Mirror: And I’m Mirror Dorkpool.
Dorkpool: We Riff it so you don’t have to. And because we’re sort of masochistic and enjoy this sort of stuff.
Mirror: Speaking of things we enjoy, let’s talk about the Nostalgia Critic.
Dorkpool: For those of you who don’t know, the Nostalgia Critic is an Internet critic who reviews and makes jokes about bad movies. He has a rather large fanbase, and is pretty funny. And, for those of you who followed the Riffs when they were on the Creepypasta Wiki waaaaay back when I first started, you might remember that I have, in fact, Riffed a story involving the Nostalgia Critic.
Mirror: Does it have anything to do with this one?
Dorkpool: Nope. Just a fun little tidbit.
Mirror: Ok then.
Dorkpool: Yep. Anyway, let’s remember it so you don’t have to and Riff this bitch!
The other day, I was on That Guy with the Glasses, home of the Nostalgia Critic and other people on Channel Awesome, if many of you aren't familiar, and I gotta say, I am a Nostalgia Critic fan, as well as a Channel Awesome fan!
Dorkpool: I guess you could say that guy thinks Channel Awesome is…
Mirror: Oh, no, please don’t.
Dorkpool: -puts on sunglasses- …pretty awesome. YEEEAAAAAAH!
Every time I go on that site, I would watch a certain Nostalgia Critic review. In fact, I watched his Top 11 list of dumbest Lord of the Rings moments, which I love, even though it wasn't perfect. Still, it was memorable.
Mirror: (Narrator): Like his Let’s Play of “Bart’s Nightmare.”
But I found something morbid about Doug Walker, or if you're curious, the Nostalgia Critic.
I was ready to type a comment on the site under my name, which I won't give away my name since it's a personal username,
Dorkpool: (Narrator): …with origins too depraved to discuss.
but anyway, I found a comment that's an unknown user, and it provided the YouTube account link, that being NostaIgiaCritic. It's basically the old account of Doug's YouTube account, but instead of an L, it has an I. I clicked on it, out of curiosity, and it had a channel that looks like ThatGuyWiththeGlasses, which is promising enough. And there was a review that said, Nostalgia Critic - Barney's Great Adventure. Do you remember that movie? Neither does anyone else. But that's a different story for a different day.
Mirror: (Narrator): Like maybe Sunday.
I saw the view count and it had zero views. I laughed as I thought to myself, "Did Doug Walker lost his popularity with this video?" so I clicked on the video. I wish I didn't though.
Dorkpool: You know, just once, I’d like to hear someone in a lost episode story say, “I’m actually kind of glad I found this.” Just to shake things up.
We begin the video with no usual theme song (which is for the 2013 and present episodes). Not even his opening catchphrase, "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to." It was actually the Nostalgia Critic crying.
Mirror: (Narrator): He was crying hyper realistic tears.
Dorkpool: -twitches in repressed anger-
He was not acting sad, he was not doing a campy sad face, he was extremely sad. As he was sad, tears were falling from his eyes. It wasn't an effect, or an act, he was really crying. And it goes on for a fraction of a minute.
Dorkpool: That fraction, in case anyone is curious, is 1/454 of a minute.
He then said, "You stupid motherfuckers. You want a review of a shitty film, you got a review of a shitty film!" and he was saying it to us, the fans, looking at the camera. I was really shocked to hear the Nostalgia Critic say something like that, let alone as Doug himself.
So he pulled a copy of Barney's Great Adventure and we see him put it on the DVD player, which it takes 2 minutes. Then, the movie plays, and the screen went black and then we cut to a blinking picture of a demonic puppet with no mouth, but instead, blood, and it was actually a Nostalgia Critic puppet, which looked so scary.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): It was too spooky for me.
Then, it goes back to the review.
"Wow," I, myself, said, "this is fucked up. How can the Nostalgia Critic show something like this to us, the audience?" The review was actually, what I assume, him crying. I could've sworn it something like how Linkara reviews the Power Rangers,
Mirror: Wait, Linkara loves Power Rangers. So is he saying that the Nostalgia Critic is reviewing this in a “I know it sucks, but I love it anyway” kind of fashion?
or how Angry Joe watched the Last Airbender, or even how the Cinema Snob was mad at Turkish E.T., but no, it was really the Nostalgia Critic crying, and again, he is not acting. He is really crying to tears. It's no wonder he despised this movie in his own honesty, even more than Garbage Pail Kids.
