Now, onto the regularly scheduled program.]
(Note: This takes place after the events of “Meanwhile, Off the Cheese Doodle #5”)
Dorkpool woke up to the sound of “Crawling In My Skin.” Which was weird, considering that the last thing he remembered was being broken out of prison by his ex-girlfriend and a giant spider creature, then getting shot off a rooftop by a guy named Bandit. Linkin Park doesn’t really mesh with that series of events.
“What the hell?” he asked.
“Good, you’re up,” someone next to him said. Opening his eyes, Dorkpool saw someone who appeared to be 12 standing next to him. The boy was dressed in a black trench coat, black fedora, and was holding a sword. It also seemed like the music was coming from him.
“Am I in Edgy Hell?” Dorkpool asked.
“No, but you’ll be in hell soon,” the boy responded, emphasizing the word “hell.”
“Why the emphasis?”
“Because I’m so edgy because I curse.”
“Alright Lil’ Edgelord, where the fuck am I, who are you, and what is going on?”
“My name’s Edgelord, and I’m with the Cult of X. And you’re in a van. Another member is driving.”
A large man in a black fedora poked his head out from the driver’s side of the van.
“Hi!” he said.
“Hey, there’s no being nice in the Cult of X!” Edgelord yelled. “Just drive.”
Dorkpool took all of this in, and laughed.
“What’s so funny?” Edgelord asked, his voice cracking.
“Y-you’re all so ‘edgy’ and part of the C-cult of X! Could you guys be any more pathetic?” Dorkpool asked, barely able to get out the words due his laughter.
Edgelord held his sword to Dorkpool’s throat.
“Do you think the Cult of X is funny?”
“You won’t think it is now.” Edgelord grabbed a nearby laptop, opened it, and waited for it to boot up. This took a minute.
“So, is the slow computer the scary part, or…?”
“Quiet!” Edgelord said, as the computer booted up. He clicked on a desktop icon on the computer that said, “SONIC.EXE.”
The game loaded, and it was, as the icon said, Sonic.exe.
“Play this.” Edgelord said.
Dorkpool shrugged. “Alright.”
Dorkpool started playing. The game was pretty accurate to the story, but he started to realize something else.
“This game is kinda boring,” Dorkpool noted.
“Yeah, I mean all you do is run around while ‘spoopy’ imagery appears in the background. There’s no gameplay variety.”
The computer screen suddenly changed from the game to a message.
“DON’T LIKE MY GAME? HOW ABOUT YOU PLAY IT FOR REAL?”
And then suddenly…
…Dorkpool was in 8-bit.
“Holy fuck I am high.”
A Kefka-esque laugh shook the land.
“NO, YOU’RE JUST IN MY WORLD NOW.” A voice boomed from above. Dorkpool looked up to see a giant Sonic with black eyes and red pupils.
He wasn’t impressed.
“Clichéland, the Crappiest Place On Earth?”
“NO, YOU’RE IN MY DIMENSION! KNEEL!”
“Only if you add “before Zod,” after that.”
The being – X, or Sonic.exe – looked down at Dorkpool. “WHY AREN’T YOU SCARED?”
“Because I just keep thinking of how stupid your stories are, and how idiotic it is for Sonic to be some horror character.”
“I AM SCARY! I AM GOD! YOU WILL UNDERSTAND HOW TERRIFYING I AM WHEN I DESTROY YOU!”
“That’s nice. Listen, since we’re in this pixelated 8-bit world, you think any songs I play here will become 8-bit like? Am I in a MIDI making world?”
“THAT’S NOT THE POINT – ”
Dorkpool took out an mp3 player, and started playing “The Time Is Now.” It came out in 8-bit.
“Oh cool! 8-bit John Cena theme!”
“SILENCE! I WILL MAKE YOU DESPAIR! BUT FIRST, TO BE NICE, EVEN THOUGH IT IS GETTING INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT TO DO SO, I WILL ALLOW YOU TO RIFF ONE MORE STORY.”
“Can you bring Mirror and Sylvia here?”
“Didn’t you say you were God? Isn’t God able to do shit like this?”
Suddenly, pixelated versions of Mirror Dorkpool and Sylvia Ann Sylvia appeared next to Dorkpool.
“What the fuck?” Mirror asked.
“Why are we all pixely?” Sylvia asked.
“Oh, because Sonic.exe kidnapped me and then said he’d make me Riff a story, so I figured you guys would want to come. How’d he get you guys here anyway?” Dorkpool explained.
“Not sure. We just clicked on an email that said “Sonic.exe,” thinking it’d be a story to Riff, and suddenly we’re here.” Mirror said.
Dorkpool turned to the edgy Sonic. “You could email your stupid game?”
