They were now discussing their plan of attack to get Jeff the Killer.
"Yeah. You beam down, try and talk Jeff into coming with you. If he doesn’t, you fight him, and we beam you both back here. If you ask for help, we beam you up," Mirror Dorkpool answered.
"Exactly. Though I shouldn’t really ask for help, since I can probably take ol’ Jeffy. I mean, I’m just that awesome, amirite?" Dorkpool said.
The narcissism and cockiness grated a bit on Mirror Dorkpool, though it was actually Indometus who spoke up.
"You know, you shouldn’t be so cocky all the time. Life has a way of biting you in the ass," she said.
"Please, I totally can. I’m the goddamn Dorkpool. I beat Zorax, have a moderately successful blog, and have a starship. I think a little cockiness can be excused." He responded.
"She’s right," Mirror Dorkpool said. "You’ve been being way too cocky and self-centered recently, and it’s been getting annoying."
"Has it now?" Dorkpool asked.
"Yes, it has. That victory went straight to your head, and inflated to such an extent that Shatner would look at you and say, ‘He’s…very self-…centered.’"
"Hey, I stopped a universal threat. What have you done, vest-boy?"
"I conquered a universe, and created a rather content and peaceful society!"
"Yippee skippy. How’s that society doing without its ruler?"
"Pretty well, actually."
"How would it do if its ruler were shot out the torpedo tube?"
"Both of you, stop!" Indometus yelled.
"Why?" Dorkpool asked.
"Because we should be focusing on capturing Jeff, not fighting each other," she answered.
"Really? Because it seems like you two are pretty focused on fighting me," Dorkpool said.
"Dude, she’s trying to calm you down," Mirror Dorkpool said.
"And I don’t need to be calmed down. If I were a giant green rage monster, then maybe, but not now,"
"Oh? Then what are you now?"
"I AM A MAN!"
Everyone stood silent for a minute.
"Sorry, I had to," Dorkpool said.
"Listen, how about we just do a Riff." Mirror Dorkpool said.
Dorkpool thought for a second. "Fine."
Dorkpool: You know, we haven’t really Riffed any type of self-insertion stories here.
Mirror: Well, there shouldn’t be many that exist. I mean, putting yourself in a story? That’s pathetic. Am I right?
Dorkpool: Erm…anyway, the story we’re Riffing is called "Madnesscrazy vs. Jeff", written by a guy called Madnesscrazy. And yes, he’s fighting the Jeff you’re thinking of.
Mirror: Wow, having yourself fight Jeff in a story? That’s just sad. I mean, who does that?
Dorkpool: -whistles inconspicuously-
Dorkpool: Oh, nothing. Let’s just speak in Latin and Riff this bitch.
It was just an average day at school for Cooper; he would sit in class bored off his mind, pondering about certain things he read off the Internet.
Dorkpool: (Narrator): Like pornographic MLP fan fiction.
Among them, was a homicidal manic known as Jeff the Killer, known for his random violence and murder of many towns folk, spreading fear into the people and for his catchphrase: GO TO SLEEP.
Mirror: You forgot his godawful story.
Cooper got deeper and deeper in his thoughts until the bell rung for the end of school, snapping him back into reality, the boy headed out of class but stopped for a moment and felt as if he was being watched, he shrugged it off as some bird or rat that was flying/running around the place.
He walked down through his usual route to his home halfway there he tripped over the curb
Dorkpool: (Narrator): …and fell on his face.
and saw a figure with a white blood-stained hoodie and black pants "Here." The figure extended one of his hands to help, Cooper couldn’t see the figures face so he took his hand and responded "What do you want?" he was a bit disturbed how the stranger’s hand felt like leather.
"The only thing I want to make you beautiful or send you to sleep." The figure pulls out a kitchen knife from behind and attempts to slice his hand only for him to miss. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU ALMOST CUT MY HAND OFF YOU PSYCHOPA…."
Mirror: (Figure): Hey, I was trying to stop you from masturbating to MLP fan fiction.
He paused to notice that the hands of his attacker were white and after putting the pieces together something clicked in his mind and he instantly knew who the stranger was. "Jeff…" he mumbled.
"Heh, SO! You know who I am!" Jeff exclaimed "You must also know what I do, correct?"
Dorkpool: Ruin almost everything you appear in?
"Are you kidding?" Cooper replied. "There are a whole bunch of stories of your encounters on the internet, WHO DOESN’T KNOW YOU?!"
Mirror: Very lucky people.
