exe but it’s so much easier saying X, started saying that he’d kill me. Then I shot him a couple of times, Sylvia decapitated him, and I kicked him in the eyes until he let me leave his dimension.”
“You do some weird shit, dude,” Jake said.
Bandit woke up. He was in a lot of pain, but he was awake. He tried to get up, but found that he couldn’t, since he was covered in webbing. Struggling against it did no good, and it’s not like he could reach any of his arrows since his entire body, except his head, was covered in webbing.
“Having some trouble?” a raspy voice asked.
Bandit turned his head towards the direction of the voice. When he saw the speaker, he gasped in horror.
“Oh my God, it’s you.”
“In the flesh. And exposed bones and nerve endings.”
“But you’re dead!” he said.
“I was. Not anymore,” the voice said. Suddenly, Bandit felt a blinding pain in his gut, and then nothing more.
Dorkpool, Indo, Jake, and Spyder finally made it to Indo’s hideout.
“You know,” Jake said, after Spyder let go of him. “I think I’m started to get used to being carried around by a giant spider monster.”
Dorkpool, meanwhile, was looking around. They appeared to be in an abandoned warehouse. There were signs of habitation: a TV, a chair, some food wrappers.
“Are you sure we’re safe here?” Dorkpool asked.
“Yes,” Indo answered.
“Good.” Dorkpool said, then smacked Indo across the face.
Jake yelled, “Dude, what the hell?” and Spyder started to lunge forward. Indo, meanwhile, held up a hand.
“I deserved that, didn’t I?” she asked.
“Why the fuck did you leave and what the fuck’s going on?” Before Indo could answer, Dorkpool noticed some red on her face. “Are you bleeding?” he asked.
Indo shook her head, then took off her trench coat. Underneath, she wore a black tank top and black pants, but that wasn’t what caught Dorkpool’s attention. It was the red lines crisscrossing her exposed skin, all the way up to her chin.
“Just like in the picture,” Dorkpool muttered.
“What picture?” Indo asked.
Dorkpool took out the picture he had in his belt – the one of Indo and the rest of the Other Heroes – and handed it to her.
“Where’d you get this?” she asked.
“After the Cheese Doodle was destroyed, I went in your room, and found this picture.”
“The Cheese Doodle was destroyed?!” Indo exclaimed.
“Yeah, and I’ll tell you what happened, but first could you please tell us what the fuck is going on?”
Indo let out a breath.
“Alright,” she said. “I’ll tell you.”
TO BE CONTINUED…