“Why don’t you normally do that? Wouldn’t it make your job easier?”
“…JUST GET TO THE MOCKING.”
Mirror: So this is what it’s like to be in the Sonic.exe game?
Dorkpool: Yeah. Kinda disappointing, huh?
Mirror: No, it’s pretty much what I expected.
Sylvia: So what are we Riffing today?
Dorkpool: It appears to be a story called “Sonic.exe II.”
Mirror: Is that the sequel?
Dorkpool: No, that’s “Sonic.exe: Round 2” you’re thinking of.
Sylvia: A spin-off?
Dorkpool: There we go. So, let’s be daughter and Riff this bitch!
My name is Craig Borgen.
Dorkpool: (Craig): And this is Jackass.
I have loved Sonic games all my life. I have every single Sega console and every single Sonic game.
Mirror: (Craig): I also have no friends.
Well, so I thought.
I was looking on eBay to find something Sonic related for my little brother's birthday (we all are pretty big Sonic fans) when I found a rather strange looking Sonic game. It said "SONIC.EXE" in all caps, I felt like it was a title of a story on trollpasta.
Sylvia: Well, you’re not wrong.
Anyways, I decided to give my brother my old Tails plush and bought the game for myself. The guy only made me pay $1.00 to buy it. Seems like he wanted to get rid of it or it's quality was bad. Either way, it was Sonic, so I had to buy it.
Dorkpool: (Craig): I’m a whore for Sonic.
About a week later, it arrived. I waited about two weeks for my family to leave me home alone all night so I can play a sonic marathon.
Mirror: Don’t you mean, “watch porn?”
Once they left, I immediately popped it in the console and started playing.
It looked like the original Sonic game! I was stoked, because my current one is very glitchy.
Sylvia: Which totally freaks out Dubiousdugong.
It showed the normal Sonic intro, but it flashed for a split second. All I could make out is that Sonic's eyes were black with a red dot in each and were bleeding. Kinda creepy,
Dorkpool: -looks up- No, not really.
X: SHUT UP.
but I thought it was just a glitch and continued.
It started out with three characters on the character select screen. There was Cream the rabbit, Rouge the bat, and Metal Sonic.
Mirror: That’s so metal.
That was weird, because none of those debuted in the first game. I must have bought a hack. Oh well, I have all the real games, might as well start my collection of hacked versions.
I picked Cream and started the level. It was named "No hope".
Sylvia: Also a nickname for 2016.
That was weird, but maybe it's just the first part of the game where Robotnik (I refuse to call him Eggman) would do something bad and it would seem like no hope was left until Cream saved the day. It started on a mountain. I climbed up and all seemed normal, except there were no enemies. Soon I saw little splats of blood on the side of the mountains. Cream looked at the screen and looked scared. I was creeped out, the way she broke the fourth wall as if to warn me to turn back was rather unnerving.
Dorkpool: This story is so bad not even the characters want to be in it.
Nonetheless I continued climbing. There I saw Sonic on the top. Cream was trying to get Sonic's attention. Sonic opened his eyes and slowly turned around. His eyes...they were black...with red dots in the middle of each. His eyes seemed to have blood under the eyes. He said "Hey friend! Wanna play a game?".
Mirror: Sonic is Jigsaw confirmed.
I was freaked out. Cream kinda was to and she backed away slowly. Sonic spoke again. "Let's play tag! I'll give you a head start! 10..."
The cutscene was over. I ran down the hill. Sonic kept counting as I ran down the seemingly endless mountain. Once he got to 1 I kept running and Sonic slowly but surely caught up. Once he caught me the screen went back and I heard a screaming noise. Sonic then said "You were too slow! Wanna try again?".
Sylvia: When you read Sonic’s dialogue in his voice, this actually becomes hilarious.
It went back to the main menu with one of the save files filled up with Cream's dead body. I was unnerved but picked Rouge and started on the next save file.
Dorkpool: (Craig): I’m so scared! I should keep playing!
It started on a level called "Where's god now?".
Mirror: Wherever Morgan Freeman is, I’m guessing.
I was repulsed, but then again I was an atheist so it didn't offend me as much. Rouge arrived in a dungeon.
Sylvia: Please tell me it’s not a sex dungeon.
I made her move and walked around the creepy dungeon. There was blood everywhere, and a few dead children on the side of the dungeon wall. I threw up, these were hyper-realistic and looked very real.
Dorkpool: -eye twitches-
Mirror: Dude, calm down.
Dorkpool: That hyphenated word. It’s here.
Mirror: Dude, calm down. We’ve talked about this.
Dorkpool: I WILL DESTROY THIS WORD!
X: GET BACK TO THE RIFF!
