Dorkpool: -pulls in on a train- WOOOOOO! ALL ABOARD THE HYPE TRAIN!
Mirror: Hype Train? For what? Is Volume 3 out?
Dorkpool: EVEN BETTER! THERE’S A TRAILER FOR DEADPOOL OUT!
Mirror: That’s awesome! Though I would’ve liked Volume 3 to come out a bit more…
Dorkpool: WHAT’S THAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE HYPE!
Mirror: I said, “I would’ve liked V – ”
Dorkpool: LET ME REPHRASE THAT: I CHOOSE NOT TO HEAR YOU OVER THE HYPE!
Mirror: Asshole. Anyway, we’ve got a Riff to do.
Dorkpool: OH! RIGHT! –steps off train – What are we Riffing today?
Mirror: A story called “The Life of a Proxy.”
Dorkpool: Oh. Fun. Well, let’s listen to the voices in our head and Riff this bitch!
He deserved it, he... he deserved it, I don't regret killing him at all.
Dorkpool: I’m pretty sure anyone who ends up killing Donald Trump would say those same words.
He wasn't at the hospital with mom and I when sister died. All he did was get drunk and abuse us... that asshole... deserved it. That day where I stabbed him in his chest repeatedly... he deserved it.
Mirror: (Narrator): Well, the chest stabbing, that is. Everything else – from the posthumous vasectomy to the setting ablaze of his corpse – might have been a bit much.
I can't even imagine the... pain he must've felt during it all. I don't really care though, he's dead now and I'm happy as I'll ever be. Who is this speaking, you ask? I'll get to that later, right now I'll just continue talking to the voices in my head.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): What’s that, voices in my head? Dress like a chicken and pee on Joe Biden? Well, you’re the bosses.
No, I don't want them to go away. Why... why would you even consider asking that? They're the only things that keep me c-company.
I bet you're wondering why I'm like this? Why do you even care? I'm just the retarded kid, but I'm not retarded.
Mirror: (Narrator): I’m “special.”
I may have been born with Tourette's and other disabilities, but I'm not retarded. What's cool about me is, I also can't feel pain. I think he liked that about me... the Slender Man. You see, he saved from my stupid f-family, ever since then I've been serving him. My life is perfect now, he tells me to kill, and I do it, and I enjoy it, thoroughly.
The thing I don't enjoy, is working with these idiots... Masky and Hoody.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): So I killed them too.
Masky... he's so... irritating to me. He always gets in my way, oh what? Are you jealous because I'm the Slender Man's right hand now, is that it?
Mirror: Not really, since Masky is Slendy’s right tendril man.
Sometimes I just want to bore my hatchet into his pathetic little skull. I would feel so happy doing that. Just seeing him sit there, watching and dying as I press the blade into his head and cut his brain. But the Slender Man forbids it.
Dorkpool: What a buzzkill.
So me and Masky made an agreement, I leave him the fuck alone and he leaves me the fuck alone, everybody wins. Now Hoody on the other hand, why would the Slender Man choose him to be a proxy? All he does is watch Masky and I kill and slaughter. He doesn't do anything, what is his purpose?
Mirror: I said the exact same thing about Kyle Reese in Terminator Genisys.
I don't doubt the Slender Man's choices, who he chooses, we work with. It has always been that way, and we aren't even friends, we're just workmates.
My name is Toby, or as some of you may call me... Ticci Toby.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Or, as my fangirls call me, sexy.
Dorkpool: This story doesn’t really suck.
Mirror: I’m not sure what, exactly, to call this. It feels less like a story, and more a summation of Ticci Toby’s origin and some work related complaints. There isn’t much in the way of characterization, but, in the case of this…whatever, I’m not sure it’s necessary.
Dorkpool: There are good things about this. The spelling and grammar are good, and we do get some insight into Toby’s life (which I think was sort of the point) and way of thinking. I can’t call this story good or bad, since it’s not very good nor is it bad. Honestly, it’s just sort of meh. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d be killed by a proxy? Leave your thoughts in the comments below. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m boarding the Hype Train once more.