Sylvia: Well, whose boat are we on?
Mirror: Exactly. But did you know…he had a son?!
Jeff: -from afar- That’s bullshit!
Mirror: Not according to this story, “Sad Jack the Murder.”
Sylvia: Don’t you mean, “Sad Jack the Murderer?”
Mirror: I’m sure that’s what the author meant.
Sylvia: So it’s gonna be that kind of story.
Mirror: Yep. Anyway, let’s act emo as all hell, and Riff this bitch!
Hi i'm jack or at least I was.
Mirror: (Jack): I was Jack, until I used new and improved Jack-Off! Gets the Jack right off of you!
I will get into that. One night while my mother was walking home from a long night at work a man in a white hoodie raped her. Nine months later I was born. I had black hair and blue eyes.
Sylvia: That was a necessary detail, thank you.
On my 4th birthday I got a long black & white striped scarf that my mother made herself. After I went to bed, I heard a scream. When I went to investigate I saw my entire family sitting on the couch with smiles carved into their faces. I saw the man who came up to me and painted a smile onto my face with their blood.
Mirror: This is some fucked up face painting.
I saw his face, his skin was white, his hair was singed black , he had no eyelids and a gruesome smile was carved into his face. I screamed and ran to the neighbors where I called 911 . When the police arrived they saw me crying my eyes out and saw the smile painted on my face. They asked who did this to your family. " It was a man in a white hoodie , with singed black hair, leathery white skin , no eye lids and a gruesome smile cut into his face.
They asked if they could take a DNA test and through my tears I agreed. They took the sample at Sacred Heart Hospital. A few months later the results showed I am the son of Jeffery Woods, who was also the murderer.
Sylvia: Jeff could literally say to Jack, “I fucked your mom.”
They told me a little bit about his past . He killed his whole family at the age of 13 , except for his brother Liu who later became homicidal Liu another serial killer after the death of his fiance' Susan. Jeff also kidnapped a girl named Jane Arkansas and set her on fire. She ran away from the hospital after recieving a package, she is believed to be Jane the Killer.
Mirror: I would ask this story to stop referencing better stories, except, well, it’s not.
They put me into foster care after that. Most of the families sadly where abusive. Being the son of a seriel killer I really didn't make many friends. I just stayed inside drawing pictures of the grusomee face I had seen.
Sylvia: Hi, Clockwork.
In my teen years I got interested in a song I listened to over and over. Behind Blue Eyes by The Who played all day long in my room, on my MP3 player or on my computer. It was the constant sound in my ear.
Mirror: Hi, edgy emo kid.
I did make one friend but I guess like me , he became a monster. Like me he only kills a certain type of person, he goes by the name DNA Killer and wears only a mask . He is not a proxy ,
Sylvia: (Jack): Just sort of an unimportant character.
that's all you need to know for now. I had to move leaving my only friend behind. On my 16th birthday , the 12th anniversary of my families death I woke in a cold sweat. I felt a cold liquid being poured on me and tried to move but I was duct taped to my bed.
Mirror: Umm…did we just wander into some fetish thing?
It was cold bleach on my skin and Jeff was standing over me laughing in a way only a mad man can laugh and holding a box of matches in his hands. As he lit a match and said "Go to sleep" I screamed . My family rushed in and put the fire out then rushed me to the hospital . A month or two later, I was released from the intensive care unit . My skin was white, my hair was patchy and thin. My once saphiree blue eyes, the iris was black and the pupil solid blue, and I do mean solid. I could still see but the colors where only black, white, grey and blue.
Sylvia: There’s no way you could sound more like some edgy emo kid even if you tried.
A few more months passed until my hair grew back . During the therepy I was getting better physically , but mentally I became even more anti social . My only friend was gone, and the one song I listened to all the time still played as an echo in my mind. I really hadn't smiled since I was 4 and I doubt I will ever smiel again.
Mirror: No, but that typo made me smiel – I mean, smile.
One December night , I finally cracked, I wanted revenge against Jeffery , I went into the bathroom with a knife, needle and thread and eye liner and a hair clipper. I plugged in the clipper and shaved off most of my hair leaving the bangs which covered my face. As I took the knife I slowly cut a frown into my face, the pain making me cry some. As the eyeliner dripped I stiched a criss cross formation onto the frown , stiching it so you didn't see the open wound. This hurt and made me cry more and the eye liner ran further down my face.