Dorkpool: Ugh, fine. I’ll get to you later, Edgy Sonic.
I continued when suddenly I couldn't move. It must have been a cutscene. Running was heard from the distance. "Run you idiot!" I said out loud. The running sounded closer and I could finally control Rouge again. I ran but once again, that sadistic hedgehog slowly caught up. Once he caught me, he ripped Rouge's body apart and blood flew everywhere.
Mirror: (Craig): It was unrealistic blood though.
I was greeted with Sonic saying "You were too slow! Wanna try again?".
I, at this point, decided to take a break. After a quick Soda and some ritz
Sylvia: If you’re freaked/And you don’t know what to seek/Why don’t you go where snack food sits/Eating up some Ritz.
crackers I was ready to go, ready to see what this sick hack had in store. I picked my last option, Metal Sonic, and I was ready to go. I entered a level that didn't even have a title.
Dorkpool: Was the level saved as “Untitled 1?”
Metal Sonic started in Robotnik's (Once again, I refuse to call him Eggman)
Mirror: Seriously, why the hatred for Eggman? And does it even matter?
Sylvia: Nothing in this story matters.
Mirror: Good point, good point.
lab. I made Metal Sonic travel through the destroyed laboratory. There, dead Badniks and other destroyed Robots remain. I was sick and tired of this game,
but curiosity got the better of me and I continued. Laughing was heard and Metal Sonic started running as fast as he could. I couldn't even control him, maybe Robotnik's AI he installed was rather brilliant.
Dorkpool: Or maybe it’s a cutscene and you’re a dumbass.
Unfortunately, Metal Sonic made it back to the beginning, only to be met by Sonic. I watched in horror as Metal Sonic was daughter and viciously killed.
Mirror: Oh no, he was daughter! Wait, what? Is this the new “Who Was Phone?”
Sonic appeared, with his terrible face and terrible eyes. "That was...fun! I look forward to playing with you again, Craig!" How did that ass know my name?!
Sylvia: Because plot.
The disk popped out. I was so angry! I just lost a awesome game console. I screamed in anger and cursed Sonic.exe.
Dorkpool: I feel that.
That monster traumatized me AND ruined my console! I was about to start crying on my bed when I saw a Sonic plush with those eyes. Those f*cking eyes.
Mirror: There was no f*cking need for that asterisk.
Dorkpool: This story sucks.
Mirror: There are multiple issues with the spelling and grammar, which can lead to some laughable moments (“Metal Sonic was daughter”). Also, this story has many of the same issues as most “Sonic.exe” stories: idiotic main character, clichés, and bad writing. There isn’t much new to it, outside of some issues with canon. The original Sonic.exe game didn’t have the characters in this version of the game as it did in the original story, nor its sequel. For a story calling itself “Sonic.exe II” it sure does contradict established “Sonic.exe” canon. And I’m presently ranting about the canon of “Sonic.exe.” My life is officially sad.
Sylvia: Surprisingly, there were some good things. The main character, while scared of the game, wasn’t scared to the point of irritating idiocy. Just normal idiocy. Also, he did stop playing the game for a bit to cool off a bit, which makes some sense. And it’s not like there was a forced “the game is haunting my dreams” cliché. Additionally, the writing style does fit the story and character, unlike something like “Sonic.exe: Round 2,” in which a detective sounds like a twelve year old who can’t spell. Honestly, this is the best “Sonic.exe” story I’ve read, which isn’t saying much since they all suck. However, this one sucks a little think.
Dorkpool: But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d see some f*cking Sonic plush? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
“ARE YOU ALL DONE?” X asked.
“Yeah, seems like it.” Dorkpool said. “You can send them away.”
“WHY WOULD I DO THAT?”
“Because they could be potential allies that could help me defeat you.”
“YOU THINK I’D FIGHT YOU? THAT I’D GIVE YOU THE CHANCE TO EVEN TRY DEFEATING ME? WHAT KIND OF FOOL DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?”
Dorkpool started to speak, but Mirror said, “Dude, no.”
“I WANT THEM TO WATCH AS I UTTERLY DESTROY YOU! I WANT THEM TO – ”
X looked down at his chest, and noticed there was a hole in it. “WHAT JUST HAPPENED?”
Dorkpool, holding a phaser, said, “I got bored. Out of curiosity, does that hurt?”
“IT DOES NOT HURT! NOTHING HURTS ME! I AM GOD!”
“Then call me Nietzsche, because I say that God is dead!” Dorkpool yelled, firing his phaser at X’s head. It hit the demonic hedgehod straight on, putting a hole in his forehead.
“Really? That was your best quip?” Mirror asked.
“I thought it was pretty good.” Dorkpool said.