Then the movie was turned off with his remote, and then, a screen flashed, which I actually took a look, and screencap it, it was a picture of the Nostalgia Critic cutting his arm open.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): And I didn’t include it because…because.
Then, the camera points to the Nostalgia Critic; and the camera follows him as he kills his friends and/or co-workers of the show. He was crying in agony and not acting, once again, he was really in hysterics, like you wanted him to go to the insane asylum.
Mirror: So he was acting like Glenn Beck?
He kills them by getting a real gun, and not the prop gun he usually uses, and shoots them in their heads. I was really terrified to see Doug Walker, or when he plays the Nostalgia Critic do something like shooting people in the head. Seriously, I was shocked up to the point where I almost stopped the video.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): I bet you’re wondering why I kept going. It’s simple really. It’s the same reason I didn’t include the screencap.
He then grabbed a baseball bat, and it was a real baseball bat. He first went to the Nostalgia Chick, and killed her with the baseball bat, then Linkara,
Mirror: Doesn’t Linkara have a spaceship and magic gun?
Dorkpool: I’m pretty sure that’s all fake.
Mirror: That’s not what you said during that whole debacle with Zorax.
then Angry Joe, then Paw, then Film Brain, then the Cinema Snob, then Blockbuster Buster, then Marzgurl, and every other people on Channel Awesome. And this scene wasn't edited; it was like an episode of COPS.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): But with less white trash.
And it was a mess of blood, guts, and gore. Then the camera follows him back to his house, and he used the same baseball bat to destroy every movie. He didn't care which, he even destroyed the good movies, even on DVD, like Brazil, or The Wizard of Oz, or The Dark Knight, or The Secret of NIMH, or even Citizen Kane. Every single one of them. He even destroyed the nostalgic shows he reviewed. It didn’t matter to him which one, even the good ones like DuckTales, Tom and Jerry, Ren & Stimpy, The Simpsons, Animaniacs, Looney Tunes, Transformers, every single one of the shows.
Mirror: (Narrator): And yet for some odd reason he kept Doug.
He yelled, "I never want to see your fucking movies and shows ever again you stupid bastards! You motherfuckers! You little pieces of shits! Hope you fucking burn in hell!" And all of this was because of how much he hated Barney’s Great Adventure and why people wanted him to review it.
Dorkpool: You know, I’d probably have a similar reaction if people kept asking us to review another MLP story.
Then, the Nostalgia Critic pulls a real gun that he used in this review, and he pointed the gun straight to his mouth. He then whispered, "Fuck the world." and he shot himself, and as the camera shows him in the ground, there was blood all over. It wasn't special effects that Doug uses, it was real blood, as the video ended. I was really scared that he would do something like this after all the success he had. I had to leave the YouTube channel, I smacked my keyboard, I flew my mouse out, and I turned the monitor off my computer, and that's when I took a long walk outside.
Mirror: (Narrator): Well, ok, a short one actually. The outside world is scary.
After my walk, I checked out the channel again, and it was suspended. Not because of copyright infringement,
Dorkpool: Like why every other video of his was taken down.
no, but really something else. I calmed myself down to see a real Nostalgia Critic episode, and yes, it was, yet again, the Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments, and I felt better.
I cannot believe how much I was frightened and traumatized by his review of Barney's Great Adventure. Now I know why he doesn't want to review it, and he never will.
Mirror: (Narrator): But I’m still not quite sure how that all happened, how’s he alive, how the other Channel Awesome are alive, why he still has all his DVDs…
Dorkpool: This story sucks.
Mirror: It’s your typical lost episode story. You know, blood, out of character stuff, ultra violence, that sort of thing. Also, it doesn’t make much sense when you think about it. Was this supposed to be a real thing? If so, then how come everyone the Nostalgia Critic killed is still very much alive? If it’s supposed to be an unexplained thing, then fine, but I for one would like an explanation.
Dorkpool: There are good things. The story’s pretty short, which is nice, and the spelling and grammar are pretty good. However, the story is still bad. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish another Riffer or reviewer would come here and try killing us? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.