Sylvia: Despite how much everyone tries to forget, yes.
Mirror: Well, outside of the official sequel, there’s a spin-off/sequel of sorts called “Sally.exe.”
Mirror: Because we have strayed too far from the light. Anyway, let’s end on some porn and Riff this bitch!
I'm a big fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog series, like a lot of people.
Mirror: Like who? Name one person.
Sylvia: JC the Hyena?
Mirror: He doesn’t count.
I narrowed down to the classic Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon shows though, because I think the rest SEGA had spawned was rat-crap. Each to their own.
Sylvia: To each their own way of saying, “To each their own.”
I was browsing E-bay the other day. I wondered if there would be any items about my favourite character from the series, Sally Acorn. Indeed, what I found was a plushie
Mirror: This is going to hurt.
that was manufactured in SEGA WORLD of Sydney, which closed down due to the lack of visitors in 2006. Those Sally plushies were very rare, but I didn't have the money to buy her and my parents would despise me for it. I examined the plushie for a while as the article came with pictures. This Sally even had her jacket. On it, was written with a permanent marker "GOD".
I don't really know what it meant. Probably the initials of the child owning her before they sold her.
Mirror: Hey, Sylvia?
Mirror: Can you beat me to death with your saxophone?
Mirror: Because this story’s just started, and it’s already so stupid.
Sylvia: Aren’t you immortal?
Mirror: CURSE MY CRUEL IMMORTALITY!
I clicked the back button to return to the "Sonic Sally" search, knowing I wouldn't win the auction anyway, only to find another article had appeared. "SONIC SATAM CARTOON ALL EPISODES" with the price of $1.00 on instant buy. SatAM DVDs were never released where I came from. (Bummer..) So, as happy as I was, I wanted to re-watch the show and checked out the article. It had no describtion and no address where it came from. Germany, Canada, etc... It was missing and the shipping price was stated to be free. I looked up at the photo of the article. It was a blank CD.
Sylvia: Well, this all seems legit.
I've decided to buy it anyway. Not just for the nostalgia, but the writing was great and I loved Robotnik in this series.
Well... It all started when the mail arrived. It arrived the next morning... oddly, it was Sunday...
Mirror: Yes, because Sunday’s such an odd day.
I was happy to receive the episodes and immediately put the blank CD into my laptop, starting the DVD. Sadly, the DVD didn't start, but it offered me to show the files, so I opened the folder and saw a sally.exe application.
Sylvia: Roll credits!
I was confused at it being an EXE, but I started it anyway and indeed, it was playing a SatAM episode. The episode "Hooked on Sonic's" began. The episode started out all normal, along with the intro. No blood or anything... But the sad thing was that my computer blue-screened when the kissing scene of Sonic and Sally started.
Mirror: And this is sad because…?
(When Sally walks over to Sonic and kisses his cheek, he calls her kiss not-so-good and grants her a better one.. and it was so cute too...)
Sylvia: Why do I feel like you have terrabytes of Sonic porn on your computer?
The computer rebooted and I took out the CD as I thought it malfunctioned and threw it away. I could've asked the person to give me my money back, but he can keep the $1 dollars I gave him. I mean... It's just a dollar.
I continued to normally browse the internet, speak to friends on Skype and all.
Mirror: And there went all credibility this story had.
Mirror: This story expects me to believe this person has friends.
Nothing was wrong until, when I was watching a random YouTube video, my cursor (The white arrow, in case you don't know.)
Sylvia: I know most people who want to read this are stupid, but I don’t think they’re THAT stupid.
started to completely spazz out. I disconnected my mouse, but the cursor continued to thrash around the screen. I even deactivated my touchpad and it continued. Suddenly, it came to a stop and I carried on, ignoring what had happened.
Mirror: (Narrator): As you can see, I’m not very bright.
Soon, I found myself downloading a ROM for Sonic the Hedgehog. Fun game. As soon as it had downloaded I started up my emulator and begun the game in windowed mode, but, oddly, the complete screen went black. I shrugged it off and waited for the game to start.
The familiar "SEGA!" jingle didn't sound. Well, it did, but it was slowed down so much it sounded demonic and it gave me a cringe.
Sylvia: “It gave me a cringe” is this story in a nutshell.
The background remained black and Sonic didn't run past the logo. It faded to black and some text appeared. I first thought it was a red font, but it looked like it was scratched into my computer screen. "Up for round two?"
Mirror: -screams the scream of a soul in unspeakable pain-
I blinked and flinched as the main screen came on. The sky was a dark grey and the clouds looked dull and black, like right before a thunderstorm. The mountains were decayed and so was the logo. It even looked partially rusted. I was amazed at the pixely detail, but it also scared me.
"SEGA 1991" was now replaced with "SEGA 666" and the water was a bloody red.
Mirror: You know, Dorkpool created a drinking game for “Sonic.exe.”
Sylvia: How’s it work?
Mirror: Take a shot for everything in the story taken from another story. Seems like it’d work here.
Sylvia: Yeah, but we don’t have any alcohol.