"Perhaps, this dead woman..." Jeff dragged a body from behind the trash cans, and Cooper realised who this was, it was his mother, she had a stab wound on her chest and her face was carved to be identical to Jeff's, he threw the corpse in the direction of the Cooper. "MOTHER!" he yelled as he ran towards her side, with tears in his eyes "What did you do you her?!"
Dorkpool: (Jeff): I made her watch a marathon of M. Night Shamaylan movies!
Mirror: (Cooper): You monster!
"Easy" Jeff replied "I sent her to sleep, then made her beautiful, and soon, you will join her Cooper" He chuckled evilly and prepared to attack, but stopped in his tracks when he heard the boy mumble something.
"What was that?" Jeff asked in curiosity "Are they your last words?" He saw the boy trembling violently, undeterred by this, Jeff continued closing on his prey until Cooper suddenly yelled, "Ex Annulis obscuris, spiritus ignis, grando et fulgur, devolvat furorem in hoc puer!"
Mirror: Translation: Coocoocachu, Colonel Sanders! I am be the GODDAMN WALRUS! I need scissors! 83!
Jeff paused in confusion "What?"
The boy looked directly at Jeff; his eyes became completely black, He said something in a much deeper, more sinister tone than his normal voice, "Darkest of dark, spirits of fire, ice and lightning, UNLEASH THIS CHILDS FURY!"
Dorkpool: (Narrator): And this led to absolutely nothing happening.
The necklace he wore glowed with a bright light and Cooper erupted in a burst of black fire.
Jeff smiled to himself when it happened, "Ha! The Idiot intended to kill me but ended up killing himsel-!"
A sudden bolt of lightning blasted out of the fire and struck Jeff fair in the chest and into the trash cans. Jeff quickly recovered from this "What the- ?!" said in shock only to be stuck again by a similar bolt.
Mirror: THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING, VERY, VERY PAINFUL!
"Who are you!?" Jeff yelled after recovering from the second strike, the only response he got was an explosion of black fire which fogged up his view, "Where are you?!"
Jeff yelled in the black smoke, "RIGHT HERE!" he turned only to be met with a clawed hand punching him square in the face, forcing him to land on Coopers mothers corpse.
"WHAT ARE YOU!?" Jeff screamed in frustration.
Dorkpool: (Cooper): I AM A MAN! –punch-
"You don’t recognize me Jeff, you must really have a short memory. It’s me, Cooper!" Jeff was shocked, how could someone like him be losing to a kid with no strength in his bones?
Mirror: Reason number 1,356,754 why Jeff the Killer kind of sucks.
"Lose the tough guy act, Cooper, you’re not tough!" Jeff said in the smoke, "You probably have set traps here
Both: IT’S A TRAP!
and I am setting them off!" he looked for any trap triggers, anything to signify that what he believed Cooper was doing was a trick.
"No tricks here, Jeff, this is all really happening."
Dorkpool: It’s not a trap?
a cold gust of wind blew the smoke away revealing what had really happened to Cooper, his skin was darkened, claws developed on his hands, his teeth became all canines, his hair and clothes were roughed up and his eyes had red rings around them.
Mirror: Alright. And then…?
Mirror: That’s it?
Mirror: …I’m oddly not sad.
Dorkpool: This story isn’t all that good.
Mirror: It’s a self-insertion fanfic, to be honest. And that would honestly be fine if the main character were developed or likable. As it is, we know almost nothing about him. How did he get his powers? What’s he like? Also, Jeff is kind of pathetic in this story. He gets his ass kicked by someone he’s obviously been stalking. By the way, if he was stalking this guy, then how did he not know that he had superpowers? Was he not stalking him? If so, why was he in that classroom at the beginning? I’m pretty sure that Jeff the Killer doesn’t go to school. I’m also pretty sure that he doesn’t "send people to sleep" as this story so eloquently puts it. Wouldn’t he say that he puts people to sleep? That actually does work, since when one puts something "to sleep", that thing is usually dead. (Granted, it’s by euthanasia, but still.) Even ignoring all of that, there’s still more that sucks. For example, the ending. It’s just so…abrupt. It’s like the author didn’t finish writing it, but decided to publish it anyway. And no, there isn’t a sequel. This is it. Seriously, dude, at least finish your story.
Dorkpool: There are good things. The spelling and grammar isn’t that bad, and the fight scenes are pretty well written. While Jeff seems like a rather undeveloped villain, in all defense, that’s basically Jeff the Killer. And while the ending is non-existent, at least it isn’t a stupid ending that disappoints/pisses off everyone. And, of course, this story is pretty short. But despite all that, the story still isn’t all that good. But that’s what we think. What do you guys think? Was the story good? Was the Riff good? Do you wish we’d fight some guy who uses Latin phrases to become superpowered? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
Dorkpool stepped onto the transporter pad. The three person crew of the Cheese Doodle were all in the transporter room.