“I mean, it was alright, but nothing great.”
“What would you have said?”
“Um, guys?” Sylvia said. Mirror and Dorkpool ignored her.
“I don’t know, something like ‘Then call me Black Sabbath, because I say that God is dead.’” Mirror said.
“That’s literally my line, but with Black Sabbath instead of Nietzsche.” Dorkpool responded.
“No one gets yours.”
“People know who Nietzsche is. All most people know about Black Sabbath is ‘Iron Man’ and the fact that Ozzy Osbourne was in it. I don’t think many people know the song, ‘God Is Dead.’”
“Good song though.”
“Oh, yeah, definitely.”
“You, Dorkpools, look!” Sylvia said.
The two turned to her, saying, “What?” in unison. She just pointed up.
X was still floating, his arms crossed.
“AHEM,” he said.
“Oh. Hi,” Dorkpool said.
Mirror leaned over to Dorkpool. “This is awkward,” he said.
“DO YOU USUALLY HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS?” X asked Sylvia.
“I AM SO SORRY.”
“No, it’s fine,” Sylvia said, walking over to Dorkpool. “Can I borrow this?” she asked, taking the lightsaber off his back. Before he could answer, Sylvia threw the lightsaber at X, hitting him in the neck and separating his head from his body, causing both to fall to the ground.
“Oh. Wow.” Dorkpool said.
“You could do that?” Mirror asked.
Sylvia shrugged. “I can do a bunch of shit. But that doesn’t matter. Let’s just go to the giant decapitated corpse.”
The three ran to X’s body. Upon arrival, X’s head bellowed, “HOW DARE YOU?”
Dorkpool walked over and kicked X in the eye. “OW!” he yelled.
“So getting shot through the chest and head don’t hurt, but a kick in the eye does?”
“MY EYES ARE SO HYPER-REALISTIC. I CAN FEEL THEM.”
“Ummm…Dorkpool? Are you ok?” Mirror asked.
“What did you say?” Dorkpool asked X.
Dorkpool let out a scream, and started repeatedly kicking X in the eye.
“Fuck that word, fuck you, fuck your game, fuck your stories, fuck your fanbase, fuck your writer, fuck your design, fuck your clichés, fuck the word ‘rly,’ fuck your cult, fuck your canon, fuck literally everything about you, you godawful piece of dogshit and cancer!” Dorkpool yelled while kicking X’s eye.
“PLEASE STOP! IT HURTS SO MUCH! DEAR ME, THE AGONY!” X screamed. Dorkpool laughed maniacally at X’s suffering.
“So, should we stop him, or…?” Sylvia asked.
Mirror shook his head. “No, he needs this.”
“But it’s so…sad.”
“We make jokes about bad Creepypasta stories for a living, and not ten minutes ago I had a rant regarding the “Sonic.exe” canon. Everything about all of this is sad.”
Dorkpool, meanwhile, kept kicking X in the eye.
“PLEASE, PLEASE STOP! I’LL DO ANYTHING!”
“You bet your furry ass you are! You’re going to send my friends back to wherever they were, send me back to wherever I was, disband your stupid cult, murder JC the Hyena, and then, finally, fucking die! Do you understand me!”
“I WILL, I WILL! DEATH WILL BE A MERCY AFTER THIS!”
“Then fucking do it!”
Suddenly, Mirror and Sylvia were back on the JeffxOC.
“So, are we going to discuss what just happened?” Sylvia asked.
“I think we should just pretend it never happened.” Mirror answered.
Elsewhere, Dorkpool was back in a van, Edgelord standing over him.
“You’re back!” Edgelord said.
“My front too!” Dorkpool replied. “Ok, that was lame.”
“Did Our Glorious Lord X make you a believer?”
Dorkpool laughed. “No, I kicked him in the eye a lot, and he sent me back.”
Edgelord laughed in response. “You must be joking.”
“HE’S NOT.” The laptop said.
“X?” Edgelord asked.
“CULT’S OVER. EVERYTHING’S OVER.”
“But, My Lord – ” Edgelord started.
“IT’S OVER.” The laptop died.
Edgelord glared at Dorkpool. “I will end you,” he said.
“1v1 me IRL,” Dorkpool said.
Edgelord ran at Dorkpool, trying to stab him. Dorkpool just put a hand on Edgelord’s head, and stood there as Edgelord kept trying to run and slice him.
“Hey, Fedora Driver Guy,” Dorkpool said.
The driver poked his head in the back. “My name’s Bobby, actually.”
“Alright. Well, Bobby, X is dead. You mind driving me back where you got me?”
Bobby shrugged. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”
TO BE CONTINUED IN “MEANWHILE, OFF THE CHEESE DOODLE #6”