Sylvia: Ok, I was wrong. You somehow became even more edgy and emo. I’m impressed.
As I put on my blue and black stiped shirt, I pulled on my black hoodie pulling the hoodie over my head. I ran to the closet putting on something I hadn't touched in years. I wrapped the scarf, the only thing left from my family around my neck . How fitting all I was is black, white and blue since these are the only colors I saw. I wrote in blood on the mirror good bye. I grabbed 2 serrated knives with holes in them and my back back and a red heart pin , and frowny face. I also grabbed a can of black spray paint , and put one of the knives in the pocket of the bag, rushing into the knight. Standing next to the grave I made this vowel to My mother, and my father ,
Mirror: (Jack): That vowel is a.
I will avenge you . Brother , Sister, I will avenge you as well . Go to sleep Jeffery, I will kill only one, and you will be the one. I know what you all are thinking forgive and forget. But because of Jeffery , I am now a monster. Jane I hope you read this but the only way to kill Jeffery is by his own blood and that is me.
Sylvia: Or Liu, who’s a serial killer in this universe too.
Mirror: This story sucks.
Sylvia: The spelling and grammar are terrible, leading to multiple typos, some of which are funny. The plot is stupid, somewhat weird, emo as hell, and pretty cliché. The whole thing with Jeff raping Jack’s mom is kind of odd. Let’s just get our timetables straight, ok? Jeff, as portrayed in his original story, is about 13 or so. However, this is also in the same universe as “Homicidal Liu.” Liu, in that story, is all “homicidal” by the time he’s 16-17 years old, which is about a year or two after the original “Jeff the Killer” story. So, let’s assume that when Jeff rapes Jack’s mom, it’s around the end of “Homicidal Liu.” So, Jeff should be 14 or 15 by then. So, in other words, a kid whose balls have barely dropped raped and impregnated some woman whose age is undefined. For all we know, this Jeff could be responsible for a teen pregnancy. Also, since when in Jeff a rapist? And why? Plus, the effects of Jack’s mom being raped are never really shown. It’s just said that she’s raped, and had a kid, and all was happy fun time. That’s it, just shrug off rape. Anyway, they’re killed off, so whatever. Also, let’s keep in mind that cops told a four year old his father was a well known serial killer, and the four year old somehow got all that. Also, Jack’s heritage was publicized. Wouldn’t it make more sense to put him into protective custody or something, or give him a new identity? Just saying. Either way, there’s still a completely pointless character who ends up being Jack’s friend, the “abused kid” cliché, and then Jack becomes a whiny emo. By the way, most acts that considered awful in this story – rape, abuse, etc. – are only briefly mentioned, but never expanded upon. They’re just sort of mentioned to add more angst and edginess to Jack’s backstory. Anyway, blah blah blah, Jeff comes back when Jack’s 16. Ok, time for some more fun with math! So, bringing back our previous calculations, we came to the conclusion that Jeff was 14-15 when Jack was conceived. Let’s add 9 months to that, and, let’s also be nice and say that in those 9 months Jeff’s birthday came and went. So, when Jack is born, Jeff is 15-16. Now, by the time Jack is 16, this must mean that Jeff is 31-32. This leaves me with one question: how the hell has Jeff not been caught yet? It’s been almost 20 years! I understand a cold case or something with one murder being unsolved, but, come on, it’s Jeff the Killer! Chances are, he’s dropped quite a few bodies in that time. How have the police not caught him? He’s not exactly inconspicuous. Wouldn’t someone have noticed Jeff, and called the cops or something? How is this dude not in jail? Well, whatever. Jeff, after 12 years, finds and revisits his kid just to fuck him up. After that, Jack becomes the most emo Jeff knockoff ever. Speaking of Jack, he, like most everyone else in this story, has no real character. All I can say is that he’s somewhat emo. That’s all. I have no sympathy for him, no investment in his life, nothing. And considering we’re supposed to root for this schmuck, that’s bad. Also, the final line of the story is invalidated by the mention of Liu’s survival. If he’s around, then that means Jack isn’t the “only way to kill Jeff,” since Liu is “Jeff’s blood.”
Mirror: There are some good things. The story’s short, so it isn’t much of a drag. And, honestly, the idea of Jeff having a kid who wants to kill him could, in the right hands, works pretty well. Also, this story is kind of funny in its ineptitude. However, it still sucks. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we wouldn’t smiel anymore? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.