Mirror: -tries snapping his own neck-
The familiar music wasn't played either. It was just a 16-bit mess of sounds, the demonic "SEGA!" occasionally mixed in. Instead of Sonic showing up, two characters appeared next to the logo - Tails and Knuckles. The sight of them terrified even more. Tails eyes were black and they were bleeding... his fur had become a dull grey/black as well and he had an expression of anguish on his face.
Sylvia: Well, to be honest, the expression is because he knows what story he’s in.
Knuckles looked far worse. His red fur had darkened to a reddish gray, his dreadlocks were dripping with blood and his eyes were black and bleeding like Tails' and he had a look of sadness on his face.
Just then I noticed a new character pop out of the middle of the logo. A pink, bubbly little hedgehog poked her head out. At first she was smiling, but them frowned at what was around her. She looked confused and nervous, like she didn't really know what was going on.
Mirror: (Amy): Did I just run into more porn?
"Amy Rose?" I thought. "What is this all about?" Curiosity drove me to press enter. A short, yet loud static noise sounded and the screen faded. I wish I hadn't done so. "Kyle didn't want to play with me." the writing appeared again. "What a shame... but I can play with you..." "... right?"
Sylvia: (Narrator): Nope! Fuck off!
The demonic "SEGA!" jingle sounded again as for a split second, an image flashed. It disappeared too fast so I couldn't make it out, but I could swear I saw a red and black Sonic, with black and red eyes. I almost felt them pierce me and that moment made me jump. It didn't begin in Green Hill Zone Act 1 though. I wish it did. Instead, the title card read "Not Perfect Act 1".
Mirror: “Not Perfect.” Words JC the Hyena would never use to describe himself. Fucking prick.
The game begun. The ground looked like the normal Green Hill Zone, but the background was pitch black. Amy stood normally where Sonic would be in the original game. Surprisingly, that was a well made sprite. It wasn't her classic self, but her current self. It looked official, even. On the opposing side of the screen where Amy was at, there was a large, silver ring. Infront of the ring stood the sprite of Sonic with a smile on his face. The animation of Amy standing there was that she stared forward with a lovey-dovey expressions as hearts came from her head here and there.
Sylvia: -starts playing “Careless Whisper” on her saxophone-
I guess I should head to Sonic, I thought as I moved Amy towards Sonic, but Sonic ran away and jumped into the ring. I made Amy leap right after him.
Mirror: (Narrator): …where she immediately died.
The level teleported to one of the stages where you can get a Chaos Emerald. The background was pink with lovehearts all over. It looked cute,
Sylvia: Stop with all this cutesy crap! You’re a horror story. Act like it!
Mirror: Well, at least it’s not cliché.
but I was distracted by only having 4 red/white colored spheres to jump on and I've tried to balance Amy ontop of it as she desperately tried to keep onto of the spheres, but my controls slipped and Amy fell. I fell onto a wall of "Goal" spheres.
Mirror: GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL! Oh, wait.
Just as I thought I'd teleport back a loud shriek sounded and the image of this... demonic Sonic continued to flash over the screen.
The screen completely spazzed out and I heard shrieks. Loud shrieks from what I could SWEAR it was Amy Rose herself. I kept hearing "No! No!" and loud cries of agony and pain which abruptly ended with more statics for a split moment before the screen cut to black.
Dorkpool: You know, that was my exact reaction after reading “Sonic.exe.”
Mirror: Wait, Dorkpool? Is that you?
Dorkpool: Yes it is.
Sylvia: Aren’t you off to find some superheroes or something? What are you doing here? How are you here?
Dorkpool: Well, I’ve narrowed it down to two things: either this story is so bad it summoned me here, or I’m just a shared stress and pain induced hallucination the two of you have while trying to read this story.
Mirror: Are you going to Riff this with us?
Dorkpool: Might as well, right?
Soon, the title screen appeared again. Knuckles and Tails were missing, but instead, Amy appeared. She was smiling her usual cute smile, but her body had holes. Not bleeding holes or bullet holes. Just.. holes that pierced her body all over.
Sylvia: Well someone went a bit too far with body piercings.
Her colors faded to a dull black and white. Even her eyes looked oddly disfigured. This scared me so much my entire body began to itch.
I scratched myself over and over as I watched a new character appear. I frowned upon seeing Cream, who had a sheer terrified expression and huddled against the logo for comfort... Poor Cream. I wanted to quit the game, but as if forced, I hit start again and the screen faded.
"KINDANDFAIR Act 1"
Dorkpool: FUCKINGBULLSHIT Act 1.
The stage was blank now and the background music was a drowned sounding, slower version of the Green Hill Zone. It nearly made me gag, but something forced me to play. The stage began and Cream's sprite was, like Amy's, very well done.
The environment was childish.
Mirror: Much like this story.
It looked like a cute cut-out. Infront of Cream was the TV-box that gave you higher speed. I made Cream crouch down and do a spindash and I dashed ahead, crashing the box. The level didn't change. The ground was a solid platform and it seemed that Cream was going faster, faster, faster and she crashed more boxes... and more... and more... ... I noticed the music got completely out of sync, which scared me.