"So, we all clear on the plan?" Dorkpool asked.
Indometus and Mirror Dorkpool nodded. "You go down there, try and convince Jeff to come with you. If that fails, you fight him, and as soon as you beat him, you both get beamed back here."
"Great. Alright, beam me down!" Dorkpool said.
Indometus, who was operating the transporter controls, did that.
Dorkpool materialized in an alley. He couldn’t find any sign of Jeff the Killer. Odd, he thought. I should’ve been beamed down only a few feet away from-
He wasn’t able to finish that thought due to the knife being plunged into his back by Jeff.
"Ow!" Dorkpool said. "Seriously, dude, that hurts. Also, that’s pretty rude. I mean, I come here to tell you that Zorax is dead and inform you of your past, and you have to go and stab me. Are your manners as dead as your victims?"
Jeff took the knife out of Dorkpool, and the wound quickly healed.
"You’re not dead." Jeff said.
"Obviously. I’m pretty sure dead people don’t talk this much."
"Who are you?"
Dorkpool smiled under his mask. "What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I’m the Goddamn Dorkpool." He paraphrased.
Jeff obviously didn’t get the reference, since he seemed rather angry. Dorkpool quickly said, "Hey, it’s a bit of a joke, man. Calm down."
Jeff thought for a second. He could try killing this Dorkpool again, and hope for better results. Or rip off the guy’s mask and cut out his tongue so that he’d shut up. However, considering that this Dorkpool can’t die, and seems to regenerate, those two courses of action seem rather futile. Instead, Jeff elected to lower his knife, and ask, "What do you want?"
"A mint condition copy of Amazing Fantasy #15, Scarlett Johansson on my bed, to tell you that Zorax is dead, and to help cure your insanity."
"Cure…my insanity?" Jeff asked, a tad confused and disbelieving.
"Yep. You’re nucking futs, buddy, and maybe if you were sane you’d be more likable as a character."
Jeff looked at Dorkpool askance.
"Listen, I just want to help you. Now come with me, ok?" Dorkpool asked.
Come with me…
The words brought back a memory for Jeff.
He was a boy, being taken from his parents. They were lying on the ground, dead. A man was there, a man dressed in black.
"Come with me," he said.
"Where’s my brother?" Jeff had asked.
"He’s with us," the man had answered.
Young Jeff had nowhere else to go, and went with the man. And then…
Pain. Surgery. Torture. Killing.
He knew now. His old memories were fake. He wasn’t the way he is because of some weird fluke or accident. He was made to be this way. Made to be a killer. Made to kill those kids. Made to kill his brother.
They made him kill his brother, the only family he had left.
They told him that Liu hated him and wanted to hurt him, and that they were the only true family he had. They told him that by killing Liu, they knew that he truly loved them. And he did, damn it, HE DID. He did it for their benefit, and they were lying through their teeth.
All of this had been buried under implanted lies and hallucinations. But now they were back.
Dorkpool watched as Jeff just stood there, with a blank look on his face. Dorkpool waved his hand in front of Jeff.
"Hello?" he said. "Anybody home?"
Jeff grabbed his hand.
Whoever this Dorkpool was, he said what they had said. Whoever this Dorkpool was, he lied. Whoever this Dorkpool was, he was with them.
Whoever this Dorkpool was, he had to die.
"YOU’RE NOT TAKING ME BACK!" Jeff yelled, and stabbed Dorkpool in the face before he had a chance to block.
"Ah!" Dorkpool yelled, and pulled the knife out.
"Dude, calm down. I’m not your enemy."
"Lies! You lie! Like…like they did!" Jeff yelled.
"No, no I’m not. I’m not with them (who I’m assuming are Zorax’s people). I’m here to help."
Jeff’s response was to charge at Dorkpool. Dorkpool was prepared for this, and took out his blade of choice, a lightsaber. He blocked Jeff’s attack, which also had the effect of cutting of Jeff’s hand.
"Ummm…oops?" Dorkpool said.
Jeff’s hand grew back.
"Well, that’s got to be handy." Dorkpool said, and was stabbed in the chest. "I get it, I get it, you don’t like puns."
Dorkpool swung at Jeff, who teleported out of the way, and stabbed him in the back.
"Et tu, Jeffy? Then falls Dorkpool." Dorkpool fell to the floor, and cut off Jeff’s legs, causing him to fall to the floor. His legs quickly grew back, and he kicked the lightsaber out of Dorkpool’s hand.