Sylvia: I swear to Christ that a whoopee cushion would scare this person.
Suddenly Cream crashed into a wall of spikes. A loud SPLAT sounded, which didn't even sound like it would belong in a 16-bit game. Poor Cream was torn to shreds. Blood dripped from the spikes and the bloodied rabbit as the background slowly began to melt infront of my eyes. The image flashed again and soon the title screen appeared. As expected I was back on the title screen and Cream appeared with Amy. She did look scared, but her other eye was... How do I put it? ... droopy and dead and bled a black goo.
Dorkpool: Great, the writer thinks they’re writing “Squidward’s Suicide.” Wait a second, this is stolen from another story! Get some booze, we’re playing the “Sonic.exe” drinking game!
Mirror: I already tried. We don’t have any booze.
Dorkpool: Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
Her ears were over her face now instead of the back of her head. Her color sheme changed from brown and orange to a very, very dark purple and red. Her dress was a dull grey.
Time for the third character... and god, did I want to cry and weep when I saw Sally Acorn pup out of that god damn logo, putting on her innocent smile as she waved towards me, like she didn't know what torture would happen to her. The game was so terrifying and yet so fascinating, but I wanted to stop real bad,
Mirror: That’s some A+ writing right there.
but my hand wouldn't budge. I even started shaking. I wanted to reach for the power button, turn the darn thing off, but my hand just wouldn't move and before I knew it, I already hit start and the screen faded.
"______ Act 9", it said. A sad, dull melody played in the background as the silhouette of the ground - and a sprite silhouette that resembled Sally appeared infront of a background that consisted the whole group. Amy, Cream, Knuckles, Tails and Robotnik appeared, all in their tortured forms with a saddened expression. It also had Sonic, but in a nearly unrecognizable way. He had a wide grin on his face, with razorsharp teeth. He had black eyes with red dots for pupils, which were bleeding. It looked like he would reach out to the silhouette infront of him. I tried to move Sally, get her out of there, but each wall wouldn't budge and Sally would do a pushing animation.
Sylvia: Yeah, push it. Push it real good!
I stopped in the middle as, to my horror, the stage began to shrink and the black started to close in on Sally. I tried moving her again, but the walls wouldn't budge or move. I walked Sally back to the middle as the walls closed in on her. She crouched down before she completely disappeared in the black.
The red writing appeared on the screen again, only it was dripping, like blood and it was crooked. "Sonic, my love..."
Dorkpool: Actual quote from JC the Hyena.
Suddenly, a familiar scene faded in. I recognized it immediately. Sonic SatAM was playing from where the CD cut off. It had a reddish shade and Sonic had these.. black, bleeding, demonic eyes. Sally looked even worse, at least to me. Her eyes were missing. It was like they were taken out and Sally's skull was sewed closed again. Blood was running from her wound. It didn't look photoshop.
Mirror: How would you know?
It was actually animated. Sonic pulled Sally over like in the show, only tentacle like... things bursted out of their mouths and locked, making disgusting slurping noises.
Sylvia: Wait, did this just become porn?
I could even see them bulge in Sally's throat. Worst thing was that they even looked like they were enjoying it and, for a moment, I think I was too.
Dorkpool: Welp, I think I should go now.
Mirror: But the story’s not done yet.
Dorkpool: It’s done for me. Bye. –fades away-
Sylvia: This is a really weird Riff.
I could see the corrupted Tails and Knuckles in the background too. Sonic pulled away. "So?" "Not bad." Sally simply replied. I gagged and looked away from the screen. Out of the corner I noticed something on my bed... on my bed... was the Sally doll I saw on E-bay... with its eyes missing...
Mirror: (Narrator): And judging me for watching that smut.
Mirror: This story sucks ass.
Sylvia: It’s a spin-off of “Sonic.exe,” so what do you expect? Crap, right? Because that’s exactly what you get from this story. In a way, it’s just a retread of the first “Sonic.exe” story. We’ve still got the dumbass protagonist, the endless clichés, and bad writing. Seriously, the writing has spelling errors, grammar errors, and really stupid wording. Also, let’s mention some of clichés here: the word “GOD,” blood, bleeding eyes, weird glitches, etc. Of all the stories to do a sequel/spin-off to, why did you choose “Sonic.exe?” Also, as I mentioned, the main character is a dumbass. He or she doesn’t question why a video is playing in an .exe file, or why the mouse cursor was all fucked, or the game at all. Fucking idiot. And why, author, did you add what is basically porn at the end? That’s just…wrong. And the worst part is that the main character/possibly author enjoyed it. Why? Why must you make your rather idiotic main character be into this stuff? What does it add outside of mental scarring? Answer: nothing.
Mirror: Admittedly, this story is a bit better than “Sonic.exe,” but not by much. The only things in this story’s favor are somewhat better writing than the original story (which really isn’t saying much), less clichés, and slightly smarter main character. This one didn’t get the same warning that Tom did. That all being said, the story is still terrible. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you miss Dorkpool? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.