They both got up.
"Listen, Jeff, I’m not here to hurt you. I just want to help you. You were part of the Project, and that kind of screwed you up. Believe me, I get it. That’s why I want to help you." Dorkpool said.
Jeff seemed to calm down a bit.
"There. Now let’s get back to my ship, where- AGH!" While Dorkpool was talking, Jeff had stabbed him in the gut.
"I’m not going with you. Not again." Jeff said.
"Fine. Be that way. I wanted to be nice, but noooo, you had to be violent. You’re coming with me, whether you want to or not." Dorkpool said, and punched Jeff in the face. Jeff took the knife out of Dorkpool’s gut, and tried to stab him. Dorkpool, however, was tired of having a knife plunged into him, and decided to do something about it. He grabbed Jeff’s wrist, and squeezed it until he dropped the knife.
"No knives, no guns, just fists and limbs," Dorkpool said, and punched Jeff.
He wanted to do this peacefully, he really did. But despite that, Dorkpool was honestly enjoying the fight. He’s had to read so many stories about Jeff that he sometimes daydreamed about beating the little twerp into the ground. And lo and behold, an opportunity to beat said twerp into the ground. An opportunity he was taking advantage of.
Dorkpool kicked Jeff in the stomach, knocking the killer to the ground. Dorkpool moved quickly, and started stomping on Jeff. Jeff grabbed Dorkpool’s leg, and brought him down to the ground. As soon as he fell, Jeff kicked Dorkpool in the face.
Jeff got on his knees, grabbed Dorkpool by the neck, and brought them both up. Then Jeff proceeded to punch Dorkpool in the face multiple times. Despite the fact that he was wearing a mask, Jeff knew he was hurting him.
Jeff stopped punching him for a second. "Had enough?" he asked.
Dorkpool laughed, pulled his mask up over his mouth, and spit blood in Jeff’s face. "Nope," he said, grinning, and kicked Jeff in the crotch.
Jeff loosened his hold, and Dorkpool took advantage of that, freeing himself from Jeff’s grasp. He ran into another alley to recuperate, and try and wrap his around what was going on.
He’d beaten Zorax, a being who defeated Death and conquered universes, but he’s getting his ass handed to him by Jeff the Crap-tastic Killer? What is even the hell?
"Get back here!" Jeff yelled. "I want to put you to sleep!" The killer giggled.
Dorkpool had enough of this. He decided to finish this quickly. "Dorkpool to Cheese Doodle, two to beam up, one to the brig!" he said.
Back on the Cheese Doodle, Mirror Dorkpool and Indometus were monitoring what was going on. They heard Dorkpool ask for help. However, they weren’t sure if they would answer.
"Should we help?" Mirror Dorkpool asked.
Indometus thought about it. One the one hand, Dorkpool was her boyfriend and she did care for him. On the other hand, he’s been kind of a prick lately, and he can’t die. He can stand to be brought down a peg.
"Eh, let’s wait a bit," Indometus answered.
There’d been no answer from the Cheese Doodle, either verbally or transporter-y. That was not a good thing, since Jeff was on Dorkpool’s tail.
"Found you!" Jeff yelled, and jumped from what seemed to be nowhere. He fell on Dorkpool, knocking him down, and started punching him in the face.
"You know, before I wanted you to leave me alone. Now, I want you to die!" Jeff yelled as he stopped punching for a second to take out his knife.
"You and the Creepypasta Land Wiki…" Dorkpool muttered.
"First, I want you to shut up," Jeff said, as he lifted up Dorkpool’s mask. "Tell me, does your tongue grow back?"
"Yeah, actually, it kind of does," Dorkpool said.
"Shame. I’ll still going to enjoy this." Jeff opened Dorkpool’s mouth, and put his knife under his tongue. Dorkpool grabbed Jeff’s hand.
"Oh no you don’t!" Dorkpool said, or tried saying. Since the knife was under his tongue, it sounded more like, "Uhn nuh yuh duhnt!" Jeff, however, got the message, and decided to respond. "No, I will." He proceeded to cut out Dorkpool’s tongue.
"Ah, better." Jeff said. He punched Dorkpool in the face.
On the Cheese Doodle, Mirror Dorkpool and Indometus were observing the events unfolding. They were a little taken back by Dorkpool having his tongue cut out, and figured that Dorkpool had learned his lesson.
"We should help him," Indometus said, regretting letting Dorkpool get hurt like that. She beamed the two onto the Cheese Doodle, with Dorkpool being sent to sickbay, and Jeff the Killer being sent to the brig.
She hoped Dorkpool was ok.